A Newly Single Woman asks: "How Do I Avoid Becoming A Booty Call?"

Amy got divorced a year ago and now she feels ready to date again. She had been married for eight years and prior to marriage she also dated her ex-husband for two years. Essentially Amy has only been with one man for over a decade.Now that Amy is getting back into the dating scene she is concerned about being used and or trusting “the wrong men”. Naturally she wants to avoid any STDs. She also asked, “How do I avoid becoming a booty call?”

My answer is below. Please feel free to offer your advice in the comments section.

There is only one 100% effective way for a woman to avoid becoming a “booty call”. Don’t Have Premarital Sex!

We Have No Vote In The Matter As to How Others Feel About Us

Honestly none of us has a say in how someone else views us or values us. I may think I'm handsome but a woman I'm attracted to thinks I'm average looking. I may think I'm the best lover in the world but a woman I had sex with may have thought it was so-so. My point is a lot of the time what WE think of ourselves may not be what another person thinks of us. Ultimately we're all looking for people who agree with us!

There are a few reasons why a woman could be a booty call for a man. Her personality is not such that he'd want to deal with her on a regular basis. Maybe he perceives her as having too much baggage, a negative attitude/outlook, she smokes and he doesn't, curses more than he'd like, she's slightly below his "ideal beauty standards", (she may weigh more than he likes, skin may not be as clear, has a nasal voice, an obnoxious laugh, an ugly tattoo, fat long thick finger nails, talks loud, their worlds are miles apart (ie he's a business man and she's a hot looking "biker babe", she dresses too slutty, has a "I don't need a man, I'm a queen, I'm a goddess, I'm a diva" attitude. Everyone is entitled to have “their list” of what keeps someone from being a serious girlfriend/boyfriend material.

Since a “booty call” is NOT a “one-night-stand” it’s very easy for a person to mistakenly believe they are in a genuine relationship. Although you don’t expect to meet his best friends and family members right away you probably should be suspicious if 4 months have gone by and you’ve never met anyone close to him.

Some women and men are "asking for the moon" and have little to offer! Generally speaking water seeks it's own level and like attracts like.

"Don't expect to sit next to the moon unless you're a star!"

(NOTE: Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder so is "booty call" material) If a woman is not a man's ideal woman there is always a chance he may see her as a "booty call". It's all SUBJECTIVE.

We don't get to tell other people (what to think of us). Each of us makes up our own minds and form our own opinions about other people regardless of what THEY may think of themselves!)

"One man's "booty call" is another man's dream girl!"

(A woman may date men she has no intention of having sex with and men have sex with women they have no intention of bringing into their “inner circle”.)

Basically a "booty call" is a woman that a man feels is not worthy of bringing into his inner circle of close friends and family. He wouldn't want to take her to his company Christmas party or a family picnic. The guy may have sex with her because it's great or simply because it beats masturbation.

Another reason a man may look at a woman as a “booty call” is because he's got his eye on someone "special", he's already in a relationship or there is too much distance between you. Maybe he only comes to town on business a few times a year.

Do I Command Respect by Making Him Wait?

It's not just about respect. If a man has made up his mind that a woman would not fit in his "inner circle" it won't matter if she "plays hard to get" or "demands to be respected". He'll just move on to someone else. In his mind she's not worth the effort. It's not like he wanted to marry her to begin with. If he’s not "into her" there is nothing she can say or do that will elevate her status in his mind from potential booty call.

It's not about whether you have sex too soon. I've had sex with women on the first night or very soon after and we evolved into serious relationships lasting anywhere from 2-8 years. Had there not been any sexual chemistry between us that first night those relationships would not have evolved. "Bad sex or so-so sex = a “one nightstand" in my book.

It’s like the old saying, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression”.

I’ve known several men who have a 3-date rule. They want to know if they’re sexually compatible with a woman as soon as possible. If she rejects them or refuses to "kiss on the first date" they assume she's not that into them.

When a woman thinks a guy is "HOT" she is hesitant to do or say anything that might turn him off.

Don’t Men Enjoy The Chase?

The notion that men enjoy the chase is outdated. No one likes rejection period.

Imagine if you went to kiss a guy and he turned his head. Would that excite you?

Would it turn you on?

If he pushed you away would that make you want to go out with him again?

Most people would rather hear the word YES over the word NO.

It's been said a woman knows within the first 5 minutes of meeting a man if she would sleep with him.

Men Don’t Want To Be Used Either

(Believe it or not there are some women who will go out with men they are NOT attracted to simply because they had nothing else planned.)

It's a free dinner, a concert or play they wanted to see...etc. Her going out with him has nothing to do with how she feels about him. As much as a woman may not want to be a "booty call" a guy does not want to be played as a "sucker".

Some women will string a guy along until he wakes up or the woman finally comes clean and tells him all they can ever be is "friends".

A few will break down and have sex with him once or twice (out of guilt) in return for accepting a ton of gifts, expensive dinners, concerts/shows, candy, balloons, roses, money for a "girl-friends getaway" or helping to pay some of her bills.

When it's all said and done, Women don't want to be used for their bodies and Men don't want to be used for their money.

Reality & Rules

None of us has any say in how others see us.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

We have no say as to who is attracted to us nor can we make someone be attracted to us.

You can't manufacture chemistry. (It's either there or it's not.)

You don't demand or negotiate love and affection, these things are (given freely).

I've learned the one rule in love is there are NO rules!

The "Right person" will come along and you'll break ALL of your rules!

The only person you can control is yourself.

Be yourself and never have sex with a man based upon a "hidden agenda". (ie: hoping for anything beyond an orgasm).

Women that have sex with an agenda often feel like they got "used" instead of two consenting adults having a mutual pleasurable experience.

Have “The Talk” Before You Have Sex….

(Men seldom confuse SEX with LOVE.)

You can fall in love with someone you've never had sex with and you can have sex with someone you will never love. One has very little to do with the other.

If he's "the one" he will naturally see you as being "the one".

We all want to be loved and respected for the person we are and not the person we pretended to be. You can't fake being something you're not forever. Once the real you steps out he/she may dump you!

You might as well be YOU up front, state what you're looking for and let the chips fall where they may. Love is a gamble and there are no guarantees your feelings for someone will be reciprocated.

Best of luck!