- Gender and Relationships
MEN who can't COMMIT!
He runs HOT and COLD like a tap
Are you dating an emotionally unavailable man? If you are, he will make a real effort to win your interest and heart, and once he's convinced you, and made it known he wants an exclusive relationship. It's then you begin to see the full extent of his emotional rollercoaster games to keep in prime position of control. For women who have dated a man like this, they don't always notice the power games initially, as they are so involved, and for some who may have noticed, often turn a blind eye as they want to believe it could be something special. Many women choose to use SELECTIVE hearing, meaning she does NOT listen to the signs most emotionally unavailable men will give. Here are just some to note:
- He MAY say he's NOT ready for a relationship or looking for anything serious
- He's very attentive, says you're soulmates - but then adds THE ABOVE (1)
- Pushes for exclusivity after a few dates, then runs cold or vanishes
- He makes very little contact in between dates ONCE you've become exclusive
- He won't arrange dates, weekends away ahead or CANCELS last minute
FROM the moment you become totally involved or appear you are falling or have fallen for him, it's then your heart and mind will be bounced around like a squash ball on the walls of a squash court. He has to be in control, which is why he will constantly run HOT and COLD.
RED Flags your dating Mr.Unavailable from Dr. Gail Saltz
Does he make you feel you are the only woman in the world
An emotionally unavailable and dysfunctional man or woman acts initially like they want a relationship. Which is WHY many women fall for such a man, as he's a master at convincing you, you're special, he's never felt this way before. He will be so attentive, that even IF he has said ‘‘ He's not ready for a relationship’’ you will IGNORE this, as his actions indicate something else to you. And this is where the confusion starts.
You start to veer from confusion to being convinced he's the one. But along the way you start to see a mixture of PRAISE and then PUT DOWNS. The put downs will be something he thinks will give him power over you, an edge, regardless how small they are. in fact from his point of view, smaller the better, as he can then excuse himself for such tactics. But it will be something that he's picked that will subtly erode your confidence bit by bit, which leaves you questioning IF you are good enough. Which is EXACTLY what he wants.
He is a master of manipulation and control. If he feels he's losing that, he will distance himself from you, so you feel further confused, which of course keeps you on a leash of control.
When I was counselling a few years ago I would meet perfectly confident women on the outside, who were well educated and successful. But then they met an UNAVAILABLE MAN where he blew so hot and keen, they were drawn in. And make no mistake, he is always charming with old fashioned manners, he's intelligent, very much the above average man in every way. He has a very successful career, he's warm, appears to do all the right things at the right time.
FIRST FEW DATES OR UNTIL HE'S SURE YOU ARE HOOKED ON HIM
He'll open doors, sends flowers, emails, calls, texts, says he's never felt like this before. Then when you are truly sucked in by his attention and you decide to take the relationship to the next stage - you decide it's time to cement your bond by making love together. You set the scene, you invite him over to share YOUR personal space, your home as a measure of YOUR commitment to the relationship growing, you pop the champagne, and next morning, you feel as though you're walking on air, the night shared with him was magical and amazing.
Does he love to talk to you, or do you mainly text or email
THE PUSH PULL GAME NOW BEGINS TO KEEP YOU CONFUSED
The PUSH, PULL game really starts now. He now knows he has you, he has achieved what he wanted, by no means do I mean just sex, no, as that would be easy for him find that, if that was all he wanted, but he doesn't as that wouldn't build his ego. By this I mean..he has such an EGO, sex itself is not what makes him feel superior, it's the fact he's actually convinced you that HE is what he has DISPLAYED and SAID he felt, but of course he's not emotionally mature enough to really let a relationship grow. Only for you, you are still in the throws of how he's never felt like this before, to thinking about how he could be the one!
You will start to question if you imagined all he said to you
Or are you dating a man who's words and actions follow - what he says, he shows in actions where trust and consistently reliable behaviour builds and deepens your romantic and emotional intimacy. A keeper will never put you down, only help to secure your confidence further, not because he needs to, just because he loves you in a way that makes you feel good!
