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Cheaters: Getting Over a Cheat

Updated on May 30, 2009

Life After Loving a Cheater

I’ve been down that road too, you’re wondering what you did wrong, are they thinking about you? Do they want to call you but are afraid you’re still mad? Every time you think about what happened you get a sick sinking feeling in your stomach and you just want to bawl your eyes out. If you’re a guy you probably want to clock the S.O.B. that ‘stole’ your girl. You want to call them, maybe you already have. You just can’t get over the feeling of failure and rejection.

Well, I’m here to tell you you’re better off without them! What you’re feeling now is simply withdrawal. You became accustom to having that person in your life and now there’s a hole with nothing to fill it except that nasty awful feeling you just can’t shake. You’d rather have it filled with an emotional rapist, a demoralizer, a scum-bag, than have that empty feeling.

Just like an addict you obsess about the cheater, you might blame them for the way you feel but what you probably don’t realize, unless you dig very deep, is that you are really blaming yourself. If only you’d put-out more, if only you were a better person, smarter, had more money, skinnier, cuter, blond… Whatever you’re telling yourself STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! What happened was NOT your fault and if you really played any part in it, it was that you were naïve in caring for that low-life-sack-of… Well, you know what I’m trying to say. What THEY did was WRONG, feeling hurt and betrayed is OKAY, but blaming yourself for THEIR lack of moral fiber and decency is NOT.

How do you get over it? Unfortunately the process takes time, but the first step to a permanent solution is to stop blaming yourself. The second is to see life beyond them. Whatever you do, give yourself time and don’t start dating until you’ve recovered. Rebounds can be almost as bad as being cheated. You’ll be doing it to feel better and you might do things you wouldn’t normally do (like sleeping with the person) if you hadn’t been trying to cope with an emotional trauma. Here’s a good start on kicking the habit:

First, tell yourself over and over again that what happened did not happen by YOUR choice. Ask yourself how YOU made the decision for them to cheat on you. Did you pick out the gal / fella they were banging? Probably not. It was a decision they made and it was out of your control. Take time for you, do things you enjoy doing, be selfish (not self-destructive)! You owe it to yourself after all the hell you’ve been through.

Next, realize it isn’t because you are less of a person that they made their decision. Often times it is a problem within themselves, such as an unresolved relationship, feelings of worthlessness (they sure justified that feeling didn’t they). They might have been intimidated by you; it could be something small like your ease at socializing, number of friends, closeness with family. Whatever the reason, they chose to get involved with someone outside the relationship to increase their feeling of control IN the relationship. There is something most certainly something wrong with them if they think betraying trust in any relationship is acceptable behavior.

Once you at least begin to understand it wasn’t your fault you’ll probably feel a little better. Keep reassuring yourself because I’ll guarantee those feelings will keep trying to resurface until the healing process is over. Once that happens you have to see the silver lining. Maybe the person was lazy, or mean. Maybe they were slobs or a mama’s boy. Make a list of all the CONS in the relationship, all the things that bothered you but you accepted because you cared about them. If they were fatties, put that on the list. If they were balding, put that on their too. No balls? No brains? eBay junkie? Yup, yup, yup. Whatever the little annoying habits or unattractive characteristics were, write them ALL down and take a good look at them. Are those things you’d want to live with the rest of your life? Did you remember to add, “damned liar” and “worthless slut” (yes, that word can apply to males as well as females) to the list? How does it look now?

You might have to make this a daily routine, think of it like extracting your pores, getting rid of the impurities. Flush your system, it’s alright to cry, but don’t cry for them, cry them out; time to purge your system, get up, dust yourself off and keep moving. There is someone out there who’ll treat you the way you deserve, cherish you for the right reason and who’s just better for you. A cheater is no good to anyone, least of all themselves. Their actions today will certainly come back to bite them in the ass, it’s just too bad we can’t be there with a bowl of popcorn and a video camera.


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      adams bella 3 years ago

      My name is Adams Bella, i live and work in Oxfordshire, UK. My life is back!!! After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids, I felt like ending it all, i almost committed suicide because he left us with nothing, i was emotionally down all this while. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr.Trust of Ultimate spell cast which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I came across several of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and also spell to get a good paid job so on. He is amazing, i also come across one particular testimony, it was about a woman called Vera, she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped his email.After reading all these, I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We resolved our issues, and we are even happier than ever.Dr.Trust you are a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster, Try him anytime, he is the answer to your problems. you can contact him on ( or or call him +2348156885231. he is the best caster that can help you with your problems.

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      Jen 3 years ago

      I found out my boyfriend of 15 years, cheated on me with multiple women for over 7 years. He didn't sign out of his computer and left his screen open and there it was. About 3 years of photos of him and her (his latest other woman), taking trips, spending holidays, there were even nude pics of her. The pain was nothing I ever felt before. It felt like I was punched in the stomach. I couldn't even breathe. I cried until my eyes began to swell and sting. I couldn't believe that someone I trusted, loved and supported so much could do this to me. When I confronted him he said that he was sorry and hoped that I would never found out. Then he proceeded to tell me it was my fault that he cheated. I left. After about a week he told me he was going to be moving to San Diego. He said he didn't love me any more and wanted a new start. I've been dealing with the aftermath of all this for about a month. It's been pretty hard my emotions fluctuate from day to day. But at least I'm not crying anymore. However, I keep blaming myself for what happened. I keep thinking if I would have been better, he would have stayed. I'm glad I came across this article, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I will keep reading it until it sinks in. I am determined to recovery from this better and stronger than ever.

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      natasha 3 years ago

      Reading everyone's messages got me crying.. im going through that hurt right now. I had been with my then fiancé for 8 years and only found out 2 weeks ago he had been cheating on me behind my back with some girl that looks like shit. When I first found out my heart was beating so fast I couldn't believe it this man I thought was all mine was all of sudden some stranger from the outside..who was this man? Well when I told him I knew I never got one phone call from him explaining himself could this be? Im so hurt don't wanna eat don't go out cant sleep I hate this so much im my heart is hurting so bad right now.

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      Anonymous 3 years ago

      I stumbled on this email address robinsonbuckler few days ago, so i emailed him about my bad relationship condition, how my lover left me, how he was with another girl, so Mr Robinson told me it would take 3days to get my boyfriend back, i waited for 3 days, unbelievable my boyfriend came to my house asking me if we could try things out again. He broke up with the other girl and we rekindled and got back together, he now show me care and attention. Mr Robinson was my last hope, my last chance after all the spell casters I tried before, Mr Robinson kept his promise! he is the greatest spell caster on the internet, call Mr Robinson, he stays in UNITED STATE + [1 9 7 1 5 1 2 6 7 4 5] for help

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      bella25 3 years ago

      I am 25, been with the same guy for 8 yrs... I just found out I have chlamydia. He lied at first but now he's admitted it. My world had stopped. I need strength.... this piece has helped me so much but I'm still having a hard time reasoning. How do I get started on leaving and following through. My Friends say I'm the strongest person they know And I've never felt weaker.

