At the end of the road; do I turn left or right?
Four years ago I met my 'good luck charm.' We met and had an intense holiday romance and when it was time to leave we had an open long distance relationship that lasted for 6 months. For fear of falling really hard for him, I ended it, but we remained good friends. He moved on and had quite a few relationships, it did sting a little but I kept telling myself it's ok, this is what you wanted, and that you made this decision based on the fact that we could never be in the same continent as we had our own lives to run with different tastes.
I too kept a look out for any potential boyfriend's but unintentionally any guy I met afterwards were kept in my friend list, as I couldn't help but compare them to him. Last year I came to a decision that I would not search, my parents can do the needful and if they're lucky in finding a partner the final decision would be taken by me. I knew that I would never agree so I made a decision to myself that I'll just be single right through out. But I still wanted him to be happy and move on.
Last year I got my wish when he met a girl who's more like him and before I knew it, he'd even proposed. Though there was a twinge of regret, I was also really happy he had done so. We kept less in contact. However he broke of his engagement a month ago due to other reasons which had nothing to do with me.
After coming so close to loosing him; I'm re-thinking about the whole matter. Do I leave out my what my sensible brain says and confess the one thing he's been waiting for me to say all those years ago, that I do like him a whole lot and am willing to give the relationship a go without holding back or should I just keep it all locked up and continue to push him towards the path of happiness; as I don't think i'm capable of giving him a life full of happiness. Plus I've no intention of being the third wheel in a relationship. He asked me if it was wrong to fall in love with 2 people at the same time. Though I didn't say anything and chose to ignore the statement, inside I do find it wrong. I feel insecure about the fact that maybe he'll go through the same thing again with a different woman.
However, we'll still have issues about where we're going to live but even so it's amazing that our feelings remain strong after all these years. I know he's waiting for me to encourage him to give the relationship a chance but I fear it'll be a mistake. I hope he sees through me and takes the leap. He's probably my soul mate in this life. But with all these crazy thoughts I also realize the fact that I'm too cruel for him. People often tell me that I'm too hard-hearted. He deserves an angel, since he's one of the very few guys I know who are really sincere and sensitive with their emotions.
My decision right now is to remain as an awesome friend and skip the whole husband/soul mate process. I've had an urge to adopt and love a child with all my heart for the past 6 years; regardless of whether i'm married or not. Of course the adoption process will only happen in my latter 20's since I need to be stable in my finances. I'm well aware that being a single mum is going to be extremely difficult; but I also know that I can count on my parents and siblings for support. I really hope that I get to do this, it'll be a dream come true to adopt for I have no fear of loving that child like my own.