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The Beggars@1: Faces of Depression
Once Upon A Time
Once upon a time in our lives, we might have gone through a phase where we face unending difficulties. Sometimes it is our own doing, other times, we are the victim of circumstances. And they are also some who inherits depression.
Regardless of the cause or the seriousness of depression in a person's life; it is not what makes us as a person. It may be a short term phase or an affliction that comes and goes. Who we are is how we deal with it.
I shared the written capsules below in the hope that if there is anyone out there who feels the same at present time, they are not alone. There are many others who have gone through this and it is not the end of the world.
I would think of depression like a trial in life. We have to move through it. We have to conquer it. Not only do we claim victory over it; we must overcome it. Not unlike the common difficulties in life. Each time we solve a problem, we became wiser. Think of it as another kind of hardships. One of the mind instead of the many types of difficulties we encounter in real, physical life.
Everyone have a right to a peaceful mind and joyous emotions. It's like, fighting for the right of your home, family, property. So it is with your peace and happiness.
Don't give it up.
The Voice of my Heart
This is Holly. A few years back, she was struggling through life, living in deep depression. It comes and goes through her growing years. She has an aggressive and wild side and another side of her which is soft and sensitive. Her identity crises became more profound as she reached adulthood. Now, she still gets depressed but she tried to overcome it with a positive attitude and quiet determination. Everyone goes through hard times at one time or another in their lives. They are those who sail through difficulties wisely: smoothly. others struggle through it slowly but successfully. Some had to try a little harder just to gain a foothold. A few of us, never give up. There are those who gave up the fight. We are after all very complex individually. Different background, culture, beliefs, social exposure and parental guidance, among others.
Look around us, they are people who needs a helping hand to rise. They reach out in many different ways. Do not judge them harshly or turn away from them in disgust. Be kind. So let the strong, guide the weak. And the weak, learn from the strong. We are able to help someone in need anytime in this life. Not monetary or material needs. But the most essential needs of all humankind; Understanding. Empathy. Acceptance. Warmth. Tenderness.
1st April 2008
It’s hard to face some ugly things that I’ve done, especially when I don’t mean for it to appear the way it turned out to be. What was supposed to be a simple thing like asking permission turned out to be what it isn’t. All these while, my refusal to accept reality has been the culprit that makes me feel depressed. The inability to forgive myself for not being the person I wanted to be.
What could’ve been an avoidable case became real because I didn't leave things the way there are. If it bothers them, they’ll sue.’ It’s not like I couldn’t skip those mails anyways. It’s just that it was so sweet and honest to leave out. Why do I even bother? Couldn’t I have create my own to complement the story line.. Yeah.. That’s the thing about originality.. Thinking to myself now, what’s with the originality? It doesn’t have to be 98% of the exact thing is it? That’s why a writer’s supposed to be creative and it doesn’t have to be like writing someone’s biography or history. DAMN! Hate it when I’m like this.
You know what’s the Best thing about this? I DESERVE IT!!
PHeww..That was such a Great feeling. The thing is, no one did this to me. I did it myself. Serves me right. I’ll just feel bad about it until it passes. There’s not much I can do about it.
My life sucks.
I really am a loser.
30th March 2009
Why do I feel like there’s an impending doom coming? Haven’t I tried my very best to do everything within my capabilities to better our lives? How is it that each step is a constant struggle and I am unable to achieve some kind of recognition in my effort? Do I have to sacrifice all? And where will that take me? Will it end up the same?
Where do I seek the answers that I’m searching for? When I grow old , and I look back will I sigh wearily? Will it be too late when I find the answers? When will I be able to find true contentment? Haven’t I humbled myself enough? For how long shall I live like this? Is the discipline still longer? What if I couldn’t make it that far?
Diary, for the longest time..my wound has bled and just when it was starting to heal:, it bleeds again-new injury. I am sore all over. I am a living wound. If my heart is weeping, there would be no more tears.. If my soul is injured then the wound would’ve been infected and those wound never had the chance to heal properly.. Why live in this pain? I think my body has taken enough beatings to last me a long time. Misery and sorrow has taken it’s toll on me. I see the woman in the reflection but she is not who I used to be. Is this who I’ve become?
If I know what I know now; would I make a different decision? Would I be able to save myself from this heartache? Would my children belong to a better parent or even parents? Will they be filled with joy everyday?
What have I done that I should suffer so? For as long as I remember, I have loved and enjoy being kind and a help to others. To give, more than I can afford. The joy in caring and comforting a person in need. The aching that accompanies empathy for another. But why, am I alone today?
Where is my home? My heart has been homeless for so long; It needs shelter.. I cannot live like this. As long as my heart beats, I yearn for the tenderness of my children, their kisses, their little arms around me. Their small body cuddled beside me, sitting on my lap, standing on my thighs (killing it) jumping and laughing. Squealing from my teases and kisses. Hearing the sound of their voices, little giggles.. The smell of their hair as I inhale the scent of innocence. I did not deliver them into this world to suffer for me. And I am suffering the kind of torture a mother denied the normal union with her children would know best. When the love that I have is not enough and cannot reach them.. Will they learn of my faithful friend “tears” that lull me to sleep, other times there are other solutions..with a price to pay for.
Will they know how hard I try to block their image from my mind. In the conversations of other parents or when there are mentioned about children. Reminders are everywhere.. the tube, on the street, everywhere..I see them and the fact that I can’t be there with them. Anything can spark memories, yet I have improved too; I became good in hiding it and it took a strength beyond my norm capabilities to be able to just breath.. To be alive, still.
