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Accidental Stupid Things Guys Say Without Thinking

Updated on January 9, 2019
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth is a rural citizen of Hamilton, Ala., and has begun to observe life and certain things and people helping him to write about them.

Friends, This Introduction

will not be easy. I want to apologize just so there will not be any hurt feelings. I just felt it necessary to get the “work,“ finished and out of the way. And while I am at this juncture, another thing about this piece is that is in no way about sex, sexy girls or even sexy guys. This piece can best be explained as a view into a guy‘s mind and how it works or in this case . . .doesn‘t work. And if you are a guy, you know quite well what I am eluding to.

Right now I would ask all of the guys in my readership and take a good close look at the two girls in this hub. I will even take a coffee break, warm up a cup of my coffee and stretch my limbs. All of this extra activity should take around ten minutes. Deal?

Don‘t laugh. I have completed a comprehensive study of How to Write a Hub and I did some re-studying the major aspects of What Not to Write, Subjects That Make Interesting Hubs and How to Use Correct Grammar---to name a few, and you know what. I appreciate those areas of HubPages Study Guide and (with this hub) I am hoping like there is no tomorrow that “this,“ hub just might win some type of acknowledgement or award. I don‘t care. I am not a choosy man.


This girl is so pretty so guys, please make sure that you are relaxed when you talk to her or else you will be a laughing stock.
This girl is so pretty so guys, please make sure that you are relaxed when you talk to her or else you will be a laughing stock. | Source

Just Keep in Mind

as you guys are sitting down and reading this hub that I haven‘t put anything that might tend to make you think that I am trying to be the reincarnation of the late, humorous Red Skelton. There was only one Red and there shall never be another one. So relax, guys. This is going to be a time of serious studying . . .if you are one of those guys who views a pretty girl and your mind realizes the fact that she is gorgeous, but between the brain and lips, something goes awry and something really dumb spews out of your mouth and you lose whatever credibility you had with that pretty girl.

I am not trying to make you guys feel bad. I was one of those guys between the ages of 14 through 21 and in those seven years, I have been embarrassed by women and I know that in the seven years, I must have embarrassed my share of women, but with age, it is said, comes wisdom. When I turned 22, something wonderful happened to me and I include my marriage with my wife, Pam, who has been married 43 years with me—and in the early going, I did my best to not say any stupid things, but some did, but thank God, she overlooked them.

You see? There is no such of a thing as a perfect guy. Oh, how I wish that I could have been of the perfect background, but I was not. But if you are unable to say anything sensible and cute to a pretty girl, then just get yourself a cup of coffee, put your feet up and read the rest of this hub. I promise that you will be a new man.

The Name of This Hub

is Accidental Stupid Things Guys Say Without Thinking . . .and it won‘t take long for you to know that “I“ am serious-minded man with this hub. You will be thanking me at the end. So let‘s make a go of you becoming reborn from dumb-founded (no offense) to brilliant. NOTE: all of the remarks are made from nervous, non-thinking guys who are trying to impress pretty girls.

