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Can We Let Go Of Past Heartbreaks?

Updated on July 2, 2017
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

Letting go of our past heartbreaks can be more challenging than we might anticipate...

So often we let our past heartbreaks determine what our future relationships will look like—unconsciously keeping us from moving forward. If we have had unsuccessful relationships—one after another—then it can be easy to think that lasting love will never find us—and if it does, it won't last or work since none of our other relationships have. Change your attitude.

We can find and be in a relationship that will work out (and last)—as long as we can let go of our past heartbreaks.

Having your heart feel broken can be devastating and emotionally hard to move on from. However, wallowing in the past will only detain future love from coming. Not letting go of past heartbreaks will also release energy out to the Universe that you do not deserve a great partner in your life. Stop holding on to this negative energy, it is not serving your life. Learn from your past and hold on to the positive things that you do want in a future relationship. Let go of everything that has not work—believe that there is a relationship for you that will.

Past heartbreaks can also skew our judgment when it comes to attracting a life partner who makes us feel safe, secure, worthy, appreciated, unconditionally loved, and supported with him. We know we want these things, but will immediately forfeit them due to devaluing our own self-worth.

Why is it that we can easily put all of the blame on our significant other for their misgivings and never realize we are also part of the problem? Would you have attracted someone like your exes if you had fully mended your heart? Think about it…can we blame someone for their actions when we continue to decide (because it is our decision) to deal with them?

Not letting go of past heartbreaks will cause us to attract the wrong type of relationships or the complete opposite—running to the hills to prevent any heartbreak from occurring again. Either scenario, our judgment is clouded—like deciding that we "really" like or dislike someone when we're sloppily drunk. Yikes! Unless we are aware that we are still holding on to past hurt then how can we be truly open to love?

10 Clues that we are still dealing with past heartbreaks:

  • You still think of your ex—often
  • You talk about your ex—often
  • All your relationships have similar Red Flags
  • You compare your current relationship to your past relationship(s)
  • You do not feel like you will ever find successful lasting love
  • You still get emotional when you talk about your ex and/or see them
  • The second a problem occurs in a relationship you are ready to run away
  • You’re self-sabotaging your current relationship(s)
  • You're not seeing the true core of why your relationships are failing
  • You’re afraid to get into a new relationship—you avoid them

It is important to emotionally deal with any past hurt we have experienced so that we can have full clarity of what we genuinely want. This will also help us to determine what is or is not realistically working (for longevity) so that we can consciously be on the path for a healthy relationship. Obtaining this capacity within to not let fear be the deciding factor of our love life is huge.

When we have unresolved emotional baggage, it becomes easy to accept relationships that we know deep down inside aren't ever-lasting.

I get it, it feels great to finally say out loud that you have met someone special or to label someone as your significant other, boyfriend or girlfriend—regardless of all the major Red Flags that you have seen, but continue to sugar coat with excuses. And, once you are in a relationship that is not working organically like other people around you, it can be easy to let your ego take the lead by staying in this challenging relationship to prove everyone else wrong. Why? Don’t you want to be happy?

How can we get beyond thinking that our past heartbreaks define our current status? More importantly, how can we keep our past heartbreaks from containing us in relationships that we are not completely happy in?

Holding on to past hurt is not healthy. Until we grieve, let go, and forgive, our past heartbreaks will end up being our heavy baggage dragging us down an unhappy road...

A close friend of mine has experienced several relationships that have ended in unexpected heartbreak. She went into these relationships with full disclosure of herself and what she wanted, however she unfortunately was not given the same respect in return.

Since many of her past relationships regarded men who were not honest with her, she internally believed she would never find a man who could possibly be truthful with her—unconsciously attracting untruthful men. Yikes! Unfortunately, until she was willing to fully deal with the emotional baggage from her past relationships, she would continue to experience potential disappointment in future relationships.

So often we think that by moving on to a new relationship, this will soften the loss of our unsuccessful relationships—and therefore not cause us any pain. However, we usually end up dragging that past pain into our new relationships, therefore creating those same experiences we did not want.

If we do not take the time to heal properly from our broken relationships than we are setting ourselves up for self-sabotaging outcomes. Is it a coincidence that we keep dating people that are emotionally unavailable or who don't want to fully commit or who are untrustworthy?

This often happens when we frantically start looking for a companion without evaluating if that person is even the right one. Our desperation to not be alone can cause us to get involved with replacement people for comfort or distraction.

A distraction from our pain, from our failure, as well as the loss of our relationship. Most importantly, distracting us from working on ourselves and what we deserve—not realizing until we get too involved we have recreated past heartbreak experiences all over again. Ugh!

To let go of past heartbreaks, we first need to acknowledge they even exist. Then, we need to take ownership of our part in the demise (we all have a part—even if it’s minor). Lastly, we need to not only forgive our ex, but also ourselves. Send love out to the situation, but more importantly, to yourself. Release your pain to the Universe.

Bottom line, once we can release and let go...truly let go, we have a greater chance for finding meaningful lasting love and ending the heartbreak cycle once and for all!

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    • profile image

      MaryRB 22 months ago

      Very good observations. Letting go of things in life that no longer serve us works not only for past relationships but experiences in general.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 22 months ago

      Great advice!

      Another sign that you're not over an ex is when you keep looking for them in other people.

      "Why is it that we can easily put all the blame on our significant other for their misgivings and never realize that we are also part of the problem? Would you have attracted someone so similar to your exes if you had fully mended your heart? "

      I don't think we have any control over who is "attracted to us" but we do have a choice when it comes to who we engage with or say "yes" to.

      People who insist upon playing the "blame game" are likely to keep making the same choices over and over again because they don't take responsibility for (their) choices. It was always something wrong with the guy/girl!

      If you keep getting "blindsided" or taken advantage of it's probably time to re-examine your mate selection criteria.

      The only thing all of your bad relationships have in common is (you)!

      Ultimately all of our heartaches and bad dating experiences are designed to teach us how to become "better shoppers"!

      When we change our circumstances change.