Why Didn't He Call?

Trying to figure out why a guy didn't call you can be frustrating. You met. You talked and hit it off. He asked for your phone number. Then you went home and giggled. Naturally, you imagined what he would be like. How would he kiss? Make love? And then, he never called.

So, what the heck happened? Why didn't he call? What a loser.

If he wasn't ever going to call you, why did he take your number in the first place? Why did he make you think he was going to call? Why did he say "I'll call you?" What kind of cruel game is this chugweed playing?

I don't want women out there spending too much time trying to figure men out. Thus, this article is for you. Instead of worrying, just read the list below. And you'll absolutely know why that guy didn't call you.

When you go to hug a guy at the end of the evening make sure your pockets are empty. You don't want anything interfering with that first good night hug. Let's say you have a big tube of suntan oil in a pants pocket. When he hugs you, he might think that's male genitalia. Ewww! Keep that stuff in your purse. Nothing that scares a guy more than hugging a woman and replaying the end of The Crying Game in his head. He's not going to call you if he thinks you're a dude. If there's even a 1% chance that you're a guy, he's just not calling.

You remember when you gave him your number? He walked you to your car, you kissed, then he buckled you in and said "drive carefully?" Then do you remember that bump when you backed up? You thought you had run over a squirrel? That was no squirrel. That was you running over that guy's foot. Of course, the blood-curdling scream should have given it away. A guy is not going to call you back after you run over his foot. Guy's don't like women who maim them.

Okay, I am no princess. I've had my share of guys refer to me as a blimp even though I've got a normal woman's body. And I'm not some anorexic model freak like Kate Moss after snorting a few lines. Even then, I'm no Kate. All I'm saying is that men have totally unrealistic expectations about women's bodies. Okay, sometimes I throw myself at guys who are totally out of my league. Frequently, I'll write my phone number on my forehead like some human billboard.

Still, that's no reason to expect the hottest guy in the room who takes my number will call back. I don't even know if he was writing down my number. He could have been signing his check or something. Anyway, sometimes when guys wake up the next morning they don't remember the numbers they've got in their wallet. Drunk guys don't remember a lot. Don't ever assume a drunk guy will call you back.

Smart women do not talk to hot guys they just met about ex-boyfriends and how they stalked those ex-boyfriends. Sometimes we even sit outside their houses with binoculars and dry ramen packets. We'll make calls in the middle of the night because those hypothetical ex-boyfriends didn't give us attention. Oh, they deserved it. Maybe we came onto their fathers in a weak moment or insulted their dog. They were all chugweeds. Anyway, talking about ex-boyfriends with a guy you just met isn't a good idea. Don't ever talk about ex-boyfriends until you've slept with a guy at least three times. And even then, when you talk about the ex, make sure you're mostly positive. If you're going to say something about an ex-boyfriend, say something like "he couldn't make love like you".

Did you give him your number before or after you vomited on his suit? Scientific studies show that a guy is 25% more likely to call you back when you've given him your number after you vomit on his suit versus before. That's because some men find that kind of boldness attractive. However, if you then go to kiss him, that number shrinks to 0. Generally-speaking, vomiting on a guy just about guarantees that he's not going to call you back.

I've talked to well over 3 guys and my studies confirm that there's nothing a guy hates worse than taking down a girl's phone number, waiting the requisite 24 hours to call her back, and then getting her gynecologist on the phone. Guys used to find this somewhat intriguing, but then Congress passed all those stupid HIPPA laws and that phone call became considerably less interesting.

Sometimes guys are on business trips. Then they play a little game called "see how many girls' phone numbers I can get before I leave town". It's actually worse when the guy takes those phone numbers, flies home, and then calls up all the girls and arranges meetings to which he'll never show up because he's three thousand miles away. It's even worse if he arranges those meetings at places with public web cams so that he can get on his computer and watch the web cam as the excited woman sits at the table waiting and waiting.He just laughs and laughs. Hey, be glad you didn't actually date this sadistic bastard.

In case you didn't know, amnesia is much more common than widely reported. Guys frequently take down lots of numbers and then develop situational amnesia. They wake up the next day and have no idea that they have your number. And if they put that number in their phone, they see it the next day and have no idea whose number it is, so they just erase it. Never discount the possibility of amnesia.

This is the answer I usually go with because when guys meet me, they know they're never going to do any better. Their eyes sparkle. Their hearts beat fast. They just don't know what to do. When they get home and think about it for a few hours, they can't figure out if calling me too soon will upset me or if waiting too long will upset me because they know in order to win a girl's heart, they have to call me at exactly the right time. Consequently, they become paralyzed with the fear of everlasting love. They know if they call me back and I agree to go out with them, they will know complete satisfaction and their search for happiness will be over. And it scares them. And they can't move.

If you already called a guy like a hundred times and are now wondering why he didn't return any of your calls, it's probably because he thinks you're a stalker. He's looking down at his phone right now and seeing your name pop up like a thousand times and he's wondering whether he should buy some form of self-defense or call the police or get a Doberman. Stop calling him. You're the girl. Never call a guy even once. He's either going to call you or he's not.

After reading the word "chugweed" you were probably desperate to know exactly what a "chugweed" is. Well, a chugweed is a guy who doesn't call you back when you give him your number. A chugweed is a lame guy who just plays games with women who give him their number. A chugweed is a loser. A loser! Do you want to go out with a loser? Be glad he didn't call you back.