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Can A Man Change?

Updated on March 16, 2015
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

Wondering if a man can change seems to be the question that many women talk about amongst their friends. Let’s be clear, Any-one can change—including a man, if they want to, more so if they are not expected to or forced.

Let's get something straight, trying to change a man, is completely different from a man changing because He wants too. If you're entering a relationship with the idea of changing a guy—Stop! Why date a guy that you have already found things that you want to change before the relationship begins? That is not a solid way of starting out a great relationship or making one successful.

There is a huge difference between dating a guy who right off the bat seems to be your ideal man, but then things come up—like in any relationship, that aren't working, versus choosing a man who you know is not the best fit for you (he's a player, cheater, married, etc.)—but you start a relationship with him anyway—thinking that you can change him. Yikes!

Dating is already hard enough, let alone thinking that you have the ability (or sole magic) to completely change the core of who a guy is. Please get off your high horse; you are only setting yourself up for drama and disappointment.

The change I'm referring to, is when a guy’s behavioral patterns—lack of communication, he can't seem to find time to see you, he starts to create distance, or all of a sudden becomes really "busy," cause a major shift in the dynamic of how your relationship use to be. Since this tends to happen more often than not, is he willing to work on these things in order to continue the relationship and be with you or not?

Unfortunately, there are many relationships that start and end the same way….

Guy woos girl—plans dates, calls a lot, brings flower, etc.

Girl falls for guy—gets into a relationship with him. The relationship they have is the greatest relationship she has ever been in—sex is great, communication is great, connection and chemistry is amazing. Yay! Then....

Guy pulls away from girl—stops communication, can't find time to see girl.

Girl talks to guy—no change.

Guy continues to do whatever keeps upsetting girl.

Girl talks to guy (Again), still no change. Girl dumps guy.

Weeks/months later....guy begs for girl back—claiming he's changed.

Girl wants to believe him—so she takes him back.

Guy does all the right things (for a few weeks/months) wooing her back.

Guy eventually goes back to doing whatever was originally making girl unhappy.

Girl dumps guy—Again! This time girl has learned her lesson (you would think, but not always). Great.

It's important to keep the communication open when something isn't working. If a guy is doing something that you don't like or if he is suddenly creating a new pattern that you are not happy about—be open to talking about it. Sometimes, a guy doesn't realize that he's falling into a pattern that is creating distance, especially if he's never told. Unfortunately, many women find themselves afraid to open up about things that aren't making them happy—in fear of losing a guy.

Do you really want to be with a guy that you are so fearful of losing that you can't communicate with? Aren’t your needs important too? Why not think about what You want and need and have the expectations that your man will want to figure this out in order to strengthen your relationship and be with you.

When you enter into a relationship with a guy, there are things that you definitely sign up for and things that you don't. This is usually determined by how well you get along, the talks that you have and what you have in common. Are you on the same future page? Depending on your expectations, this is defined differently for each guy. Like I said, things are bound to arise—because no relationship is perfect, creating a few emotional bumps along the way. When this occurs is he willing to work with you to create a smoother experience?

The test of any relationship is after the "honeymoon" stage dissipates and issues arise, does he listen and change or does he listen and stay the same?

I was in a relationship with a guy who obviously did not care about my feelings. When I tried to talk to him about his emotional exit that I was feeling from our relationship, he acted like he was listening and understood, but made no effort to change the situation. In fact, things kept getting worse.

We went from seeing a lot of each other, having planned dates, and both of us making an effort…then a complete 180! He was too busy to see me, never planning dates or even time, thus our relationship suffered and was put on a complete hold. After several weeks, (more than I should have even giving him) of dealing with his absence from our relationship, and too many conversations I tried to have with him, I ended things.

It was very clear to me that this guy was not in a relationship with me for the long haul. A guy who truly cares about me wouldn’t continue to do things that are upsetting to me. More importantly, he's not going to "listen" and continue to do nothing about it. This type of guy was selfish, very self-centered and narcissistic...or wait, that's all the same thing. Of course, I didn’t fully realize this until months later when I decided to give him a second chance. His presentation for changed should have received a Grammy it was so believable.

Here's the thing, most change doesn't occur overnight, and true change takes work to keep it going...

