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Can someone tell me how to grow up

Updated on August 25, 2016

The Experts curse

I’ve been trying to grow up a lot lately. I mean like literally become a grown up if you know what I mean. When I turned 23 my brain went into overdrive and I had some of the most debauched, crazy living of my life. Most of it was in private thank God. I was single, idle, had a good track record for bad decisions, and oodles of cash. Yes I said oodles. I did whatever came to mind and tried and tried and tried to see how far I could go. I kept my demons nice and watered with alcohol so they could keep a lid on my conscience. When I got bored, I would get in the car late at night and drive to the highway to play 10. I don’t know if I invented the game, but I certainly haven’t heard anyone else play or mention it. The premise is you get up to 80 km/h in the middle lane, then you close your eyes and see how far up to 10 you can count. To be “safe” the only rules were I never played when I was inebriated, or during the day. The closest I ever got was 8 and I opened my eyes just to keep from peeing my pants. It is honestly a miracle I didn’t kill anyone. I didn’t even get a fender bender. I don’t even know why I stopped playing that game though. Nothing “cosmic” happened that I could have taken as a sign to stop. I just knew when to quit I guess. That year came and went I started to try to decipher growing up. Who knew it would be so much work? I honestly thought that I would go to sleep when I was 17 and wake up a grown up at 18. Same went for when I was turning 21. So in the end I never did figure out that one step that would change it all. I think I finally figured out why I can’t find the answers. In the meantime though, I cultivated the image that I’m your run-of-the-mill dashing young man with a bright future ahead of him. While this is true it has nothing to do with how I cracked the code. To be fair I haven’t cracked the code so much as figured out why I can’t. It’s definitely because I know too much. So much that I can’t objectively figure out where what is. Plus there’s always everyone chiming in with you ought/you should/you must/ and so and so. I’d honestly like to turn over daily live to the stars but astrology is a bunch of baloney. Then there’s that thing at this church I used to work at where they say “surrender your whole life to Christ.” I mean, I understand the words, just not what I’m supposed to do about the day to day. Trusting fate is always an option but I’m way too impatient for that. The only option left is to make a list of things/places/people I want to do and just work through it. I don’t know why the rest of you became grownups but I did it so I’d have time for things like that.

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