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Are You in a Healthy Relationship?

Updated on June 13, 2019
Stina Caxe profile image

Cristina is a business professional who has a degree in art and a degree in psychology. A mother of two, community volunteer and writer.

Relationships are hard!

Sometimes we put everything we have got into a relationship and still end up heartbroken. We are left wondering what went wrong, and often in this day and age (when ghosting someone is more common that not) our questions are left unanswered.

Often times, when we put everything into a relationship, and in turn we lose focus on ourselves. No relationship should ever stop you from being yourself.

Relationships are hard because, as I have said many times, it is so much more difficult to maintain love than hate.

An interesting theory.

Several years ago, I was discussing relationships with a friend I went to church with. He brought up something called the A-V-H relationship theory. He insisted it was a great way to explain why things don't work out between couples. Honestly, his interpretation confused me so I went on to look up more information myself. I ended up finding more about it on the Southlake Counseling website.

With this particular method it is important to understand that the letters do not represent words, but in fact shapes.

Each letter, A-V and H represent a different relationship in the form of the shape of the letter. The shape of the letter represents the form that each couple takes on when relating to each other.

A Shape

Picture the two lines of the letter A that come up and meet at the top as each person in the relationship. One person is one line, the other person is represented by the opposite line. The line across from one line to the other, represents the connection between the two people.

I tend to associate this type of relationship with "love at first sight" or those couples who are still in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship. The A shape symbolizes the couple being completely immersed with each other however, if one of the two were to ever change their behavior the other one would fall.

When people talk about being completely in love but their partner changing his or her ways and this new behavior causing them to "fall apart" this is what I imagine, the "A".

An A relationship will at first seem amazing. One would feel an incredible connection to their partner.

I know that people want to be in a relationship with somebody who seems to worship them. Somebody who will love everything about you and do everything in their power to stay with you.

It sounds ideal but unfortunately, this is not healthy.

The problem with this type of relationship is that you become dependant on your feelings for the other person and on their feelings for you. You also become so wrapped up in your partner that you lose parts of yourself. I remember several instances where somebody I know put his or her life on hold for the sake of a partner, only to have that relationship end in heartbreak.

V Shape

The lines of the V symbolize each person in the relationship. They began their relationship with an instant connection but have over time lost nearly all if not all of the connections and love they once shared.

Many marriages and long term relationships end because the couples have grown apart. Near the end, it almost feels as if they are just roommates and not a couple, not even friends most of the time.

Typically reasons for a relationship to take this turn includes boredom, life changes and stress.

Becoming bored with your life often leads to boredom in your relationship. Routine days often lead to boredom which can also trigger arguments that will cause more distance. It is important however to include your partner in extracurricular activities as to not end up leading separate lives.

When you and/or your partner are involved in activities that keep you busy outside of work and home, you end up spending less time with each other. One feels they cannot relate to the other. Each person involved in the relationship needs to take an interest in their partners life. His or her passion should be your passion. Living separate lives with seperate passions and interests is a quick way to grow apart.

Stressful events can also have an impact on relationships that causes the couple to grow apart. Individuals have different ways of dealing with stressful situations. Stressful events, and the ways we deal with it can often lead to instances where couples distance themselves from each other, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

H Shape

You can think of H as healthy. The H shape represents each couple as a vertical line equally going on their own paths with a mutual connection. These two people have chosen to be together without clinging or becoming too dependant on the other. This couple is able to support each others individuality without growing apart or growing jealous.

This is the best type of relationship to be in. You understand that you do not need the person you are with and they do not need you but, you both have chosen to be together. I believe that couples in this type of relationship has the most mutual respect and consideration for each other. This is why the H type of relationship is the one that will last and continue to flourish.

Sometimes each individual in a relationship can represent a different shape. One might be and A shape and be very dependant on the affection of their partner while the other is a V shape and quickly loses interest.

You can't lose yourself in somebody else. The right person will love and respect you for who you are and you will feel the same way. You should not feel desperate for love or feel like your partner is desperate for your love. And you shouldn't be with someone who does not understand and appreciate your passions and interests and vice versa.

As always, love and respect yourself above all and never settle for someone who does not respect you or themselves.



My own personal thoughts.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2019 Cristina Cakes


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