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Black women: Is the church keeping you single?

Updated on February 27, 2013

“I’m waiting on God to send me a man.”

Another Valentine's Day...

A few years ago Deborrah Cooper wrote an article for her Surviving Dating website which was titled: The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely. To no surprise this controversial article caught on like wildfire. Discussions about it were in newspapers as well as on CNN.

Her theory is black women are being “brainwashed” by ministers and they take the bible too literal when it comes to being submissive to men. Ms. Cooper also states she believes many of these women miss out on opportunities to date suitable men because they continue to insist that their mate be black and a man of God.

To be fair Ms. Cooper does state that there are four types of black single men in church and they are as follows.

1. A loser working a 12 step program – They need help getting their life back on track.

2. Openly or in the closet gay men –Neither which are interested in marrying. They are looking to be accepted or hoping to pray away the gay.

3. Opportunistic players on the prowl - Every player I know of goes to a few different churches. They have easy pickings amongst the hundreds of horny lonely single women who will cook and give them free meals and satisfy his sexual urges.

4. Elderly reformed players – Worried about dying alone, they bring their behinds back to church to find a “good Christian woman” for marriage. Essentially they are looking for a free nursemaid and a bed warmer.

Based upon Ms. Cooper’s analysis the last place for a black woman to find a man is in the church!

"Black women are interpreting the scriptures too literally. They want a man to which they are 'equally yoked' -- a man that goes to church five times a week and every Sunday just like they do," Cooper said in a recent interview.

"If they meet a black man that is not in church, they are automatically eliminated as a potential suitor. This is just limiting their dating pool."

"The traditional structure and dynamics of black churches, mostly led by black men, convey submissive attitudes to women, Cooper says, encouraging them to be patient -- instead of getting up and going after what they want."

Needless to say I never understood how being single and Christian became a “black women’s issue”. As far as I am aware all Christian churches are using the same basic bible to govern their lives. Quite a few people go to church and do whatever they please on the other six days. Although I’m far from being a “bible thumper” I am aware that Ecclesiastes 7:20 states: For there is not a just man upon earth, that doeth good, and sinneth not. There are no perfect men or women.

Everyone I know of who considers themselves to be a Christian "cherry picks" the verses (they) agree with and ignore those they don't. It always comes back to personal choice.

I too have heard women proclaim: “I’m waiting on God to send me a man.” God has already made 7 billion people and close to half of them are men. It may be a case of expecting too much to have God gift wrap and personally deliver a man to your doorstep. Even lottery winners buy tickets!

Action is required to get anything worthwhile in life. If you needed a job you most likely would not wait on God to provide you with one. You’d go onto,, email resumes, and do some networking. You have to be proactive.

Life rewards those who show up

There will always be people that will find someone or something to blame for their unhappiness. Rarely does anyone advocate looking into the mirror and taking responsibility for their own happiness. Life is a personal journey and our lives are the result of the choices and decisions (we) make. When we choose to play the “blame game” in any area of life it makes us powerless.

One man’s opinion


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