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She Wants to Ask Her Husband To Watch His Porn in Private - Relationship Advice

Updated on April 9, 2010

Dear Veronica,

I don't know you, but I hope everything is great.

I'm not sure if this is the right way to go about asking you questions and advice, but here I go.

Is it unfair to ask your husband to not watch porn while you're home? We live together, so alone time is hard to come by, but I go out a few times a week and leave him home to enjoy some quite/alone time...is it wrong of me to want him to just watch it when I'm not there? We have a wicked sex life, and the only thing we ever have conflict over (since we've been together) is porn. I have absolutely no issue with him watching it when I'm not home, I watch it when he's not home! I don't know why I hate it so much when he watches it when I'm home, but I want so badly for him not to.

I need some advice badly.. most of my friends are guys and I don't know if this is something I can talk to them about...and my only female friends are usually less than objective. I just really want a level-headed, objective opinion about our respective rights and where the line of unfair limitations lies from someone who also seems to have their head on straight.

Many thanks for taking time out to read my email. Many more if you can help me in some way.

Cheers,

Katey

Dear Katey,

No, of course it is not unfair of you to ask your husband to only watch his porn privately. But let's look at this situation more closely.

It's great that you two have a good sex life. And it's great that you watch porn, and he does, and that you're honest about your feelings about it even the ones that don't necessarily make sense. And it's extra-great that you stated your understanding of how important it is that you each have private time. So many people that are part of a couple don't understand how important alone-time really is to a person's well being.

OK, so you've set the stage with him that you are cool, respectful of his privacy, aware of his porn-watching, giving him private time to do so, and asking him not to involve you.

And his response to this, is "No."

Apparently he's trying to tell you something. He's going about it badly, but he is trying to communicate something, consciously or subconsciously.

You're going to have to figure out what it is he's trying to say. It may be as simple as an immature: "You're not the boss of me" bratty attitude. It may be his shy way of saying, "LOOK at this video, I want to try this and I don't know any other way to ask you."

It may be his way of saying, "You're my partner now and I don't want to have a private sex life, I want you to share this with me."
And it may be as bad as - "I have a porn addiction, can't stop watching it even when you're home, and I need some help."

If you have a very open line of communication with him, you may want to just ask him which of these things it is. Go through the options out loud. Listen to his responses, and pay attention to his reactions. Hear him if he offers an alternative or an insight.

Obviously how you'd deal with different reasons will vary as much as the reasons themselves. It could turn out that he's being immature, or that he's trying to share or show you something or include you, or that he's got a real problem. These are all valid reasons. It's important not to judge, but to listen and make sure your partner knows he's safe with you.

I had a man that wrote to me a couple years ago, that he was very turned on by his wife yelling at him. He'd do things just to piss her off so she'd scream at him, because he sexually enjoyed that. There is nothing wrong with having a fetish that harms no one. But you have to be honest about it with your partner. It wasn't fair of him to pick fights and play with her emotions just to feel excited. I finally convinced him to just talk to her about this. Give her a chance to be part of the fantasy instead of fooled into thinking he's an idiot.

It is possible your husband enjoys your reaction to catching him with porn while you're home, even if that seems ludicrous. He may like the fantasy of being caught, or the the feeling of being in trouble, or naughty, or being yelled at. Again, if this is the reasoning behind his behavior, he's trying to tell you something.

I'd appreciate it if you'd keep in touch and write to me again when you figure out what it is he's trying to tell you, and how you choose to deal with that. Good luck with this.

This hub was

written by Veronica for Hubpages. If you are reading it any place else, it has been stolen. All text is original content by Veronica. all photos are use with permission. All videos are courtesy of Youtube.

Do you have a relationship problem? Why not write to me and see what I have to say?

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