Abusive Relationship Escape
No One Deserves Abuse
Abusive relationships are becoming commonplace in the new media today. It isn’t right the way we allow others to treat us. My biggest problem when I was going through it, is that I didn’t believe I deserved better. I was desperate enough for a relationship, any relationship, that I accepted the on-and-off abuse, he gave me as all I could ever get. Now that I am many years older and wiser I realize that he wasn’t the end of my chances for a relationship. When you are young, you just don’t think you will ever be loved.
I remember like it was yesterday, waking every day and praying I wouldn’t do anything to upset him (the abuser) today, tiptoeing to the kitchen to fix his meals and wash his clothes. After a while, you feel like there is no way out but inevitable death. Death felt uplifting compared to the dumps I was in. I’m here to say that this is no way to live. There is a door out of that better than death. You just have to take it. Pack up and leave. I remember also I was afraid of being lonely. Trust me; the loneliest day without the abuser was 100 times better than the best day with him.
Take it from me, there is life after abuse. I am able to say that if you or your friend is in an abusive relationship, here are some questions to ask yourself.
Does He or She:
- Call you abusive and hurtful names
- Keep track of you every moment of the day
- Act jealous and controlling
- Prevent you from interacting with friends and family or even old activities
- Accuse you of being unfaithful or disloyal
- Demand the destruction of personal or sentimental mementos
- Hurt, kick, slap, punch, push, pull hair or bully you
- Flirt with others in front of you
- Coerce or force you to have sex against your will or wishes
- Assure you that he/she is the best thing that ever happened to you
- Emotionally manipulate you by making you feel stupid, sorry or guilty
- Lie about you to make himself/herself look or feel better
- Threaten to hurt or kill you (or himself/herself) if you try to end the relationship
Abusive Relationships
If you checked one or more of these, you are in an abusive relationship.
The problem of abuse and abusive relationships is escalating at an alarming rate. “Research has shown 36 to 50 percent of American women will be abused in their lifetime,” according to Terry Miller Shannon, author of Abusive Relationships: How to Avoid Them. Shannon states, “Battering is the greatest case of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.” “Approximately one in three girls will be sexually abused before the age of 18” according to Prevention & Motivation Program, Inc., Sexual Abuse Facts and Statistics. What is the problem? Why would girls or boys today accept abuse in their relationships? Who is to blame? Parents? Teachers? The media? Ourselves?
I decided the only one to blame was myself for staying in the situation. Once you realize the difference between real love and the selfish thing the abuser calls love, the only real deliverance is getting out.
In a Healthy Relationship He or She:
- Wants what’s best for you
- Thinks of you over self
- Is willing to wait for intimacy until you are both ready
- Would not think of flirting or being unfaithful to you
- Does not make jokes at your expense
- Values your opinion
- Admits and apologizes when he/she is wrong
Refuse To Accept It
Abuse is never deserved. It is never your fault that someone chooses violence. You cannot MAKE a person hurt you; he chooses to do that. And the assault is illegal. You never have to accept it even from your husband or wife. Not in the United States, anyway.
There are places you can call for help:
National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline, (800) 799-SAFE
The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, www.rainn.org, (800) 656-HOPE
State Coalitions and Information on Domestic Violence have numbers for each state in the US
Also, there are Teen Helplines and Crisis Centers in each state and many cities list them in the phone book or you could Google them.
Maintain Your Own Identity And Friends
Love is wonderful and intense but you should never lose who you are. Anyone who asks you to change doesn't really love you for who you are. Anyone who asks you to give up your identity and your friends doesn't love you enough to trust you. Say to yourself, “I was a complete person before we met and will be after.” Take your time to get to know a guy. You should never have to vow undying love after one week or even one month. The “getting to know you” part is the most fun, so take time to enjoy it. Years would be a good idea.
With all this in mind, we need to remember who and what we are. Girls and boys, you are not ugly misfits. You are awesome and wanted, special and sought after by God. You are worth better than abuse. Even your abusive friend thinks you are worthy or he/she would not be with you. Many people aren’t sure what a healthy relationship looks like so they are willing to accept any relationship. A healthy relationship expects respect from both people. Be sure you demand respect; it’s the least you deserve.
Red Flags
Work On Your Self-Worth
First of all, you need to look at yourself as worthy of better than abusive treatment.
You were wonderfully made!
“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” Psalms 139:13-14a NKJV
You are no accident of nature. God created you just as you are and He is pleased with you and how you look. He wants what is best for you. He had a plan for you from the beginning. He thinks good things about you.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV
He will help if you call on Him. He wants what is best not what is harmful to you.
“Deliver me, O Lord, from the evil man: preserve me from the violent man…” Psalms 140:1 KJV
Do you know someone in an abusive relationship?
You are worth better treatment. Do something for yourself this week because you deserve it. Go for a walk. Shop. Dance or sing in the privacy of your own room. Wear yellow or orange just to give yourself a “pick up”. Smile. Commit a random act of kindness. Go to a movie, preferably a comedy; no need to buy more tears. Just sit in the sunlight or hang out with friends.
