Being Gender Non-Conformist

Originally written March 2019: This year I started a foray into crossdressing, though not in the traditional sense. More being a gender non-conformist. All my life I had resisted the urge to have much to do with women's clothing, especially things like shoes that were always slightly alluring in department stores, given I had a latent tendency to cross-dress. I feared my desires and started a spiritual quest that seemed to deal with the issue to a large extent.

But after about thirty years and not having any decent relationship with a member of the opposite sex, something I had long desired, and being fascinated by men, dressing as women - I realised that society was becoming more accepting of men who wished to express themselves at least privately, or identify somewhat with being feminine.

Today and increasingly so, it is normal for women to choose to wear mens clothing but frowned on to do the opposite. Indeed, most clothes for men may well as be defined as unisex. Why this double standard? It's partly as men have to be the protectors of families and charged with an aggression that keeps them constantly alert to rivals so they can defend themselves or their significant others including partner and family. Signs of weakness, softness were to be avoided in standing up to defending the child bearing, familial characters of the female gender that has a reputation for physical weakness and emotional vulnerability. The man, sort of owned that and had to forego softness and weakness to be ready to discharge his duties and responsibilities. Women do look for strength and protection from men.

Be that as it may, online shopping; the breakdown of societal prejudices, the rise of gender neutralism and non-binary identities is forcing the issue. That what one most feared about a tendency to sissyness, was becoming an accepted norm. If women were totally equal to men and "toxic masculinity" needed negating, then men, logically could dress up in similar clothing to women and also look to females for strength as well as comfort and support, at least archetypally. Some of us had very strong mothers.

It all started more or less with me losing a woman I had started dating, fantasised about and the consequential despair. Then I found a bag of women's clothing with a collection of bras, tops, trousers that someone had dumped near my address (most of this was later given to a charity shop). Of course, I tried some of these on. After buying a pair of heeled shoes, knickers and some hosiery, I started practising walking in heels (that I dub heel walking) at my workplace (with no-one around) or outdoors in the late evenings. I purchased a pair of cheap, foam, breast forms from Ebay and also got a nightdress or two from Amazon to try at night.

It's so easy to obtain clothing these days. Online, charity shops and supermarkets with self-service checkouts.

I formed a desire to dress 100% in women's clothing and go to work presenting as a man. Obtained womens socks, a vest, unisex looking women’s shoes, a top and even a coat. I also decided that doing drag with make up and a wig and presenting or dressing as a woman qua woman was out, I was a man but just wanted to develop my own style, wearing women's clothes. A sort of sartorial veganism - I as a man sometimes prefer to wear clothes made for women. I decided there should be nothing sexual about this experiment, indeed it seemed to suppress most of my sexual desires, though they were replaced by a desire to acquire more shoes and items of women’s clothing.

So many women’s clothes are suitable for men. Jeans, vests, socks, coats, shoes, even knickers or panties. I made a collection of women’s shoes I could wear in public that looked like mens shoes or unisex including boots, sandals and trainers. I also put together a collection of women's shoes that can only be worn in private as they are decidedly feminine - pumps, heels and the like though finding a good fit from online orders was not easy. Some shoes were from charity shops. So much of what constitutes women's or men's clothes is up to manufacturers or convention. There is actually not much difference between knickers and pants except in design and materials - they provide the same function. Women's skins being more sensitive may be alive to some of these distinctions.

I'm writing this from work. On my feet are socks and trainers designed for women. I'm wearing knickers and elastic women’s jeans. I'm wearing a woman's vest, a woman's white top and a fleece jacket. Only my spectacles and watch are not women's. I present as a man. No one notices my deviation from fashion.

Sometimes I go for long walks in women’s underwear but am not interested in wearing a bra or anything that detracts from who I am, someone with a male body even though I don't necessarily always feel like a real man. I'd love to find a girlfriend who is supportive but am mis-trustful and feel I'm not that desirable given I'm approaching 50.

So the experiment continues. Sometimes I dress in 100% mens clothes, sometimes a mixture and sometimes 100% women's clothes even though I present as a man. At night I go for a walk sometimes wearing women’s Yoga Pants (that many men are now adopting - read leggings). In private I may change to womens shoes that are distinctly feminine including heels. I sometimes go to sleep in a nightdress including a bra with my cheap breast forms - I guess I like to be a bit subversive given I feel like a prisoner in my own home with crowding tenants. I mostly do this in my private space when they are asleep. But I have my limits in not linking these habits to sexual arousal, even though there is sometimes a frisson of excitement or an inner pleasure. This experiment has now helped me not have any sexual "spillage" or masturbation for over a month. I'm not that interested in joining crossdressing groups as I don't wish to express as a woman. It's like I've found a formula for being a proverbial "contented bachelor".

Often, women's clothing just happens to be cheaper, more practical, nicer looking and more comfortable. The gusset pocket in panties could certainly be used to smuggle something or hide something, sooner or later. They are made of material technologically superior to male underwear - elastane, nylon, modal and combinations of various fabrics.

Yes, I may be mad but never before have I been so interested in my clothes and how I present myself. It's quite fun, finding a combination of female clothing that works on me as a man. I keep up with my spiritual work - I think these desires should sooner or later be transcended.

But I want to make concessions to changes in how society thinks about gender and am taking my own natural inclinations into an experiment in trying out new clothes that I find supportive, interesting and help spice up my life giving me more energy and incentives to keep very fit - having lost over a stone in weight. It is at the same time not cheap, but women's clothes and shoes are widely available online as they get rid of them more often than men (I think). Never had to really bother getting my own clothes, except very occasionally, until now.

My feminine shoe collection I can't wear in public rests at about 12 pairs with several "unisex" pairs of shoes for public wear. I haven't told anyone in particular and am not interested in encouraging any of this. It's just this lonely experiment that will hopefully find a stable resolution given that clothing is now often viewed as somewhat gender neutral and businesses still want to sell their stuff so they are trying to expand their market in a non-binary context.

We live in interesting times. Let's endeavour to remain sane.

Postscript, Jan 2020: I now often wear women's clothing and sometimes a mixture of male, female and unisex clothing. I've largely been free from sexual desires including masturbation and effectively celibate for periods exceeding 3 months, and may as well be some sort of fashionable hermit.