- Gender and Relationships»
- Dating & Online Dating
Improve Your Love Life in Five Steps
The FIRST step is to understand that dating is purely random generally, and is built upon physical attraction initially and the elements required to give yourself a more than reasonable chance of finding LOVE is not the same as DATING. May be you're dating someone now, or looking for a relationship, but are you relationship ready?...is the person you're dating relationship ready?
Meeting different people online or randomly gives you no guarantees you both want the same things, share the same values, or whether either of you have hidden deal breakers to prevent you from forming a long term relationship, unfortunately physical attraction bares no resemblance to being good relationship material or whether the person is looking for anything more than a casual dating experience. Most people between 18-28 are less commitment/marriage driven when dating. This is absolutely normal, it's the time when we are flexing our dating and relationship skills, growing as individuals and enjoying our physical affect on the opposite sex.
So the FIRST STEP is understanding dating is not always a pre-cursor to a relationship and if you want a serious relationship you need to take a different approach.
Enjoy dating, have fun, but IF you want a serious relationship approach it differently and you'll get there much quicker!
Ensure you meet and get to know people and how they drop their guard after the first flush of excitement - this is when you will learn most about what works for you, how compatible someone is with you and your "core values" those things we've been brought up to believe and respect from the year dot that provide us with the right standards, morals, emotional empathy, compassion making us always more likely to follow a certain pattern in life. Those are WHAT cement a couple together LONG TERM, short term it doesn't matter, as your core values will never be tested. People often think it's interests and hobbies that define a relationship, but these are transient throughout life, and we all change slightly every 5-10 years, hobbies and interests come and go, but core values don't.
Between 26-28 is the most desirable and eligible age for a woman, the age that most men look for whether he's 28 or 38. And by 35 women will only have a thirty-five percent chance of achieving marriage and a family. Sadly these figures are not improving due to the constant seeking out of instant and quick lived hook-ups.
So for those of you who think it's okay to drift from one relationship to another, because you have time, think again. If you see yourself committing to someone seriously, and believe in that, you need to know when to STOP going from date to date.
With modern technology almost everyone will have tried internet dating at some point to find a date, but one: do you really believe ALL those you communicate with are there because they want a serious relationship? And with females under 32 being lulled into a false sense of security with an ever growing list of men to browse through, is it any wonder females get a distorted view of what's around the corner.
Internet dating and apps rarely give YOU the full picture of someone, so if you are using an app or the internet and you think this the way to finding a loving, committed relationship, then ensure you DATE WISELY.
Don't waste your time on people who show no real interest in your long term goal, or vanish if you approach the subject that you're looking for a serious relationship. This is exactly why I say dating is different to looking for a relationship - as nearly everyone you meet via an app or online is UNLIKELY there to find the love of their life. It's just not why these apps were created - they are mostly for the casual hook-up, and you have to recognize that and not get caught up with what everyone else is doing, and concentrate on want YOU want.
There are all kinds of reasons men especially are on these apps, and this is NOT being critical of men or sexist, it just a biological programming fact, where 21st century apps that encourage fleeting experiences have merely permitted more men AND women to have casual affairs. So just keep this in mind and aim for what you want achieve, seek out men or women who think like you do about relationships, seek out those who also don't want brief sexual intimacy, and you can only do this by being aware and asking questions, and not getting physically involved until you know the person is about. Try to avoid the dates for recreational sex and dinner otherwise you will be on a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs.
As a relationship expert I'm seeing this more and more with the thirty-something female who sets herself up on dates sometimes not really knowing what she wants from dating - who then finds herself really involved and falling for someone when she has no idea what relationship he wants. Then the "QUESTIONS " start to fill her mind, when she should approach asking him, and how to approach the subject of " where is all this leading to"
There is also the female who knows she wants marriage or a serious relationship but takes NO action to ensure she DATES the right guys - so not only does she go on blind dates, but she also approaches her LOVE life with what can only be described as an emotional walk in the dark..
