Breaking Up is Hard to Do--But Better Might Be Right Around the Corner

Boy meets girl, girl meets boy. From that first meeting, they say you will know whether you want to see more of this person or not.

Well, when I first met my ex-boyfriend (Brendan) at 22 years old, I knew instantly I wanted to see more of him and get to know him. There was what you would call an instant attraction on my part to him. He also had to have felt something, because he asked me out from that first meeting.

Well on our first date, we went to see a movie. Afterwards, he wanted to go for a drink and we did just that. I had no idea that he had his demons with both alcohol and drugs at this point. What I did know was I was attracted to him and felt like my insides turned to mush and jelly around him.

After that first date, he said he would call, but guess what he didn't. I guess in hindsight I should have realized he wasn't the one, but I could not understand why someone I felt a connection to would not call me for a second date. I was also very young and headstrong so I refused to give up on him and my feelings for him.

Brendan was a butcher at a local grocery store. So, one day while I was still waiting for him to call, I casually went to the store to make like I had to pick up a few things and when I 'just happened' to run into him made it like it was not a big deal. As Monica said on an episode of friends said, "I was totally being breezy!" Well, by the end of that encounter he did indeed ask me out finally for our second date. I was actually kind of proud of myself for how I played my hand on this one.

So we ended up going to yet another movie and then out to dinner afterwards. After this date, I got up the nerve and actually initiated our first kiss, which I remember thinking was amazing and totally wanting to do that again! So I told him that, I will never forget him smile that million dollar smile he had at me before he leaned in to kiss me again.

After that date, we went out pretty regularly and after about a month we were sexually active with each other. Somehow for most of our dates , we would always end up at the local bar near his house to meet up, which was frequented by the same regulars pretty much everyday. This bar actually reminded me of something out of a Billy Joel song. Yet again, I was naive and young not realizing just how much of a problem Brendan had with his addictions. I was already head over heels for him and seemed to have blinders on about this. I was usually the designated driver, because I would never drink as much as him and usually was sober enough by the end of the night to get us home in one piece. We dated steadily through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the beginning of the New Year too.

It was wintertime, pretty cold and bitter out by this point. On this fateful night, Brendan called me to come meet him like I usually would do, but on this particular night when I got to the bar he was no where to be found. He left me for hours waiting on him. By now I knew the regulars, so I ended up hanging out at the bar talking to a couple of them. By 1 am in the morning, I decided he had stood me up and I was going to go home. This was before the age of cell phones and I only had a beeper on me.

Well I was on my way home, when my beeper when off. I found a pay phone and called the number back. Of course it was Brendan. I was pretty annoyed and ticked off at him by this point. He was totally three sheets to the wind and had gotten himself completely wasted. I agreed to come get him, because even though I was angry wanted to make sure he got home safely. Well, I got him to the door of his house (he was still living at home with his parents). He tripped up the steps and woke his father. This was the last straw for his both his parents. I found out that night as Brendan so eloquently put it, "Brendan has a problem and is an alcoholic." His parents had seen him through two previous encounters with rehab and this night was straw that broke the camel's back for them, so they ending up throwing him out of their house.

His parents were lovely people and tried so hard to help him, but again you can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself. His mom told me that night to get out while I could and to find someone better than her son. I will never forget her telling me that and looking me in the face to say she loved him and it was breaking her heart to have to say this about her own son.

We did indeed break up shortly after that, but I tried for a few weeks after that to be there for him even after all I knew. But of course he was an alcoholic and even had some drugs issues as well that he hid pretty well from most. It pained me to have to cut ties with him, but I knew that I couldn't keep enabling him. His parents were truly right about that. By the way, when Brendan hadn't called me back in the real beginning, it was because he was afraid to get too close to me and hurt me over these addictions. I, of course, found that out after the fact now.

I will say this that even after it ended, I still had such trouble letting go. I had other relationships after Brendan, but everyone seemed to pale in comparison to him and I could not help comparing these other guys to him.

Four years after we had met and 3 years after we broke up, I tried to contact him, because I honestly had so much trouble shaking this breakup and Brendan off, but soon realized the old saying you can't go home truly applied here. I remember finally realizing this, after one of the last things he ever said to me. Brendan said and I quote, "You may find someone who is similar to me, but this person will be a better person and so much better for you." At the time, I really wanted that to be true.

So after everything that had just occurred, I took about a month off from dating anyone and thought long and hard what I wanted from a potential mate and that is when I decided to try online dating. Guess what, I found someone who was a lot like Brendan believe it or not in the good ways, but was a much better person for me. Kevin is all that and more. We will know each other for 9 years and are married for 6 years. We also have 2 beautiful little girls too!

In the end, I believe I had to go through this failed relationship to help make me a stronger person and to also help me figure out what I wanted from another person. It is so true when they say, "Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." For me, my failed relationship made me a much stronger person, definitely didn't kill me (although while I was going through the aftermath I thought the hurt may) and truly led me to the best possible person and situation for me. I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and this failed relationship certainly did happen for all the bad and then good that came out of it.