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      Lost footing 4 years ago

      Thank you to all who shared. I spent hours in the middle if the night crying and reading. My bf of two and a half years cheated on me it seems every chance he got. yet the first part if the relationship he was at my house 5-6 nights a week and the second half we lived together. A year ago he said he needed a vacation before living together. He needed time Alone. Work was so stressful etc. Red flags waiving. I found out he planned to go see a girl he hooked up with years before dating me. By this I also found out when he saw this "friend" over the summer they had sex. He was even giddy when he came directly home to me afterwards. I found out this love fest about to happen AND he still got on that plane. My soul mate, my best friend, planning our future to live together and Said he lived me every day! I went through a tail spin of deep depression. Knowing what he was doing with this younger beautiful girl who knew nothing about me. He text me the whole time. Hoping I was ok and he really did intend to live with me. He needed this he said. What a horrible disgusting person. I am an intelligent, fit and attractive woman. I am by no means stuck on myself I am no super model. But I know can get men far better then this jerk. I am stuck on him. I took him back after this. I can't believe it myself. I thought it would be the catalyst to turn our relationship around, open communication etc. No No No. It only set the bar for what he knew I was willing to take. He cheated again and again. I was constantly questioning my instincts, swallowing his lies and deceiving myself. What I was left with was zero respect from him, oh but he so loved me his doormat and backup plan, zero self esteem and self worth.

      My advise is to get away. I am taking my first steps. I'm lonely and scared but learning to love myself again. Once I am whole again I can accept the person in my life I am meant to meet.

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      RONBO 4 years ago

      AMEN Wendy, you deserve someone who is committed to love you for who you are just remember you were not in love with him he was and imposter so don't think of him think of the imposter who if you knew you would have not even given him a thought and puked thinking of being with that kind of guy!

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      Wendy 4 years ago

      My BF of three year has been cheating with his Ex all throughout our relationship and has lived two separate lives very professionaly. I had no clue as he was the most wonderful, charming man to me and all my friends we were all fooled. The only sign that gave it all away was how he hid his phone. I put this down to my insecurity from a past relationship and turned a blind eye. How wrong I was to do this I should have followed my head not my heart. He even bought an engagement ring to give me on xmas day. He has played a blinding game along with his devious lover. I feel so ashamed so used And am left to pick up the pieces. he was the love of my life but is now exposed as a lying cheat. I feel all the pain as everyone above and want him to realise what he lost. I am realising he wasn't here for me he only loved the lifestyle and home comforts, very selfish... My pain won't go away its sad we shared so many times together and I realise they were all based on lies. I did catch him out and throw all his belongings into her back yard . This did give me a sense of relief but only for a short while as the pain still returns. He still doesn't think he has done wrong as this person was a friend' So why was she a secret''' I believe what goes round comes round and am sure his choice of new life will bite him in the asse, she aint gonna trust him but she can have the worry now of his lies. I only wish I had never met him and believed what rubbish he told me. I want to give my heart to someone who deserves and respects me even though at the moment it is broken in two I hope it will heal to offer once more. Nice people deserve nice people not the rubbish I had. He loved his holidays so I think he would love the :Island for cheaters as above : let him rot there.Until then he can live the cheap dirty life he has chosen. I have cut ties with him but is very hard I cant just switch off my feelings for him even though he is a rat its still very raw. I am dreading xmas day and wish it was over. I am hoping 2014 will be the start of a better life for me . I think I deserve it as do all the nice people in the letters above. Chin up everyone cheating liars are deffo no good.

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      lola 5 years ago

      thank you fo r this post

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      tosin 5 years ago

      Hi, i just found out that my hubby is cheating on me with diff girls. His phones are always locked wiv passwords buh i had an opportunity of going through it 2days ago. Am hurting soo badly now cos am 5months pregnant 4 our 3rd child. Our 1st born is a set of twins n' am currently out of job. He knows am aware of it all n' he still didn't show any remorse. The painful thing is i left my ex that i loved soooo much cos of his cheating to marry this guy who came to me as a religious saint now am soooo regretting it, atleast my ex cared about my feelings and was always apologising buh my husband is too difficult. I don't know what to do. Am in sooo much pain and i know it's not good for my condition

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      tosin 5 years ago

      Hi, i just found out that my hubby is cheating on me with diff girls. His phones are always locked wiv passwords buh i had an opportunity of going through it 2days ago. Am hurting soo badly now cos am 5months pregnant 4 our 3rd child. Our 1st born is a set of twins n' am currently out of job. He knows am aware of it all n' he still didn't show any remorse. The painful thing is i left my ex that i loved soooo much cos of his cheating to marry this guy who came to me as a religious saint now am soooo regretting it, atleast my ex cared about my feelings and was always apologising buh my husband is too difficult. I don't know what to do. Am in sooo much pain and i know it's not good for my condition

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      Gem 5 years ago

      I found our my boyfriend of 4 and a half years cheated on me about 6 weeks ago. Not only that he brought back a most unwelcome little friend. I'm feel sick and i can barely eat. The only reason I have is because he stands over me every evening and makes me eat when I get home from work. It makes my skin crawl thinking about him being with somebody that way. What really kills me, is that we were going to start trying for a baby next month. I feel like the floor has been ripped out from under my feet. I'm just completely shocked that he would do this to me. There's me thinking everything was perfect (ish) and he's been screwing around, now I have some dirty disease and I'm not even the one being a slut!!!

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      JL 5 years ago

      I was with my guy for 12 years and engaged for 4 of them. I thought everything was pretty good. He went to his high school reunion at Thanksgiving and met up with someone 2 years older, saw her behind my back for a month, broke up with me 3 days before Christmas, moved an hour away and in with her the end of Dec and got married in April. Needless to say I was blindsided. We went to Punta Cana in Aug for my 60th birthday and he bought me a new bed in Oct, then this happens. I knew he had cheated on his wife years ago and it was always in the back of my mind that he would do it again. Now he is bringing her around to a club we belong to and shoving it all in my face. He thinks I'm over it and we should be able to say hello. I will never be able to do that more or less be friends. He doesn't deserve anything from me ever. It's this horrible pain I still have that I hope will go away. I'm dating someone else now.

      It's hard to believe that someone that you shared so many good times with and was so close to would do this to you. Obviously he was not in the relationship for us or the rest of our lives. He did not communicate his feelings to me and started making all kinds of excuses. I don't want to wish bad Karma, but I do.

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      Jenn 6 years ago

      Thank you so much! It's been a week since I found out what he has been doing to me. I was so lost and then found this hub! What a life saver! We do blame ourselves, how self destructive is that!?!?! I was home studying, cleaning, cooking, living a good clean life amnd he was acting like he was single, stringing girls along. I am still putting all the lies together. OMG there have been so many lies. I feel very stupid but I realize now that I was loving and trusting and he is the STUPID ONE! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

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      RONBO 6 years ago

      I went thru this for 17yrs. I feel all or your pain. We were all duped!! She left 4times and filed for divorce twice and i still took her back. She cost me all my money 3 times over but again I recoverd , because like you all I started loving myself.She used to keep my 14yr old away and brainwash her ( im fighting for her now)and that is why I always came back no more. Im fully divorced and have come back full circle. Its one year after my divorce I met a girl that would walk thru a fire for me, I promise you I was right where all of you are and still have some flashbacks of a narcassist loser who abused my soul but even when it seems hopeless( i was there) put one foot in front of the other and just go, don't look back. They are the ones missing out don't take on their sickness and let them destroy you. I promise once you start to put yourself first and wake up everyday , and be grateful for what you have and say this is gonna be a great day and vision really picture what you want it will come. You are the good side and it will work out once you let go and love yourself. MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL AND ILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN ALL CONTACT ME AT for any support. I was in as bad of state as you can be and with positive belief in myself just gutted it out and came full circle. GOOD LUCK EVERYONE ,CHOOSE HAPPINESS !! YOU DESERVE IT!!

