- Gender and Relationships
Have you kissed a lot of frogs and still find yourself single?
Be selective you'll FIND that someone special sooner!
Of course it goes without saying that due to numbers and the law of averages that if you kiss a lot of people, then at some point ONE might turn out to be the person you fall for. But numbers are NOT a pre-requisite to finding LOVE. Internet dating and dating services all encourage dating lots of the opposite sex, but just suppose you've done all that in your teens and twenties, and now in your 30's you really want to leave that behind and begin a relationship that has substance. Many of us spend years going from date to date and still end up no nearer to finding that one person they want to commit to. So if we take look at most people's dating history, nearly all will have experienced more brief relationships than relationships that became long term.
So I decided to research this and ask people how they choose their date, almost 99% answer LOOKS, well initially. No surprise there as sexual chemistry is a key part of falling in love, but, if you've passed the 2-3 dates a week stage and now want to focus on people more like yourself who want commitment, then you need to look at your selection process. The more selective your approach the sooner you are likely to FIND LOVE.
In 2002 I created a specialized niche service built around this research and the options open to people for finding a mate. I discovered many people felt quantity was not necessarily quality, or what they wanted, but it was offered to them as standard practice.
During my research most people who had used an introduction agency had been introduced to people with very little in the way of similarity to them, apart from they were both single and a member of the same agency. The biggest complaints I came across, were, those who had been introduced to; either came from a totally different background and for that reason nothing in common from the aspect of common family values, childhood experiences from education to the type of annual holidays. Or being introduced to people who had young children when their remit was no young children, especially if a female was only 34-38 who wanted her own family.
The successful selective female looking for marriage & a family
FREE dates for men creates the CANDY SHOP Syndrome!
When I formed my agency I decided not to use a data-base system, because once you open up a data-base, you have to fill it with bodies so to speak to make it work, you cannot make too many stipulations, well you can, but if you do, you end up with a membership service that has only half a dozen men in it, and mostly women clients. Another common complaint by women, especially at single events, that most of the table are women, and the men who do attend are either much, much older than the women or there is only 2-3 men, making the whole point of joining a service to potentially meet a partner futile. The fact is single mixers are great, IF you want to mix and mingle, but just like being in any bar, the men who attend are going to veer towards the youngest women first, regardless if they are 50 or so. My biggest issue with such practices are 'imbalance' as a lot of single mixers, if booked by more females, which is usually the case, the agency then opens up complimentary or free attendance for MEN. On the surface you might be wondering, what is the problem with that, you want to meet men who are single in the hope to form a relationship which may end in marriage.
The candy shop dilemma!
If you give free dates you SIMPLY end up with men who treat the whole situation like online dating (a 'Sweet Shop' ) this is not a critique of men, as you have to understand FIRST, how MEN and WOMEN are naturally pre-disposed towards commitment and the fact men are more likely to look for numbers, sexual partners. Ladies please, this is not a competition or equality issue, it's about understanding how the sexes function. And most men will jump at the opportunity of being in a room with available women EVEN if they are NOT looking for a long term relationship, let alone marriage.
Is he looking for FUN and casual hook-ups or Commitment?
SAFETY IN NUMBERS
People are not really hooked on numbers as anticipated, unless they are still in the zone of casual dating, but those really serious about finding love, prefer to date people who resemble their future relationship goal. FACT: services find it easier to a GOAL of pre-set numbers, opposed to guaranteeing certain elements of a clients partner match, as the latter is more challenging to do. If all a service guarantees is a number and towards the end of a service period the client/member has not reached the guaranteed number, all the service has to do is pull in someone single in a similar location, regardless of the relationship they seek, or any relationship at all, and set up a meeting, their obligations are fulfilled.
Agencies in London use on occasions what is known as a 'Walker’ who are usually male, who have been given free membership or complimentary dates, who are there purely for the agency to call upon IF they need some extra introductions/dates for a client. Clients of course are not aware of this.
IF MEN are offered FREE dates because they find theselves alone
“ MEN if you are reading this side of the column, take a moment to read what we have to say. It May shorten your search, and the good news is there is no fee involved. We are simply head-hunting for intelligent, normal, educated men for whatever reason who find themselves alone in and around London. So if you're in your 50's, 60's and consider yourself to be a nice intelligent person, please come and meet us, we might even offer you a cup of tea! Our female clients are based in and around London and are just nice people who find themselves alone and interested in a wide range of activities. “
“ Are you a single guy in London? Perhaps you have a single friend you would love to match up? Message us for more info on our complimentary membership for men “
Now IF this was a dating service at the lower level you could say, what does one expect, but a service with fees in the range of 10K, should perhaps be more selective on behalf of their paying clients, and certainly NOT talk about being alone in London with various interrests. You would find more in an internet profile. This is not HEADHUNTING - this is a generic agency advertising to entice men to MEET several female clients WITHOUT any specifics in the ad. Relationship, or looking for a life partner are not used anywhere, which would then at least suggest some selection process on behalf of the service.
This is a two tier system, as it attracts the wrong men. Men, if given free range to meet several women will not take it seriously, and have a tendency to accept free membership so they can meet lots of women, where the intention is not very different to internet dating. It is so EASY to find dates, but it's NOT easy finding people who have reached the same emotional and romantic page, where you have a similar background, where core values are formed early on, and aspirations for the future, so if you are looking LOVE the number of dates you kiss will not guarantee you find it, always keep this in mind. I was interviewed by the TIMES MAGAZINE on MODERN MATCHMAKING and how I criticize the practice of creating two-tier systems which most services now operate. Printed in the TIMES Saturday 9th March 2013.
Offering FREE DATES won't make a man want commitment
Would you object paying a service to find you a potential husband or wife who offered FREE dates to people to meet you?
TRUE LOVE is the most precious asset you will ever possess
As DH Lawrence so eloquently put it
" The world is supposed to be full of possibilities, perhaps, but they narrow down to pretty few in most personal experience. Theres lots of good fish in the sea, maybe, but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring and if you're not mackerel or herring yourself you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea .. DH LAWRENCE"