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15 minutes to IMPROVE your LOVE life

Updated on February 27, 2014

The ELEMENTS for DATING are NOT the same as the ELEMENTS required to have a serious relationship. So may be you're dating someone now, or looking for a relationship, but are you relationship ready...is the person you're dating relationship ready?

Going out and having fun meeting different people whether it be a day out kayaking or going out for dinner,a film, the theatre, or just a fun flirtatious time, it doesn't matter IF you're not ready for a FULL on serious relationship, providing NEITHER of you are looking for anything serious. But this is not usually how it works. Most people between 18-28 are less commitment/marriage driven when dating. This is absolutely normal, it's the time when we are flexing our dating and relationship skills, growing as individuals and enjoying our physical affect on the opposite sex. Meeting lots of new and interesting people through university or just socially as we travel through life.

Enjoy dating, have fun, but IF you want a serious relationship approach it differently and you'll get there much quicker!

Our twenties is an exciting time of discovery

When we are more likely than any other time in life to be focused on building a career, getting financially stable, perhaps travelling the world or buying our first home. So having a serious relationship with the intent of marriage is NOT as important as it will probably become as you move through your late twenties and early thirties.

Between 26-28 is the most desirable and eligible age for a woman, the age that most men look for whether he's 28 or 38. And by 35 women will only have a thirty-five percent chance of achieving marriage and a family.

So for those of you who think it's okay to drift from one relationship to another, because you have time, think again. If you see yourself committing to someone seriously, and believe in that, you need to know when to STOP going from date to date. Many females indulge in a whirlwind of passion with the buff Personal trainer at the gym or the handsome Hedge fund director, but TIME is of essence if you really want the white picket fence, husband and kids.

With modern technology almost everyone will have tried internet dating at some point to find a date, but one: do you really believe ALL those you communicate with are there because they want a serious relationship? And with females under 32 being lulled into a false sense of security with an ever growing list of men to browse through, and messages pouring into their mailbox, is it any wonder females get a distorted view of what's around the corner. FEMALES in this age bracket still have the choice of MANY. Even if 98% are not your IDEAL blueprint, you can still attract thirty or forty messages, winks into your mailbox. But how many really live up to their profile, how many would YOU really consider a long-term prospect?

Of course we all know the friends of friends set-ups, as our longest and dearest friends know us best..but do they really? Do they just pluck some "single body" from a friend of a friend and set you up on date. They set you up with the best of intentions without doubt. But you meet your "Set Up Date" and know within minutes they are not someone you want to see a second time, let alone explore a relationship and become physical with. Then you face an aftermath of questions from your well meaning friends to go into deep analysis of their matchmaking skills to help you towards the wedding of the year. Only to end up explaining; whilst your date was charming there was as much chance of a match made in heaven as you hooking up with Bradley Cooper or George Clooney!

WHAT IS YOUR CRITERIA FOR DATING SOMEONE?

Alas real life starts to take affect and the long queue of admiring suitors stretching beyond the horizon has begun to dwindle; and you ask yourself, where have the years gone, where are the men you fought off through youthful mischievous naivety for the purpose of concentrating on a degree or career. Well, as you know MOST have married their university girlfriends or childhood sweethearts in their mid to late twenties, so your single circle of friends is becoming smaller and smaller, and you're facing your early to mid thirties meeting and dating men who either are just not that into you, or demonstrate some emotional roadblock, or have no real relationship goal where a few dates for recreational sex and dinner are the TOP priority.

As a relationship expert I'm seeing this more and more with the thirty-something female who sets herself up on dates sometimes not really knowing what she wants from dating - who then finds herself really involved and falling for someone when she has no idea what relationship he wants. Then the "TALK" starts to fill her mind, when she should approach him, and how to approach the subject of " where is all this leading to"

There is also the female who knows she wants marriage or a serious relationship but takes NO action to ensure she DATES the right guys - so not only does she go on blind dates, but she also approaches her LOVE life with what can only be described as an emotional walk in the dark..

We all know the chemistry running high scenario, where you cant wait to rip each others clothes off..WAIT, what do you know about his relationship style, are YOU his fifth date of the month, are you just another female who's fallen for his charms. Does it matter, NOT if that is all you want. It's when women JUMP into getting involved hoping THIS MAY BE THE ONE that clouds the issue of whether YOU or HE are RELATIONSHIP READY.

DATING and RELATIONSHIPS seem to be the only area of our life where people send mixed messages, don't do their homework, fail to ASK the right questions or any questions at all, or do anything that may lead them to the relationship they desire.

