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How To Be A Good Boyfriend

Updated on May 12, 2014

Happy Relationship At Risk!

Cause and Effect

If you are a guy in a relationship you know that alone time with yourself is rare in the relationship universe. Taking advantage of this window of opportunity is a must. Whether you practice the sacred ritual of napping with the dog or being able to play grease monkey and work on the rust bucket you call a car in your driveway, me time allows the soul to fix itself organically. Oftentimes though these exercises of self indulgence require an all encompassing concentration and focus on your hobbies stealing away time from performing activities that benefit the rest of the population of your house, like doing laundry or washing dishes. To make up for this responsibility chasm, the precious minutes before your lady comes home from her feminine escapades are reserved to save your relationship and to keep you from ending up single once your selfish pursuits are exposed. Pay close attention to what I'm saying guys. This list is tried and true and has allowed me to narrowly escape moving back in with random family members.

So delicious.
So delicious.

Ice Cream Burglar

1. Before your lady gets home you must ensure your life insurance policy is up to date and verify it does not cover murder because if she finds out you ate the last of the Ben and Jerry's ice cream you're a dead man. Remind her of the full amount of the policy and the terms before she uses the contents of freezer as projectiles. Lie if you have to as to the millions she stands to receive if you die of "natural causes". This will gain you another week or two, unless she serves a cool glass of refreshing limeade, aka anti-freeze, on a hot summer day in which case it is probably best to run to the store and grab some ice cream before she gets home.

Cheap Thrills

2. Before she gets home you must get your cheap thrills one last time because instead of shopping for her birthday present you read every baseball article on the web on fantasy baseball stats to ensure success for your team and when she realizes you put about 30 seconds of thought into her gift it's a done deal. You are on sexual probation. Look up Victoria Secret on the web, this is PG-13, and fantasize away bro. The solitary confinement you're going to is devoid of any female beauty.

How much harm can this little guy do?
How much harm can this little guy do?

Hide The Evidence

3. A must do, absolute can't ignore, is to clean up the dog puke in the refrigerator. It wasn't the poor little guy's fault that you underestimated his capacity to control temptation and gobble up the leftover burrito from last night. And I realize you didn't think it would do any harm to leave the fridge open while you ran to bathroom to piss out that 40 oz you flushed down during the ball game. A comedy of errors really, but it won't be so funny when your lady gets home and goes to fix herself a snack which then turns into a barf-o-rama. And no, Febreeze and a Magic Eraser ain't gonna do the job bro.


Ninja Training

4. If all else fails, teach the little one ninja skills in your last minutes of freedom. You may need her to stealthily bring you supplies when you are handcuffed to the tree house. Though you can probably survive the next week eating acorns and licking dew off leaves, it's a much better game plan to enable your young grasshopper to move in the cover of night in order to bring you the spoils of dinner leftovers. Warning: Ninja training backfires during teenage/sneak out of the house at midnight years so you also need a follow up this training with a future training that brainwashes them back into loud and clumsy mode.

Creepy handwriting optional.
Creepy handwriting optional.

Love Letters From The Heart

5. And finally, before your lady comes home you need to write her a love letter to thank her for her sweet personality, her dedication to your family, and that the gallon of gas you siphoned out of her car this morning is appreciated. Let's be honest, you could have went to the gas station, whipped out the credit card, spent $90 to fill up the truck, but you only needed about a gallon to get to the liquor store to get scratchers and a soda. Her car was right there in the garage and the new piece of plastic hose you bought to make a beer bong was begging to be tested. I guess you really don't have to tell her, but when she runs out of gas because you haven't changed out the bad gas gauge fuse yet it's simply better to communicate prior to that distress call from the side of the freeway.Besides, w hat's a gallon of unleaded between lovers? Write the love letter. Seal it was a kiss. I'm sure it will make everything better.


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