Choosing Your Love Life

Are we soley to blame then when a relationship fails? Is that what is being implied with the statement that we have exactly the love life that we want? The statement is a harsh truth but a truth none-the-less. There are times when a person enters into a relationship blindly. A person can often be so focused on being in a relationshiop that he/she gives very little thought to the person that he/she is entering into the relationship with. Most people tend to give more thought to the type of car or house they are buying than the type of person they are committing themselves to.

When making a big purchase like a car or a house, people ask all sorts of questions. If buying a used car, one will ask if it has the car been in any accidents? How many miles does the car have on it? How many owners has the car had? Even if buying a brand new car, one will still have questions. How many miles to the gallon? What type of engine does it have? What type of extras does it have on the inside?

When purchasing a house, you would want to know similar information before buying the house. Has the house had any remodeling done? How old is the roof? How old is the wiring and plumbing? How much do the taxes run in the area where the house is located?

In both, the purchase of a car and/or house, one will also look for what sutes their needs and/or wants. If you are single, you may be more interested in a smaller, sportie, or compact vehicle. If you have or are looking to have children, you may be more interested in a larger, roomier, SUV type vehicle. A single person would lean more toward an apartment than a house since a house requires a long term committment that he/she may not be ready for. However, if a single person were ready to committ to the purchase of a house, he/she would probably be interested in something small and efficient where as a person in a relationship, such as marriage, would probably prefer a house that is more spacious yet still efficient.

I found this statement to be interesting because I have never heard the problems with woman and relationships summed up so, well, honestly.

It would be easy to say that this is just a movie and has no relevancy to real life. Yes, the characters are fictional and the events that take place are fiction as well, however, most fiction is only so to a certain degree. The concepts introduced in movies are quite real. An actual thought process took place that was initiated by an event that took place, which lead to an conceptual result. Therefore, the statement does is relevant to real life.

We all have our own concept as to what the experience of a relationship is supposed to be. That concept is influenced by our lives. It is influenced by other relationships that we witness, both fictinoal and non-fictional, along with the successes and heartaches told by those around us. Once that concept is developed, whether sound or not, it becomes the basis of every relatinoship that we enter into. If the concept is sound, conceived from postive influences, then the odds are more in favor of that concept providing a good base for a good relationship. If the concept is not sound, conceived from negative influences, then the odds change. The concept will more than likely provide for a failed relationship.

We do, however, find every excuse possible for a failed relationship. The movie, He's Just Not That Into You, for example, takes a look at the art of excuses that women, and perhaps men as well, have perfected. We tell ourselves just about anything in order to avoid place any fault on ourselves.

Knowing what we want out of a relationship is an important and, sometimes, difficult question to answer. Some of us spend our time window shopping relationships because we don't know what we want. We stand at the counter of love repeating "Ummmm. Ummmm..." because we don't know what we want. In my family, we have a saying. If you don't know what you want to eat then you're not hungry. I think the same goes for love and relationships. If you don't know what you want in a relationship then you're not ready for a relationship. Now, I don't mean to say that you should be alone. No. Stay in the dating stage. It is through dating that we rule out what it is that we want and don't want. When you reach the point where you can walk up to that counter and say, with confidence, what is that you want, then you're ready to take a chance on a relationship.

To find out what you want, you have to ask yourself some important questions. You also need to ask your partner some questions. I am not suggesting that you sit your partner down, shine a light in his/her face, and grill them about their past. Would you like that? Most of what you want to learn about your partner will come in time through the getting-to-know-you process, and it's important to remember not to ask anything of your partner that you're not willing to fess up about yourself.

You need to be honest with yourself as well as your partner when it comes to the type of relatinoship that you want. For example:

• What are your goals, and are they the same as your partner's?
• What is your belief system?
• Is your partner's belief system different from yours, and are you ok with that?
• What are your political views? Do they differ from your partner's? Is this a problem?
• Do you and your partner respect your differences in opinion?
• How far do you and your partner want the relationship to go?
• Are you and your partner in agreement when it comes to having children?

It is also important to learn about each other's families. My great-grandmother used to say that if you tell her who you hang around with, she'll tell you the type of person that you are. Like it or not, this tends to be true. It is important to learn about your partner's family and friends. For example:

• Are the families close?
• Is there a history of violence in the families?
• Are the families blended?
• Is there a history of substance abuse, or any type of abuse in the families?
• Are the friends a bad influence?
• Is there a criminal history with the friends and/or families?

It is wrong to be judgemental about these issues. Coming from an abusive family does not mean that all persons from that family will become abusive. Abuse and addiction are bad cycles to find yourself caught up in, and though it does not mean a person WILL become an abuser becuase they are part of an abusive family, it is pretty safe to say that the person will have some issues that will need to be worked out for that person's sake. Remember, in a relationship, just like with life, you take the good with the bad. However, that is your choice to make whether to become involved with that type of situation.

People who find themselves in a months or years long relationship that they are not happy in because of one reason or another tend to wonder how it is they ended up in an unhappy relationship. I will hear them complain about how the person is, what the person does, and then they will say they don't know why they put up with it. Well, I don't either. The signs of a relationship going bad usually show themselves with the first couple of months or so. Problem is that we CHOOSE to ignore these signs and tell ourselves that things will change or that we can change them. Wrong. You cannot just sit back and hope for the best. You have to be proactive in your relationship. You cannot change anyone who does not want to change. In that situation, hard decisions will have to be made. Just remember that there is nothing wrong with taking your own side.

"Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things." -- Keanu Reeves

"Assumptions are the termites of relationships." -- Henry Winkler

"Relationships based on obligation lack dignity." -- Wayne Dyer

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." -- Lucille Ball

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it." -- Audrey Hepburn

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." -- Mother Teresa

You should be content with yourself, respect yourself, and have some understanding of who you are before you should seek out a relationship. As people grow, people go through changes. As people grow together, people change together so it is important to be open and understanding. Give and receive as equally as possible. It is not possible to look up one's butt and read one's mind so if you have a mind to speak of then speak it. When it comes to relationships, ask yourself some serious questions and demand some serious answers. Do the same with whomever you are seeking a relationship with. Know what you want or else you fall for anything but. Be honest, including with yourself, be realistic, and balance the two with being romantic.