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Cheaters and the Cheated: How to Deal With Adultery From Both Sides

Updated on December 18, 2019
heather92383 profile image

Heather has a Bachelor's Degree in English from Moravian College and has been freelance writing for more than 12 years.

How do you tell your partner that someone else makes you happy more than they do?
How do you tell your partner that someone else makes you happy more than they do?
How do you tell your loved one that you know where they spend their nights?
How do you tell your loved one that you know where they spend their nights?

How do you deal with breaking your lover's heart when you reveal that you committed the ultimate sin of adultery? You found comfort in someone else's arms and lied about it if confronted with any suspicions. Does it feel to be the one who makes them sad? Something you promised you'd never do. Do you leave or stay to earn their forgiveness? The decision's not yours, but theirs.

For the scorned partners, heartache doesn't begin to cover the gigantic hole where their heart once resided. Doubt fills their hearts and minds where their lover is concerned. Every move and action is second guessed due to their enormous betrayal, long term or short term. Adultery hurts whichever way you slice it. The ones who get cheated on feel their self worth wash away in the bathtub. The wounds never fully heal because the speculation is always in the back of their minds whenever their lover goes on a business trip without them. Is it a trip or another rendezvous? Can you trust them again or cut your losses before another betrayal happens?

Adultery is a word that carries a strong connotation of deception in a relationship. One partner lies and the other suffers the consequences. When all is revealed, can the relationship stand a chance? In order to figure that out, you need to see a damaged relationship from both viewpoints in order to do so. Each viewpoint offers tips for the cheater or the cheated to decide how to proceed in relationship limbo.


You must be asking yourself how you got to this point in your relationship where it's not enough for you anymore. You now look at your lover or spouse and feel nothing but boredom. The relationship has lost the spark that once ignited you in a manic frenzy. You've tried for years to get your partner to look at you the same way again or get them to show any interest in you. Have you been ignored for too long and need someone to awaken your senses once again? Did you make the mistake of not confronting your partner directly about your unhappiness or sweep it under the rug? If you answered yes to these questions, think long and hard before doing anything rash. Here are three tips you need to follow to ensue you avoid cheating and three if you already did.

Before Cheating

- Look closely at your relationship. Can you remember the bad times more than the good ones? How often to do you fight with your partner? Create a list on the pros and cons in your relationship. If the cons outweigh the pros, you need to confront your problems by either going to your partner directly to have an indepth conversation. I recommend to seek help from an objective source, especially if the two of you fight like cats and dogs. Nothing will get resolved if you can't stop fighting long enough to talk.

- Exhaust all relationship saving measures before jumping into bed with a hot younger thing from your office or off the street. Make an appointment with a counselor for you both to see together and individually to discuss your relationship frustrations. Involve a professional in the mix to gain your partner's attention if taking to them directly doesn't change anything. Attend your appointments and show an effort to fix things which indicates to your partner that you're willing to save your relationship.

- Take a break. If you need some time apart from partner, let them know. Don't beat around the bush with them. Just say that a little absence might make your hearts grow fonder of each other. Indicate that you don't want contact with your partner for a certain amount of time. Pick together a time and a place to reunite to evaluate whether your relationship is worth saving. Only the two of you can decide your relationships fate.

After Cheating

- Admit the truth. Tell your partner everything. Honesty is the best policy even if it hurts like hell. Don't let too much time pass and allow your partner to find out from someone else about your affair, or affairs depending on the person. Be the one to break their heart since it was you that did so in the first place.

-Suffer the consequences. Let your partner scream, shout and throw you out of the house. You deserve it for betraying them. Feel your cheek or gut burn as they hit you with their words. Understand the depths of your mistakes. Apologize for what you did, but don't expect forgiveness right away or at all. Learn that your actions speak much louder than your words sooner rather than later. You already lost your dignity once by cheating. Don't do it again by begging.

- Accept your relationship isn't the same. No matter how much you want your relationship to go back to normal, it's not. Once your cheating is out of the bag, you might as well kiss those happier days goodbye. Your partner is only going to see you as a liar and you're only going to see one of your latest victims. Decide together if you're going to end the relationship or move forward in a different direction. The choice is ultimately your partners. You don't get a vote since you're the one who put this in motion. Just be grateful that your partner is willing to be in the room with you and not want to kick your butt.

The Cheated

How do you deal with a partner who's bored or unhappy with your relationship? Do you confront it or allow them to cheat? Decide for yourself how you want to handle your faltering relationship but never let your problems go unchecked for too long. You will resent yourself more than you do your partner. Here are three tips for you to follow to apply to both before and after your partner cheats. Read through the steps to determine how your relationship needs to survive.

