Admit One, Please!

There are a lot of takes on homophobia and people assuming that people hate them for who they are. The honest truth is not everyone (not just focusing on one group) knows who they are. I know who I am because I am completely focused on myself and our Lord, Jesus Christ. He leads me to people I need to interact with everyday. I have a choice as a member of the human race to communicate and follow God's plan for me. He still allows me my freewill and knows I will falter, but learn from my choices after I have made them.

I was confused from a very young age. I was sheltered by my parents and I didn't think I'd amount to anything or that I could actually be loved. My mother told me that with my mental impairments I should not be allowed to get married or have children. (I was diagnosed with epilepsy at the age of four. Full story on that in a future article.) I thought of myself as a mental problem for so long. My first love was writing. My mother told me I never finish anything I never finish anything I write. She also told me to never put anything in writing because I used to express my feelings to my boyfriends. I wasn't the only girl who did that, but she was worried that could lead to marriage and kids for me. I realize now that she is unhappy so she wanted to make sure I was unhappy. She wanted me to feel the pain she was feeling. Yes, mom, I understand, but you went about it all wrong. Reverse psychology is possible.

Now for the admitting something section of this article, I automatically believed I was meant to like women because I was trying so hard to get my mom's approval and everyone else's, My mom lead me to believe I could never satisfy a man because she is an unsatisfied woman. See, mom, I understand and I love you! I even considered a thought that I'd be happier and more attractive as a guy because I felt very ugly early on with all this stuff going on. I was bullied all through school because I saw myself as the mental case I believed my mom saw because of how she treated me. I know she wanted love that she thought was wrong all these years, but I wanted that to end with my daughter, but instead it's continuing it's vicious cycle. My daughter needs me and I can't even call to wish her a happy birthday so she probably has it frozen in her mind that I don't care about her or her brother. I'm not my mother and I appreciate my children because they are mine. They were born to be mine and DHS thinks I am a mental disorder because of the the lies my mom spewed because she was jealous I could have kids and she couldn't. (I'm adopted.)

We all believe we are meant to be a particular way because of how the people close to us growing up saw us. I was very confused even up to 2001 when I still questioned whether or not I was a lesbian or should be a transsexual. Yep, I faced all that. I believed I was supposed to be an unwed "straight" man or a lesbian who adopted kids, but only older ones because babies spit up and I believed my mother was right that was one of the many things I should ever do. If you look back at my previous articles you'll see I never listen to anyone now!

What changed my feelings? You probably will have trouble believing it, but that's okay. My friend forced me to go see Lord of the Rings!

I had a boyfriend who was controlling when it came to me hanging out with my friends. He wasn't getting the attention he deserved, but even though we were serious, I was still struggling with my sexuality. I even had a friend who I considered my girlfriend at times because I thought I wanted to be with a girl. We even kissed a few times and I thought I liked it at the time, but I didn't. I wanted to like it because I thought my mom would love me more if I was someone else. I thought everyone would love me more if I was someone else. But, the honest truth was, I needed to love myself and I didn't like being me at all. I always questioned why I had to be born like this...an ugly epileptic woman that would've been happier as a man. I am still friends with the girl I thought I was attracted to back then. She is a great person and deserves to be praised.

What I truly needed to do was step outside of things people were saying to me and about me and be happy in own skin...as the woman God intended for me to be. I honestly didn't understand how to achieve this at all. I was raped by men numerous times not sexually at that time and not just by men. I was raped emotionally by people I should've trusted with my life and not worked so hard to get them to love me. I wanted so much to like men. I did whatever took to prove I was straight, but I hated sex because I forced myself into something I wasn't mentally ready for...love. I wanted love more than anything. I deep desired to be with a man, but I kept hearing my mom's disapproval in her "motherly" tone of voice. She even blamed me for why men came after me. She said I dressed inappropriately. Better that, then the permanent chastity belt she was trying to force on me. I knew I wanted a man, but I also knew I hadn't found him yet. But, I was beginning to acquire an "I'm going to go against your judgments on me because I'm better than that and I am going to do what I want" attitude. I realize now that I love the male anatomy, but I just needed the right visual aide!

A lot of you will think I have mental issues especially if you have read my previous articles about Dominic Monaghan. Since I saw Dom outside of playing his hobbit character, I began noticing a total 360 in my own life. I began writing more, I was happy, excited, vibrant, motivated and creative. I already had all these things, but I hadn't seen them until now. I didn't see them until I truly saw Dominic. Yep, laugh, I'm okay with that. Most importantly though, I began appreciating myself as a woman. I had strong feelings for Dom right away. I knew and understood things differently then I had before. I was upset that I had to see him this way instead of at the park or something. But, what was yet to come in 2015 was something no one could ever prepare for.

I only desired Dom. I knew he was the only man I wanted. I knew it instantly. I looked for him to talk with him to make sure he was doing well and get to know him. But, I found online posers that wanted to be him because they weren't happy being themselves. Anyway, Lost came on television. His shows and his movies were the only way I could see him. I needed to talk with him. Then it went viral. He was dating Evangeline Lily. I was heartbroken and saw my chances of being anything with him dissipating quickly. I needed to move on and forget about Dominic Monaghan completely, but how???

Evangeline in her own way helped to move on and focus on other things other than Dom, but he was still there in the back of my mind. I needed to focus on bettering myself for myself and Dom. I thought if he can date then so can I. For the first time, I wanted marriage and kids. I had confidence that I could be an excellent wife and mother, but my future husband was with someone else.

So I read all the Harry Potter books in record time before Goblet of Fire hit theaters. I read the books before I saw began to memorize any of the films.

I care more about Dom and myself even more now than I did back in 2002. I now also care less about what others think of me because I own my own heart and I know in my own heart what is true for sure. Some of you may believe that "gay" people are following their heart with what they believe as well, but talk to a person who believes they are gay as well. You may see this article as controversial, but why would I admit to past feeling I housed that could've ultimately destroyed me if I wasn't careful and didn't have best friend like Christina that reminded me I have a life outside of my own thoughts! Thanks, girl! I love you!