- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
Are You Attracting Men With Endings?
When we attract men with endings, it is because we are afraid of getting our heart emotionally damaged again. Most of us are all guilty of this, however, sometimes we are unaware that we are attracting men like this.
What is a man with an ending?
A man with an ending is someone you know (consciously or unconsciously) has no potential future with you. He does not want to be in a committed relationship or get married, or even be open to the possibility.
Types of men with endings:
- He is in the service and is being deployed, so commitment is not an option for him.
- He is married or in a serious relationship with someone else.
- He is emotionally unavailable due to past relationship failures or is still in love with an Ex.
- He has a demanding job—his "relationship" is his work.
- He purposely fills his life with other people and activities (hobbies, year round sports, activities, etc.) so there no time for a relationship.
When we have experienced emotional heartbreak, let's keep it real, trusting new people can be extremely challenging. Sometimes to keep our heart—and in some cases our sanity protected—we build an internal emotional protective barrier. We start attracting men who only have endings—complaining and blaming them—making ourselves the victims—even if these men were clear in the beginning that there would be no future.
Why do we get trapped in this pattern of attracting men with endings, and how can we change it?
We do this so we do not have to take a deeper look inside ourselves
Patterns are hard to change in ordinary life, usually because we do not recognize we are in one. Habits are especially hard to change when it comes to romance. This type of pattern is no different from a person stating that they are broke and don't know why, yet, they will still go to Starbucks daily and order a grande double espresso mocha latte with soy milk (for over $5). Sometimes something that seems obvious to everyone else is not obvious to the person who is doing it.
Denial can feel like a safe house when we have been hurt.
I can't tell you how many times I have heard my girlfriends complain about not finding the right guy. They express how they want “true, lasting love” but only attract men who don't want a commitment, men who only want sex, or who never take the time to call. Hmm.
When we talked about the types of guys they had dated since their last heart break, each of the men already had an "ending" before I was told why they felt the relationship didn't last. Although the situations were obvious (to me) right from the start, they were not to each of my friends who were involved.
Here are some reasons my girlfriends gave why the relationship (they thought) did not last, or move to the next level:
1. "I tried dating my best friend—but he was so busy dating other people it never worked out."
2. "He was living with his ex-girlfriend, but told me it was only because her moving out was financially inconvenient—and then I found out that they still share the same bed."
3. "I would never hear from him unless I called first."
4. "He would never take me on dates."
5. "He would not hold my hand or show any affection in public and when we would bump into his friends or coworkers he wouldn't introduce me."
6. "He said he was separated from his wife, however I never knew where he lived—he would only come to my place."
7. "He was going through a divorce that never ended up happening."
8. "At first I caught him in little lies, but then the lies got progressively bigger."
9. “He would avoid meeting my friends and family.”
10. "After having a kid he got a vasectomy, but told me he would ‘possible’ have another kid—almost a year into the relationship, he said he would never reverse it, nor wanted more kids."
All these situations involved men that my friends had no possibility of a future with, yet they could not recognize this fact. These men were not emotionally ready or interested, and their actions definitely showed it.
The energy we release creates what we ultimately want or get.
So often we forget that if we are not fully emotionally ready to be in a relationship—meaning, we have given ourselves adequate time to heal AND have worked on emotionally, spiritually, mentally and perhaps physically rebuilding ourselves—we will continue to attract emotionally unavailable men, aka; men with endings.
Rebuilding ourselves means finding what makes us happy—to the core, truly happy. Don't get this twisted, happiness does not rely on a man, it relays on you. Doing things for yourself that makes you happy, spending time by yourself, spending time with your friends, working out, eating healthy, hobbies, etc.—basically resetting your internal happiness meter.
Resetting our happiness meter usually includes therapy, church or spiritual sanctuary, self-help books and podcasts, yoga or spiritual retreats and surrounding yourself with strong women who know how to be successfully happily single.
Ladies, if we are not ready for a relationship, our energy will attract men who are also not ready—men with endings. If we want to attract a man who is ready for a healthy relationship that does not have a defined ending, take the time to properly heal yourself after a breakup, versus jumping into relationships after relationships that have no chance of working.
Bottom-line, when you love yourself, you will attract a man who will also love and want to be with you. You will attract a man with the possibility of a happy future, not just one with another sad ending.