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      Yummy mummy 6 years ago

      @ sohurt hi hun I nw exactly what your going thro my man was wiv me 12 years and I found out 2 weeks before my son which is our 3rd child that he was a cheat, I found him in a house with his wife of 20 years n guess what they also had 3 children , that was three years ago now I dogface him(stupid me) only to find him in a new house 2 weeks ago wiv u guessed it his wife, yet he still refuses to leave, he was in the wrong not me n my 3 children deserve a happy enviroment in which to grow up in, Hun I nw ur pain it's like your whole world has been ripped apart n u feel so alone, there is light at the end of the tunnel, you and your children deserve happiness n I hope you find it , 1 life we have Hun n it's do short lived that you don't want to wake up in the same situation 3 years down the road with unhappy children when u deserve the best now!!!! Good luck hun x

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      Sohurt 6 years ago

      I am now coming to terms with fact that my husband of 20years has had an affair with a work colleague who is also married. We have 3 children together and she just has her husband. She is 9 years younger than me.

      It is hell and I did write an email to tell her how much of a whore she is that has no morals.

      What I have also found out that apparently it is not the first time he has cheated , but the thing is , all my anger is being vented at her which she deserves as does he. I start the week off being fine and then by the end of the week I completely loose it I am so angry. I wrote notes down about my feelings and angry words aimed at her with he intention of emailing and then I realise it is wrong. But what do I do to app this hurt , and anger I feel. My kids and I are dying inside and he keeps telling me to get out of the house. Yes he is still here and will not go and neither will I. I am just so so angry and need to vent somehow.

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      vv 6 years ago

      i love the last comment...yes there should be a separate island for cheaters who can cheat each other and hurt themselves and die a nasty death....

      good people like us don't deserve to b cheated....whatever it is i would like to tell u all that u all should b happy that we r not the cheaters..we r not the killers...we r not the beasts ....

      i jus found out 2 days back that the bastard i (wrongly)loved and married totally for 16yrs was always a cheater and was secretly married and had a child with a philippino woman and divorced me for that other life..i did too many gd things for him thinkin he was sick and depressed..but he is a criminal...i want to kill him...but i am forced to control myself....

      i want him to go to jail for cheating me with bigamy..he is shit...he is a sick psycho....he made me suffer a lot...brought in a worst sick skin diease on me just by stress..

      i hate bad people being happy...when gd people like us r sad....

      but the gd should live well...and i wish we all do..

      we deserve gd..hope we r all blessed with gd humans...rather we should b blessed with each other..i mean with similar people who have suffered in the same way and who still survive to tell the tale of the cheaters to the world and to their true love.

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      Rob. J 6 years ago

      I have just been with a girl for 4 1/2 years. She broke up with me and then I found out 2 weeks after she had an affair with my best friends cousin. My heart was shattered. How did this girl do this to me? I have stuck by her for these years.she Rang me up 2 minutes before f@&kin him for the first time in her car to tell me she loves me. I'll never understand her. I was her first and she just did that so easy. I'm not good with my words but every single feeling everyone else has written I am going through. I am picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I have lost my gf, my house and my job over this. Also 12kg! And I'm already skinny! She is off having a good time now.

      There should be an island made just for cheaters. Then they can all lie,cheat and bullshit to each other and live happily ever after.

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      E.M 6 years ago

      She used me and strung me along for a month. I just couldn't imagine losing her and I knew something was up. I thought maybe since she was slowly distancing herself away from me, I could still be happy and be with her. She decided to sleep with two guys over easter weekend. She then had the nerve to tell me everything was alright and that she loved me, but later that night I found everything out. I was once suicidal but I realized it wasn't worth it. My failed attempt at suicide changed my life. Now I look at her and see that it was never my fault, there wasn't anything I could do to change it. To that, I say thank you. I blamed myself for so long, cried myself to sleep so many nights. Now I'm at peace with myself, and slowly learning I do not need her in my life. I just hope one day I can trust again.

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      6 years ago

      thank you, after reading this piece I feel much better & I hate him for wat he have done to me

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      Rob Stevens 6 years ago

      I found out about mt gf cheating on me 3 months ago after i saw her waiting for him at a local park in her car.

      I had checked her facebook page and saw that this old school bf was flirty with her, happened with the same guy 2 years ago, thought i'd stopped that, i was wrong.

      She gave me so much guilt for checking up on her, separate rooms, saying i did not trust her.

      Then 3 weeks later she was acting so weird, hiding her phone, locking it, shutting doors while she was talking...all the signs were there but i chose to ignore them for how guilty she made me feel.

      Then wham, that day in the park, she had been texting him all day and night, while sickn off work and while she was out and i babysat her daughter.

      I was paying all the bills even her phone she was using, like she was using me!

      I was willing to forgive to put it all behind us, i loved her that much and did not want to lose her, but she wanted to finish with me.

      I lost it pushed her out of the house, locked the doors, barracade myself in our bedroom and slit my wrists, i just wanted to get away from all the pain and hurt she had put me through.

      The police came and at 2am they arrested me and i spent 14 hours in a cell, my wounds were not bad enough, more a cry for help i think, my mind not rational, oh how i wished i'd just walked awy with my pride intact, just made it easier for her, people thinking it was me and that i was a headcase, i was a product of her abuse and infidelity.

      We did see each other a few weeks afterwards, she was sorry for what she did, i took her out for meals, gave her money and furniture for her new house, anything to help beacuase i still cared and loved her so much, she meant everything to me.

      We made love a few times, it felt great to be co close again, i felt that things might work..i was wrong, she was still seeing this married man, meeting up with him behind his wifes back, while seeing me.

      How could someone want to destroy you like that?

      I gave my all and everything, including nearly taking my life, yet still she belittled me and made me suffer a pain a can't describe.

      I have tried to kill myself several times since and lost count the number of times my head has been in a noose sitting in a tree in the woods.

      Life really does not appeal to me any more, even though i have a 10 year old daughter who i love, i would end it all tomorrow if i had the balls.

      Every day is a battle to keep control, thinking of her with him angry at myself for loving this monster this thing that still controls my life.

      Now im in a single bed flat at 40, trying to come to terms with where i am, anti depressants, drugs, drink, don't help, nothing doe's, feel worthless and empty.

      I have tried to get on, have been out, all couples, every car i see is hers, all the places life we had been too, shopping, songs, all reminders of her, life is unfair, i was a good man, kind and considerate, loyal, hardworking, it means nothing, woman only want the arseholes in life, why i don't know?

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      Elle 7 years ago

      I have been married for 16 years, my husband cheated on me before we were married and cheated on me throughout our marriage. We are seperated as I am writing this.

