ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Abusive Relationship Escape

Updated on July 29, 2019
PAINTDRIPS profile image

Many women find themselves in abusive situations in this country; Denise was one of them. She writes about her experience and escape.

Source

No One Deserves Abuse

Abusive relationships are becoming commonplace in the new media today. It isn’t right the way we allow others to treat us. My biggest problem when I was going through it, is that I didn’t believe I deserved better. I was desperate enough for a relationship, any relationship, that I accepted the on-and-off abuse, he gave me as all I could ever get. Now that I am many years older and wiser I realize that he wasn’t the end of my chances for a relationship. When you are young, you just don’t think you will ever be loved.

I remember like it was yesterday, waking every day and praying I wouldn’t do anything to upset him (the abuser) today, tiptoeing to the kitchen to fix his meals and wash his clothes. After a while, you feel like there is no way out but inevitable death. Death felt uplifting compared to the dumps I was in. I’m here to say that this is no way to live. There is a door out of that better than death. You just have to take it. Pack up and leave. I remember also I was afraid of being lonely. Trust me; the loneliest day without the abuser was 100 times better than the best day with him.

Take it from me, there is life after abuse. I am able to say that if you or your friend is in an abusive relationship, here are some questions to ask yourself.

Source

Does He or She:

  • Call you abusive and hurtful names
  • Keep track of you every moment of the day
  • Act jealous and controlling
  • Prevent you from interacting with friends and family or even old activities
  • Accuse you of being unfaithful or disloyal
  • Demand the destruction of personal or sentimental mementos
  • Hurt, kick, slap, punch, push, pull hair or bully you
  • Flirt with others in front of you
  • Coerce or force you to have sex against your will or wishes
  • Assure you that he/she is the best thing that ever happened to you
  • Emotionally manipulate you by making you feel stupid, sorry or guilty
  • Lie about you to make himself/herself look or feel better
  • Threaten to hurt or kill you (or himself/herself) if you try to end the relationship

Source

Abusive Relationships

If you checked one or more of these, you are in an abusive relationship.

The problem of abuse and abusive relationships is escalating at an alarming rate. “Research has shown 36 to 50 percent of American women will be abused in their lifetime,” according to Terry Miller Shannon, author of Abusive Relationships: How to Avoid Them. Shannon states, “Battering is the greatest case of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.” “Approximately one in three girls will be sexually abused before the age of 18” according to Prevention & Motivation Program, Inc., Sexual Abuse Facts and Statistics. What is the problem? Why would girls or boys today accept abuse in their relationships? Who is to blame? Parents? Teachers? The media? Ourselves?

I decided the only one to blame was myself for staying in the situation. Once you realize the difference between real love and the selfish thing the abuser calls love, the only real deliverance is getting out.

Source

In a Healthy Relationship He or She:

  • Wants what’s best for you
  • Thinks of you over self
  • Is willing to wait for intimacy until you are both ready
  • Would not think of flirting or being unfaithful to you
  • Does not make jokes at your expense
  • Values your opinion
  • Admits and apologizes when he/she is wrong

Source

Refuse To Accept It

Abuse is never deserved. It is never your fault that someone chooses violence. You cannot MAKE a person hurt you; he chooses to do that. And the assault is illegal. You never have to accept it even from your husband or wife. Not in the United States, anyway.

There are places you can call for help:

National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline, (800) 799-SAFE

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, www.rainn.org, (800) 656-HOPE

State Coalitions and Information on Domestic Violence have numbers for each state in the US

Also, there are Teen Helplines and Crisis Centers in each state and many cities list them in the phone book or you could Google them.

Source

Maintain Your Own Identity And Friends

Love is wonderful and intense but you should never lose who you are. Anyone who asks you to change doesn't really love you for who you are. Anyone who asks you to give up your identity and your friends doesn't love you enough to trust you. Say to yourself, “I was a complete person before we met and will be after.” Take your time to get to know a guy. You should never have to vow undying love after one week or even one month. The “getting to know you” part is the most fun, so take time to enjoy it. Years would be a good idea.

With all this in mind, we need to remember who and what we are. Girls and boys, you are not ugly misfits. You are awesome and wanted, special and sought after by God. You are worth better than abuse. Even your abusive friend thinks you are worthy or he/she would not be with you. Many people aren’t sure what a healthy relationship looks like so they are willing to accept any relationship. A healthy relationship expects respect from both people. Be sure you demand respect; it’s the least you deserve.

Red Flags

Work On Your Self-Worth

First of all, you need to look at yourself as worthy of better than abusive treatment.

You were wonderfully made!

“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” Psalms 139:13-14a NKJV

You are no accident of nature. God created you just as you are and He is pleased with you and how you look. He wants what is best for you. He had a plan for you from the beginning. He thinks good things about you.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV

He will help if you call on Him. He wants what is best not what is harmful to you.

“Deliver me, O Lord, from the evil man: preserve me from the violent man…” Psalms 140:1 KJV

Do you know someone in an abusive relationship?

