A walk in the cold: some thoughts about life and love

I looked out at the window and I enjoyed staring at how small snowflakes fall to the ground. I went to the porch and just stayed there until my feet are cold and I went inside the house. I wonder why there are still birds flying around circling the tree. I want to talk to them and invite them inside the house and make them warm. But they just flew away, and I cant see them anymore, they will come back afterwards I suppose, and I will see the flock again. You see I have written a poetry about the the birds and the tree. I call it the flock of birds, like a flock of sheep and some animals, they always seem to go together and when one is going to the north, they all follow through. isn’t it amazing, how these animals share some characteristics of humans. Humans love to follow where others are also going, some humans chose to be alone and go through a road where nobody goes. And they go through life alone, sad outside but contented inside, or the other way around, who knows. What makes us happy? A simple new cell phone, writing, looking at children walking with their mom going to school, cute in their winter attire? I am thinking, why not take a walk, and suddenly my face lit up.

Happiness is subjective yes indeed. Lost in my thoughts and daydreaming, I grabbed my jacket, socks, tennis shoes, neck warmer and gloves. I ran outside the house, scurrying down the stairs. Whew, the wind blows in my face, BRRRRRR, I saw our neighbor busy checking his car, and he waved his hand, I smiled and walk faster. Maybe he is wondering where am I going. Damn, I forgot my brewed coffee this morning, I feel cold but comfortable with my jacket. I walked towards the road with the big vacant lot at the right side. The cars in the road are passing by and I can see a store some 500 steps along the way. I just walked and lost I my thoughts, three cars passed me by already. I just smiled and say thanks to them when they offered a ride. They must be thinking I am crazy to walk alone in the colds, much more when they know that I don’t know exactly where to go, I just want to walk with the cold air. There are lots of cars passing by now, and I just wonder why the people are in a rush. I think of my life suddenly. I am always in a rush, doing these and that, earning money, dreaming big, saving money. Money, money, money is all. And then a car suddenly stopped by and ask if I need a lift again. I just said no and went on walking, the driver is following me, and I stopped. I said “What?” Aren’t you cold, the man asked. “No”, I said and walked faster, he just keeps on following me with his car moving slowly. There are other cars passing by. I would like to say leave me alone, but I cant. I don’t care if you follow me, I will just scream if you do something bad, or run as fast as I can, I was thinking slowly. My mind was drifting off the road and then I didn’t know I was near the corner street already, and the man blocked my way. It was the same man inside the car, I was scared, he is big, like 6’2 maybe, and yes he is like a football player, overpowering me and standing in front of me. He said, Hi, I followed you, is it obvious? I cant help myself being sarcastic. I am always like that, sarcastic in a way. Why not be nice instead? I was just thinking of our neighbor next to us, I always get irritated when he wants to ask me something or just want to have a conversation, I know he lives alone too and must be sad sometimes, but he isn’t a child, yes he is not helpless like the children I am feeding every weekend. But I guess I am too rude at times, maybe after the walk I can knock in his house and return the favor of asking, how is he doing instead of him always asking me about how am I doing?

Do we ever care genuinely about others, our neighbors, how about the community (what do we consider our community?), and the world? Wow, the world. I need to be happy first, then I can think about the world? Are we born selfish?

Back to the man in the road, he asked if I am Asian and he introduced himself, not again I said in my mind, this introduction gives me creeps. I don’t want men asking my name right now, tomorrow or maybe never. He said, he is having a bad day, just driving off, and he just want to say hi to me, he must sense I am scared and he gave his right hand, shake hands, hmmmmm, his name he said is Warren, sounds like underwear to me, I said he laughed at me. How about yours, he asked. I just smiled. Ok he said, will you give your name after a cup of coffee he asked me. There’s a Starbucks around the next corner street, he said. Wow, coffee, but I suppressed it instead I said I will walk home now and thanks for the introduction, Mr. Warren--brief, and I smiled in my naughtiness. I said thanks and turned around. I walked home as fast as I can now, and I realized I walked maybe for 45 minutes already, long walk, and I am feeling very cold now. I reached the house and prepared my brewed coffee, then suddenly somebody is knocking at the door, I looked and peep through the hole, it was the Big man again, maybe he followed me until the house. I was scared, stalker? But I kept my cool and told him, I will call the police if he wont go. He smiled at me again and he said he likes me when I was smiling. Hmmm, the nerve I said. He will go home if I will tell him my name. I said “Lorena Bobbit”, then he looked at me without smile now. Then, he smiled again, he said, you’re funny. And suddenly I blurted out the right words I would like to tell him all along, “Leave me alone“, or I will call the police. I closed the door and have a sigh of relief. But that’s not the end of it, it is funny that most of the times when I am outside the house, he will pass by and said Hi, he never knows my name. Maybe he is a good man, who knows? He said he lives around the corner too and for me not to be scared of him. Please, he said. Still, he is creepy to me, what if he is a psychopath, killer or rapist?

Is it just difficult to trust people these days, is it just me or everybody doesnt trust anybody anymore. there are lots of scams everywhere, money is the center of it all. Why are people insatiable and can never be contented?

I have been hurt and I don’t want to open up too. Am I being too hard, suspicious or what? Sometimes when life is hard on you and you have been hurt, you try to protect yourself. I don’t want the risk of being hurt again is all. But like the old adage and saying, open your heart and you can see beauty around you. Why being alone is not enough? Do we ever need somebody to love? Is the joy you get out of it outweighs the risk of being hurt again? Maybe he is sincere, maybe not, we never know and he just wanted to befriend me, but can you blame me? Our world has become so scary nowadays.

What matters most to life, love, children, money, material things?

Or is it that:

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough. By Ann Landers

How about this song:

1976, Ray Conniff

Do you know where you're going to?
Lyrics:

Do you know where you´re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to, do you know?

Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for, do you know?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
And you knew how I loved you but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to, do you know?

(Trumpet solo)

Now looking back at alI we planned
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we see
How sad the answers to those questions can be?

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to, do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for, do you know?