      I asked him to leave a couple months ago because his phone 'pocket dialed' mine while I was out of town a few months and I could hear him talking to another woman, I decided that I can not allow him to ruin or suck up anymore of my life. I turned 40 last month & I made a decision within myself to let him go for my own sake, as I have reached the end of the line.

      However, I find the emotional aspect of letting go is very difficult, I really loved him once upon a time... he and I did spend a lot of time together and we did do a lot of things together that we both enjoyed so I miss the friendship and companionship. The idea of letting go was easy, the reality of letting go is tough. We have joint debt and unresolved issues, I suppose in many ways they will remain that way- open ended and unresolved just as I never figured out why he cheated.

      I never blamed myself for him cheating, I was driven by why cheated? What was it within himself that made him stray? That question has been lingering for 17 years, he would not talk about it or give me an answer.

      Now that he is gone he has offered a b/s explaination influenced by the tramp he is cheating with- he did tell me that he will never cheat again because he learned from our marriage what the long term affect of cheating is. When he said that to me I reminded him of how many times he's told me he'd never cheat again... but I do hope he cheats again, better even yet I hope she cheats on him, as you can see I am still bitter. I am filled with almost 20 years of hurt, anger, betrayal, lies, and rage.

      I somehow have to find peace within myself over the pain and agony he caused me. He is charming and manipulative, obviously.

      Somedays are ok, others are horrible, sometimes I feel consumed by loneliness and other times I am swallowed in knowing that he is with someone else the pain from which is emotionally crippling.

      I am trying to reconnect with myself- the most difficult question I've asked myself is what makes me happy. In 2 and a half months I still have not been able to answer it.

      In retrospect loving a cheater is pointless and I remind myself often of a few things:

      First when he calls me to tell me how much he loves the tramp and how he is never going to cheat on her- I reply by telling him that the best indicator of future behavior is relevant passed behavior

      next, I remind him that love is not impressed with relationships that result from cheating,

      further, I remind him that when he left my house he took himself with him and that he'll never be able to run away from himself.

      Lastly, I remind him of how he is morally bankrupt and has a lifetime of karmic debt to repay.

      When he left my house he took everything out of my bedroom including my bed- he and his girlfriend in essence are sleeping in my room.. that infuriates me but I have to believe that when he looks in the mirror on the dresser from our room that corrosive guilt looks back at him.

      I have faith in knowing that one day karma will indeed make him pay up and that he will at least get to feel a little of the pain he causes and caused me.

      In the meantime, I will continue to search for what makes me happy and work on the book I am writing about being married to a cheating, lying, scumbag hideous monster.

      My advice to anyone who is in a relationship with a person that has cheated and swears on a stack of bibles and/or his mother and her eyes that he or she won't do it again- I can promise you that they will. My marriage and life with him has proven that once a cheater always a cheater.

      Dump the cheater and flee with your soul & spirit intacted- don't look back, and don't second guess yourself. Cheaters are very destructive and thrive off of the thrill of the threat of being caught.

      To anyone who has read these posts my wish for you all is that happiness present you with a smile to last Always!

      To Sidra, one of the affairs my husband had was with an internet hooker he picked out from a website then met in person - he told me the same deal about being blackmailed by her and so on... what a crock of sh*t, she didn't blackmail him, I find that cheaters are an especially scary sort because they lie so much and so often that they themselves believe their lies and lose touch with reality. I feel especially bad for you because I completely relate to everything you've shared. And I will tell you that I have an aunt who didn't find and marry her husband until she was over 45. You'll be in my prayers and thoughts.

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      Kristine 7 years ago

      Two days ago I was at work and received two text messages from a woman who had been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. It knocked the wind out of me and made me want to throw up. I texted him a brief short text that she did this, how could he be so mean and goodbye. I haven't heard from him since. She ended up calling me and giving me way too much information which I am not sure is all true, but she did confirm some suspicions that I have had. I have tried to not call him. I changed my phone number. I'm trying to be happy for my young daughte. I don't know why but I miss him so bad. He was the one I turned to when I needed someone and now I can't even talk with him. I know that sounds so stupid. I know I have no choice but to move on. I picture her so happy with herself. She got rid of me and has him all to herself now. I looked her up on Facebook and was sickened. Is that my competition? She's gross! I know I am a quality woman. It is just so hard to let the news sink in and know it's all over. I love the post above about how I fell in love with a person that never existed, becauase I realize now that was true. He was never the guy he made himself out to be. He is a bottom feeder and I really should have known. I just want to bach the window out of his truck or spraypaint it, but I know I can't really do that. I wish I knew if he missed me, felt bad, is feeling bad or wantd to call me. I feel I at least deserve an apology but he's not man enough to even do that. I want to blame myself for being an idiot but I think I need to just be super good to myself so that I can get over my addition to him faster. I am so happy for this posting and to know my feelings are normal and I am not alone in this torture.

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      Sidra 7 years ago

      I finally broke off with my ex recently, after 3 1/2 miserable stressful years of going back and forth with him, while he was having an affair with a drunken slut. We had been together over 30 years and I thought he was my best friend, lover and soul mate besides being my husband! I loved him so much, and I thought he loved me as much in return. Not only did he have an affair, but he lied repeatedly about it and his affections towards me were cool during this time. When I first found out about her, I told him I would walk away and he could have her without any flak from me (I was so hurt inside, but I was not going to stay with someone who wanted someone else). He said he didn't want her and didn't want to break up with me; and was going to end the affair and asked me to forgive him. So I forgave him and thought we were rebuilding our relationship. But he kept sneaking around to get drunk and have sex with this slut; and then I caught them naked together in our bed. Can't tell you how that hurt. Other similar incidents happened over the past couple years, and each time he told me he was through with her, he was only seeing her as a 'friend' because she was a lost soul and he felt sorry for her, she had been black-mailing(?) him to stay with her, etc., all these convoluted lies that I knew in my heart weren't true, but couldn't face the truth, because if I did I knew I had to leave him and I didn't want to do that!!! If I were younger and hadn't invested 30 years into this relationship, I would have walked out on him when I first found out about her. But let me tell you girls, when you get into your 50's and older, even if you look good for your age, most men over 50 only want women in their 40s or younger! I was afraid of being alone for the remainder of my life, but also afraid of not having the person I considered my best friend around (although of course, in reality he wasn't a friend at all).

      Anyway, before he met her, he had just lost his job(and was supposedly looking for another job), but instead he started having an affair with this women who is a severe alcoholic, who doesn't work, didn't raise her 3 children (her 2 ex's did), and who lives with and off of her Mother. From emails I had read later, and from my ex's male friends, the only thing this women seemed to care about was having sex with my ex's "big dick"....that's all she talked about in her emails!! She broke up my long-term relationship so she could have some 'big dick'. Since his friends told me that he only intended to have a one-night stand with her, and supposedly that's all she wanted; but then after finding out he had a big dick, I guess she kept pursuing him because she loves big dick. I suppose her hot pursuit of him went to his head and he couldn't resist. I thought our sex life was hot, but I guess sex with her must have been even hotter for him, since he never let her go after all the times he said he would! Makes me feel so old and inadequate.

