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Can We Let Go Of Past Heartbreaks?

Updated on January 25, 2016
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

Letting go of past heartbreaks can be more challenging than you might have anticipated...

So often we let our past heartbreaks determine what our future relationships will look like—unconsciously keeping us from moving forward. If we have had unsuccessful relationships—one after another—then it can be easy to think that lasting love will never find us—and if it does, it won't work since none of our other relationships have. Change your attitude. You can be in a relationship that will work out and last—as long as you can let go of all your past heartbreaks.

Heartbreak is a crappy feeling and an even more heart-wrenching experience to move on from. Wallowing in the past will only detain future love from coming. Not letting go of past heartbreaks also releases energy out to the Universe that you Don't deserve a great partner in your life. Stop holding on to this negative energy. Learn from the past and hold on to the positive things that you Do want in a future relationship—let go of everything that didn't work—know that there is a relationship for you that will.

Past heartbreaks can also skew our judgment when it comes to attracting a life partner who makes us feel safe, secure, worthy, appreciated, unconditionally loved, and supported. We know we want these things but will immediately forfeit them due to devaluing our own self-worth.

Why is it that we can easily put all the blame on our significant other for their misgivings and never realize that we are also part of the problem? Would you have attracted someone so similar to your exes if you had fully mended your heart? Think about it…can you really blame someone for their actions when you continue to decide (because it is your decision) to deal with them?

Not letting go of past heartbreaks will cause us to attract the wrong type of relationships or the complete opposite—running to the hills to prevent any heartbreak from occurring again. Either scenario, our judgment is clouded—like deciding that we really like or dislike someone when we're sloppily drunk. Yikes! Unless we are aware that we are still holding on to past heartbreaks then how can we be truly open to love?

10 Clues that we are still dealing with past heartbreaks:

  1. You still think of your ex—often
  2. You talk about your ex—often
  3. All of your relationships have very similar Red Flags
  4. You compare your current relationship to your past relationship(s)
  5. You don't feel like you will ever find successful lasting love
  6. You still get emotional when you talk about your ex and/or see them
  7. The second a problem occurs in a relationship you are ready to run away
  8. You’re self-sabotaging your current relationship(s)
  9. You're not seeing the true core of why your relationships are failing
  10. You’re afraid to get into a new relationship—you avoid them

It's important to emotionally deal with the heartbreaks we experience so that we can have full clarity of what we really want as well as what's not realistically working (for longevity) so that we can consciously be on the path for a healthy relationship. Having this emotional capacity to not let fear be the deciding factor of our love life is huge.

When you have unresolved emotional baggage, it becomes easy to accept relationships that you know deep down inside aren't ever-lasting. I get it, it feels great to finally say out loud that you have met someone special or to label someone your significant other, boyfriend or girlfriend—regardless of all the major Red Flags that you have seen—but continue to sugar coat with excuses. And, once you are in a relationship that isn't working organically like other people around you, it can be easy to let your ego take the lead by staying in this challenging relationship to prove everyone else wrong. Why? Don’t you want to be really happy?

How can we get beyond thinking that our past heartbreaks define our current status? More importantly…how can we keep our past heartbreaks from sustaining us in relationships that we're not completely happy in?

Holding on to past heartbreaks isn't healthy. Until you grieve, let go, and Forgive, your past heartbreaks will be your heavy baggage dragging you down an unhappy road...

A close friend of mine has experienced several relationships that have ended in unexpected heartbreak. She went into these relationships with full disclosure of herself and what she wanted, however she unfortunately was not given the same respect in return. Since many of her past relationships regarded men who were not honest with her, she internally believes that she will never find a man who can be truthful with her—unconsciously attracting untruthful men. Until she can fully deal with the emotional baggage from her past relationships she will continue to experience potential heartbreak.

So often we think that by moving on to a new relationship it will soften the loss of our old relationship and therefore not cause us any pain. However, we usually end up dragging that past pain into our new relationships, therefore, creating those same experiences that we didn't want. If you don't take the time to heal properly from your broken relationships than you are setting yourself up for self-sabotaging outcomes. Is it a coincidence that you keep dating people that are emotionally unavailable or who don't want to fully commit or who are untrustworthy?

Often, the confusing part—usually half the time we are looking more so for a companion—not evaluating if that person is even the right one. Our desire to not be alone turns into having a replacement person for comfort or distraction. A distraction from our pain, from our failure, as well as the loss of our relationship. Most importantly, distracting us from working on ourselves and what we deserve…not realizing until we get too involved that we have recreated past heartbreak experiences all over again. Ugh!

In order to let go of past heartbreaks, you first need to acknowledge that they even exist. Then, you need to take ownership of your part in the demise (we all have a part—even if it’s minor). Lastly, you need to not only forgive your ex but also yourself. Send love out to the situation…but more importantly, to yourself—release your pain to the Universe. Once you can release and let go...truly let go, you have a greater chance for finding meaningful lasting love and ending the heartbreak cycle once and for all!

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 16 months ago

      Great advice!

      Another sign that you're not over an ex is when you keep looking for them in other people.

      "Why is it that we can easily put all the blame on our significant other for their misgivings and never realize that we are also part of the problem? Would you have attracted someone so similar to your exes if you had fully mended your heart? "

      I don't think we have any control over who is "attracted to us" but we do have a choice when it comes to who we engage with or say "yes" to.

      People who insist upon playing the "blame game" are likely to keep making the same choices over and over again because they don't take responsibility for (their) choices. It was always something wrong with the guy/girl!

      If you keep getting "blindsided" or taken advantage of it's probably time to re-examine your mate selection criteria.

      The only thing all of your bad relationships have in common is (you)!

      Ultimately all of our heartaches and bad dating experiences are designed to teach us how to become "better shoppers"!

      When we change our circumstances change.

    • profile image

      MaryRB 16 months ago

      Very good observations. Letting go of things in life that no longer serve us works not only for past relationships but experiences in general.

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