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Becoming Single: Week One

Updated on May 17, 2012
Hundred Acre Wood
Hundred Acre Wood

Day one was very good. I travelled all over the world in my mind, and just behind my eyes a film festival was in town, and I kept catching glimpses of black and white movies and European language films as the day went on. And I looked through the world, just those few days ago, through some combination of a telescope and a microscope, a mental device that allowed me to see the minutest detail of mine and everyone else's lives with perfect clarity, as well as the huge big whole cosmic life picture of the universe and everything at the same time. Possibly I was having some kind of mental breakdown or episode, but who cares? At least it gave me something to write about just now. So the first day was a good day, a day of floating on air, of feeling tremendous relief, of smiling and feeling suddenly awakened. The decision to take charge of one's own life and to choose to split the conjoined destinies that you and another person shared is - there's no other word for it - a whopper.

On that first day my thoughts were wholly positive, entirely focused on me, my sons and our exciting new future.

On the second and third days it was still very much the same. I was walking with this group of circus performers, Confidence, Excitement and Hysteria. They kept making me variously laugh and grin inanely, and sometimes filled me with an urge to learn to trapeze (to be fair, I already had that urge anyway).

Now it is day four, and the coronary tattoo that was picking up speed and threatening to burst out of my chest has calmed down a bit, allowing me to breathe normally again. That's nice. But I think this might officially be the day that doubts start poking around in the brain, trying to find a dark corner to settle in. What am I doing? Why upset the status quo*? Why destroy someone else's life? Will that make me happy? Will I be able to manage financially? Is this all too selfish? No doubts about whether my children will be alright though - I already know they'll be fine.

But there's this other feeling now too, which just arrived this morning and is something akin to being adrift in open water, I think. I have never been adrift in open water, but I bet I'll dream about it tonight. There might be sharks. I do feel as though I have pitched myself from a nice big safe cruise liner into the middle of the Atlantic, and have only a brittle old branch to cling to to save me from drowning. I'm a rubbish swimmer, because I do not float at all. But it looks as though I'm going to have to learn. That's fine though - I've always thought I'd have to learn sooner or later. It's ridiculous to go through life wearing armbands - they don't match with anything.

That cruise ship that I just leapt from? I just saw it's name: Titanic, of course!

No doubt I'll be somewhere else tomorrow; possibly a desert with no water, or a rainforest full of huge-pincered insects. At least those places will be warm.


*'Down, down, deeper and down...' though, eh?



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    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Sorry young Lady Wordsmith. A few thoughts: many have made the difficult transition, and come out the other side more at peace with themselves. Your son deserves a happy Mom; and Mom deserves to be happy. It is a tough little rough spot. There will be some tears, but they are cleansing.

    • christopheranton profile image

      Christopher Antony Meade 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

      Just try to be optimistic and maintain your usual positive attitude. Things will work out fine.

    • neeleshkulkarni profile image

      neeleshkulkarni 5 years ago from new delhi

      my heart goes out to you LW.it sure IS going to be tuff to stay afloat but remember the people on the titanic who died because they refused to believe the ship was sinking !

      be proud that you are not one of them and that you had the guts to take your life in your own hands.

      rest assured there is someone up there with a department exclusively meant for those that have the courage to take the bull by the horns and the sole job of the deptt is to help them tame the bull.the only condition to the connect is that you don't ever ever ever give up.

      you give up on urself and they give up on you.So stay connected to yourself and don't let the whirlpool drag you down and rest assured YOU shall live to tell the story.

      you need a friend i am on hoo, u can mail me ask for the id. sometimes talking helps friend.all the best stay in touch.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Linda, my friend, I saw this hub come up a couple of days ago, and I didn't want to face it (and I refer to myself as a friend!!!)

      I didn't know how I was going to approach it = and I still don't.

      But you are no fool, so I am sure you have weighed up all the possible consequences. Well I hope you have.

      I like this roller coaster way of describing it. You certainly know how to put gut feelings down on "paper".

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 5 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Sounds like what you wrote in answer to a Hub Question on how to follow your heart. It also sounds as if the brain is working overtime. Take some extra time each day for yourself and meditate on what is really important in your life and future, and let the brain form a plan relegating all the other "stuff" to the Stuff Pile. With that kind of a plan, the mind can be at peace, and you can be too.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 5 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Hi MckB. I'm already more at peace than I was last week :) The tears are not mine! Actually, I haven't seen anyone shed any tears yet, so maybe we'll be lucky.

      Thanks for your encouraging words.

      Linda.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 5 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Thanks Chris. It's all in hand. All dithering done with. Onward and upward, and all that.

