- Gender and Relationships
Does KISSING a lot of frogs ensure you'll find your prince?
Be selective you'll FIND that someone special sooner!
Of course it goes without saying that due to numbers and the law of averages that if you kiss a lot of people, then at some point ONE might turn out to be the person you fall for. But numbers are NOT pre-requisite to finding LOVE. On line dating and dating services all encourage lots of dating with the opposite sex, but just suppose you done all that. You've spent years going from date to date, you have fun doing so, and still you're no nearer to finding that one person you want to commit to. So if we take look at most people's dating history, nearly all will have experienced more brief relationships than relationships that became long term.
So I decided to research this and ask people how they choose their date, 99% answer LOOKS, well initially. But if you've passed the 2-3 dates a week stage and now want to focus on your personal life, then you need to look at your selection process. The more selective your approach the sooner you are likely to FIND LOVE.
In 2002 I created a specialised niche service built around this research and of the options open to people for finding a mate. I discovered many people felt quantity was not necessarily quality, or what they wanted, but it was offered to them as standard practice.
During my research most people who had used an introduction agency had been introduced to people with very little in the way of similarity to them, apart from they were both single and a member of the same agency. The biggest complaints I came across, were, those who had been introduced to; either came from a totally different background and for that reason nothing in common from the aspect of common family values, childhood experiences from education to annual holidays. Or being introduced to people who had young children when their remit was no young children, especially if a female was only 34-38 who wanted her own family.
The successful selective female looking for marriage & a family
FREE dates for men creates the CANDY SHOP Syndrome!
To completely different religions, smokers if a non-smoker, to 40 year old women being sent introductions with 60 -65 year old men, when clearly the women were seeking marriage with a man of similar age or to a max of 50. There were a lot more reasons, but these are just examples of what can become deal breakers for building a long term relationship. Which is the very reason I decided not to use a data-base system, because once you open up a data-base, you have to fill it with numbers to make it work, you cannot make stipulations, well you can, but if you do, you end up with a membership service that has only half a dozen men in it, and all women clients. Another common complaint by women, especially at single events, single dinner parties, that most of the table are women, and the men who do attend are either much, much older than the women or there is only 2-3 men making the whole point of joining a service to potentially meet a partner futile. The fact is single mixers are great, IF you want to mix and mingle, but just like being in any bar, the men who attend are going to veer towards the youngest women first, regardless if they are 50 or so. My biggest issue with such practices are 'imbalance' as a lot of single mixers, events if booked by more females, which is usually the case, the agency or service then opens up complimentary or free attendance for MEN. On the surface you might be wondering, what is the problem with that, you want to meet men who are single in the hope to form a relationship which may end in marriage.
Like a kid in a candy shop!
SIMPLY because you end up with men who treat the whole situation like a 'Sweet Shop' this is not a critique of men, far from, as you have to understand FIRST how MEN and WOMEN are naturally pre-disposed towards commitment and the fact men are more likely to look for numbers, sexual partners. Ladies please, this is not a competition or equality issue, it's about understanding how the sexes function. And 99% of men will jump at the opportunity of being in a room with available women EVEN if they are NOT looking for a long term relationship, let alone marriage.
Is he looking for FUN and casual hook-ups or Commitment?
DATING IN NUMBERS
People are not really hooked on numbers as it’s anticipated, it’s become like that, as services find it easier to be obligated to a GOAL of pre-set numbers, opposed to guaranteeing certain elements of a clients partner match, as its more challenging to do so. If all a service guarantees is a number and towards the end of a service period the client/member has not reached the guaranteed number, all the service has to do is pull in someone single in a similar location, regardless of the relationship they seek, or any relationship at all, and set up a meeting, their obligations are fulfilled.
