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Cheating Is An Insecurity More Than Anything

Updated on July 24, 2019

I have spent a great deal of time observing and watching people around me cheat on their partners. There is a plethora of excuses for why people cheat: Sexual and emotional disconnect, needs not being met, the thrill of sneaking around, revenge, attraction to someone who's the total opposite of your original SO (significant other), curiosity and getting intrigued by a person with a carefree personality, overall relationship dissatisfaction, or you just love dancing with the devil (or being the devil yourself). But, if you really think about it, all of these reasons have a common denominator: Insecurity. Enervating, soul-crushing insecurity.

I've never been in a lot of official relationships, but I consider myself a pillar of the society when it comes to situationships and fooling around. There was an era when I did a lot of despicable things that my best friend Enzo and I wanted to write a book and call it "The Art Of Ratchetry" or "Ratchetry 101 Vol.1" and so on with the succeeding volumes documenting our adventures as hoes. Of course, we just laughed about it, we still do, and I still would very much like to write that book. Technically speaking, I never cheated on anyone because I never was in a relationship, but it's the same dynamics. I would be dating perpetually, or start dating someone new before I ditch the current guy, or date more than one person at a time. I remember Enzo and I coming up with a crazy inside joke/pun "When it rains, it's four" as a reference to me entertaining four guys at the same time! I know, not my finest moment. At the time I would brush it off as "Keep dating until you find exactly what you like", but all I found was something I don't like- it's not a bad thing per se because it taught me how to disintegrate trash from treasure. But, looking back, I now see that the reason why I kept collecting men is because of my very own insecurities. I guess deep down, I really did not have the slightest idea what I was looking for; I thought the measure of one's worth is the number of their admirers (seeking for validation); fear of rejection, hence, always making sure I had a spare tire; lack of self-love- although I had always thought I loved myself way too much that I wanted to share it with so many people, but now I know better (thank God!) and it's the total opposite because apparently, truly loving yourself doesn't mean building walls around you (for protection) because you're robbing yourself of a real shot at finding someone great.

I am a witness to good people cheating on their partners, people who crave true love and meaningful relationships, and it's really sad. Why do these amicable men and Miss Goody Two-Shoes cheat you ask? Some of them are neglected by their partners; some have needs that aren't met; some are after the thrill; some of them do it because their partners cheated on them before; some are curious and some are in miserable relationships that they can't seem to let go of for some reason. There are so many other reasons, of course. But these sited reasons all stem from insecurity. Go figure, Sherlock.

Everyone has insecurities, and insecurities come in different sizes, shapes, and forms, and it's okay to feel insecure from time to time just to remind yourself that you're human, but it's not healthy if it's turning you into a person you're not proud to be. It's lethal if it's preventing you from having peace of mind and finding real happiness.

I don't understand what's so exhilarating about sneaking around and worrying about getting caught all the freakin' time. If being polygamous is your nature, then at least be upfront about it- let the other person know from the get-go, you'll be surprised how many people are into open relationships nowadays. If you're cheating because you're unhappy in your current relationship, what you're doing isn't going to improve your situation. Either communicate your feelings or grow some balls and come clean. The other person deserves honesty, and you deserve peace of mind and a shot at true and unselfish love.

© 2019 Nina Ella

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      8 months ago from Chicago

      "I really did not have the slightest idea what I was looking for..." That has nothing to do with insecurity. It just means one is not ready to settle down but in the mean time does not want to live the life of a nun/monk! Casual dating is not a crime! :)

      In your case since you never made any promises or entered into any official commitments nothing you did would be considered cheating. Most people in their teens and 20s are not ready to settle down. Too few of them however are aware of this fact.

      As noted there are a variety of reasons why people cheat.

      The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other needs on the side. Very few cheaters are looking to (replace) one relationship with another. They want to complement what they already have.

      In other words they are looking to add on not replace or subtract.

      Some people cheat because they are too immature and not ready to commit but simply don't know it. There mate wants monogamy.

      There are three basic types of cheaters.

      1. The Incessant Cheater

      This is someone who has never been faithful in any long-term relationship. Monogamy for them is like going on a strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) but rather (when) they will cheat. They get bored easily and are always in search of the thrill that comes with being with someone (new).

      Their motto: "Variety is the spice of life!"

      2. The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater

      This person is not proactively looking to cheat. They may have a secret crush on someone, a co-worker, a person they see at Starbucks, on the train, or maybe while on a boys/girls night out.

      One day the person they have a crush on flirts with them! Now there is a once in a lifetime opportunity to turn a fantasy into reality. It also doesn't help if their friends are egging them on to go for it. Thus we have the old adage:

      "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!"

      Sometimes this type of cheater feels tremendous guilt and may confess weeks, months, or years later. Their crime was "caving in to temptation". Immaturity causes "short-term" thinking to focus on immediate gratification as opposed to considering consequences.

      3. The Discontented Cheater

      This person blames YOU! In their mind something you did or stopped doing was why they chose to jump into the arms of someone else. Apparently whatever it was wasn't bad enough to make them they leave you though. (Very interesting).

      This is also the type of cheater who has the best chance of being forgiven because if the betrayed person believes it is their fault then they feel they are empowered to prevent it from happening again.

      Also taking the blame helps the betrayed person save face with their family and friends after years of telling everyone cheating was an automatic "deal breaker". Now they can tell everyone it was something (they) did which caused their mate to step out.

      However the truth is both monogamy and cheating are choices the (individual) makes. The only person you can control is yourself!

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