Simple Relationship Advice
Let's face it. What's the point? The media and television assumed men are pigs and women are... female dogs... has invaded the space in our brain where acceptance and understanding is supposed to be. I'm twenty-one years old. I've been in two relationships in my life. I chose to be in the relationships and it was a tasteless breakup both times. I've been hurt. I've been cheated on. I've even been called ugly. Does that mean I should forego any and all joy from women and that I should just debase them with hard words and and even harder fist? No. In fact I find it almost unbearable to even think that way. So why should you listen to a kid who has barely lived and hasn't really suffered and doesn't know anything about MY pain? Take a minute and read my words, you might just learn something.
I was raised by my mother. It's probably the single best reason I can come up with for how sane I am. It's safe to say that I have a reality with the difficulties a woman has, as I grew up with my mother and sister. I was the man of the house. I have a sense of pride and honor for that fact and I'm happy to say that I gladly gave the hat to a pretty awesome dude my mother married several years ago.
Now this is all nice but the point I'm trying to make is that I have several close friends whom are all in relationships. Some are doing well. Some are not. I felt it prudent to point this out cause I always seem to be the person these individuals go to when something is awry. Now I won't say any names for I prefer discretion and tact. So here are the woes/joys of my grief/grin stricken friends.
- What is the problem in your relationship?
- If there isn't a problem then ask yourself if you should be in the relationship in the first place.
- You've found the problem. What is the solution?
- If you are having a hard time figuring out a solution, that isn't the case. You actually know the solution. It's just hard to confront.
- The number one reason why an individual thinks something is complicated is because there is something that he or she doesn't want to confront.
- Relationships are easy. They are your partner, they should have your back.
Out of the close circle of friends that I have, I've been privy to the worries and stresses they have in their life and regarding their partner. Some are men and some are women. Let me point this out now. I find it extremely easy to be impartial and I'm an unsympathetic a$$hole. This allows me to be unbiased towards male or female, it doesn't matter either way for me. What does matter is that there is a problem. That's always the case. If something is upsetting them I have boiled down the complication into a simple patter. It's the same thing I'll always ask them. After I have listened to the issue and I've determined that I've gotten all the information possible. I ask them what the problem is?
What is the problem?
This is a relatively simple question because there has to be one for there to be an issue. If a person just "felt" like he shouldn't be in the relationship and he doesn't understand what the problem is, then that's the problem! He's in the relationship in the first place. Everyone I've ever met, every person I've ever talked to always complicates things. I'm going to make a wild assumption in saying that you right now, you who are reading this, has had a problem in your life. What do I do? How do I handle this? You've felt helpless and insecure. I have. I'll admit that right here and now. I wouldn't even be writing this hub if I didn't feel I had some experience and some insight into the horrible HORRIBLE machinations that are behind confusion and uncertainty. I just found a way out. I don't get confused and I always know what I want. This is just some advice I hope might help you if you ever need it.
What is the problem?
Once you figure that out, the rest is even easier. It transforms into...
What is the solution?
Immediately the person lists off things that have nothing to do with anything. That individual is what I'd like to call "a complicator!" I have a very particular friend that tends to overcomplicate everything. It's rather sad to me because life doesn't have to be complicated, it can be easy and it can be simple. If you don't agree with this then you might just want to consider thinking back on situations and looking to find if you can easily find a solution. What is the solution? It's blah blah blah. Okay, then do that and your problem will be solved. If you feel it's too hard to do that solution then suffer in the inability of not being able to confront situations that need to be handled in life and never feel happy. Done. It's harsh but it's true.
This is the simple patter I ask people. I always get the same reactions. The same justifications or reasons or excuses as to why that problem can't be solved. It's easy. It's all very simple. Which leads me to my next point.
Relationships Are Easy!!
That title ^ right there is the summation of what I tell all of my friends. Any other reason, excuse, mopey, whiney, justified, bullsh!t blah blah blah whatever that they come up with doesn't matter. A relationship is easy. A relationship is two people agreeing that they are together. So how the hell does something as simple as that turn into Kim Kardashian? Well she's a completely different piece of work so I'm not going there but for the most part, average Joe and Jane shouldn't have anything wrong with making a relationship-cake, bake well.
So it's 2011 and boyfriend and girlfriend status on Facebook lasts for about a month. If they're lucky. Well obviously they wanted to be together, what happened?
Well for the sake of simplifying things because I really don't want to get into all of the variables, they weren't ready. Either Joe or Jane, doesn't matter. The relationship they got into was purely for sex. When one or both got tired of each other they broke it off and since nobody likes losing or being wrong, being dumped fits into those categories. Now that that is out of the way, what about two people that are trying to make a relationship work?
That right there is the problem in and of itself. A relationship isn't work. A relationship is two people agreeing to be together. Listening to the woes of the day, easing the stresses of tomorrow, handling the problems you just can't seem to handle! A partner is someone you confide your sensitivity to. All of the pain and sadness and sorrow and hurt you have, you trust it to someone else. That's really what it is. You might not agree with me but then ask yourself, if you haven't done that did you really trust them? Here's a really good example, can you burp or fart in the presence of your partner? Those things are embarrassing! Of course not! Well if not them then who? Wait for them to leave? Anyway, those details are beside the point. What I'm trying to say is Joe and Jane are partners. That's all there is to it.
If you stop putting your feelings into keeping the relationship alive, then it becomes work and you no longer want to be with them. It shouldn't be difficult. I've never found it difficult. If it's difficult ask yourself what's so difficult about this? Why is it so complicated? It's simple! I'm circling back to the first part! What's the problem? After you've discovered that, then ask, what's the solution? There is always a solution. Silently brooding and resigning yourself to a horrible marriage is a solution, I wouldn't say it's the optimum solution but it is one. You've got to find the solution that makes you happy. If it isn't true for you then it isn't true. You can't like something you don't like. So you shouldn't be with someone you don't want to be with.
It Ends Now
I was never really going to go into detail about the issues of my friends. It's their business and it doesn't belong on the internet. The purpose behind this was to explain the reality that I have on this subject and to hopefully enlighten somebody on the issues that are so prevalent in each of their lives. It ended up becoming a bit of a rant but that's because I'm tired of the same issues from the same people. All we want is to find somebody to love. (thanks to Queen for that most excellent adage) Best friends will become bitter enemies, civilizations have ended and futures have bloomed gloriously all in the name of love. But to love isn't what should be focused on. We all can love. The thing is can we find someone we are ABLE to love. Once you've found that person, if you feel that you love them, you love them. If love feels real, it's never fake. Doubts and uncertainties are unimportant. They become an issue when you let those things overcome the simplicity in knowing you love your partner. They have your back. You just have to let them.
There are so many differing opinions and resources and information out there regarding this topic. I feel that overcomplicates things yet again. If you've got an issue go ahead and leave me a comment. You might not like my answer but this is the internet, anonymity isn't exactly guaranteed on this website but it's not like we are all neighbors. We'll get upset and we'll disagree. This entire thing might just make you rage but this is what I believe to be true. So I dare you, ask away, and thanks for taking the time to read.