See results
Source

You are worth better treatment. Do something for yourself this week because you deserve it. Go for a walk. Shop. Dance or sing in the privacy of your own room. Wear yellow or orange just to give yourself a “pick up”. Smile. Commit a random act of kindness. Go to a movie, preferably a comedy; no need to buy more tears. Just sit in the sunlight or hang out with friends.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • PAINTDRIPS profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise McGill 

      2 weeks ago from Fresno CA

      Ann Carr,

      It is so true. I think men like that target women whose self-esteem is non-existent to begin with. They are so much easier to manipulate that way. He always told me I should be glad he even wanted me around and I believed it for a long time. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • PAINTDRIPS profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise McGill 

      2 weeks ago from Fresno CA

      Besarien,

      Thank you for your encouragement. I agree that evil preys on the ignorant and innocent. It's a shame really that we don't tell our children more about these possibilities. You just don't think it will happen to you or to your child. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 

      2 weeks ago from SW England

      It does bring you down and your self-worth just about disappears, which is why it takes so long to do something about it. When you do, you realise that you should have done it a long time beforehand.

      Great hub with lots of superb advice.

      Ann

    • Besarien profile image

      Besarien 

      7 weeks ago from South Florida

      You can't help with whom who you fall in love. I have been very, very lucky in that regard. I'm so sorry to hear that you were unlucky when you were young and most vulnerable. Getting out of that situation and becoming the person you are today was a hero's journey. You are an inspiration for anyone still stuck in an emotional tunnel who can't yet see their own way through it.

      As a mum to a young man, I thank you for including boys as well as girls as the prime beneficiaries of your hard-won wisdom on this topic. While anyone at any age can fall victim to a dark relationship, the inexperienced are far more at risk.

      Predators prey on ignorance as well as innocence. Thank you for putting good information out into the world.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise McGill 

      7 weeks ago from Fresno CA

      Linda Crampton,

      I do hope it will be helpful for others. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 

      7 weeks ago from British Columbia, Canada

      I'm so sorry about your experience, Denise. Thank you sharing the advice. I'm sure it will be helpful for people who find themselves in a similar situation to the one that you experienced.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise McGill 

      7 weeks ago from Fresno CA

      Dora Weithers,

      It took me a long time to really believe it for myself so I want to be sure other women and men know it is true. We do deserve better treatment from those we love. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      7 weeks ago from The Caribbean

      "You deserve better." Thanks for underscoring this truth for women and men who allow themselves to get accustomed to abuse. Very helpful.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise McGill 

      7 weeks ago from Fresno CA

      Mary Wickison,

      I wish it wasn't true that so many can relate but I have found more than I would like to say who have gone through or who are going through similar experiences. Sometimes it is due to drugs or alcohol but other times there is no good reason for the abuse. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • Blond Logic profile image

      Mary Wickison 

      7 weeks ago from Brazil

      Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm sure there are many who can relate to it.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise McGill 

      7 weeks ago from Fresno CA

      Linda Lum,

      I'm so glad to hear she has gotten to a place to trust again. It took me 7 years but it was a long hard road getting there. A man can really beat the self-confidence out of a girl. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • PAINTDRIPS profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise McGill 

      7 weeks ago from Fresno CA

      Virginia Allain,

      I put up with far more than I should have but you just don't see it coming. You think at 19 you are marrying for life and it was distressing to know I had made a terrible mistake. Still, when I finally left I wasn't going back even though he begged me. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • PAINTDRIPS profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise McGill 

      7 weeks ago from Fresno CA

      Dana Tate,

      Wow, I'm so proud of you. You are stronger than I was. I thought I deserved the treatment and I believed I was lucky to have him even with the cheating. I married him and stayed through the abuse for 4 years, 2 months and 28 days till I finally decided he was going to carry on the abuse to my little baby girls. That's when I left. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • PAINTDRIPS profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise McGill 

      7 weeks ago from Fresno CA

      Eric Dierker,

      It was a horrible experience in my life but I came out the other side stronger and always vigilant for the signs of abusive relationships around me. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • Carb Diva profile image

      Linda Lum 

      7 weeks ago from Washington State, USA

      So glad that you found the strength to escape. My younger daughter was abused physically and emotionally by her husband beginning even before they married and then it only got worse. Eight long years later I think we can finally say that she has recovered and is able to live and love again.

    • Virginia Allain profile image

      Virginia Allain 

      8 weeks ago from Central Florida

      I'm so glad you were able to free yourself from a terrible situation. Best of luck to you.

    • Dana Tate profile image

      Dana Tate 

      8 weeks ago from LOS ANGELES

      I was in a abusive relationship and didn't realize it.

      1.The sly remarks to make me feel like I'm not attractive enough.

      2. Telling me he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

      3. Constantly accusing me of cheating.

      4. Having a wandering eye in front of me which is disrespectful.

      5.Jealous and controlling.

      6. Coercing sex even if I made it clear I was not in the mood.

      I didn't see it as abuse because there wasn't any hitting: but there was definitely emotional abuse and, a deliberate attempt to lower myself worth.

      When I found myself constantly denying his accusations of cheating even though I knew he was. And, realized I was building him up to please him but all he did was tear me down, I picked myself up and dusted myself off and walked away.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 

      8 weeks ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Very interesting the types you have laid out here. What a horrible situation it must be. Well done.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)