      I understand she's very manipulative, sexually aggressive, self-centered and drunk almost every day. At first I blamed only her since she I knew how aggressive she was and how she chased my ex. She also lied to me on several occassions when confronted about sleeping with my ex, before I caught them together. She told me the first time I confronted her that she 'had a man who was in prison but he'd be out soon, that she only had sex with my man once and didn't want him because he wasn't that good in bed anyway'. Whatever. That's why she lied to me and kept chasing him, right. Well now they can be together without worrying about me finding them out....I'm finally through with this BS.

      Although I know intelluctually that it's in my best interest to be done with him, I still love and miss him. I probably always will. How do you get over someone you've been with for over 30 years! I'm so hurt and angry, especially about his leading me on for 3 1/2 years after he met her. If he didn't want to let her go, he should have done the honorable thing and let me go....but no, he kept me hanging on all the while he was still screwing her!!

      I'm hoping to feel better someday, but I still feel so very lost and alone. I'm sad all the time, especially at night when I cy myself to sleep. I use to be a secure, strong woman, but now I'm so insecure. I'm trying to resign myself to probably living alone for the rest of my life (most widowed/divorced older women I've known over the years have rarely, if ever, found a new mate). I'll wish for the best, but am preparing for the worse.

      I just want to finish by stating that most of the posts I read here seem to be from younger women who have only been in the relationship with their cheater a couple of years, but no more then 8 years. Take heart dear girlfriends in knowing that you discovered what a scumbag he was while you are still young enough to find another man who will love you for the beautiful woman you really are.

      Thank you for listening to my story. Sharing it has made me feel better.

      God Bless you all.

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      Helen 7 years ago

      To Chineapple punk

      I was reading your post again and came across what you wrote: that once you realized the man you loved "had never truly existed, and that he was a waste of space pretending to be a real man" hit me. You are SO right!!! It's true, I was in love with the idea of him when in reality, he's trash and it's not ME calling him's me no longer putting an image on him and feeling's me finally understand the mask he wore...I don't know if that makes any sense but the way you phrased it just hit me in the face and I feel SO much better with these few words; thank you!

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      Helen 7 years ago

      To everybody who has been cheated...I feel you. I just spent the last half hour reading this entire post. It's sad to see that so many of us go threw this. 2 years ago, I met a man that had nothing special, and yet, he seduced me and ended up cheating on me with his ex. How did I find out? SHE wrote an email. After leaving him, we got back together for another year of bullshit for me to realize once it was finally over that while I thought we were somehow doing better; he was still sleeping with her, telling her that I knew and I was ok with it (when really, I had NO clue!). I like to think there's good in every body...sadly it's not true. I've been naïve to believe anything from him. Today, I've met the love of my life, he's understanding and caring and we got engaged. But I sometimes think about what I went through, and that hurt is still there, deep down. I hate that man for making me feel worthless and for making me doubt, for making me forget all the wonderful things I have to offer. I don't think the hurt will ever go away, still today I don't understand how I fell for such a low life liar. I'll probably never understand it, but spending time reading this page made me realize that I'm not alone; there are bad people, and unfortunately they might cross our path and we'll be the ones suffering. But in the end, we're worth so much more, and I feel so close to any of you, not knowing, because I know exactly the pain and fear you've lived. I wish to leave it all behind, it's hard and will probably always hurt. Some days more than others. But I will come back to this page. And through the words of those you've been wronged, I will look, smile and feel sad not for myself, not for any of you, but for these people with no morals and no heart.

      Thank you for sharing.

      Thank you for this page.

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      ChineapplePunk 7 years ago

      @siobhan: I was in a similar position (4 1/2 years together). First off, I raged. Hard. And I did feel better after that! I found his online dating profile, which I happily posted on every social networking profile he had (so hopefully the women he was duping could see and know who I was). I think the key is to blame him, not yourself or any other woman. The other woman is not your concern - she may have been duped, and she hadn't made any commitment to you, he did.

      Also, keep your friends close. Even if it's just one, go to him/her, have a cry, and get it out of your system with a good old chat. And go out! Have fun - but don't get smashed drunk, as you may end up doing things you regret. I went out the weekend after I found out with some friends, a couple of drinks (didn't get drunk), and had a good old dance. Seriously, when "I will survive" came on in some retro club we all had a boogie and I genuinely felt great. Plus, chances are someone will have a flirt with you - don't take him home or anything, but it's ok to appreciate the attention. Oh, when you go out, make a pact that you won't talk about him or the relationship - tell your friends beforehand that if you bring it up to change the subject. Those talks aren't meant for when you're out having fun, have them when you're in the comfort of your home. Don't hide yourself away and isolate yourself - you'll need alone time, but retreating into a cocoon of loneliness isn't the answer, I think.

      And most importantly (and most difficult for me anyway), cut off all contact. Delete his FB profile, email address, phone number, everything. Delete all old messages, get rid of all old anniversary cards and if he was stupid enough to leave his stuff at yours (as mine was) get rid of that too. Have no trace of him left. Doing this was incredibly cathartic for me, once I got started. If he tries to contact you, cut him off. Don't listen to any pleas or excuses. Try to avoid seeing him - so if you know he likes a certain club/bar, don't go there for your fun nights out.

      And definitely write a list of all his faults/shortcomings, and another one for why it's great to be single (go out when you want, don't have to clean up after him, don't have to listen to his crappy music etc.). Look at it whenever you start thinking about what you could have done differently etc. - those thoughts are useless, and after a while you'll realise that actually, leaving his sorry ass was the best thing to ever happen to you.

      Don't go back to him. He cheated and lied, and he is scum. You are awesome (and have a very cool name) and deserve better.

      I hope you feel better soon. Realising someone has cheated is horrible. One thing that I've taken from it is that I was never really in love with my bf, I was in love with what he portrayed: someone caring, loving, reliable, trustworthy etc. Obviously he wasn't any of that. When I realised that the person I loved had never truly existed, and that he was a waste of space pretending to be a real man, getting over him was easy.

      And also, don't carry any bitterness over to your next relationship (whenever that may be). Not every man is a cheater, and judging others by his poor standard won't help.

      It will get better, although it may take time. All the best! x

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      siobhan 7 years ago

      I have just found out thru facebook that mu boyfriend of 4yrs was cheating on me for the 1st year of our relationship. I have seen all the messages telling her he wanted her...lots of intimate dirty messages too. Told her he was dreaming about her n wished they had time for more fun. The whole time he was with me. Sleeping next to me. Letting me do everything for him. I am so hurt, i am shaking and feel sick. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

