A Collection of a Single Guy's Worst Pick-up Lines . . .Ever

I am guessing here being that I am far from a relationship expert. As as far as being a "Guru on Girls," you can forget that. Oh, true, I love beautiful women, but not as cheap sex object to be used for my personal pleasure then tossed aside like a pair of old work boots.

Women, for lack of the "perfect" adjective, are "special." As for "perfect" phrases, "there is nothing more exciting as admiring a beautiful woman from afar." Is my score two for two, one for two or zero for two? I confess. I would love to get "one" of these thoughts right. After all I am in a mysterious place that makes the "Haunted Forest," around the "Wicked Witch's" castle (with flying monkeys) look like Central Park.

Well, for some, I can suppose. I was for me. Oh, my mind and hormones were in sync with (a) girl's over-whelming, stunning great looks, giggle and toothy smile with all perfect teeth. But what gave me the most trouble was getting my mouth to work like a "well-oiled," hand-made clock made in Germany in the Black Forest. I have seen one of these priceless time pieces and friends, they run "slicker than a track star running in STP."

I would summon my courage, dry my hands on the back of my damp jeans (moist from perspiration) and make my way up to where this beauty was standing either on our high school campus or in our cafeteria. It was all going to work or explode in a matter of seconds. Dating note: for guys, there is no relief in a girl saying, "we'll see," or "I will think about it." We had prefer that she say yes to a Friday night date or just frown and curse at us. At least we do not have to guess about dating her anymore.

Or so I have been told. Some lines are great while some are so asinine that the girl will treat us with pity thinking we have mental issues. Or they treated "me" this way. So to move right along with my "Lecture of Love," I give you . . .

A Collection of a Single Guy's Worst Pick-up Lines . . .Ever

• "Hey, there. My grandpa allows me to pet his pigs that are headed to market."
• "Do I have something hanging from my left nostril?"
• "Before I ask you out, do you eat that much?"
• "If you go out with me, do you mind us 'going Dutch?"

• "I dated a girl two weeks ago who could pass for your sister." "Oh, she was that crazed serial killer on TV." (this one was a Two-Fer).
• "You don't look pregnant."
• "You know? You look a lot like Alex Rodriguez when he was younger."
• "Would you mind terribly just acting like you are into me?"
• "My pal, Tom, and our offensive line, told me that you were loose . . .whatever that means."
• "My mom told me that if "you" are the one for me, we can live in our basement."
• "No, I am not the janitor's son. Geez. I am his nephew, so what?"

• "Wanna go with me and see what we can find in the dumpster behind the cafeteria? Oh, yeah. I said the cafeteria. I have ate there for six weeks for free."
• "You don't sleep in a tanning bed do you?"
• "Care to arm wrestle? If I win, we go out tonight. If you win, I leave school and change my name."
• "Watch me catch this bite of candy in my mouth. Oh, I didn't buy it. I am very poor. I picked it up on the floor awhile ago."
• "I promise to not over-medicate for my allergies if you go out with me."
• Let me tell you a little about my family. We are not rich. My parents could not afford briefs for me, so my mom lets me wear her panties to school. But do not tell anyone."
• "May I remark that you have a pimple on your nose that looks like a tick."
• "Why did you frown and whisper e-ww-w when we shook hands?"
• "I know this is the first time we've met, but I do not want a big wedding." (both are in junior high).

• "You sure favor that girl who was in the paper who "had" to marry that logger."
• "Do you mind looking at me and not talking to your girlfriends while I am talking to you?"
• "I heard that you were "easy." (cough, cough), to talk to."

And "the" all-time Worst Pick-up Line Ever . . .

• "If you go out with me Friday night, I will do my German Shepherd impression for you."

Note: guys, if you want to share your "scary" time of talking to a girl to get a date with you, simply send me your worst pick-up lines at my "Send Kenneth an Email" area on my Profile and I promise that I will not use your name.