Many women will or have dated an emotionally unavailable man, and when you do, it can make you feel it's you, as he's likely to tell you, it's the wrong time, or he's just too busy to concentrate on a relationship right now - well, if a man hasn't the time to include a woman in his life, then he's not ready to date let alone enter a relationship, so he should look for a woman who provides services without commitment.
The question you need to ask yourself whenever you wonder IF he's really really keen, because one minute he blows hot, the next he's running cold, never knowing if he's just going to vanish or show up - when all of sudden he blows hot again, and so the whole roller coaster ride takes off again. The following is a quick quiz to determine if you're dating Mr. Unavailable or potentially a keeper that irresistible Mr.Right
Does he flirt openly in front of you - Does he only arrange dates & times to suit him? Has he ever cancelled last minute?
Before you start to answer the questions below, take a brief look through first, as I'm sure some will stand out and trigger certain thoughts..good or bad!
Now go back to the top and answer each question honestly. For those you can say YES to, give your man two points - this can also serve as a good way of knowing how involved you become with men, who are not giving back what YOU'RE giving and they're taking from you and the relationship.
Lets start: give your man TWO POINTS for each of these 18 important characteristics he shows:
TAKE THE SIMPLE KEEPER OR PLAYER QUIZ
- Really keen to see you
- Reluctant to leave you, always prefers to stay longer if possible, even if it interferes with his own arrangements.
- Wants and needs regular consistent contact, asks for dates with you, makes advance arrangements
- Interested in you and your life, what you've been doing, and if you're ok
- Does not ignore your texts or calls - then makes some dumb excuse
- Is supportive, willing to be helpful whenever he can
- Is verbally and physically affectionate in and out of bed - displays lots of affection
- Does nice things for you, and is frequently sexual and emotionally romantic with you
- Texts, emails AND calls on a regular basis
- Acts and tells you, you're very special; doesn’t try to put you down in any way
- You've been to his home
- He's becoming more attentive and loving and not talking about other women, flirting in front of you with others.
- He's becoming more open with his feelings, thoughts and aspirations with you
- He's becoming more open to sharing his personal living space
- He wants to share his social life, friends and family members with you.
- His words are backed up by action, matching perfectly.
- He says he loves you and shows it
- He talks about a future, at least ahead by six months
You should of course feel like this after doing the quiz
Ultimately only you know how someone makes YOU feel!
If your man score only 14 or less( 7 YES's) it probably indicates that he is ' just not that keen' or he's playing the time is not right game. If he gets 16- 24 points he may have possibilities. 24-34 he's DEFINITELY worth exploring further with. Full score of 36 HANG ON TO HIM - WOW he's on his way to being Mr.Perfect!
These are the things that can never be determined if you jump straight in physically straight away, so before you get involved look for more of the sharing/giving qualities that are NEEDED in a good partner - without becoming physical too soon it allows YOU to make a better judgement. If the man has a low score, you don't have to stop seeing him straight away, but just be aware how to protect yourself from the emotionally unavailable man' IF you think he might be, or acts out in a disrespectful, DON'T become exclusive with him, and certainly NOT physical. MEET other men, and don't offer an exclusive relationship to a man who does not treat you with respect and care.
Please do not have sex with any of the men (kissing is OK!) unless, you intend having an exclusive relationship and they have shown they are emotionally mature enough to treat YOU as you deserve. have fallen for one the men - Physical intimacy too soon, clouds the issue, and can be confusing emotionally, and the whole point is for you to choose wisely.
Ultimately: if you want to be treated well, to have a well balanced relationship of care and consideration, equal respect, look for a man who is ' emotionally mature' one who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better and better, not a man who does nothing more than take you on a brief roller coaster ride of highs and lows..and leaves you emotionally exhausted and confused..even an exciting roller coaster ride has to end at some point!
You should find yourself continually pleased at how thoughtful he is, how he tries to fulfill your needs, to feel needed, cared for, romanced and appreciated for the desirable woman you are. This is by no means a one way street - the last paragraph is merely guidance as to what YOU should look for, of course YOU should already be able and willing to do the same for a partner!