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Breaking Up is Hard to Do--But Better Might Be Right Around the Corner

Updated on July 3, 2013
Janine Huldie profile image

Janine is a published author in Only Trollops Shave Above the Knees, appears on The Huffington Post and at Confessions of A Mommyaholic.

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Boy meets girl, girl meets boy--The First Meeting

Boy meets girl, girl meets boy. From that first meeting, they say you will know whether you want to see more of this person or not.

Well, when I first met my ex-boyfriend (Brendan) at 22 years old, I knew instantly I wanted to see more of him and get to know him. There was what you would call an instant attraction on my part to him. He also had to have felt something, because he asked me out from that first meeting.

Well on our first date, we went to see a movie. Afterwards, he wanted to go for a drink and we did just that. I had no idea that he had his demons with both alcohol and drugs at this point. What I did know was I was attracted to him and felt like my insides turned to mush and jelly around him.

After that first date, he said he would call, but guess what he didn't. I guess in hindsight I should have realized he wasn't the one, but I could not understand why someone I felt a connection to would not call me for a second date. I was also very young and headstrong so I refused to give up on him and my feelings for him.

Brendan was a butcher at a local grocery store. So, one day while I was still waiting for him to call, I casually went to the store to make like I had to pick up a few things and when I 'just happened' to run into him made it like it was not a big deal. As Monica said on an episode of friends said, "I was totally being breezy!" Well, by the end of that encounter he did indeed ask me out finally for our second date. I was actually kind of proud of myself for how I played my hand on this one.

So we ended up going to yet another movie and then out to dinner afterwards. After this date, I got up the nerve and actually initiated our first kiss, which I remember thinking was amazing and totally wanting to do that again! So I told him that, I will never forget him smile that million dollar smile he had at me before he leaned in to kiss me again.

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Dating...

After that date, we went out pretty regularly and after about a month we were sexually active with each other. Somehow for most of our dates , we would always end up at the local bar near his house to meet up, which was frequented by the same regulars pretty much everyday. This bar actually reminded me of something out of a Billy Joel song. Yet again, I was naive and young not realizing just how much of a problem Brendan had with his addictions. I was already head over heels for him and seemed to have blinders on about this. I was usually the designated driver, because I would never drink as much as him and usually was sober enough by the end of the night to get us home in one piece. We dated steadily through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the beginning of the New Year too.

It was wintertime, pretty cold and bitter out by this point. On this fateful night, Brendan called me to come meet him like I usually would do, but on this particular night when I got to the bar he was no where to be found. He left me for hours waiting on him. By now I knew the regulars, so I ended up hanging out at the bar talking to a couple of them. By 1 am in the morning, I decided he had stood me up and I was going to go home. This was before the age of cell phones and I only had a beeper on me.


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The Breakup...

Well I was on my way home, when my beeper when off. I found a pay phone and called the number back. Of course it was Brendan. I was pretty annoyed and ticked off at him by this point. He was totally three sheets to the wind and had gotten himself completely wasted. I agreed to come get him, because even though I was angry wanted to make sure he got home safely. Well, I got him to the door of his house (he was still living at home with his parents). He tripped up the steps and woke his father. This was the last straw for his both his parents. I found out that night as Brendan so eloquently put it, "Brendan has a problem and is an alcoholic." His parents had seen him through two previous encounters with rehab and this night was straw that broke the camel's back for them, so they ending up throwing him out of their house.

His parents were lovely people and tried so hard to help him, but again you can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself. His mom told me that night to get out while I could and to find someone better than her son. I will never forget her telling me that and looking me in the face to say she loved him and it was breaking her heart to have to say this about her own son.

We did indeed break up shortly after that, but I tried for a few weeks after that to be there for him even after all I knew. But of course he was an alcoholic and even had some drugs issues as well that he hid pretty well from most. It pained me to have to cut ties with him, but I knew that I couldn't keep enabling him. His parents were truly right about that. By the way, when Brendan hadn't called me back in the real beginning, it was because he was afraid to get too close to me and hurt me over these addictions. I, of course, found that out after the fact now.