- Confront your partner. Tell them you know that their unhappiness is apparent and ask what's wrong. Don't shy away from any potential criticism because this is what you wanted to hear. You need to know how your partner is feeling in order to know how much trouble the relationship. If your lover admits they cheated on you, ask for full disclosure. Don't ask for all the gory details, that's just allowing yourself to be a glutton for punishment. How long? Do you love that person? Where do we go from here? Take time for the answers to sink before moving on.

- Seek time apart and counseling. Tell your partner that both of you need space to regroup from your relationship. Find out what you both really want out of the relationship before going further. Once your partner has cheated, demand for some separation because the sight of them makes you ill. Learn how to handle being in the room with your lover and not want to throttle them.

Don't follow your first bad impulse to sleep someone else because you'll be at the same level of your partner. Be the bigger person and take the high road. You're allowed to be angry or hurt. It's your right to feel however you want to feel. It's not your fault that your lover cheated, it's theirs. Also talk to a counselor that can put your feelings into perspective. Include your strayed partner if you want to let them know how much they burned you. Examine your relationship, if there still is one, before or after a betrayal.

- Make a decision. Can your relationship move beyond any act of unhappiness like adultery? Has absence made your heart grow fonder, or your hate stronger, for that person? The fate of your relationship is in your hands. It's obvious that your cheating partner wants to make it work because they're still around to take their will deserve punishment. Are you willing to stop punishing them to forgive them? Do you love them enough to swallow your pride and allow them back into your heart? Only you know the answer. Choose wisely because your decision determines the rest of your life. However long it may be.

In Summation

A relationship is only as good as the sum of its partners. Are both partners bringing enough to the table? Can you be happy with their faults as well as their strengths? Realize what's at stake before jumping into any long term commitment you might regret down the road. It's only your happiness that's at stake after all.


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    • Oswalda Purcell profile image

      Oswalda Purcell 

      7 years ago from Los Angeles

      "Only you know the answer. Choose wisely because your decision determines the rest of your life. However long it may be..." Your level of fairness, wisdom and maturity is something else. I am glad you found the courage to put together this piece. It will lead many people from dark, dark places, and also show them there is another way besides immediate divorce. Keep up the honesty!

    • sunshinesadie profile image


      8 years ago

      Marriage is sacred. Period.

      If you are ignored for three years, 'not getting what you need at home'... exhaust every attempt to keep your promise. If you can't, TELL YOUR SPOUSE and go see a lawyer. Get a divorce, THEN find the love of your 'soul mate'.

      Lying and cheating... what possible good can come from that? Tell the truth---it will set you free and minimize the damage.

      I will never understand people who cheat. You loved someone enough to marry them, why not have the character to be honest? What's the point of sneaking around behind their back, lying and PRETENDING you don't want to 'hurt them'? You're going to get found out! (Hello? This is the day of Facebook!) Then what? How does anyone ever respect you fully ever again? You're a liar and a cheat.

      You made a promise. HONOR IT or have the guts to tell the truth and get out. Whatever happened to the Golden Rule?

      Ladies and gentlemen! Don't fall for it! Tell them to come back when the divorce is FINAL.

    • heather92383 profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Mt. Laurel, NJ

      Very carefully. If you end up forgiving him, you'll never forget which will be just as bad as the betrayal itself. Not to sound cliché. If it was an on-going affair, I wouldn't let him off the hook so easily. Seek counseling to iron out your issues and if that doesn't work I would weigh the pros and cons of whether your marriage is worth saving. If it is, fight for it. If there has been too much damage, I would think of going your separate ways. Tread carefully, because there's no going back either way.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I've just discovered my husband has been cheating and don't know which way to turn???

    • heather92383 profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Mt. Laurel, NJ

      I would honestly weigh the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. I would try to have a heart to heart with your husband to figure out what each of you want out of the relationship. Ask him what he wants and what it would take to mend the relationship physically and emotionally. If your priorities are no longer the same, I would maybe start to examine your life together and what the next step should be as a couple or on your own. The decision won't be an easy one, so there's no real rush in deciding right away. Just choose the one that will make everyone the happiest and keep you sane.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I'm hoping there is someone out there who can help's the basic deal, in 2010 i had a basically emotional affair we never saw each other out of work, never undressed, never had sex but it was still wrong, i had lived with an alcoholic for 10 years, and begged and begged for him to quit pay attention to me and our kids and had told him for 2 years before the affair that someday it was gonna cost him his wife and kids. Well he found out december 2010 and instantly quit drinking and we stayed together in dec 2011 he decided he should be aloud to drink when hes out of town working just not at home anymore i had no say in this and was given no heads up about it or anything and he doesn't really care if i like it or not, and we had gone to counseling and told the counselor our one thing that would divorce us and i said drinking and he said cheating again, well im still here, but now my question that i DESPERATLY NEED HELP WITH is how long should i wait for him to pay attention to me we are at a year and half since we have had sex and for that matter we dont touch each other sexually at all he wont....basically i feel like im being punished which is not fair at all. Im a very touchy feely attention attention person and he is very aware of that and ive told him this living like roomates is exactly what caused the affair except now its just minus the alcohol at home. HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO TOUCH YOU AGAIN and he has told me when he was drunk that he is never going to touch me again, and now hasn't told me if he was drunk and mad or if he meant it. Im so confused

