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Are You Giving Your Ex All The Power?

Updated on November 9, 2015
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

Where you live can feel like a small place, especially when you bump into an ex-boyfriend...

When you have dated a lot you are bound to see an ex—or several—at some point when you are out and about. Bumping into an ex can feel odd if there is unresolved "stuff" between you. This stuff isn't necessarily feelings of wanting to get back together, many times it pertains to how negative things ended the last time you spoke or saw each other—which never got discussed or resolved.

Since most relationships aren't known to end on a happy heel-clicking note, seeing an ex for the first time can feel not only off-putting but also unfinished, especially if there was no defined closure.

Here's the thing about closure, you need to be able to accept that you just might not get any. And even if you seek it out, it might not be the closure you were hoping for. Sometimes you have to find internal closure—learn the lesson(s) you were meant to learn, forgive and move on. Understanding in the end that your ex truly wasn't the right guy for you—and that my friend is all that matters because the right guy will come—as long as you truly believe. Sounds fairly simple, however for most women it is not.

As women we like to communicate and discuss things to get what we are feeling off our chests—regardless if we truly think a guy is fully listening (or not) or even cares. It's important for most women to be able to express what they are feeling in order to emotionally move on. If there is an issue—being able to talk about it with the person we are upset with is important. For some women, when they can't talk things out...is when (what men would call) "cray-cray" arises—giving away their power on a silver platter.

Let's be clear, displaying craziness isn't necessarily a woman's fault. Since there are many, many, many men who have a hard time communicating what they are feeling, expressing when their feelings start to change or even denying that there is an issue—when there is an obvious change in his behavior....yes, this can naturally make any woman feel off her rocker and unbeknownst to her—releasing her power.

What is your power? Being able to let go of any hurt, anger or emotional stress that your ex has caused you—hanging on to this stuff only effects your life, not his. It's also the ability to be able to hold your head high and graciously—with maturity and class when you bump into your ex—versus becoming overly emotional: telling him off in a public venue, crying, getting sloppily drunk or displaying obnoxious behavior. I'm not saying that issues can't be discussed in public, however there must be an appropriate time and place.

Holding your composure can be hard when an ex can't do the same...

Throughout my life I have had the pleasure (and sometimes not so pleasure) of bumping into several exes—most I am cool with, however there are a few men where things ended on an awkward note due to their inability to handle situations maturely. The biggest way for me to lose respect for a guy is when he plays emotional games, lacks basic communication and the overall the ability to be mature and respectful.

Not that long ago I was at an event with my friends when I bumped into my ex-boyfriend. Here's the thing, I do believe that you can be friends with some exes, however you both need to be emotionally ready—which takes time for some—and longer for others. This particular ex has emotions that are very unpredictable, so trying to be friends is difficult—which I later found out. Our last encounter wasn't on a high note so maintaining a friendship with him was the last thing on my mind.

The last time we spoke—over eight months ago—things ended on a negative note. No this was not the official break-up—that happened years ago—so long ago that my memory fades at times that we ever even dated—that's how little this guy has been on my mind on a romantic level. Months ago we tried the "friend" route and worked on an important project together for his business. But, because of his inability to handle things professionally, I had to walk away from the situation—which also ended up completely reminding me of why we broke up in the first place—his quick temper. Yikes!

The venue we were at was very crowded and I didn't notice my ex until I was walking by and he turned around with excitement in his voice to say "hi" to me. Honestly, I had no idea why he seemed happy to see me since our last encounter, like I mentioned, had ended badly. To be polite, I said "hello" and graciously walked away. Later in the evening—about fifteen minutes—his excitement all made sense....

I heard months ago from mutual friends that he was seeing someone and a few people thought that she might be his new girlfriend. Good for him. Seriously...I am happy for anyone who finds love because everyone does deserve it—even if they weren't the best match for me. One woman's trash can be another woman's treasure—not that I'm calling him trash, but you get the point. The fact that my ex could find someone (and still be with her)—who is able to handle his roller-coaster emotions is impressive. My ex was obviously not aware that I knew that he was in a relationship (by the way he acted), as well as the fact that I also didn't care.

Since I gave him little acknowledgement, he then made a Huge effort to overly display his new significant other in front of me. He and this new woman made a point to get closer to where I was standing—minding my own business and talking to my friends—to invade my space with their repetitive make-out sessions. Really?! Are we in seventh grade?

I could tell you that it amazed me how immaturely he handled seeing me, but that would be far from the truth since that was not the first time he couldn't handle things appropriately.

This obnoxious display became amusing—at first—but then after a while, became annoying. I get it already, you have a girlfriend....congratulations. I wasn't sure if he was wanting me to buy them a congratulatory drink, shake their hands, give them a medal or what exactly?

The overly needing to fondle and kiss each other in my presence wasn't the most annoying thing my ex did. What was truly eye-rolling to me was the need to be in my space—when I moved they got closer—when I turned my back—his significant other walked by me, turned around and gave me the up and down stare...OK? Also, I wasn't understanding their need to fixate on me versus using that energy to genuinely enjoy their night together.

Sometimes you need to rise above the drama and take the power back...

After over an hour of this silliness I decided to remove myself from the situation and leave the event. At the end of the day someone needed to take the mature route and it wasn't going to be my ex or his new significant other. Why continue to subject myself to a situation that was clearly immature? Walking away from a negative situation gives you the control and makes you stronger—and that's why I left.

Ladies, every experience you go through you have the choice to keep your power in the way you handle things or give it away. Walking away from a negative situation doesn't make you weak, in fact, it makes you even stronger. It takes a strong person to admit when they are wrong and an even stronger person to leave an unhealthy experience. So if something similar happens to you, just remember to have the respect for yourself to leave the situation and be self-protective. Never give your power away to someone undeserving.

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 18 months ago

      Anyone who requires "closure" in order to "move on" is giving their power over to their ex! There is very little one's ex can say or do that will make them feel any better about having their heart broken.

      Anger is the Mask that Hurt wears.

      If it's really important to get things off one's chest sometimes it's effective to say all those things to a picture of them and then set it afire.

      Needing or wanting to get in touch with an ex before moving on holds people back. Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you!

      Every ending is a new beginning!

      One man's opinion!:)

    • profile image

      MaryRB 18 months ago

      Excellent insights. Sometimes there is no closure with the other person as we would like. Sometimes we have to create our own closure within ourselves--no matter what happens with the other person. And forgiving and moving on sets us free. This does not mean having a relationship with the other person, it means you will no longer give energy to a situation by continuing to carry resentment. Holding resentment against another keeps that person and situation attached to us.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 18 months ago

      MaryRB, You are absolutely correct!

      In order to "move on" one has to "let go".

      That's the individual's choice and shouldn't left up to their ex.

      As you stated you don't have to maintain a relationship with them. You just decide not to dwell on it anymore.

      The opposite of love is not hate. It's "indifference".

      As long as someone hates or cares about a past relationship it means they are still "emotionally invested". That's the opposite of being free!

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