I will say this that even after it ended, I still had such trouble letting go. I had other relationships after Brendan, but everyone seemed to pale in comparison to him and I could not help comparing these other guys to him.

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The Aftermath and The Light at the End of The Tunnel...

Four years after we had met and 3 years after we broke up, I tried to contact him, because I honestly had so much trouble shaking this breakup and Brendan off, but soon realized the old saying you can't go home truly applied here. I remember finally realizing this, after one of the last things he ever said to me. Brendan said and I quote, "You may find someone who is similar to me, but this person will be a better person and so much better for you." At the time, I really wanted that to be true.

So after everything that had just occurred, I took about a month off from dating anyone and thought long and hard what I wanted from a potential mate and that is when I decided to try online dating. Guess what, I found someone who was a lot like Brendan believe it or not in the good ways, but was a much better person for me. Kevin is all that and more. We will know each other for 9 years and are married for 6 years. We also have 2 beautiful little girls too!

In the end, I believe I had to go through this failed relationship to help make me a stronger person and to also help me figure out what I wanted from another person. It is so true when they say, "Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." For me, my failed relationship made me a much stronger person, definitely didn't kill me (although while I was going through the aftermath I thought the hurt may) and truly led me to the best possible person and situation for me. I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and this failed relationship certainly did happen for all the bad and then good that came out of it.

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    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 3 years ago from New York, New York

      Thank you Glen and you truly make some valid points here. I do agree we tend to try to look for similar in people we met and interact with romantically (at least it was this way for me). I am thankful that I did grow and learn from this experience. And gain thank you for reading and all your kind words here, too.

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      Glenn Stok 3 years ago from Long Island, NY

      Looks like you were always there for Brandon. You were a good girlfriend, but you deserve better. It's true that we tend to select the same people over and over again. It's usually because we have some unresolved issue. You mentioned that you met someone similar to him as he said you would. But he's a better person for you, as you indicated. That's growth. And now you are married and have a wonderful family. We learn from past experiences and try to improve. This was an interesting story. Well done.

    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Ish, I was glad to share my story and experience here with you and everyone on Hubpages in hopes to let others know that even though it may seem like the end of the world, breakups can truly lead to better times in the end. Thank you for back-linking this one and I have done the same with your prince charming Hub and also for the votes and share, too!!

    • ishwaryaa22 profile image

      Ishwaryaa Dhandapani 4 years ago from Chennai, India

      An engaging story! Life is like a lesson and we have a lot to learn from it. Break-ups are part of life and they happen for some reasons. Just as you rightly mentioned, our mistakes and failures make us stronger and eventually find good things in the end. Now, you found your prince charming and led a happy life together along with your 2 daughters! Thank you for sharing your uplifting story with us! Voted up & Shared

    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Lovedoctor, I do totally agree with you on the majority of your comment. When it first happened I was devastated, but now years later I know I am so much bette roof and am truly happy with my life with my husband and kids. Thanks for commenting and being so supportive, too!!

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      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      At times; we tend to keep our blinders on even when we already know that there are red flags

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      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      Hi Janine; I enjoyed reading this. I am just as headstrong as you are. Sometimes when we are in love we tend to see everything through rose color spectales hoping the other person will change some of their habits or behavior in this case addiction but the guy must truly want to do it for himself. I think the best thing that could have happened was the breakup because it led you to your husband.

    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Eddy, thank you so much for sharing your life experiences with your ex-husband here. I already knew that you were a strong and capable woman and this only solidified it for me. I also thank you for including the serenity prayers here, because it is truly fitting. So very happy that you did grow from this experience and did meet Dai and had your happily ever after there too!! Hope you are indeed enjoying your day and take care :)

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      You sure know how to keep an audience gripped. A wonderful hub Janine.

