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- Advice & Tips for Men in Relationships
Advice for Men: How to Get Her Back - Part 1
She might seem to be very distant and reproachful to your advances, or she's literally packed all her bags and left you in the middle of the night. Or maybe she instigated a huge argument over nothing, and then suddenly told you it was really over this time. Either way, she's pissed and you're confused. If you're reading this hub, you're also deeply hurt and after spending hours, days, weeks or months thinking about it, you know that you want her back. You know that you aren't sure exactly what happened, or maybe you know precisely what it was. Which ever way, you also know that you need to figure out what it will take to get her back.
Which is good, because that's one of the reasons many women will break it off with a man they have deep feelings for - to see if he would be happier without her or if he would try to get back with her. Granted, that's reason alone won't drive a woman away from you, so it's important to go through the following steps in order to figure out why she felt the need to test you in that torturous way, and what you can do to get her back before it's too late.
Step 1. Stop & Think
Whether you've suspected it was going to happen, or you were completely broadsided when your girlfriend or wife broke up with you or left. Either way, if you want to get her back, then you need to stop and consider what has brought your relationship to this point. More importantly, you need to think about what brought her from the point of feeling like the relationship wasn't worth trying to save.
Women are particular creatures, in that they are almost always willing to give their relationships every morsel of energy they have. Even the worst relationships, with the wrong guys and the most counterproductive circumstances. We are just wired that way. Still though, after we've devoted ourselves to a man, and done everything we feel can be done to try and keep the fire alive in a relationship, most of us will eventually get out of the relationship.
Still though, unless it's the man who ends the relationship, most women will pull the cart for a long time before giving up. There are a few exceptions to the rule, and some women won't stay in the relationship for long at all, though in those cases, she probably never found a true connection to her mans heart, and didn't feel the need to search any further. Once that connection is found, even if it's just a small one, she's hooked. She must explore every possibility.
We're like fire-starting survivalists. We feel driven to keep sparking the flint or keep rubbing the sticks together, attempting to create a roaring flame and then maintain it. If we see enough sparks with a high probability to start a fire, we'll keep working until the sticks are whittled down into dust. Once that dust is there, we know that we could probably use some stones or other sticks to ignite the highly-flamable dust, but why try?
If the sticks were so lifeless as to be ground down into dust after we tried so diligently to transform the effort of those sticks into a roaring flame that could feed and warm our bodies, then what's the point in giving the extra effort to using that dust? Relationships are similar. Often, even if you don't realize anything is wrong, your woman is working tirelessly to figure out how to bring growth and inspiration into your relationship, and she thinks about how to maintain those key ingredients through intimacy. Keep in mind that she does this because she loves you, and wants to make sure you two are always happy together.
The problem sets in, when her amount of love grows and yours doesn't. You may love her deeply, and be perfectly content being with her for the rest of your life, but that isn't enough. Sure there isn't an exact definition of what "true love" is, but I can guarantee you that every woman's love grows. It's infinite and it expands continually. She shares it with her friends, her children, her co-workers, her family. Most of all, and the part she cherishes the most, is when she shares her love with you. She worships this time, because with you, she can share a special kind of love that she can't share with anyone else. Being with you, not only allows her to express emotions that no others can accept, but it helps to reconnect her to the part of her self that she wishes she could exhibit more often. The part of her that loves completely, wholly and passionately. The part of her that wants to go deep see diving, touring across Europe and treking through the cascades.
In essence, when you're lady feels like you and she still have that connection, then she is still significant. That's a basic human need we all have to meet, and women need that significance from their men. So when she no longer feels significant to you, and she can no longer access her ability to make you feel significant enough to show her affection, then she no longer feels significant to herself. To a woman, that is the metaphorical death of a part of herself she cannot live without. If staying with you means letting go of that part of herself, and she feels there won't be another man who can bring her alive in the same way, she will try to grieve and give up that part of herself for a while. Though the truth is, once she lets go of her need to be significant to you, she also gives up the part of herself that felt the need to stay with you any longer.
I'm telling you all this, because even though every woman is unique in the way that she feels about her mate, and every woman has a different way of dealing with things, the things I've described are the general pattern that most women go through in relationships. It's a mixture of instinct, environment, psychology and circumstance - but in the end, it's pretty much the same.
So, continue on with this step. Reach out with you mind and make an effort to consciously open yourself up. If she's left you or broken up with you, there is a reason. The longer you've been together, the more you can be assured that it's big problem that has been going on for sometime. Do you know what that problem is yet?
If I didn't outline it enough already, it's the loss of connection with you. That's why she broke it off.
Step 2. Remember
You need to now take the time to remember...
- How you felt when you first met her
- How she acted and behaved when you were first together
- What happened after you have been together a while, did anything change?
- Was there a point when she started to seem "different", even if you couldn't really pinpoint what it was that changed?
- Did you ever come to a point where you noticed tat she was frequently upset for no apparent reason?
- When was the first time she really started to seem distant or unavailable to you?
- When did she stop smiling at you in that way that told you she was truly happy?
Think about how your relationship started out, and how things started to develop. This is important, because most men are pretty content with the gradual slow down of the relationship, as long as their basic needs are met. Which makes it easy to overlook the subtle signs and hints that your woman has been giving you over time. If you're going to get her back, you need to figure out when the relationship started to plateau, because that's when she started being unhappy.
Then you need to remember how it was you used to act, when you were first together, and you need to memorize all the things you used to do that made her smile. Those are the things she's misses. Those were the ways she felt connected to you, and those are what she needs again, if there's any chance of getting her back.
Step 3. Redfine Your Feathers
The male peacock is the one with all the fancy feathers. He has those feathers there to use to attract a mate, who just loves to see him shake em. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't just men who like to see their women dress up for them. Women LOVE it when there man gets all gussied up just for her.
This is something you should really have been doing throughout the relationship. Though it's especially necessary if she's already distanced herself. So go out, get a hair cut or new style. Buy some new clothes that accentuate your eyes and hair, get some new shoes and while you're at it, keep remembering how you used to do these things when you were trying to win her over or seduce her, because that will change your attitude as well.
Step 4. Pursue Her
More often then not, the loss of connection between you and your lady, was due to the lack of newness in the relationship and the lessening of hormones that normally flood through us during the "honeymoon" phase. When this started to happen, you stopped pursuing her as much. You stopped advancing the game, which is part of what she loved so much about being with you.
A woman doesn't want to feel like you're going to grow into old stumps together. She wants to feel like you love her so deeply that if she ran away, you would chase her. She wants to know how much you really mean to her, and she wants to know that you know who she is, that you understand her and love her in spite of any lesser characteristics she may have.
You need to figure out just what it was that you used to do, that got her attention and showed her just how you feel about her. You need to pursue her, regardless of how far away she's gone, or how "over it" she may seem to be. She's really just trying to get genuine affection from you, and trying to bring back the physical and emotional experiences she used to have with you. She's probably tried to tell you, show you and beat you over the head with her needs, but it hasn't worked. Leaving you is her last desperate attempt to hold on to you. Though once she's gotten to that point, she accepts that you might never wake up and give her what she desperately needs from you. In fact, by that point, she's pretty sure you'll never figure it out. So show her you know what she wants. Show her that you're willing to stop, drop everything and pursue her, even if it means everything else will fall apart.
Is that a lot to ask? Sure it is. Though love doesn't always play fair, nor is it always easy. Neither are women.