      Linda.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 5 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Hello Neelesh :) I have no intention of giving up - I don't think it's in my DNA actually! I used to think that it was, but I was mistaken. All happy here - no sadness, because I have a cold heart! :D Only kidding! Everything is proceeding VERY amicably, and everything will work out to everyone's benefit and satisfaction. I've no intention of hurting anyone, or being hurt myself.

      Thanks for your encouraging words also.

      Linda.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 5 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Alright Ian, dude? Yes, I have been weighing up all the options and consequences for roughly ... hmm ... four years :) I've done enough thinking to last twelve lifetimes, I should say.

      You know what you said about this being a creative period of my life? Well, blimeeeeey, you were right! I found something, a story, and I'm going to keep it under wraps, because I think it's actually good. It's nothing astounding, but it's me, my style, and I'm so comfortable with it that I think I'll be able to write it fairly quickly. I've made a start already, and am thinking about it in every spare hour.

      Good times ahead :)

      Don't worry about me, and don't feel too bad for the other party involved in all of this 'break up' stuff - he was a bit shocked and sad at first, but really he's fine and I think he's probably going to be very glad to be rid of me! I tell you, I do his head in ;)

      Linda.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 5 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Hi Perspycacious.

      The brain has calmed down now. Actually, it shut down for a couple of days. It's back on now though, and is really only concentrating on writing - that's what's important to my brain. The other stuff on that Stuff Pile is dealing with itself really now. Yes, I have peace :) Thank you.

      Linda.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I think you most probably do do his head in Linda. You're too interesting and bloody intelligent not to.

      Looking forward to seeing and reading (On Kindle?) your Magnum Opus.

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 5 years ago from Houston, Texas

      The beautiful way in which you express yourself in words...that novel will keep you too busy to do much fretting about the life change...except for the necessary and important arrangements that will obviously be taking place. Best wishes to you and all involved.

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      Sorry to hear, but at least you have your writing to help you focus! Keep your head held high and take each day one at a time. Eventually, it will seem normal! Best wishes.

    • michael ely profile image

      michael ely 4 years ago from Scotland

      Hi Linda. I haven't been on here in quite a while. But i was just reading this. Was unsure if it was fact or fiction until i read some of the comments. Hope all is well. All the best. Michael.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 4 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      No tears from me yet - I don't think I'll bother with being sad, because I don't feel sad! I think I possibly have no heart, but there's not much I can do about that. My mum told me that I will find some aspects of 'breaking up' upsetting - but I wholeheartedly think that she's wrong: I just don't get upset about my own stuff. I get upset for other people's tragedies and sorrows, but never really my own. I suppose I see the world in a different way to a lot of people, beauty first, bad stuff second. It's a convenient way of working!

      Thanks for all the lovely wishes and kindnesses though - lovely.

      Linda.

    • Angie Jardine profile image

      Angie Jardine 4 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Still going alright, LW? I have a hunch you are loving your new life … and, reading between the lines, I think you may have pulled it off without too much distress to anyone. Respect!

      Just read your new profile … my, but you’re a busy wordsmith … all those blogs! Gordon Bennett!

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 4 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Ha! Hello there. All those blogs have almost all been abandoned, as part of the clear-up-and-move-on process! I have two new blogs, as of this week, so I will need to update that profile again.

      I am loving my new life, but it's still not much different from my old life as that man is still living in this house - bless him! But singleness, in essence, is now what we both have, and I am keen to move onto the next phase as soon as possible. Probably time to write a new hub on 'how to get an ex to move out when he's just too comfortable and very indecisive'!

      My life is full of unfinished business. You are right, there hasn't been too much distress at all - but let's see what happens when I lose my patience and have to say 'that is enough, off you go'.

    • Angie Jardine profile image

      Angie Jardine 4 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Hmm, sounds as if that could be a mite trickier.

      I know you, like me, write from life so I shall be expecting to read about how to ‘make it real for the ex’. Flat-hunting together for his new pad may be the way to go … you know, get him all fired up about his newly given freedom?

    • abbykorinnelee profile image

      Abigayle Malchow 4 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

      I was not single, ever from 15 years old until I was 30. I have been single now for technically 2 years and 5 months. It was a roller coaster of emotions. I struggle some days emotionally. Other days I have dreams and goals that are backed by a motivation I haven't had before. I became comfortable being on my own six months ago and it was a liberating feeling. I am just barely contemplating beginning something slowely over a couple years with someone I have known for 20 years. Other than that, if I choose not to I have no interest in dating as of right now. I think that you are an amazing person from what I can tell through your writing and your inner strength in the end is going to send you to new places and amazing life discoveries just because you have the strength to be on your own.

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