      One of the things I admire about you is that you are totally honest;there is no bull spoken and you are right I think you relationship with Brendan happened for a reason.As you say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

      Years ago back to when I was 17 years old ;I got to know my ex husband of 26 years!!! He had the reputation of being an alcoholic and wife beater!!Plus he was twice my age!!!As I look back today I know that if I had met Dai back then I would have run a mile!!!I couldn't be doing with someone I truly loved just for them to turn round and hurt me. From my marriage I had six kids and I loved bringing them up. HE didn't bother with the children much and that was fine by me!!Whatever was wrong I dealt with it through my survival instinct which had grown stronger since I was a little girl.

      Then of course back in2002 I left HIM and stayed on my own for 5 years and then met Dai.I was a little paranoid at start but I was now much stronger than that vulnerable 17 year old all those years ago!!

      Today I also know that it was not right to have had children by someone like my ex and we were poles apart but this is where my Serenity Prayer comes into it.

      God grant me the serenity

      to accept the things I cannot change;

      courage to change the things I can;

      and wisdom to know the difference.

      Thanks again for this gem Janine and keep them coming .

      Take care my dear friend and enjoy your day.

      Eddy.

    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Ignugent17, thank you as always for commenting and sharing and glad I am not the only one with that mantra!!

    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Oh so did I too about breakups and the amount of them. This just happened to be one that shaped me and was very significant to me. Thank you for the votes and share too and I also don't look forward to my daughters dealing with heart break too.

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      ignugent17 4 years ago

      Great story Janine! I love the ending too " whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" It is really true.

      Thanks for sharing.

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      Mary Hyatt 4 years ago from Florida

      Oh, I had SO many breakups before I finally met the man of my life. They were all learning experiences in life. I feel so bad if one of my daughters falls in love and goes through a breakup. They are hard to deal with at the time.

      I voted this UP, will share.

    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Sasha, thank you so much and can't help but totally agree that everything does truly happen for a reason and I thank god for that with my husband and my kids constantly. Thank you also for voting and sharing too!!

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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Terrye, thank you for sharing that you too went through similar and think you can agree that whatever doesn't kill you will indeed make you stronger, better off and saner in the end! Seriously, thank you for the votes and share too :)

    • Mama Kim 8 profile image

      Sasha Kim 4 years ago

      Lovely story Janine! I completely agree that everything happens for a reason. We have so many things to learn in this life and those lessons often come from unexpected sources. I'm so happy you found someone wonderful to be with. Voting and sharing.

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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Oh Linda I love how you know exactly where I got that line from and love our shared 'Friends' habit!! Seriously, thank you :)

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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Thank you too Rema. I am so very blessed and can't say that enough. I look at my husband and kids and think this quite often. But thank you for your kind words, means a lot to me :)

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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Julie, thank you so much and have to be honest in this day in age with Facebook I did look Brendan up (never contacted) just wanted to know that he was indeed Ok (when you love someone even if it doesn't work out, I think you can't help but wish them well). He is married now with 2 kids of his own and seems to be doing better thankfully. As for me, I am just so happy that I didn't settle and did find my Kevin and have my girls too :)

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      Terrye Toombs 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      Great story, Janine. I would agree, and have lived it. Voted up and shared.

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      Linda Bilyeu 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      "I was totally being breezy" makes me want to watch a Friends marathon! You go girl, always be breezy! :)

    • remaniki profile image

      Rema T V 4 years ago from Chennai, India

      Hi Janine,

      A happy ending to a sad tale of a failed relationship. Yes, everything happens for a good reason! In this case it made you a stronger person and helped you find your ideal partner in Kevin. I wish you and Kevin a very good life with Emma and Lily. God bless you all! Cheers, Rema.

