A Note From A Friend

I got a message from a friend yesterday, a long one. It was telling me how to better improve my life; as in the outlook I have on it and how I live it. It hurt a lot to read those words of truth. The truth hurts sometimes, but the sting of it after is what really gets you. I now know that something needs to change. The beauty of the situation, however, is that I’m not changing for anyone but myself. It’s Andrea that needs to get better, and it’s Andrea that deserves it.

When I step back and think about it, I really do deserve a life full of wonderful and terrible things that are going to happen. I am kind, I am compassionate, I am good with little kids, I am a good dancer/performer, I am good at making other people smile, I am generous, I am good at thinking of other people and I am worthy of nice things.

It’s suffocating sometimes, to have all of this positivity shoved down my throat every ten seconds. I can’t be happy all the time and I won’t be happy all the time. It’s not easy and it never will be, but it will get more manageable. But when I’m sad, it’s hard to hear other people being positive, because it makes me think to myself “Why aren’t you feeling that right now?”

On the other hand, I know it’s good for me to be positive at least once in a while. Apparently I need to surround myself with “good, positive things”. It’s just hard because a certain kind of sadness can cause you to drown. I like my sad music and my sad books and my sad interests, I like sad. I’ve really come to accept that sadness is a feeling. It’s really comforting to be filled with sadness instead of happiness. But something has to change to make Andrea happy. It’s healthy until it’s taken a little overboard. I need to start introducing happy things into my life though. It’s literally so hard though.
I keep making all of these promises and bold statements to people on how I’m going to act, think and just be more positive. I’m good at promises, I’m just not good at this type of promise, it’s too big for me. I can’t just quit sadness as simple as that, it’s going to take a lot of time. And effort too. I know it’s been done before though. And I can probably do it, I just need to put my head and my heart into it, full swing and all the way. It’ll be really hard though.

Like they say, you only live once. But if you do it right, once is enough.