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Change Laws

Updated on October 3, 2012
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One of the major problems in Indian households is the feud between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Though there is an increasing number of nuclear families in cities, the towns and villages still have joint families in place. In Indian tradition the bride, after marriage, should go and live in her husband's house, serving her in-laws.

With problems like Dowri prevalent, it is very common that problems exist between the mother-in-law and the bride. Irrespective of the nature of the women in the relationship, the mother-in-law - daughter-in-law relationship is always strained. Women who are generally more emotional and sentimental than men tend to take things faster to their heart and get offended easily. They also tend to give it back immediately.

Mothers who are generally attached more to their sons, feel possessive when the son gets more attached to another woman and this in turn causes hatred towards the daughter-in-law. Men are caught in between the two women of their lives with both of them burdening him with expectations from their end.

With the obvious generation gap and no basic love/affection in place, only the duty of taking care of the husband's parents in place, the daughter-in-law also finds it cumbersome to adapt and adjust. thus ending in fights and quarrels.

In Indian culture apart from the tradition of the bride accepting the husband's family and home as hers, it is also considered a shame if the bride groom settles down in his wife's house. The groom who decides to make his wife's home his home, is treated like vermin by the other members of the society.

Thinking about the reason for this, men being the bread winners of the family are always considered superior, thus mothers want to hold their sons tight. Thus, it should be women who would have initially framed the rule of the bride settling in the groom's house. The irony of the situation being, every mother-in-law would have been a daughter-in-law at one point in time.

The main purpose of a joint family is to take care of parents in their old age and get ideas from their experience. With all the problems between the women in the family, the whole idea of a joint family seems to be old-fashioned. What could be the logical solution for this problem, keeping in mind that it is indeed important to let parents have a peaceful and healthy old age?

It seems to be a better idea for the groom to make his home with his in-laws. Given the fact that women are women and men are men and that generation gap will exist between parents and children always, the problems will continue to exist between the mother and daughter also. The advantages are more here, with the husband left in peace not having to take sides or decide "Who is right/wrong".

Being mother and daughter, the underlying love and bonding is strong enough for the women to come out of the feud by forgetting and forgiving easily. This easily solves the problem of mutual troubles caused by the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, with more peace for everyone in the family!

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    • profile image

      DD 4 years ago

      @Rajan: Chances granted. it's time to do the introspection and correct yourselves!

    • profile image

      DD 4 years ago

      My Namaskarams! Looks like the bloggers missed me! Here i am!

      Was at thirunallaru Sani Bhagawan temple praying hard ..for souls like OTEE & Rajan, who is somewhere in the web hidden behind bots, crawlers or Viruses

      @Kumar: Very well framed

      @Deepika: Appreciate your response.

      @OTTA..sorry OTEE...Wha..wha...wha.. What a fantastic find. You should definitely be rewarded for this and also @Rajan for seconding his thoughts!

      Looks like you both are known to Ms Deepika very well and shouting it out to the entire world saying "UNDOUBTEDLY....DD & Kumar are personally known to Deepika! Otherwise they wouldn't guess it this accurate!" LOL

      I sincerely don't agree with Ms Deepika's view points of a groom settling in his in-laws...probably because, I belong to a generation before and a different school of thought and definitely don't see a reason beyond it.

      I would rather assume that only people who know her would actually agree with this melodramatic rubbish!

      @Rajan...ungala sathiyama nallavarnu sollavae illeeeengooooo!

    • C.V.Rajan profile image

      Disillusioned 4 years ago from Kerala, India

      "Neenga romba nallavaru................" nnu sollittangala?!

    • Deepika Arun profile image
      Author

      Deepika Arun 4 years ago from Chennai, India

      Veera vaazhkaila idhellam sagajamappa! ;)

    • C.V.Rajan profile image

      Disillusioned 4 years ago from Kerala, India

      Hi Otee,

      True. It was obvious!

      In a public forum like this, we have to accept them. That's why Deepika has accepted the comments and made it visible to all. (If she thought otherwise, she could have deleted these comments!).

      Any how, if some elements in these criticisms are true, it is all the more welcome. It is a chance for us to do introspection and do corrections within ourselves.

      Thanks for the comment.

      C.V.

    • OTEE profile image

      OTEE 4 years ago from India

      I do not think that both Kumar and DD are responding in this manner because the idea in the Hub is revolutionary or counter-culture. I think that it is a personal attack on Deepika. I wouldn't be surprised if it were by someone who knows her personally.

    • C.V.Rajan profile image

      Disillusioned 4 years ago from Kerala, India

      Interesting comments, observations and extrapolations by DD and Kumar!