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

      Janine, this is a poignant story but I agree with Bill that even failed relationships teach us something along the way - I hope Brendan finally got sorted out with his addictions but am delighted you met Kevin and found your real love - what's meant to happen to you doesn't pass you by - letting go of Brendan eventually led you to Kevin :o)

    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Bill, thank you for catching up on one that I most likely did publish before we connected on here. So true about all those failed relationships, because I truly feel if not from them I would never have known exactly what I was looking for when I found Kevin and sounds like you too totally understand in your finding of Bev too. Thank you again and so very appreciate you always :)

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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I am grateful for every failed relationship; if it were not for those I would have never been able to spot the real thing in Bev. God bless the failures, wherever they may be. :)

      Wonderful Janine; this must have been before I knew you; glad I caught up to it.

      have a wonderful weekend my friend

      bill

    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Docmo, thank you so much for reading this one and for ever so kind comments here. I really do learn so much for this experience and it did truly help shape a bit more into the person I am today. Brendan was a very important part of my life and even though I have moved past him and what we had, I will always have a special place in my heart for him. I just truly wanted others to know that even if you love someone and it doesn't work out that sometimes it truly happens for a reason even if it doesn't quite feel that way when you are going through it. Thanks again for everything!!

    • Docmo profile image

      Mohan Kumar 5 years ago from UK

      There's nothing more powerful than sharing a personal narrative that shows others how one has endured, experienced and learnt from a phase of life. you've done it beautifully here full of honesty and raw power, Janine. Awesome. voted up and shared.

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Linda, I cried so much over this as I was going through it believe me, but I do believe I wasted enough time with the tears and pity party over this one back then. I try now very hard to look at this part of my life for what it was worth and thank god that I came out of this situation stronger and better off having experienced all I did here. Glad that I could make you smile at the end of this read and I too longed for a different ending back int e day, but now know why it happened the way it did and am totally better off for it. Thanks again for stopping by, your kind words and for all your support always.

    • Janine Huldie profile image
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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Michele, I truly do believe everything happens for a reason and think I was meant to meet my husband and if I would not have gone through who knows where I would be today. That said, I do thank you for you kind words here and happy to share this part of my life.

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Only you could write about a sad memory of many and make me smile. I was usually the heartbreaker, I know...not nice, but everything happens for a reason. I really enjoyed the movie The Break Up, just wish the ending was a bit different :)

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 5 years ago from Singapore

      Breaking up is hard to do, but you're right, it was meant for a purpose and you've come out of it to meet Kevin, a much better guy for you. God works in mysterious ways! Bless you, Janine.

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Maria, thank you so much for all your kind words here. Very glad and happy to be getting to know you better, because from what I read on your end so far you too are a very strong and amazing woman as well. Thank you so much for your words here, as well as for the votes and share. It is so very appreciated!! Hugs back at you too, Janine.

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      Maria Jordan 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      In wanting to get to know you better, I am finding a lovely and strong woman in you, Janine...

      You are not the first woman to fall in love with the wrong man but you used such amazing judgment and self-love to know that you deserved better.

      You are inspirational and I am happy to get to know you even better. Voted UP & UABI. Hugs, Maria

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Wow, LaThing we really do see to have so much in common. Glad to see even though you went through a similar situation that you did come out stronger. Thanks again for your comment and all your continued support.

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Becky, sorry to hear this about your son. I am truly so happy that I did listen to Brendan's mom, because if I didn't I really couldn't even begin to imagine how my life might have turned out. Thank you for stopping by and commenting too.

    • LaThing profile image

      LaThing 5 years ago from From a World Within, USA

      Awww, Jan, you and I seen to have another thing in common.... We both went through a relationship and came out stronger!! Very touching story.... Voting up and beautiful!

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      My son's mil told him not to marry her, he could do better. He didn't listen to her either. He is learning now.

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Jeannieinabottle, totally agree it is never a good sign when someone's parent has to tell you they are no good for you. Sounds like you can also relate to this too. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

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      Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      This is a great hub! It is always a bad sign when other people associated with your boyfriend (such as a parent) encourage you to dump him because you can do better. I've also had that happen to me. There are a lot of creeps out there. I am happy for you since you obviously found a nice guy. :-) Voted up!

