But...Why do I still care??
Come on, admit it, this is a question you have asked yourself at least once in your love life if not 100 times. The inspiration to this hub has come to me in light of two separate instances, one outside of my personal experience, the other… Very personal. During one of my private counseling sessions (they’re free, I am not licensed, but, ONCE AGAIN, people feel I am a resourceful font of information when it comes to relationships and how to deal with them…Bah!) A dear friend of mine asked me why, despite the fact that he had been cheated on and awfully lied to by the woman he’s struggling to leave behind, he still cares for her and wishes she'd suddenly change into Ms. Perfection (utopia, I know) from day to day, or even better from minute to minute. The other instance…Sigh! Yeah, yeah, same old same old, applies to me and the nasty individual I was dating on and off this past summer.
Both these two situations differ greatly in the way they originated and developed, but they have one important factor in common: both of the “crime perpetrators” were scumbags who never deserved the right to be treated as good as they were by their “victims”, but somehow in their imaginary world thought it was their righteous prerogative to go around and publicly take a dump on them as if that were the way society works. The victims were left behind with the choice to accept UNACCEPTABLE behavior or just disappear. See, there is a lesson to be learned after being abused by people whose ethical standards leave much to be desired; however, some of us do not learn and keep on going in vicious circles where what’s at stake is basically our entire concept of self respect and our right to happiness and self assurance. So why do we still care? After all, the woman my friend is fighting for is a mediocre looking, morally rotten cheater and liar who has been playing mind games with him for the past year, going back and forth between two different men. Shall I add she also has children who assist to her corrupted behavior and to whom she’s supposed to provide guidance in the way she relates to other people? In my case, instead, we are referring to some dude who has a just plain deplorable way to interact with people, who, somehow, retains the right to speak to them in terms that, for the respect of the people who read my blog I won’t repeat (but you should know they include ethnic slurs and sexually discriminatory terms), who uses the concept of lie to gain the right to be on top of every game, and who has always been extremely unsuccessful in every aspect of life, including but not limited to (lol!) having issues with the law and medical conditions nobody should be proud of (and, no dude, not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, trust me).
Yet, at some point, and very partially even now, we still care for what these people do and what they're are up to nowaday. But, why do we still care? I mean, honestly, this people are what society usually deems as “losers” and there is very little to be expected from them. The reason why we somehow still care to know has very little to do with them and everything to do with ourselves and what they represent in our life. They embody defeat, ego wounds, and failure to succeed. Oftentimes, their viciousness happens within the boundaries of their own failure and insecurities, experiences they had to endure themselves at some point in life (often recently) and for which they look for redemption. Even more often, this type of behavior occurs within the boundaries of more serious mental health conditions, which can go from something as easy as accumulated stress, to undiagnosed mental illnesses (which I think applies to that same individual I’m referring to. Yes, I am talking about partial insanity and the incapability to deal with emotions in a balanced way). The common characteristic I have noticed in these people is that they are excellent at discriminating among their victims. The person on the other side of the fence (us) usually feels powerless in dealing with their mind games, and somehow, at some point, even feels it may be his own fault they are treated with disrespect and hatred. Don’t worry peeps, it’s all part of the plan. You could even say they have a specific technique to turn the game around so that you are the one who is always losing. They, in fact, never take responsibility for their own faults, but skillfully manipulate them so that in the end it’s always your fault. For example, you wanna apologize for something you feel responsible for? Bad idea. Not only will your apology not matter at all, but you’ll find you are also giving grounds to your abuser for further mistreatment to be perpetrated. Literally, it’s impossible to win this wicked game, so just give up because there is NOTHING to win and everything to lose. Don’t leave without giving them a piece of your mind though! In my case, I tried to be as understanding and patient as I could manage to be for the longest time, but when the game unraveled and I was being openly called nasty names I didn’t deserve, I let it ALL out, man, and, if he were to come back for second round, I’d have some more to add to the pile. They can’t always get lucky (a.k.a. I’ll tell you the way it is if you really insist).
So you’ve found out that your ex has found someone new to harass and you feel even more crushed and injured now. Don’t fret, no really, don’t. Remember the same way they lured you in? All the attention, the phone calls, the texts, the wanting to be with you 24/7, the desire to make you happy, the wanting to show you off to all friends and coworkers (well, in his case even more because he is an overweight, mediocre looking asshole, and I am physically attractive and fabulous, Ah!!). Yes, it’s another technique. So if you see that suddenly he/she went from not having a second to text you or five minutes to give you a quick call, to bombarding this new chick/ dude with facebook comments and status updates and you think it’s unfair, please assume they’ve moved on to their next victim and the game will be run in the same exact way. It’s ALL part of the plan. It may not be as quick, and there may be some variances, but the gist and the heart of the matter is exactly the same: I think I spotted a loser!!! Usually these people are also characterized by the incapability to maintain long and committed relationships (but not always, beware).
In conclusion, if you, too, spotted a loser and wonder why you still care, please remember that these are not ordinary, mentally healthy and emotionally complete people. They are NOT looking for love, they’re only looking for a way to please themselves, and when the whole moment of glory (theirs) is over, you or whoever else it is they’re digging their claws into, will not mean a thing. It’s all a win or lose game, and you can bet you have been expressly chosen from the very beginning to lose the game, so don’t feel bad because you had no clue about it. Obviously, there will be a lot of disappointment and ego pain involved because YOU are a good, nurturing and honest person and you were hoping for success in this relationship, but trust me, you are the real loser only if you accept the terms and conditions of the game (which are basically, they are always right and you are always wrong). The very same friend who is struggling with a mentally abusive relationship lately asked me how I was able to move on. My answer was short and to the point: I am naturally a winner. In life, like in everything else, I want to be able to win; I need to feel like I am at least given a chance to win. It ultimately comes to a crossroads: purposely choosing to be in a shitty relationship were you KNOW you are constantly losing; or gamble and taking a chance to win the person who’ll constantly make you feel like a winner.
I’ll gamble cause I want to win.
© 2010 Roberta S