      Time tested practices, when questioned logically, will always get sharp replies and its' natural.

      I can cite another example. In Brahmin families, it is customary to do "poonool" (Brahmopadesam) to boys at young age. It was a vedic tradition when Brahmins were the protectors and propagators of Veda and their only occupation was that. They were not supposed to be in employment, do any other work, lead a frugal life, ideally get their foods by begging, and spend the day in God contemplation. They learn the secret of Brahman through the upadesa of the father and this initiation is done formally at very young age. It was the initiation of a life of lofty ideals.

      What is the present day situation? 99% of Brahmins do every thing else except learning Veda. They are stooped in outright materialism. Many present day brahmin boys eat non-veg. Some drink liquor. They go abroad (which is prohibited as per shatra) and earn to become filthy rich. They sub serve foreigners (who were treated as 'milecha' by the ancient) for livelihood.

      Thus the very significance of wearing poonool and Brahmopadesam had become defunct long long ago. But still almost 100% of Brahmins do this function with lots of pride and fanfare. Majority of the boys virtually stop doing Sandhya vandhanam from very next day onwards!

      When you ask "Is it not outright meaningless?" in the present day, people would pounce on you and accuse you of questioning the time tested traditions!

      The world is like that.

    • Deepika Arun profile image
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      Deepika Arun 4 years ago from Chennai, India

      @oceanuniverse,

      It is indeed sad for some women in India (both mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws) especially in the rural side.

    • Deepika Arun profile image
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      Deepika Arun 4 years ago from Chennai, India

      @Ganesh,

      I don't watch serials at all! Maybe I should to get the idea in the hub reiterated better! ;)

      Cheers,

      Deepika :)

    • Deepika Arun profile image
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      Deepika Arun 4 years ago from Chennai, India

      @DD and Kumar,

      The hub seems to be quite general and does not seem to have any connection with me or my family, leave alone my school! Also, FYI, I stay with my in-laws! :)

      The hub just presents an alternate view, with no specific dig on any specific someone! So, no personal feelings! :)

      Thanks for leaving your thoughts as comments! :)

      Regards,

      Deepika

    • oceanuniverse profile image

      oceanuniverse 4 years ago from California

      That is very sad for the women.

    • profile image

      Ganesh 4 years ago

      madam i think you are watching too many serials

    • profile image

      Kumar 4 years ago

      Think this is the trashiest blog ive read in awhile.

      Getting along with people depends on the individual and i can only wonder if u made an effort to get along with your mother in law. and sorry to say i pity your husband - since you firmly believe that if the women tell the men to shut up, they would. Bad bad lesson you would teach your kids - hoping you have none as of now. And since you are a teacher which i gathered from your other posts - i really wonder what your school would have to say to this post!

      inability to get along with people especially your in laws reflects only one thing - Up bringing!!!.

    • profile image

      DD 4 years ago

      'Veetoda maapillai' nu title kuduthirukalam!

      Would have been easier for even a lay man to understand without reading the contents.

      This blog shows how good a daughter-in-law you are...(pity your in-laws and UR SO CALLED HUBBY, if he is reading this)! ofcourse your parents are to be blamed for encouraging you to write such wierd blogs...and spoiling minds..being in such a society!

      So does this mean that your hubby is a Veetoda maapillae? Or through this you are conveying/ pursuing him to be one...?

      But reading your hub, you mentioned that your parents are in an ashram. So you both are in an Ashram too? If you are still not, its time to leave...

    • OTEE profile image

      OTEE 4 years ago from India

      " ... if the women ask them to shut up, they have to" LOL at that. :D

    • Deepika Arun profile image
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      Deepika Arun 4 years ago from Chennai, India

      I know! :)

    • Deepika Arun profile image
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      Deepika Arun 4 years ago from Chennai, India

      @Otee: Interesting Read :) I feel, the conflict between son-in-law and father-in-law will not affect anyone, if the women ask them to shut up, they have to! ;)

    • C.V.Rajan profile image

      Disillusioned 4 years ago from Kerala, India

      That's a sound idea that I used to think in same lines and discuss with friends too some 30-35 years ago. It is based on common sense. But you know .... (you know what)!

    • OTEE profile image

      OTEE 4 years ago from India

      LOL @ Deepika. Good idea.

      Thanks for understanding the plight of the man, stuck between the mother and wife.

      Your strategy might not work, because then there can be conflict between FIL and SIL, because they'll compete for being the head of the family.

      I think nuclear families is going to be the norm in future, irrespective of what a minority of us want. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if living as individuals becomes the norm. See the link below:

      http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/single-and...