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How to Deal with a Break-Up

Updated on January 22, 2016
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Wether you're the breakee or the breaker, breaking up is never an easy thing. When you truly love someone, or loved, you don't want to hurt them, be hurt by them, or lose them forever.

I personally have only been through one true break-up, and it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to put myself though; to be honest, sometimes it still is. After a four year relationship and us living together, our romance ultimately came to a close. Yes, it was me who ended it, but that didn't stop the tears from streaming down my face every night or the pain I felt lurking in my chest, and yes, it is possible to feel physical pain from missing someone. I truly believe that if I had been okay and felt no sadness about us breaking up, it would mean that I never really loved him. And trust me that, I did.

I think it's important to understand that a break-up is never easy for either party. The lump that formed in my throat when I told my ex that we couldn't be together anymore spoke for itself. Losing your best friend is never easy. I also think it's important to understand that no one ever really replaces them, someone else just comes in and finds a new place in your heart. You'll always have memories, you'll always have something that reminds you of them, and you'll always have the lessons that you learned, locked away somewhere within you. When a relationship ends, a part of you ends with it. It still lives inside of you, but it no longer functions.

What's funny is that I used to always say that the phrase, "You never really stop loving your first love" was nothing but a bunch of bologna, but now that I've been put through an actual breakup, I have to admit, my feelings have changed. It's true. I believe a part of you always loves your first love, you may not be in love anymore, but the respect for the relationship that you once had, and the love for them that you once had, it never truly completely diminishes. (Save for situations where a relationship ended very badly.)


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So How do You Get 'Over' a Break-Up?

My personal answer is, I don't think you're ever 'over' it. I think you just move passed it. I will always care about my ex, I would never wish any harm upon him, and I would always wish nothing but happiness for him. I would never speak ill of him or of our relationship, or pull the, 'why did I ever date him?' foolishness because I have respect for the fact that we were once in love.

That, is the first step in moving passed a relationship that has come to a close; acknowledging that you loved them and respecting that. Then, acknowledging that it was not the best thing for one of you or both of you, and respecting that as well.

Another thing you need to do is keep your distance for a while before you become friends again. This is not something that I did, and it complicated a lot of things for both of us. Many of us upon breaking up, wish to stay friends. This is understandable of course, because you're losing your significant other and your best friend at the same time. That's another reason that it's so painful. However, it allows no time for the two of you to heal yourselves without the other, therefore moving passed it becomes increasingly difficult.

Furthermore, you need to allot yourself a sufficient amount of time before jumping into seeing someone else. Again, this doesn't allow you to heal yourself properly, and you wind up being more confused and hurt than you were to begin with. Then you have mixed the new person into your complications and you may wind up hurting them as well. This leads me to my next point, focus on yourself.

Sometimes, after a break-up we fall into a bit of a rut, a bit of a depression, and it's not something our friends or family are able to pull us out of. It's something you need to accomplish for yourself. Do things that make you feel good, or that you know used to make you feel good. Positive things. It'll remind you of who you are, and help you reach up and come right out of your newly found rut.

It's important to remember that your entire world hasn't come to an end, just a part of it. It's also important to allow yourself some time to be sad. Cry it out, and don't rush deleting all of your pictures, or throwing everything away. In time, you will find the strength to do it. However, the sooner that you have less things around that remind you of them, the easier it'll be to push yourself passed it.

You will love again. Not only that, but you will love them differently. I don't think you ever love two people the same. They're in a different place for you, and you've grown as a person, and therefore you can not love them the same because you're not the same that you were. And they're not your ex. If you try to love them the same, I believe that it will ultimately result in a problematic relationship.



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Most Importantly

Don't give up on love. One relationship doesn't define you. One person doesn't define all people. One mistake doesn't define you. It's important to know that if you stay open to it, you will find love again. As long as you learn from your mistakes and keep an open mind, you can and you will love again.

It'll all be okay.

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      You've posted some very good advice!

      I believe the first step to moving on is accepting it's over!

      The best way to move on is to go "cold turkey" after the breakup. Unfriend them in Facebook, delete phone numbers, block email addresses, and put away old photos and mementos in the closet. Stop frequenting same places.

      Most people offer "instant friendship" as a (consolation prize) in order to avoid feeling like the "bad guy". However you are the last person who can help someone get over you! Essentially you're torturing them by sticking around.

      What usually happens is the person who was dumped grabs the friendship olive branch with the hidden agenda of hopping to get you back again at some point. It's unrealistic to expect them to view you as true platonic friend as in a brother/sister type of relationship.

      The best friendships between exes happen after a large gap in time where both people have fallen in love with others and completely moved on.

      People who refuse to "let go" don't want to move on!

      They often are known for "romanticizing the past" and ignoring all the issues that led to their breakup. Some folks even convince themselves that their ex was their "soul-mate".

      There is a whole industry out there making money giving people advice on "How to get your ex back!"

      A few things to keep in mind:

      In order for your (ex) to be "the one" they would have see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa).

      Breakups happen for a reason!

      1. Someone realizes they have chosen the wrong mate for them self.

      2. They got together for the wrong reasons.

      3. They grew apart over time or stopped wanting the same things.

      Truth be told when it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success! Very few people meet their "soul-mate" the first time up at bat. If this were not the case we'd all be married to our high school sweethearts!

      This planet has over 7 Billion people on it!

      Odds are in everyone's favor there are more than a few people who would make an ideal mate for any of us! That man or woman you feel you can't live without just know this; There are Billions of people who do exactly that every single day! Before you met him/her you were one of us!

      Every ending is a new beginning!

      “Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” — unknown

      “I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.” – unknown

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