One of the reasons why I deny death is because I want to hold on to them for as long as I can. To tell them things, to share my time and create memories. And in the hope that one day.. That one day is what I’m waiting for; that we will be together .And I wish it will last until they need me no more.. So endure I must. My fear is that I should lose my sanity before it happens.. I pray not.
15th November 2008
So many stuff has been kept within and others meant to be forgotten, through the years. Some are spoken of, some are written about, while half of it goes unrecorded. Sometimes certain things refreshes the memory, and incidents happened long ago come to mind.
Today, I just found it in me to bare some of those memories that I want to pen down for now. Too MUCH to write at a time and best that some details are left out too. Many things has happened and never been told. Let it be.. No matter how much I write about NIxon; it can never describe the full extent of the experience and not too mention a lot more unpleasantness that I have somehow been able to forget. Even if I had remembered, I doubt that I could write it on paper. By writing it as a personal experience, means I had to recall how it felt; it's like rubbing on a newly healed scar. Yes, there were good times of which I am now not ashamed to admit; but that was an illusion based on a need to believe.
He is different. He is not normal. There is nothing that I could think of to describe him. The truth is, under normal circumstances, he would be the last person I chose to date. Far from it, is the idea of sleeping with him. 'Sweet talking' doesn't do it for me, I find them annoying; so the norm me would ignores the likes. But this is the Reality. He is the father of my precious children. It still makes me wonder. Even recently, a lot of stuff boggles the mind too.
It only comes to PROVE How Human Can Never PREDICT and CONTROL Things Fated in their Lives. For me, I will agree to the fact that I chose this path. I am responsible for the turn of things. Much of it wasn't what I had plan. But that is how it is.
SAD.. Need has nothing to do with want, love to, yearn for. I needed him then, even though it was just a 'make believe' on my part and putting on a mask for him. He could be more than a 'passing by' guy I needed but for his INCAPABILITY to ACT With a Normal Mental Function as the average guy! Normal CONSCIENCE. Of course I knew earlier on that there was something not right with him. I thought it was easily reversible. Curable within a period of time. By the time I suspected the true illness, Diary.. I was in denial myself. In despair and needy of affection. Lost.
Isn't "Charm" and "Lies" a part of a Psychopath's signature characteristic? Yeah.. That is true. Just my luck (If you believe in such) to saddle myself with one; even though it is for the sake of procreation alone. In my state of vulnerability, he is Excellent YET Knowingly -NOT The ONE.
This year, the incident that happened during last year's September and other assaults like it visited me a few times. I only had to grit my teeth and let it pass in my mind. Lately, it was less hurting. Just a cold sensation in my abdomen. It's better than the 'squeezy', sob (shortness of breath) feelings in the past. The shame remains, just not that great. It'll take awhile, but it will fade away someday and wouldn't be able to hurt me any longer. I need to heal. Whether or not I have anyone to hold me along my journey there; I Must Heal myself. There is a STRONG Need for me to SURVIVE.
(Sigh...) Seems like this is still not the day for me to put it down on paper. I can't yet. Maybe tomorrow, my Diary.
EMOTION IN A MAIL
20th December 2008
Been forever since we write to each other. Before I start with the contents of my mail, I'd like you to know. I miss you, dad. Hmmph.. a lot sometimes. You've been gone from my life long before I became independant. Maybe I never did outgrow the need of having you beside me.
What are you up to these days? Have you been in touch with Aunt Rose? How about Andrea and Matthew? Still in college? You know I'm nearly isolated from everyone. I keep in touch with Uncle Mark, Aunt Agnes and Aunt Easther and my brothers for awhile since I left the last time. Now it's only you and either one of my brothers occasionally.
You know dad, I thought about grandpa a lot. How is he and grandma? I'm hoping that grandma still has the same patient with his constant grumbling and the graceful way she handles every ugly things that happens in the family. I'd have handled it with a lot of aggression (Nahh.. I'm not like that anymore. ha..ha.. Stress was the culprit last time. Miss both of them loads. Please, will you hug them for me..
We spoke briefly on the phone the other day..I wish that we could speak longer but the connection was so bad, it couldn't be helped. I'm sorry that I disturb you a lot. Nowadays, I don't know what has become of me. I am serious when I said I have no intention of marrying this guy. We talked about this before, I don't have romantic feelings towards him. Keep this to yourself dad.. I don't feel like having him when I gather with certain friends and especially our relatives.It would be cruel to say that he embarrassed me. Let's just put it this way; he's not my trophy and I don't feel comfortable having him with me when I am with people that counts. I know that you don't really take me seriously when I told you he's not normal. That's the truth. Will get to that some other time.
My work is hard, long hours, Staffs giving me problems. The GM putting pressure on me and there's not much of a team work here. Their way of doing things are so 'old school'. Owh, who am I to judge, that's how they made their wealth. My directorate team's productivity is stagnant, but how they squeeze ideas and sales from you. Argh.. Enough of work.
My twins are due any day now. Stomach skin hurts when I shower, it has stretched beyond it's ability. Been a problem trying to wash my calves and feet as I couldn't bend down. My feet swelled last couple of months, it looked like a baby elephant's feet. This is totally something new. It's nothing like the time I had Genesis. They're very active. You would have enjoyed their ultra sound image. I've the scanned image kept for memory sake. Wonder how long will it be before it starts to fade.
Dad, I'll write to you again soon. You know I'm not done yet.
"And when it gets better one day, we remember where we came from. The pain that we've endured before. (SIGH..) I'm SuPPOSeD to break down and cry at this moment. I'm succeeding in pulling myself together and write instead. What the heck.. Got to go."