Before you step out from between the sheets and wonder if this was just another date that will lead to nothing...ASK YOURSELF..what did you DO or ASK before you fell for the heady intoxication of physical attraction. If you don't ask questions before getting emotionally and physically involved you set yourself up for a constant rollercoaster of failed dates which may take you from anything between a few weeks or months to determine "THIS IS NOT THE ONE" Fine if you're 20, 25 but over 30 it's ONLY your own time you're wasting not the person's you're dating.

DO you wait for his call, do you know that he's serious

DATING provides no indication you're on the same romantic path

DATING is predominantly for teens and those still in the midst of non-committal relationships. Dating is often seen as a fun recreational pastime. Dating certainly does not mean you are BOTH on the same trajectory path towards a life long relationship. Dating is seen as being less serious than courting. YES I know, what an OLD FASHIONED and OUTDATED term to use in the 21st century, but before we get into how we've moved on from the 1950's where that would be a familiar term to mean two people were on EXACTLY the same path, with exactly the same intent towards walking down the aisle, is exactly the reason WHY the word DATING can mean anything. It is not a term that describes just ONE intent, it means many, as a lot of people find out to their detriment.

Do you know if you are on the same trajectory path?

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR DATING LIFE LIKE YOUR CAREER

Whether we meet someone through the traditional route, bumping into them, although this drastically diminishes after our thirties or we meet through internet dating, our connections are mostly based upon the physical, where we know nothing about what our date is really seeking or whether they're READY for relationship. It's only when the "TALK" comes up may be some 6 months later you realize you have very little in common in the way of aspirations, core values and NOT even the same relationship goal. And anyone who has to have the "TALK" once already in a relationship, rarely does it run smoothly or create the desired effect. You cannot walk into a relationship without FIRST knowing what the other persons designs are for a relationship. People have many different views on what a relationship is, especially men. It is down to the woman, if she is the one seeking a serious relationship to ensure she only gets involved with emotionally mature and relationship ready men.

Women NEED to ask their date, where do you see yourself in two or three years relationship wise, are you looking for a partner for marriage or are you just dating for fun. THIS IS SENSIBLE, not heavy, it's only heavy and out of place to those who have NO SERIOUS INTENT, to men who like you are ready for commitment they embrace it.

LET ME ASK YOU: would you go into a new job without first reading the job description, asking relevant questions, finding out the pros' and cons, which ultimately helps you decide whether to accept or look for another job. Would you purchase a property by just viewing the outside without knowing it's history, state of foundations, NO of course you wouldn't. So why do people date the opposite sex without taking the same time and care to date those who have the same trajectory path.

HAVE COURAGE ASK QUESTIONS

Be your own woman and matchmaker, go after what you want!

Keep in mind: LESS questions you ask, the more dates you will need to go on, hence the old saying " you have to kiss a lot of frogs before your prince comes along" that is because people don't ask, they're scared of asking questions, afraid to put men off, well IF you put off a man by knowing what you want, by acting intelligently and taking control of YOUR life, then so be it, he was NOT emotionally mature enough anyway.

Neither is he on the same path as you, so instead of this being a missed opportunity for you, it has actually increased your opportunities of finding the right man as you're not wasting several months on each man to find out what you have in two dates. Only you can decide if a serious relationship is what you want, and if you do, please don't let anyone waste your time, your time is precious as you don't have the same biological time frame as a man..

Some FACTS to consider!

  1. MORE singles end up with a succession of FLEETING dating partners year after year than ever end up in a LONG TERM relationship or MARRIAGE. Simply because NO ONE ever considers before becoming INVOLVED if the person has the same vision for a relationship.
  2. EVERYONE dates all over the world every single day but only a very, very small proportion go on to form long term relationships, dating generally does not lead to the fairy tale ending.
  3. DATING has less emphasis on two peoples trajectory path or similar background, education, financial stability and relationship objective.
  4. DATING can mean anything from casual, recreational, networking, building a new social circle, casual sex, or a tool for those just out of a relationship to build their confidence by going from date to date.
  5. Never date anyone who's not long been divorced - Everyone needs to have few fleeting dating experiences and at least ONE long relationship before they will be ready to commit again.
  6. DATING does NOT mean the person YOU like wants a relationship with you or anyone, so if YOU really have passed the going from date to date then you need to LOOK at who you're investing your time in.
  7. NOT everyone joining a dating service or internet dating is looking for marriage or a LTR. Especially with internet dating being so incredibly cheap and with free sign-ups.
  8. Some off line services offer free dates too to entice people to meet their clients, which just makes the whole situation worse, so you really have to be confident and go out and ensure you don't end up becoming one of those women who veer from one relationship to another in an effort to find love.

    Take control and find the relationship you desire and deserve!

Jill Rhodes-Harvey

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