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I can't say that the reason for why I cheated on my boyfriend is because I lost feelings for him. It was nothing about him or us. It was all me. I was feeling reckless and destructible. I failed to think of how he would feel and how he would react. I was selfish. I told him the truth after 2 months. During those 2 months, everything was perfect between us. After committing the adultery, I realized how much he meant to me and I cherished the time we spent together but 'til the other night, I realized that if I really truly wanted to be with him without lies or deception, he had to know the truth. I was hoping that if we could make it out of this, we would be stronger than ever. He left me and told me he could never see us together the same way anymore. I am so torn for my loss and I regret everything I failed to do for him because of my own insecurities. I regret that I had to come to this big realization about myself with the one person that I, without a doubt, want to spend the rest of my life with. I cheated and I was wrong. I admitted to my faults and now I'm ready to give him space and work on myself to prove to him that I deserve his forgiveness once and for all. I understand some people's hatred for cheaters. I do believe that once a cheater, always a cheater but with the benefit of the doubt in some scenarios, I believe that things may work out for the best of us. We just have to find that best in us. I'm ready.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      My friend's husband committed adultery 2x. Unfortunately his illicit affair still continues despite telling his wife that his adultery is over. His mistress was dumped by her ex-husband for not able to bear child.

      Instead of repenting, their sins continues and this mistress coaches her married lover how not to get caught.This married man loves xxx porno and this mistress/whore even pose razzy pictures (Penthouse posing and worst) to send to this married man.

      Laughing matter is that the adulterer became the mistress caregiver,caretaker, cook and abandoned his family for years just because she gives a good blowjob.

      Now her kidney continues to fail (had kidney transplant b4). Bad karma isn't it. This mistress used to be a pediatric nurse at CHLA and now work in the renal department in San Gabriel.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      "Cheaters don't Change" is a fact. Married for 22-1/2yrs

      had learned spouse had cheated for a decade. Bez of his job (work schedules hard to track) committing adultery even during work hours was easy. The worst part his relatives , some friends i.e. a divorce pharmacist concorded his affair. Wife was left raising child alone while the adulterer became his mistress servant( a nurse, a divorcee since 2000/2001 from San Gabriel).

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      my husband has cheated on me for last seven month now i am ready to let go

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      It wasn't easy to nurse a broken heart. I don't like to remember painful things. Perhaps it would be better to find enough space for your loved one

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      no one wants to talk about it from a cheaters perspective? of course it is never acceptable or ok or justifyable, but what about being ignored for 3 years? what about crying beggging pleasing with them, telling them everything you need and what, and all the things you feel are going wrong, and they just ignore you..... am I still a little jerk? I tried, over and over, even tried to get him in counceling, of course NOW he wants to go, but he wouldn't go before. Some of us really tried, and wound up trainwrecks and still made bad decisions that were wrong, but not all cheaters are the same. for some it's a form of self sabotage, or punishment. don't forget that.

    • profile image

      Holy Hunter 

      11 years ago from Alberta, Canada

      Cheating is an absence of heart. Were a heart once was now is a dark space.

      Hard to except and to move on,there is no more embrace.

      Ending a love that was so strong, years of happiness what went wrong?

      Time for you leave and leave this split heart, for now I have seen the space that is dark.

      That is my made up poem for little jerks that break their spouses hearts!!!!!

    • profile image


      11 years ago

      I work as an assassin so I do not know much matters like these since I have never experienced love life before at all since I have been trained as an assassin since I could ever remember, but hmm....If it was me, both of them would have been dead though.

    • profile image

      Unhappy Guy 

      12 years ago

      Folk who cheat deserve to be caught. Harry Downie from West Lothian has been caught more than once. His wife even dumped him.Now he's got designs on my wife, if I catch him I will put him in hospital.Of course he is a dirty git, we even got the police to him last time. This time I think a more direct approach will work.Dont warn him, but give him abuse, he is trying to split up a family with two children.If you want to call him I invite you too, give him as much abuse as you can, please call him day and night.0793 222 7451


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