Best, Kept Secret... Coming undone (PART THREE)
Best, Kept Secret... It is I
...I, In the now.
Riding solo with my head full of thoughts that should not be there. I have loved a man for twenty years and I have longed to feel his love in return. I could wallow in self-pity or I can bring to light the deception this man has played for years. Scorned, I am not. I am hurt beyond repair.
Lawrence remains an addiction, an affliction, and an absolute creator of misery around my heart. Enaid entices him and they together both enjoy watching and ridiculing people like me. Gulable and a sucker for punishment I have been so caught up in the moment - the ecstacy of being in his company. Although, I have felt manipulated they have been too smart for me. In fact, however hard it is to admit, Lawrence with help and guidance from Enaid continues to manipulate me to never get caught red-handed, that is, for me to catch them together. Today,I wish with everything that for one single moment I could go back in time twenty years, just to change one fact.. to have been unaffected by his innocently displayed charm. It is indeed a fact, there is nothing innocent about Lawrence, never was, and never will.
Truth hurts, it hurts like hell, and I am my own worst enemy. I have all the tools, the knowledge, intuition, and instincts to be fully aware that things were never right in matters of the heart with Lawrence. I am attractive, smart about anything else than relationships, witty, passionate, and downright fun-loving. At times I am a big sook, but for the most part I have been a tough cookie - strong-willed/determined. I have gone through many experiences and have come out on top. But, love has been one big disaster for me. I have been in-love three seperate times - the in-love feeling of having lost my mind. Something like playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun. There was no choice involved, I did not have a chance to think about anything...it just was there, slapped me in the face, or rather knocked me completely senseless. Yep, three times too many! There is only one guy out of the three that I have not been able to fall out of love with. At the moment, I hate him. I hate him sooo much that I love him.
