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Cheaters and the Cheated: How to Deal With Adultery From Both Sides

Updated on December 18, 2019
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Heather has a Bachelor's Degree in English from Moravian College and has been freelance writing for more than 14 years.

How do you tell your partner that someone else makes you happy more than they do?
How do you tell your partner that someone else makes you happy more than they do?
How do you tell your loved one that you know where they spend their nights?
How do you tell your loved one that you know where they spend their nights?

How do you deal with breaking your lover's heart when you reveal that you committed the ultimate sin of adultery? You found comfort in someone else's arms and lied about it if confronted with any suspicions. Does it feel to be the one who makes them sad? Something you promised you'd never do. Do you leave or stay to earn their forgiveness? The decision's not yours, but theirs.

For the scorned partners, heartache doesn't begin to cover the gigantic hole where their heart once resided. Doubt fills their hearts and minds where their lover is concerned. Every move and action is second guessed due to their enormous betrayal, long term or short term. Adultery hurts whichever way you slice it. The ones who get cheated on feel their self worth wash away in the bathtub. The wounds never fully heal because the speculation is always in the back of their minds whenever their lover goes on a business trip without them. Is it a trip or another rendezvous? Can you trust them again or cut your losses before another betrayal happens?

Adultery is a word that carries a strong connotation of deception in a relationship. One partner lies and the other suffers the consequences. When all is revealed, can the relationship stand a chance? In order to figure that out, you need to see a damaged relationship from both viewpoints in order to do so. Each viewpoint offers tips for the cheater or the cheated to decide how to proceed in relationship limbo.


You must be asking yourself how you got to this point in your relationship where it's not enough for you anymore. You now look at your lover or spouse and feel nothing but boredom. The relationship has lost the spark that once ignited you in a manic frenzy. You've tried for years to get your partner to look at you the same way again or get them to show any interest in you. Have you been ignored for too long and need someone to awaken your senses once again? Did you make the mistake of not confronting your partner directly about your unhappiness or sweep it under the rug? If you answered yes to these questions, think long and hard before doing anything rash. Here are three tips you need to follow to ensue you avoid cheating and three if you already did.

Before Cheating

- Look closely at your relationship. Can you remember the bad times more than the good ones? How often to do you fight with your partner? Create a list on the pros and cons in your relationship. If the cons outweigh the pros, you need to confront your problems by either going to your partner directly to have an indepth conversation. I recommend to seek help from an objective source, especially if the two of you fight like cats and dogs. Nothing will get resolved if you can't stop fighting long enough to talk.

- Exhaust all relationship saving measures before jumping into bed with a hot younger thing from your office or off the street. Make an appointment with a counselor for you both to see together and individually to discuss your relationship frustrations. Involve a professional in the mix to gain your partner's attention if taking to them directly doesn't change anything. Attend your appointments and show an effort to fix things which indicates to your partner that you're willing to save your relationship.

- Take a break. If you need some time apart from partner, let them know. Don't beat around the bush with them. Just say that a little absence might make your hearts grow fonder of each other. Indicate that you don't want contact with your partner for a certain amount of time. Pick together a time and a place to reunite to evaluate whether your relationship is worth saving. Only the two of you can decide your relationships fate.

After Cheating

- Admit the truth. Tell your partner everything. Honesty is the best policy even if it hurts like hell. Don't let too much time pass and allow your partner to find out from someone else about your affair, or affairs depending on the person. Be the one to break their heart since it was you that did so in the first place.

-Suffer the consequences. Let your partner scream, shout and throw you out of the house. You deserve it for betraying them. Feel your cheek or gut burn as they hit you with their words. Understand the depths of your mistakes. Apologize for what you did, but don't expect forgiveness right away or at all. Learn that your actions speak much louder than your words sooner rather than later. You already lost your dignity once by cheating. Don't do it again by begging.

- Accept your relationship isn't the same. No matter how much you want your relationship to go back to normal, it's not. Once your cheating is out of the bag, you might as well kiss those happier days goodbye. Your partner is only going to see you as a liar and you're only going to see one of your latest victims. Decide together if you're going to end the relationship or move forward in a different direction. The choice is ultimately your partners. You don't get a vote since you're the one who put this in motion. Just be grateful that your partner is willing to be in the room with you and not want to kick your butt.

The Cheated

How do you deal with a partner who's bored or unhappy with your relationship? Do you confront it or allow them to cheat? Decide for yourself how you want to handle your faltering relationship but never let your problems go unchecked for too long. You will resent yourself more than you do your partner. Here are three tips for you to follow to apply to both before and after your partner cheats. Read through the steps to determine how your relationship needs to survive.

- Confront your partner. Tell them you know that their unhappiness is apparent and ask what's wrong. Don't shy away from any potential criticism because this is what you wanted to hear. You need to know how your partner is feeling in order to know how much trouble the relationship. If your lover admits they cheated on you, ask for full disclosure. Don't ask for all the gory details, that's just allowing yourself to be a glutton for punishment. How long? Do you love that person? Where do we go from here? Take time for the answers to sink before moving on.

- Seek time apart and counseling. Tell your partner that both of you need space to regroup from your relationship. Find out what you both really want out of the relationship before going further. Once your partner has cheated, demand for some separation because the sight of them makes you ill. Learn how to handle being in the room with your lover and not want to throttle them.

Don't follow your first bad impulse to sleep someone else because you'll be at the same level of your partner. Be the bigger person and take the high road. You're allowed to be angry or hurt. It's your right to feel however you want to feel. It's not your fault that your lover cheated, it's theirs. Also talk to a counselor that can put your feelings into perspective. Include your strayed partner if you want to let them know how much they burned you. Examine your relationship, if there still is one, before or after a betrayal.

- Make a decision. Can your relationship move beyond any act of unhappiness like adultery? Has absence made your heart grow fonder, or your hate stronger, for that person? The fate of your relationship is in your hands. It's obvious that your cheating partner wants to make it work because they're still around to take their will deserve punishment. Are you willing to stop punishing them to forgive them? Do you love them enough to swallow your pride and allow them back into your heart? Only you know the answer. Choose wisely because your decision determines the rest of your life. However long it may be.

In Summation

A relationship is only as good as the sum of its partners. Are both partners bringing enough to the table? Can you be happy with their faults as well as their strengths? Realize what's at stake before jumping into any long term commitment you might regret down the road. It's only your happiness that's at stake after all.


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