Agencies in London and UK wide use on occasions what is known as a 'Walker’ who are usually male, who have been given free membership or complimentary dates, who are there purely for the agency to call upon IF they need some extra introductions/dates for a client. Clients of course are not aware of this. And this is one of MY major complaints against the industry, it gives it really bad press, and quite rightly so. BELOW IS A PRIME EXAMPLE:
IF MEN are offered FREE dates because they find theselves alone
“ MEN if you are reading this side of the column, take a moment to read what we have to say. It May shorten your search, and the good news is there is no fee involved. We are simply head-hunting for intelligent, normal, educated men for whatever reason who find themselves alone in and around London. So if you're in your 50's, 60's and consider yourself to be a nice intelligent person, please come and meet us, we might even offer you a cup of tea! Our female clients are based in and around London and are just nice people who find themselves alone and interested in a wide range of activities. “
“ Are you a single guy in London? Perhaps you have a single friend you would love to match up? Message me for more info on our complimentary membership for men “
Now IF this was a dating service at the lower level you could say, well what does one expect, but a service with fees in the range of 10K, it should not be an approach that is acceptable. NOR is it HEADHUNTING - this is a generic agency advertising to entice men to MEET several female clients WITHOUT any specifics in the ad. Nowhere is the word relationship, or looking for a life partner used anywhere, which would then suggest some selection process on behalf of the service was being exercised. Therefore they must be making money from their female clients NOT men ( introductions) they are producing for those clients. This cannot be overlooked. This is not the way to provide introductions for your clients, and if you do, then female clients should be made aware of this on joining. But of course many agencies who use this method of obtaining men for their data-bases would never do that as they would put most female clients off from joining..
This is a two tier system, which I'm against, as it attracts the wrong men. Men will, if given free range to meet several women not take it seriously, and have a tendency to accept free membership so they can meet lots of women, where the intention is not very different to internet dating or casual hook ups a female can easily find without using an agency. It is so EASY to find dates, but it's finding people who have reached the same emotional and romantic page - where you have a similar background where core values are formed early on, and aspirations for the future, that is not so easy. I was interviewed by the TIMES MAGAZINE on the subject of MODERN MATCHMAKING and how I criticize the practice of creating two-tier systems which most services now operate. Printed in the TIMES Saturday 9th March 2013.
Offering men FREE DATES don't make him want commitment
Would you object paying a service to find you a potential husband or wife who offered FREE dates to people to meet you?
When you're GOOD at something, there's NO need to SHOUT !
The other warning I feel important to mention, the introduction agencies that say they are the BEST, worlds best matchmaker, the best agency in London, New York or wherever it may be. As with anything IF you are GOOD at what you do you have no need to tell people you are the best - No more than a confident, successful man or woman has to TELL potential suitors how affluent or successful they are. A SERVICE'S approach, literature copy should speak for itself. Clients should be able to make this decision for themselves.
This is merely sales talk. Websites covered in magazine covers, awards, rosettes, or photos of clients..This in itself tells you; the service is not as exclusive as they want to portray. There is a difference between a few discreet referrals to photos being displayed in a way that is NOT too dissimilar to online/internet dating, which frequently use these less than subtle approaches..
If a service is really EXCLUSIVE and has clients from a background, profession, such as diplomats to people from exceptionally high profile family backgrounds, they would NOT be displaying such detail on their company websites, as people who are really high-profile would NOT engage a service where it's website resembled an online dating service. High calibre clients will not want their photos displayed to the world at large, they will not want photos or a success story included in any magazine as this could compromise their position, professional profile or bring attention to their family background. You only see magazine articles with client photos where the service is mid-range as journalists have to have names/photos to make stories more appealing to the general public.
LASTLY IDate an internet dating conference company
I've been looking into this over the last few months, researching services that announce they won certain awards, and it seems most of these in the UK and globally are attached to iDate..and for those they do not know, iDate is an online and internet dating company with the emphasis on the online side of dating services. This not an arena that a professional off-line, introduction agency, service, matchmaker would want to sell to it's clients as being a reason to engage them. If they operate an ONLINE dating service then YES..I'm sure having an iDate rosette may mean something to potential daters. But to the more sophisticated professional who would not use internet dating an iDate award could be worrying when you're selling yourself as an exclusive matchmaking introduction agency..
Just be sure before you decide which route you want to take, consider what is more important to you, quantity or quality, as you simply cannot have exceptional men and women around every corner, and the MORE selective with specific criteria the fewer the people, it's simple logic!
TRUE LOVE is the most precious asset you will ever possess
As DH Lawrence so eloquently put it
" The world is supposed to be full of possibilities, perhaps, but they narrow down to pretty few in most personal experience. Theres lots of good fish in the sea, maybe, but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring and if you're not mackerel or herring yourself you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea .. DH LAWRENCE"