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After the Rosy Glow Dissipates

Updated on April 30, 2012
Drifting Apart
Drifting Apart

How to Keep the Flame Burning Bright (Uggh!)

All of us have read magazine or online articles about how to spice up a marriage that seems to be petering out. Do not take them to heart. They are based on some kind of Disney fantasy, and, as such are utter nonsense. The authors of these "how to" pieces are writing for people who do not exist in this plane of existence. The authors could be eighteen years old for all we know.

Unlike our primate brothers, human beings develop a deep sense of attachment to their family, but that does not make us monogamous (or bad/evil creatures for being non-monogamous). A lot of men wander away from the nest even before their progeny have reached a point of self-sufficiency (heartless but true).

Relationships that last decades start to point toward mutual dependency on a psychological level. Men are built to impregnate as many females as possible. Women are built to carefully select one male who can be relied on to bring home a sturgeon or several plump trout, and is at least kind toward the children. This notion of maintaining a sense of romantic love over a period of decades is an absurd myth.

Don't mistake this with the fact that you can find couples who have stayed together with the false, outward face that they remain romantically in love. At the least, these couples have twin beds or entirely separate bedrooms, or the male will make a habit of sipping his whiskey then curl up on the couch.

All of this may sound utterly gloomy, but in actuality it isn't. The entire night-time routine is just part of a process that neither party even thinks about. Sometimes it happens sooner, sometimes it happens later. But, writing and publishing tips for those with diminished libidos is unhelpful. They create a kind of "Wizard of Oz" world where anything is possible if we just tap our ruby shoes together enough times.

The problem is that some uneducated (or half educated) people will read these "rekindle your relationship" articles with a misplaced sense of hope and glee. And I'm here to announce to you that the entire pitch is hog wash. Most of these points have been regurgitated over and over. They didn't work for prior generations, so why should they work for us? Skip this fluff entirely and read something warranting deep contemplation.

If you are a young couple and find yourselves in an ebbing flame mode, and may be contemplating divorce because of it -- I can tell you flat out -- don't bother. You'll face the same situation in marriage number two, three, four, etc.

If you are an older couple, you've probably adjusted to the lack of intimacy. At first it isn't easy, but over the years it doesn't seem like any big deal.

This short synopsis doesn't address the million and one reasons why couples should divorce. But strictly on the subject of intimacy, if the embers finally go out, it's still worth sticking with the marriage even though there is no romance. Consistency, reliability, dedication, honesty are not easy to estimate.


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    • hawkdad73 profile image

      hawkdad73 6 years ago from Riverside, Iowa

      This is a great hub. My wife has come to terms with the fact that we have a "separate bed" marriage. I think people need to think that romance is or should be an undying bond that lasts through the millennia (who has the energy!)

    • alexandra-t profile image

      alexandra-t 6 years ago

      i agree with your comment. perhaps i was too quick to jump to conclusions after reading your article. =)

    • rjbatty profile image

      rjbatty 6 years ago from Irvine

      alexandra-t: I like to think of it as a realistic depiction of romance and fidelity. I am basing it on what I have seen, heard, read, plus my own experience. What I did hope to achieve (but seemed to fail at) was suggesting that romances are destined to fade, but that's okay because they're still many elements that make staying together worth while. I simply think that the articles published by eighteen-year-olds about keeping the torches lit into old age are unrealistic and kind of offensive. There are attributes beyond mere passion that create a cemented relationship.

    • alexandra-t profile image

      alexandra-t 6 years ago

      this is a rather negative article...but of course, to each his own =)


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