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Snowdrops, thanks for your comment and support here. And I agree I think when you meet that person you just instinctively know and can't help but want to see that person as much as you can.

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      snowdrops 5 years ago from The Second Star to the Right

      Heheheh, Janine what an awesome story you've shared with us. I also know the first time Ive seen my boyfriend that I want to know more of him and wanted to see him every second :))

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Cybershelley, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. I totally agree that I am better off for having had the experience. I will never be sorry that I cared for Brendan, he truly was a huge part of my past and helped shape the person I am today. Even though it didn't work out, I will be externally grateful for this experience, because without it I might not of found my happiness in Kevin and my girls.

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      Shelley Watson 5 years ago

      A compassionate story of a broken person who brings out our natural caring instincts. Glad you chose not to enable him and walked your own road, a much richer person for the experience.

      Voted up, interesting and shared!

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Dwachira, thanks for reading my story and glad my story is a relatable one. I appreciate your kind words and support too.

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      [ Danson Wachira ] 5 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      Reading this touching dating story, i kept on comparing notes with my past love life. It is very true, sometimes all these hard times we go through in finding the right match in our life only makes us stronger and focused. I really enjoyed reading it here, thanks.

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Rajan jolly very true about life being precious. I also agree about your comments about addictions and giving precious time to those who are addicted. But I was young and felt feelings if love for Brendan. Now as an adult and truly wiser individual I know better and have experienced better. Life is truly about learning from your mistakes and not making the same mistakes twice. Thanks again for your comments and support. It is totally appreciated.

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Zsobig, thank you so much for comment and do agree that I think everyone does have a soulmate out there, whether they actually find that person is another story. I am definitely going to your story and glad that you too found your better half online. Thanks again!

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      Sophie 5 years ago from United Kingdom

      Wow this is an interesting hub - I was recently wondering if there is a soulmate for everyone (I even made a question about it).

      I am very happy that you came out stronger out of all these and that later you have found your soulmate, the love of your life.

      Like you, I found my 'other half' thanks to the internet, although neither of us were searching in fact. If you are interested, read my 15th hub about this story :).

      All in all, I am very happy for you and I wish you a lifetime of happiness with your husband and the beautiful kids!

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      Rajan Singh Jolly 5 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Awesome story Janine. and I'm glad you came out stronger. I've always maintained that its best to sever ties when things do not work and start afresh. Life is precious and no one who has any addiction, that is overpowering his life, is worth pining for and trying to make the relationship work.

      Voted up, useful, awesome and beautiful. Your story has to be shared, so doing the needful.

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Thank you so much for your comment Lord, I will definitely try to write more about my girls in the future and my experiences with them. I did write about my older one having colic and how my husband and I dealt with the first few months of her life, but she will be 3 on July 17th so I should definitely write more about my her and even my younger daughter. Thanks again, I was just glad to share and hopefully give some hope to anyone who has gone through or is going through something similar. Janine

    • Lord De Cross profile image

      Joseph De Cross 5 years ago

      Hi there Janine,

      Your story has been experienced by so many young people. Is amazing how alcohol, music and drugs can break hearts for bad... or fot good in your case. I'm happy for you and Kevin, and hopefully will hear from your experience as a young mom of two adorable little angels. Thanks for pouring your heart on this genuine story.

      Lord

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Josh that feeling is quite mutual and thank you so much for everything recently too!!

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      Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      You are very welcome! you have been very loyal to me recently, I am just reciprocating the favor! :)

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      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Josh, Thank you again for comments and your continued support. Totally agree with you on trials making you stronger. Thank you so much again!!

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      Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Another awesome story Janine! Loved it, things work out for a reason don't they? Your last paragraph is an awesome conclusion, trials make us stronger! Thanks for this story Janine! Voted up, and more!