Terrible ways to break up with someone

As someone who has been through way too many break-ups to not be able to buy a glass of wine, I feel I've become an expert of ways NOT to break up with someone.

1. Voicemail.You call to break up with her and she doesn't pick up. Instead of waiting for a returning phone call at a more convenient time, you leave her a nice voice message, "I've been cheating on you." "We're better off as friends." "Can I come by and get my stuff?" The list goes on. As much as you think this is the easy way, that returning phone call is not going to be pleasant and you are not getting your stuff back, sir.

2. Text Message. This seems to be a common problem. In the age of texting, picture messaging, and instant messenger, the text message break up is running rampant, striking just about everyone. It makes me want to vomit. Don't do it. Just don't. It makes you look like a douche, and you're putting it in a written medium, therefore, she can show her friends how much of a douche you actually are.

3. Post-it. Most women my age are familiar with the episode of Sex and the City where Burger breaks up with Carey via post-it. Guys, don't do this. Ever. Just don't.

4. Anywhere around Sharp Objects. This is just a safety precaution. Girls/Guys go crfazy during break-ups and quite frankly, heat of passion killings are considered manslaughter so be careful where you decide to do the deed.

5. In front of small children. In my experiences, break ups end in a very colorful vocabulary. Very colorful. Do the parents a favor and either buy the kids at the playground some ear muffs or keep your break ups away from children, lest their vocabularies grow ten fold and their trips to the principal's office during kindergarten sky-rocket.