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A Domestic Abuse Story, Tommys Shame

Updated on July 6, 2011

A preface to Domestic Violence

In my lifetime support for victims of domestic abuse has become stronger and more widespread. As a kid growing up I was taught never to keep abuse a secret, love should never hurt.

Boys around me were told, NEVER hit a girl. Some men I know were taught, never hit a girl even if she hits you first. The twist on this lesson is a divided one and gender stereotypes blur the issue.

The story I have to tell may not be what you expected from a topic like this.

Tommys Shame

Tommy was a good boy who grew up to become a good man. His parents taught him violence was never the solution to problems and he learned to have a gentle heart.

When Tommy grew up he married Julie. Julie was the girl of Tommys dreams. Her short small body contained a huge spirit. She simply took his breath away. He had never met a girl like her, she loved sports and sci-fi, she loved adventure movies and beer. They shared all the same interests and tastes from politics to how to have fun. Tommy never knew the love he feels for Julie before and wouldn't have thought it possible if he wasn't experiencing it first hand.

At first Tommy and Julie had the perfect marriage. They never fought, their married life was bliss. As time wore on small arguments sprung up. Over time those arguments got louder and took longer to solve.

Julies temper feels like an injured wild animal to Tommy. He knows he loves Julie, even the wild animal temper. He sees her temper flare when she feels hurt and wonders if somehow he hurt her. He knows he isn't perfect and that he can be insensitive and selfish. He wonders if it is his fault.

Tommy is alone with this problem. He thinks that he must be a man and be strong in the face of such rage. What are a few bruises, if your a real man he asks himself. He believes his friends would laugh at him for being beaten up by a girl but he loves her to much to strike back and so he suffers in silence.

Whether its love for Julie or the shame of being hurt by a girl he keeps his silence. He does not know if he deserves this abuse or not and so keeps the secret. The fighting is not that often and usually they do have lots of fun and so he tries to forget it. 

What should Tommy do?

Tommys' story is a creation of my imagination but could be very real. This story could go on and lead to divorce but I wonder how often it does. I suspect that in some cases the story never really ends and the abuse just carries on. Gender roles complicate this issue and while men do suffer abuse at the hands of their girl friends and wives there seems to be little awareness or support for this problem.

I would like to ask that you let me know what you think in the comments box below. Do you think a man should suffer abuse because he is a man and that somehow means he should be stronger? Should he leave an abusive woman no matter what? Men, what would you do? Women, do we hold ourselves to a different standard then men?


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    • kirstenblog profile image

      kirstenblog 8 years ago from London UK

      Rafini - Too true! Being able to spot abuse is important and reminders like this will hopefully keep people aware of the unusual ways abuse can happen.

    • Rafini profile image

      Rafini 8 years ago from Somewhere I can't get away from

      Abuse is abuse - no matter which direction it is coming from. Thanks for the reminder that women can be as guilty as men, and it doesn't always have to take a physical form.

    • kirstenblog profile image

      kirstenblog 8 years ago from London UK

      I am flattered to have this hub posted on your blog! This story was inspired by seeing a couple in public, the girl hitting and screaming at the guy. He just kinda stood there taking it. People walked by uncomfortable at the spectacle but hesitant or unwilling to get involved. I feel confident that had the roles been reversed and the guy was hitting the girl someone would have been on the phone to the police and trying to stop the abuse. That thought and the image has stuck with me since then.

    • Dale Mazurek profile image

      Dale Mazurek 8 years ago from Canada

      Its a shame that in 2010 we still need to be writing about stuff like this.

      I guess I am a fool to think it will ever go away.

      The hub is great and tells a very real story.

      The hub is now posted on my blog


    • profile image

      bruisedwoman 8 years ago

      Thank you for sharing your story. It was awesome. Please read about mine at

      It doesn't matter the gender, abuse is abuse

    • wrenfrost56 profile image

      wrenfrost56 8 years ago from U.K.

      Your right, it could well be real, men suffer domestic violence as well as women, well done on bringing this subject down to a personal level.

    • profile image

      lyricsingray 8 years ago

      Degrading immoral acts are so preventable but so hard to escape from once involved. I really enjoyed this Hub, Thank you, Kimberly

    • profile image

      lynnechandler 8 years ago

      Awesome article Kirsten. I feel as Laura no one should suffer abuse no matter the gender.

    • Laura du Toit profile image

      Laura du Toit 8 years ago from South Africa

      Nobody, no man or woman should suffer in silence and no living being deserves to be abused. Women abusers are not that uncommon - I think the reporting of the abuse is just that much more humiliating and degrading from a man's perspective.This means that a women abuser has more control as she knows that what little pride he has left will more than likely prevent him from reporting the abuse.

      Thanks for the interesting and somewhat sadistic twist.

    • dohn121 profile image

      dohn121 8 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

      One of the most famous cases of domestic abuse involved Lionel Richie and his wife. Just hearing this story immediately reminded me of this. It is unfortunate and I'm sure it happens more often than we realize. Thanks, Kirsten, for sharing this one.