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      ang 7 years ago


      So when i asked what was wrong he just sayed i got too many bills and that his kid was driving him nuts. So the next few nights he went out with his buddies. And both nights didn't call so i called him the next morning and he went off saing he couldn't take it anymore he doesn't have to check in and be on a time schedule. and that he can do what he wants. i asked what was wrong if there was someone else he said no we just needed to be apart. i found out he had been seeing someone. And she was nothing to look at! So he would start telling me that he messed up wanted to be with me not her so after 10 mo of craziness we finally tried to work things out. BIG mistake on my part LOVE IS BLIND.. He said he didn't want to loose me again i could go through his phone anytime, and if he goes out ill be right by his side. He had got a new cell phone and he couldn't transfer the numbers over he said oh ill just do it at work tomorrow i thought wow thats odd. So then one night he let me go through his phone i did and found numbers. he had excuse for every nubmer in that phone especially one and said that it was from 6 mo again when we was apart I said but you just got that phone and had to put those numbers in there HMMMM one day we was supposed to go somewhere and at the last minute he went without me but he said he would be home by 5 well after several hours of him saying give me another hour he kept saying his phone was dying another classic. (besides him hiding his phone)so anyways 11p he finally answered his phone and was at a bar and told me well you knew it was guys night out! i said what???? another night he went to bar butt dialed me and asked a girl for a ride when i asked him he said it was his friend not him. Well this past dec. i broke my ankle couldn't drive HOW convient and he kicked his son out. One day he claimed he had to work for someone at the firehouse and said ill call you back and never did (another classic if its after 7 and he doesn't means he snuck out of work). So the next morning he went off on me claimed they had a fire all night and he was tired I didn't see him that day but talked to him off and on. well the next morning i couldn't get ahold of him until 1 in the afternoon he claimed he just was tired. but he came to get me. Well that day i noticed top mattress moved, dirty stained sheets. when i asked him he said that he couldn't take it he met some girl at the bar and had been cheating on me for 3 weeks.And he said he is a no good who wont change all he wants is strange, i deserve better and that his dad was the same way and he guesses its in his genes. He is just using her for sex he doesn't care for her he said and never loved me i was devestaed how can you say that and be with someone for 8 years?. I might sound like a dumb door mat. I did and still do love him We had too many good times. Im like hurt, sad, I feel at times i want US back, I want to go hurt her, but i know i cant do this anymore i cant keep putting up with this its KILLING ME. i did so much for this guy who i thought loved me who i loved so and did so much for. I have so many mixed emotions about this situation, i cant eat, sleep, think etc.. Ive been to a few therapist they don't help at all. they just look at me like i was dumb. Which ya might be true but i just want to move on. I know i can get someone else. and i know now isn't a good time. And like i said i have mixed emotions i have highs and lows one minute im like yeah im free then the next im missing him and my mind will race ill stay in bed and want to call him just so i can ask him more questions about the situation like why did he do this..?? ETC. That makes him mad. And makes me mad when i think of what he has told her about me he claims he did tell her we was together when they met but didn't tell her nothing bad about me which i don't believe hime he told me when he was married that his wife didn't make him happy and didn't turn him on if he said that about me he is lying for sure. I don't know how to move on and get past this going over and over in my head no matter what i read or who i seem to talk to it goes away for a minute then comes back and slaps me in the face again... Please what should i do????

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      Ang 7 years ago

      I met my ex boyfriend 8 years ago he was a firefighter and married so I was like no way well he kept on me so we became friends he would tell me he wasn't happy with her and he wanted out of their marriage within a year they split for 3 months we was never apart one day he acted weird and left I didn't see him the whole weekend he called and said he had went back to his wife. A week later he called and said he couldn't take not being without me as friends. Within that year they got a divorce and we started seeing each other things started happening that I thought he was cheating like going on a trip with his friend and he said that they fought this guy in a bar cause his friend was flirting with a girl but the friends girlfriend said it was my man. Numbers in his phone, a girl coming out of the firehouse him claiming it was his cousin when I know his whole family, flirting with girls, I found out on new years eve years back when we got in a fight he took someother girl instead and slept with her, he gave me herpes and claimed after a few years of us being together I must have got it somewhere else when I never had cheated and I found out later a girl who he has always met up with has herpes., after 3 years he started going out more with his buddies from the firehouse, and going on trips with them. and when I would ask him questions he would blow up and say he can do what he wants when he wants, and say I wad married for 15 years I can do what ever I want. He would say that he didn't deserve me I was too good for him and that he would never marry. 2009 we went on a trip which he acted weird got back and he started acting different one morning he was slamming stuff saying he couldn't take it anymore

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      Corie 7 years ago

      I recently found out that my boyfriend for YEARS had been cheating on me under my nose with at least one woman. It was hard, and you were right, I blamed myself. Somehow I thought that by being the best me, and the best girlfriend, I was still somehow not good enough for him. "Maybe if I dyed my hair blonde or lost five pounds or could actually make crème brulèe..." -- yeah right! I look great and am pretty great, as I'm sure all you lovely people are too.

      After a torrential downpour of tears, enough to compete with the recent Australian flooding I'm sure, and a metric ton of ice cream -- I found your site. Life changer!! Thank you for writing it, and thank you to all the other commenters -- you've saved me and hopefully his current girlfriend (the woman he was cheating on me with)

      I blamed her for being a 'home wrecker', but thanks to you, I realized she's just as clueless as I was. It's not her fault, neither is it mine; he's a tosspot who can't appreciate the few good things/people in his life. I sent her a message on facebook to let her know the truth. Hopefully she doesn't ignore it, because she, like all of us, deserve so much better than some low life bottom feeder!

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      Kim 7 years ago


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      Kelly 7 years ago

      Thank you for this article. I have been struggling for over a year with my husbands cheating. We had been married for 8 years when I found out he was having a relationship with another women. We are a young couple and he had cheated when we were dating and I took him back. Back then he had all the excuses and the promises to never do it again, he loved me, couldn't live without me. I always knew he was flawed but I loved him anyway. I never thought after so many years of marriage and a child that he would be this selfish. I know that it is his problem. I didn't do anything to deserve it but I just can't let go. I still love him and I can't see my future without him in it. Everytime I make progress he pulls me right back down by giving me hope then showing me again that he only cares about himself. I am not nearly at the point where I am ready to let go and move on but I know I will get there. I'm trying to tell myself I deserve better and so does my child. I hope in time to continue to feel stronger and respect myself. Thank you for your words they clarified and reinforced what I needed to hear.

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      Vicki 7 years ago

      I had been dating a guy for nine mths, he'd asked me to move myself & my young daughter to live with him,so after trying to ask tenfold if he were sure and each time he'd say yes, I gave up my great job, enrolled my daughter in his local schools and we were all excited for a new start in less than a week. He then suddenly became weird and when I asked about it he said he was stressed as his ex wife was reacting to the news of me and had now set an injunction on him. So there was I trying to support him believing every last word he said. Three days ago he says he'd like to prolong the move but still cont our relationship.I was upset even alittle angry as had prepared my four yr old emotionally, packed but most importantly left a professional job. He seemed to want to support us with the hurt at first but then I suddenly found him less patient about it all.within twenty four hrs he began to seem more distant & I had a horrible feeling something wasn't right. I then found out hey ho he was married,only descovered this by reading a comment on his twitter claiming congrats to his new little addition. I confronted him and we fought about it but as usual he would twist and make me beleive it was in my head and that I couldn't trust. Another day passed and I then felt right I'm going to message his wife to find out the truth.on telling him my intentions he threatened me with police action and at that point I felt immense strength and knew there was a reason to his reaction, she confirmed it all. The worst thing for me is not understanding why this guy even ignited a move or got me to leave my job when he didn't need to, it's that bit which kills me.... The why's? Hows? Etc. And I hv no means of ever contacting him again now as he's painted me out to be harassing him!!!!!!!