DO you wait for his call, do you know that he's serious
CHEMISTRY, hugely important, and even more important if you're intending on finding a life partner, however, try not to be goverened by this totally. When chemistry is running high, where you cant wait to rip each others clothes off..WAIT, what do you know about this person and their relationship style, and many other factors that long term could seriously effect the outcome.
Are YOU his fifth date of the month, if you met him/her online, are they still online, does this matter, NO, if all you want is to date without any goal attached. It's when a women JUMPS into getting involved hoping the person may be the one that clouds the issue of whether YOU or HE are RELATIONSHIP READY..sex does not determine that.
DATING and RELATIONSHIPS seem to be the only area of our life where people send mixed messages, don't do their homework, fail to ASK the right questions or any questions at all, or do anything that may lead them to the relationship they desire. ASK QUESTIONS before you get involved.
Do you know if you are on the same trajectory path?
STEP FIVE -TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR DATING LIFE
Whether we meet someone through the traditional route, bumping into them, an app or internet dating , connections are mostly based upon the physical, where we know nothing about what our date is really seeking. TALKING six months later is of no help to you if you're now involved and the person you're with is starting to act flaky.
This leaves you now in a very insecure position, you're now involved and that makes it so much harder to WALK away from someone. Human beings are renowned for believing someone will change, they can change the person's outlook, NO this is wasted emotional energy which can be prevented.
"TALKING" once already in a relationship, rarely runs smoothly or create the desired effect. You cannot walk into a relationship without FIRST knowing what the other persons designs are for a relationship. People have many different views on what a relationship is, especially men. It is down to the woman, if she is the one seeking a serious relationship to ensure she only gets involved with emotionally mature and relationship ready men.
Women NEED to ask their date, where do you see yourself in two years relationship wise, are you looking for a partner for marriage or are you just dating to see how it goes. THIS IS SENSIBLE, not heavy, it's only heavy and out of place to those who have NO SERIOUS INTENT, to men who are ready for commitment embrace it as they know the woman is open and upfront about wanting a relationship instead of playing often juvenile dating games.
LASTLY; LET ME ASK YOU: would you go into a new job without first reading the job description, asking relevant questions, finding out the pros' and cons, which ultimately helps you decide whether to accept or look for another job. Would you purchase a property by just viewing the outside without knowing it's history, state of foundations, NO of course you wouldn't. So why do people date the opposite sex without taking the same time and care to date those who have the same relationship goal..
HAVE COURAGE ASK QUESTIONS
Be decisive, ASK QUESTIONS and take control of your personal life!
Fewer questions you ask, the more dates you will need to go on, hence the old saying " you have to kiss a lot of frogs before your prince comes along" that is because people don't ask, they're scared of asking questions, afraid to put men off, well, IF you put off a man by knowing what you want, by acting intelligently and taking control of YOUR life so you don't end up dating men multiple dating, then so be it, you are better off!
This will actually increase your opportunities of finding the right man as you're not wasting several months on each man to find out what you have in two dates. Only you can decide if a serious relationship is what you want, and if you do, please don't let anyone waste your time, your time is precious.
FACTS TO CONSIDER
- MORE singles end up with a succession of FLEETING dating partners year after year than ever end up in a LONG TERM relationship or MARRIAGE. Simply because NO ONE ever considers before becoming INVOLVED if the person has the same vision for a relationship.
- EVERYONE dates all over the world every single day but only a very, very small proportion go on to form long term relationships, dating generally does not lead to the fairy tale ending.
- DATING has less emphasis on two peoples trajectory path or similar background, education, financial stability and relationship objective.
- DATING can mean anything from casual, recreational, networking, building a new social circle, casual sex, or a tool for those just out of a relationship to build their confidence by going from date to date.
- Never date anyone who's not long been divorced - Everyone needs to have few fleeting dating experiences and at least ONE long relationship before they will be ready to commit again.
- DATING does NOT mean the person YOU like wants a relationship with you or anyone, so if YOU really have passed the going from date to date then you need to LOOK at who you're investing your time in.
- NOT everyone joining a dating agency either are looking for marriage or a LTR. as many agencies offer FREE dates to men, making it not dissimilar to internet dating. Take control and find the relationship you desire and deserve!