It only took seven weeks, from the day I decided to give my ex a second chance before he went back to his old selfish, inconsiderate ways. You see, not all men really want to change. That's why it tends to be temporarily until he gets what he wants or needs.

This time around when things had ended with my ex, there was a huge sense of relief. The overall experience made me emotionally stronger. Yes, I could have wasted time being upset with myself for taking him back, but at the end of it all, giving him a second chance re-confirmed that he was definitely not the right guy for me. It also confirmed that he was not willing to work on anything to benefit our relationship—including himself, and that is not the type of guy that I see a future with. Once I realized this, I felt a deeper closure in my heart.

When a guy changes, it won’t be just temporarily—until he gets what he wants or possibly to win you back to suffice his ego. If true change really exists, it will not alter after a few weeks or months—it will be permanent.

Creating distance, lack of communication or not finding time to see you, won’t happen from a guy who truly cares about you. Instead, he will do everything in his power to be with you—making room for you in his life. He will treat you as one of the most important people in his life and not rank you low on his priority list. He will value your feelings, not disregard them. There won't be games, endless conversation going around and around about wanting to spend more time together, because he will already be making the time. He won't fight against not change what's not working, instead he will work hard at changing the things that aren't—including himself.

Ladies, relationships are not about trying to change man. If a man truly cares about you, he will work on things that are not benefiting your relationship (and hopefully you are doing the same). You should never ask a guy to change; your concerns should be enough for a guy to change on his own, if you are important enough to him. If he’s not willing to change his actions in order to be with you, he is not the right guy, and never will be. Listen to the Red Flags!

Bottom-line, you deserve a man that really listens and respects your feelings—doing everything in his power to make you feel important and change any behavior that isn't working. If he's unwilling, that's OK. Value yourself enough to change the direction of your relationship....which includes him, not in it.

P.S. If you enjoy my writing, please help me become more known by clicking on the links above—Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn, and following me here on HubPages. I appreciate it! Sending you light and love! ;)


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    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 years ago from Chicago

      Excellent point Mary RB.

      If someone has to "change" who they are in order to make a relationship work then it's a clear sign they're with the "wrong person"!

      Very few people are walking around with one hand held up in the air screaming: 'I'm looking for someone to change me!"

      We're better off investing our time trying to find someone who (already is) the kind of person we want to be with. Save the "projects" for school. :)

      Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine!

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them as is or move on. The choice is up to us!

    • profile image

      Mary RB 

      5 years ago

      Truer words were never spoken. If you do not like someone's behavior you cannot and should not make them change. They are who they are. If you are in a relationship and you feel that certain behaviors are negatively impacting this relationship, then a serious discussion is definitely in order but the woman also needs to be able to listen and change whatever behavior she is exhibiting that is distasteful to the man. But the bottom line is a woman--and women tend towards this trait more so than men--should never believe that she can change a man for the better. It does not work; it has never worked; and she is in for a lot of grief if she pursues this route. If his behavior bothers you now and you cannot come to a meeting of the minds by both of you, it will only get worse. As the article stated, you, the woman, need to move on.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 years ago from Chicago

      Voted up and useful!

      "Any-one can change—including a man, if they want to." Says it all!

      The reality is most relationships began with an "infatuation phase". During this period both people are bending over backwards to impress the object of their affection. The happiness of their mate is their top priority. The word "no" is seldom if ever used by either party.

      Naturally this leads one to believe they've met their "soul-mate" - again!

      The reality is takes up to several months before people reveal their "authentic selves". Emotionally investing in a relationship too soon is loving someone you don't know!

      A lot people think it's unrealistic to maintain that level of romance. They believe commitment means you get to RELAX your efforts.

      People do this with new jobs, cars, and relationships. In the beginning they're on their best behavior and once they get used to something they fall back onto what is their normal. People only "change" when (they) are unhappy.

    • Miss-Adventures profile imageAUTHOR

      Stephanie Bailey 

      5 years ago from Denver

      Thank you so much Deborah Demander.

      I write to help others on their journey to love/relationships---hopefully giving better clarity and understanding.

      Thank you again for reading and commenting. :)

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander Reno 

      5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      This is a great article. Thank you for writing it. It gives me some very clear guidelines about where my relationship is heading.



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