      I hv felt so weak not eating or sleeping and just read your article,your right ive been blaming myself wanting the jerk wanting this feeling to go away, fleeting from anger to tears and not functioning. Thanks for your words

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      Emma 7 years ago

      I want to heal! Im scared and terrified if being alone for the rest of my life! He cheated on me, lied, put me thru hell for the last two months, promised me marriage! Never admitted that he cheated, neither did he try to save the relationship!

      I found his Emails and txts to her telling her how he needs to be with him, begging her! She knows nothing about me!

      I left him, he called a couple of times but never bothered again! Its been 2 weeks and i feel so crappy! Ugly, stupid! I gave him my trust , my love, evrrything! He made me think that i was crazy for being paranoid, so i keep blaming myself cas it hurts!

      Hell always be happy and i feel like ill die alone! Why does he live her and not me!

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      Lacey 7 years ago

      I can relate to everything everyone is saying. I was with my boyfriend on and off for 2 years. He went back to his ex after 6 months, but came back to me a few months later. At the time I felt like I had won. He had chosen me. But as the months past by I found that he was still seeing her as well as another girl. At first I made excuses for him. My friends and family hated him- but I defended him. His depression gave him the excuse and I accepted it. Now, looking back i should never have gone back to him, but I loved him and didn't want to let him go. It's finally over, and I'm trying to move on. I'm a strong, confident woman, but when it comes to the way I feel about him- I'm broken. I know it wasn't my fault and I try and tell myself every day that I'm better off without him. But it still hurts. It's been 2 months now and i still cry. I think about him a lot. I take comfort from the words of everyone on this blog that I'm not going through this alone and still having feelings for someone who treated me so badly doesn't make me weak.... Just human! I hope that one day I will look back on this and smile- because It can only get better from here!

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      Cortnie 7 years ago

      Wow! I so needed to hear your words. I found where the love of my life has multiple memberships to adult "friend" sites and even tho he's said from the beginning of our relationship that he despises porn his web history on his iPhone was packed with it!! I confronted him and he says "I don't know how it got there". The sex site memberships are definitely his. I don't know if he's been on them since feb but that changes nothing. I've been so sick from all this. It's been almost two weeks. We talked last night for the first time since I told him to move out. He says he loves me and that I'm the only woman he wants. But he won't confess. Can't b honest with me. I told him this morning after getting no sleep last night that I'm done. If he can't give me answers there is no hope. He still wants to talk to me and come over when he gets home from work (he works week on week off). It's hard for me to say no. I love him even tho he doesn't deserve me. I'm gonna try to b strong. Thank you for you beautiful words. Because of them I can look my self in the eyes again. It isn't my fault. I didn't make him cheat. I AM a smart, beautiful, funny, honest, sexy, strong woman and I deserve better.

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      Sue 7 years ago

      So, I feel like such a dumb a@@. My boyfriend cheated on me 5 times over the past 3 years that I know about. He said he was sorry and would never do it again, but I found an email where he was fixing to hook up with the other girl again (she's 13 years younger). He also had online sex with another woman, which he told me that he politely ended, but i have just found out recently that he is back to it with her again and has even made fun of me about it. this article really helps me like everyone else. I can actually see his patterns of cheating, he has cheated on every woman he has ever been with, literally. he also lies about everything. Not to make you all cringe, but yes, he has no money and I have been supporting him. You would think all this makes me want to end the relationship, but I cant seem to let go. I know that he is a no good cheating liar and even these women that he is in contact with will meet the same fate - why am I so jealous? I am also very attractive, successful and have 2 wonderful kids! I don't understand why I let this guy get under my skin, its as if I think I can change him. But deep down, he is broken and I don't think he will ever change! What is wrong with me? I could have any guy that I want and I don't mean to sound vain, because I am definitely not and obviously lacking confidence as I let this continue to happen to me - so, this is good advice, I will try to take it. Is it true that once a cheater, always a cheater? Can he even possibly have any respect for me by behaving like this?

      Yikes, I hope my healing process does not take as long as a year, because I am not eating and can't concentrate on anything!

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      Helen 7 years ago

      Like everyone else, I want to say a big thank you to Rayne for this article. It is just over a year for me and it's been a mess - still is. He did it with a friend; she is married with two children and because of them both, I ended up living in a caravan and her husband has lost his business. They think that just because they weren't having sex they haven't done anything wrong.

      We were together for 12 years and have been friends for over 20 years after dating a few times when we were 18.

      "She" wrote a condescending letter to me supposedly as a friend to tell me to stay away from my ex as we both needed to move on and heal. But six weeks after we split up, I find out from her husband that she had left him. And there it started to unravel............You ladies will know about a woman's instinct but I didn't want to face up to what mine was telling me. Even when I saw the proof (which I keep a copy of but haven't shared with anyone but my closest friends), I was in denial and found every excuse/reason I could other than what was staring me in the face.

      For Lu - please don't think he's ok; he'll be an even bigger screw up than you think you are right now. He's trying to run away because he knows what he's done and there will be a point when he will regret and be prepared because that's when he might try and get back in touch. There will be a point he will want your forgiveness but he will go around the houses to find that out rather than fess up and apologise.

      I'm captain of my own ship ship now and decide who comes aboard and who walks the plank. Every day is a battle with my emotions but at the same time, at times, it gets easier. Times like these show you who your truest friends are and my own little piece of "getting my own back" is that I have remained firm friends with his eldest sister despite all the efforts of "She" trying to become part of the family and oust me out.

      I hope everyone here finds some inner peace and happiness. It's been therapeutic for me to share...............

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      susie 7 years ago

      This document has been an absolute saviour to myself, it has made me look at the whole situation with a fresh approach after someone i truly cherished and loved cheated on me when it was totally out of the blue that i found out. He never offered an explanation as to why he did cheat, in fact, he looked stunned when i found him out and challenged him about it. It is hard for me to keep thinking about him but i know i shall get peace eventually as i am a strong person and after a brush with cancer know this is insignificant compared to that! Shame on the man, i hope he rots in hell.......

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      Hannah 7 years ago


      I'm so sorry that he was so horrible to you.

      You need to be strong for your boys. They are all that matter now. Teach them honesty and show them how to get through hard times by keeping your head held high and a smile on your face, even when you feel so badly inside. Let them be your sunshine and your hope. You will see to it that they grow up to be strong and decent men.

      I wasn't able to see an end either. Then I moved and started out on my own. I left all of the pain and my suffering at the old apartment. He does not know where I live, nor will he ever. If you can do that, I recommend it. If not, clean your home, rearrange the furniture, burn everything that was his or that reminds you of him. Cleanse your home of him. Change the style/color of your hair, exercise, make yourself feel and look good. Look in the mirror every day and compliment yourself. The hard weeks will turn into hard days, then hard half-days, then hard hours, then minutes. The first week is the hardest. You'll get through it, though. You have to. You have two people looking to you for everything, you need to keep going for them!

      With great empathy,


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      Rachel 7 years ago


      My name is Rachel. Single mother of two boys. I met "kEVIN 3 years ago, he made me laugh , smile, be happy. I loved him so much did it all the cooking, cleaning, washing you name it. Then on Friday I found a bank statement and my little voice inside told me to open it. Well was I shocked when I did.. He had been staying in Hotels all around Ireland AND flying all around the country too, when I WAS led to believe he was working in Galway. He never commited to me or my boys and I kept making excuses for him. I feel so stupid. I had to go to the doctor and get tested for S.T.D`S AND A.I.D.S.