  • “Heyyy! Do you ever go out on Saturday nights and go moose hunting?“
  • “My name is Patty, errr, Pat Avon, errr, sorry. I am so happy to shake (pause) your hand!“
  • “Nice, big dress you have on. When is the big day?“ (the poor guy thinks the girl is pregnant).
  • “Did you graduate high school, or did you cheat your way here in the office?“
  • “Care to hear my impression of an old Poodle, errr, sorry. I mean German Switchboard?“
  • “Sayyy, you look so pretty today. Oh,did you forget to shave?”
  • “Oh, I see that you noticed the scratches on my hand. My cat did this because I can’t get a date.”
  • “See that guy over there? He’s our talented quarterback. I can get him to ask you out.”
  • “Your make-up looks so smooth to be applied in three or four layers. Why are you upset?”
  • “I may look like it, but I am not a farmer. I do like pet pigs—so cute just like you.”
  • “Would you let me take my sister with you and me for dinner?”
  • “I noticed that you keep smiling at me. Do you have a bad case of gas?”
  • “. . .and I’m a punctual stud, I hate hot-dogs, but I love sour kraut. No, I am not a Nazi.”
  • “I heard you talking to that girl yesterday and I have to know—are you a farmer’s daughter?”
  • “Hey, you care to take in the wrestling matches with me tonight? I will let you win.”
  • “Tell me. Just how many dough-nuts can you put down at one time?”
  • “When you stand like that, you remind me of Jim Nabors.”
  • “I found out that your name is Judy. I found your name in the boys’ rest room.”
  • “I am going to a Halloween party tonight and I am the back-end of a two-man horse.”
  • “I love horses. Do you? I love for people to ride me like my uncle’s Palomino.”
  • “I love to dance. You look like a good dancer even with your big feet.”
  • “When I hear your voice, I smell like a bowl of Jell-O.”
  • “May I call you tonight? My parents will act as a chaperone just so I won’t say anything vulgar.”
  • “Normally, I am a clean-cut guy. But yesterday, I fell into my grandpa’s hog pen and well, I have put on a few pounds, and grandpa got confused as he thought I was one of his pigs.”
  • “Heyyy, that perfume just drives me wild. Smells a lot like a set of new GoodYear tires.”
  • “Do you dye your hair or are those roots a natural black?”
  • “I got an idea for our first date: my sister and her husband have a child, age three, so you and I can do some babysitting so she and her husband can have a night off.”
  • “Are you a good cook? I’ll ask your mom when I go over to your house to pick you up.”
  • “I was on TV one time. My mom knocked me off of it.”
  • “My name is Jackie, but know this: I always use a fake name when talking to girls.”
  • “My folks will be gone tonight, so when I pick you up I will show you their bedroom.”
  • “Heyyy, you will love this: I will show you our new commode when we drop over at our home”
  • “Want to hear something funny? I got my head stuck in our commode while looking for a quarter.”
  • “Want to have some fun? I will drive us by the pier and the sailors can make passes at you.”
  • “Here look! I can make my face look exactly like my grandma Jemima. She was gypsy.”
  • “Do you ever eat EX-LAX when you feel, you know, kinda down and out?”
  • “You strike me as a girl who knows fashion—so does my new jeans make my rump look big?”
  • “I am not into violence, so when we are in public and another guy makes a pass at you, I will make sure that he treats you right.”
  • “My parents keep harping on me getting a job and getting my own place.”
  • “You are such an athletic girl—so did you go out for football?”
  • “You might like to know that I tried out for cheerleader and made it!”
  • “Would you let me bite your arm to prove to you that my pet Lab is just a big pet?”
  • “Hey, look! I can do a great tortoise impression.”
  • “When you want to have children, do you want me to be their father?”

I think that I have made my point.

If you are a guy that cannot think to say the right thing to a girl, read these items and DO NOT say them or anything like them and you will be fine.

January 9, 2019_______________________________


Remember . . .think first before you speak, guys and you will come out okay.
Remember . . .think first before you speak, guys and you will come out okay. | Source

© 2019 Kenneth Avery

Comments

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    • DWDavisRSL profile image

      DW Davis 

      5 months ago from Eastern NC

      I always thought about what I wanted to say to girls when I was in the age group you mentioned that I rarely got around to saying anything.

    • Jennifer Mugrage profile image

      Jennifer Mugrage 

      5 months ago from Columbus, Ohio

      I love it!

      Things guys have said to me:

      "Are you pregnant? You've kind of got that pregnant-woman waddle."

      (I had been on my feet all day at a new job & my feet hurt)

      "There may be snow on the roof, but there's fire in the basement."

      (Attention, 70-year-old men... this is NOT the way to impress a college girl!)

      In all seriousness, though, let's not be too hard on the guys who are well-intentioned. Women, too, can have social anxiety, forget their own names when introducing themselves, and say stupid things.

      I think a guy will avoid the worst insults if he just realizes that the woman he's talking to is a probably as insecure as he is.

    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 

      5 months ago from Oakley, CA

      LOL. No offense, but IMO, coming from the distaff side, it seems that these kinds of faux pas come about due to guys (yes, even subconsciously, whether they think they are or not), thinking with the wrong 'head...' ;-) :-D

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