Building Lasting Relationships With Effective Communication

By talking together, sharing hopes and dreams, and making plans, you and your partner build a relationship and learn about each other. And because sharing your thoughts and feelings generates intimacy and trust, communication is also the key to great sex.

Good communication is also the key to resolving love's inevitable little conflicts as well as avoiding the big ones that could destroy your relationship. Psychologists say it is important to be able to talk about your relationship, even about the unpleasant things. If you don't, or think you can't, you may have a relationship that seems smooth on the outside but lacks the deep understanding for long term harmony. And that can lead to trouble.

There's another reason why talk is essential. Scrapping traditional ideas about gender differences had its liberating side, but we may have gone too far. Not only do men and women communicate differently, but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently.

For example, have you noticed how, in relationships, women seem to crave intimacy and fear separation, while men want independence and fear becoming trapped? It appears that the more you want your own space, the harder your partner tries to hold you close. If you're going to get along with your wife or girlfriend, you obviously have to talk about this.

So talk to her. Tell her how you feel and what you need. Even more important - listen. Listen closely to what's important to her, what upsets her and what makes her happy. Really make an effort to hear what she's saying instead of projecting what you're thinking. For example try not to predict in what direction she's going with her conversation. If you think you know what she's going to say, you tend to hear that instead of what she's really saying.

In other words, give her a chance to talk about whatever she wants to talk about. It may not seem terribly important to you, but for her it is the lifeblood of the relationship.

It's not only the spoken word that's important in communicating - there are ways to "talk" without words. For example, fixing the sink or planning a holiday can be a way of communicating your feelings. Those are nice thoughts but they probably don't tell her what she most wants to hear. What works better? Try using your hands. A caress here, a hug there – these are good ways of expressing affection. Use touch to communicate, not just as an overture to sex.

A healthy sex life means different things for men and women. As one expert put it, men tolerate closeness in order to have intercourse, while women tolerate intercourse in order to have closeness.

A man's life outside the bedroom typically has little room either for tenderness or for passion. But to have a life inside the bedroom, he usually finds his heart is capable of opening up.

For most women, the process is reversed. Intimacy - creating closeness, warmth, trust - usually has to come first. When a woman feels secure in love, she is more likely to be ready to move towards sex.

So if you want great sex, these two approaches are going to have to be accommodated. Again, the solution is to talk - and not just about sex. Listen to her. Connect with her. And confide in her, too. That's also important. Tell her how you're feeling about your life and about the relationship.

If you're worried or hurting, don't hide it from her. Compared to you, she's an expert on feelings, and she's probably not afraid of them, either in herself or in you.

Sharing feelings with you is a turn-on for most women. So take it slowly. Cuddle her, and talk openly together. When you're both relaxed and comfortable, deep physical intimacy will almost be inevitable. Nobody's ever said that this is easy. It takes courage to talk about the things that are important in your relationship. And it takes courage on a daily basis.

However, if you can find the courage to open up to her, it will reap great rewards for the future of your relationship.

Does she take your arm when you're crossing the street? When you're talking, does she sit facing you, looking you in the eye, nodding, listening, smiling? Or does she gaze into the distance, her body slightly turned aside, arms folded protectively across her chest, legs crossed? You say you've never noticed? Well, you'd better. She's talking to you.

And, even when it doesn't seem like it, you're talking to her constantly. Before you speak a single word, she may have already taken in information about you from such things as the way you stand or walk, whether you hold yourself with confidence or slouch like a loser, whether your glance is gentle and kind or aggressive and predatory.

Experts say that as much as two-thirds of the information we convey is through body language. Some signals, such as the defensive stance of crossed arms and legs, are pretty obvious and universal. But there are highly individual "dialects", too. Whether we're aware of it or not, our bodies betray our moods all the time.

Let's face it. Women are more skilled at talking things over than we are, especially when your relationship is the topic. So even if you want to do the right thing and open up your mouth as well as your heart, it's not easy. So how can you overcome this problem? One psychiatrist suggests the following approaches to breaking the verbal ice. Try them.

• Understand that talking and expressing your feelings are very important to her, so she'll probably appreciate your effort no matter what.
• Just start talking. It's better to begin somewhere than to wait for the "best" way to begin.
• Beat around the bush. If a subject is particularly touchy or uncomfortable, it's okay to talk about a related topic and work your way towards the real one.
• Make progress. It's just like weight training. Start with conversation that's challenging but not overwhelming. Then work your way up to the heavy stuff.

Remember: A happy, healthy relationship hinges on good communication.

Fighting isn't communicating. And out-of-control anger does no good and plenty of harm. A sex therapist has suggested the following action plan for keeping your temper in check when discussing problems with your loved one. To help you remember, the first letters spell out the word "Rethink".

Recognize Your Emotion

Are you really feeling angry or is your anger just filling in for something else such as fear or shame?

Empathize With Her

Try to see things from your partner's perspective. Step back from your temper and try your hardest to step into her shoes.

Think

Is it your partner who is making you angry or just the way you are thinking about what she said or what she did? Try thinking about the situation differently. Finding humor in it may be the best way of approaching it.

Hear

Learn to hear the feeling of what she's saying as well as the content. Repeat what you heard to see if you really understood it.

Integrate

What you're integrating is love and respect with the issue in dispute. Let her know that angry feelings will not break the bonds of love.

Notice

Pay attention to the physiological changes in your body as you get angry. They could be such things as an increased heart rate, change in breathing, headaches, stomach pains or muscle tension. Noticing your body's reactions can help you learn how to bring-yourself under control.

Keep to the Problem

Don't bring up old grudges. Focus on the issue that's causing the problem so you can come up with possible solutions and alternatives.