      Now the long weeks wait for the results. So scared. Constantly feel I cant breath and have to take deep breaths.. Feel anxious and panicked. Cant sleep. The worst is he dosnt even care or has`nt called. Why do I think he would. Cant see an end to this. Any words of advice Please xxx

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      Thomas 7 years ago

      Dear Rayne,

      Over the past couple of days I found out that my girlfriend of over 5 years has cheated on me multiple times. I've been too upset to eat or sleep or work or do anything. In desperation I looked through google for something to help and I found this article. I can't tell you how much it has helped, I realize now that I don't want her back and that I can move on. That I can get past this. I just had to tell you how much this one article has helped. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • profile image

      Lu 7 years ago

      For Hannah,

      Thank you. It's good to know that I am not alone. Good luck Hannah with your struggle. It's good you're seeking therapy. It's hard not to let his actions define who I am or who I can be. It's hard to be strong and move on. You seem to have a positive attitude. This should help. I am here for you if you ever want to speak with somebody.

      I can't wait for that day as well...when it will stop hurting! You keep positive and thank you once again for your post. (it helped)

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      Hannah 7 years ago

      For Lu, (continued)

      Remember, you are NOT alone in this. Every person who reads this page, every person who comments is feeling the same pain, the same fury, the same betrayal, the same grief. It will hurt until you can't hurt anymore and then, one day, it will stop. I can't wait for that day, when apathy and loathing take over. Until then, the best we can do is keep our heads up and NEVER fall from grace over a stinking man (if you an even call him that)!!!

      It is not who we are on the inside, but our ACTIONS that define us! His actions have shown what kind of person he is, now show him what kind of woman you are!

    • profile image

      Hannah 7 years ago


      I am so sorry this is so hard on you. That person who did this to you was WRONG, as Rayne points out. I don't know you or him, but I PROMISE, no matter how he seems or what he tells you, he is NOT happy! He can run across the world with this tramp or that, but when the day is done, he is alone with nothing. He will never be able to fix this and he will never have the one person who could have filled his life. Selfish people are NEVER happy, otherwise they wouldn't be selfish.

      I understand that you gave up so much for him, but now it is YOUR turn. Give to yourself and be a little selfish,

    • profile image

      lu 7 years ago

      it's been 3 months for me and it doesn't get better with therapy. Your love and life to treat you like shit never gets better! I don't understand how people are so irresponsible with their spouses. I mean are they afraid of God and karma. And I have no idea how they ever feel ok with what they did, no matter how many excuses they come up with! He kept saying I pray for u! just a hypocrite. He should have done so much more for me. I gave up my life to marry him and he never thought twice of what he did. And now he's fine, more than fine he will never know what he did. There is no justice in this world. Selfish people will always be happy.

    • profile image

      Hannah 7 years ago


      It has been almost 3 weeks since my boyfriend admitted to having sex with someone else. This has affected my ENTIRE life. I am starting therapy, next week.

      After 3 weeks of looking, I've found your article. This has been the only one that actually MAKES SENSE and speaks to me!

      Thank you, for being a light in the darkness.

    • profile image

      lu 8 years ago

      I'm in so much pain. It's been 2 months since he left and had a romantic affair (he had feelings for the other one). We were marrried less than a year, together for 5 and we loved eachother so much.

      Now he feels nothing...he's dating other women, he wants to leave the country he never called!!!!!!!!!!!!! All he wants is to never see me, because he a) doesn't love and b) it reminds him of what he did. And he thinks of himself that he's a good person. The fact that he doesn't love or care or want to see me or talk to me and just forget about this whole mess, KILLS ME!

    • RayneMJ profile image

      RayneMJ 8 years ago from Sheboygan, WI

      Thank you for reading and I'm very glad this helped, Hamas! It took me a long time to get back on track because, as it sounds with your relationship, a lot of time and emotion was invested into it. For me a lot of it was guilt like it all happened because of something I did...figuring that out helped me a lot. I hope those small ebb of ocean waves disappear with time as well!

    • profile image

      Hamas 8 years ago

      Well I also feel alot better after reading this , I learnt a lesson from my longest relationship the way she lied with a straight face even when she was caught out she lied again with a straight face not even flinching , maybe thats why i believed her , but I gave an outsider a view of what was happening in our relationship and they pointed out the obvious fact , Shes a cheater . this post helped alot the pain went from a raging sea storm to a small ebb of the ocean waves.

    • RayneMJ profile image

      RayneMJ 8 years ago from Sheboygan, WI

      Rubi, you are very welcome! I am SO glad my experience could help you out. After all the crying we all need a smile, right? :)

      Ruth, it's HARD! I took this guy back 2-3 times even though I KNEW there was something wrong.

      There is definitely someone out there who will appreciate and treasure both of you for the strong, independent women you are! We just have to believe it first. ;)

    • profile image

      ruth 8 years ago

      I just want to say that i am glad that I came across your post. Your words has help me to be strong and not take him back and really end a relationship. I will flush him out of my system and dust my shoulders off.

    • profile image

      Rubi 8 years ago

      Good day,

      I just want to say a million times over and over thank you, thank you, thank you. Coming by your post was one of the best things ever. In my time of pain I'd read your last paragraph and smiled...- all the crying and sleepless nights were well worth it. I am still in the clensing process. But nevertheless your post has made the clensing process easier. Ty -

    • RayneMJ profile image

      RayneMJ 8 years ago from Sheboygan, WI

      Alinor, I apologize for not seeing your post earlier... You made ME work no less. Thank you for your wonderful words. This was a piece that really came from my heart because it happened to me and I took a detailed mental list of what was happening. I couldn't find any decent sources either!! How funny the one thing that demoralized us and broke our hearts brings two random people together. If only to have positively touched another human being, I am glad that dog cheated on me. Thank you so much.

    • profile image

      alinor  8 years ago

      Thank you- just thank you. I stumbled across you're words as I was feeling deseperate- and hating myself for looking into the magic search box of google like it was some kind of mystic helper.I am not a crazy loon I am not a regular on such sites. I was as I say desperate.I admit I did not make a note of this site and as I have since finding it again,read your words daily.I am still reeling from the abject misery I am left with after my 'soul' cheated...all the signs the doubts where there I knew he had been a cheat before- but I was his soul he had never felt like it - he kissed my eyes and my face tender quiet moments.. the firsts you have spoken of in you're other writing struck a chord deep within me I cryed - I am ashamned to say for a long time.I am not as you seem to be inner eye with mouth- but I have sat on the bus going to work,at my desk etc had your words with me -it was not my choice it was not my choice. I wish I could be more articulate but I find myself at the moment reduced to the most basic of communication.I want to tell you you have as with every great word written touched me - I live in sheffield I am 39 kind true and a mother you do not know me and I do not know you- but what you have written has made the difference to me so we have met,and you have without sounding weird-( which I am not)-sat with me at work on the bus and given me comfort and strength. from one to another thank you


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