The Side Bitch Confessions- synopsis

Side Chick: A woman that is one level above a jump off but always a step below the wife, wifey, girlfriend. A side chick must know her part. She does not get holidays, birthdays (other than her own). While he may meet your family, you will never meet his. (www.urbandictionary.com 1999-2011)

I don’t know when it started, where it came from or why is it happening to me; maybe it’s the effective outcome of my abandonment issues. The only thing that I can tell you is this is not the life I asked for. When I was a little girl, like most little girls, I would dream of my wedding day. I would dream of a summer wedding outside in a field of lush green grass. I would dream of my wedding dress. It would be a traditional white wedding dress with a long flowing train and a tiara with a veil. My hair would be styled in an up-do and my makeup would be light except for my cherry red lips and rosy cheeks. My father would walk me down the beautifully constructed isle made from Italian marble and the decorations would be white roses and purple floral patterns all over. On one side of the aisle, where the bride’s party sat, I would see my mother with tears rolling down her cheeks and pride in her eyes. The pastor stood in front of me and to his immediate left, stood my husband-to-be. His palms are sweaty and eyes shifting back and forth anxiously waiting. Suddenly his mood changes as I walk down the aisle and towards him. He becomes very calm with the biggest smile on face and the way he looked at me, it was like I was the most beautiful thing he ever saw. He couldn’t wait to make me his wife.

Back to reality and I’m standing here, alone, in my little efficiency apartment. I’m wondering what happened to my childhood fantasy and when will it all become a reality or if it will ever become a reality. I quickly found out that life isn’t the pretty picture that was painted in my mind as a kid. My world was made up of princesses and princes. I truly believed that anything was possible and that all dreams do come true. However, reality will slap some sense into you and make you wake up and open your eyes. It is quite possible that Prince Charming accidentally dropped Cinderella’s glass slipper shattering it as he was about to put it on her foot; then left her in that shack of a house with her stepmother and stepsisters because he has no possible way of finding his princess, so he asked himself “Why take a chance?”. It is quite possible that Snow White was never awakening out of her deep sleep. Maybe her Prince was thrown off his trail and was led into another kingdom far, far away from Snow White’s kingdom that was also far, far away. While lost in this strangely fascinating kingdom, the Prince meets another Princess that was just as beautiful. So why should he bother trying to save Snow White? He does what any normal man would do; he starts a relationship with the other woman.

My point is maybe fairytales doesn’t exist. Maybe all the stories that ended with happily ever after really ended with tragically ever after but as humans we need something to look forward to. We need some sort of hope in this world to keep us driven and alive. As hard as life is, it’s even harder when you are treated a certain way by individuals based on race, economic status and even domestic status. As a black woman, we have to work hard to be successful, we have to work hard to prove we are good wives, mothers and over all good citizens of the community. We have to do all of this and still manage to keep our sanity. The hardest part for me is being twenty- eight years old, fairly attractive, black and single. Yes single, because a single, black female is lunch meat for a man that has a wife and kids at home.

Men that want to step out on his wife, usually prey on the lonely and desperate. A woman with no man is easier to have a fling with. The guy doesn’t have to worry about being attacked or stalked by her significant other. A woman with no children is also easier to date because she has no serious commitments leaving excessive amounts of time for him, which is perfect because the only reason why he’s cheating in the first place is because his home life is less than perfect or a complete disaster and he needs a little relief or the company of someone that makes him feel appreciated. Also, a woman with no children has no baggage. He doesn’t have to worry about his side chick asking for ridiculous amounts of money to pay for school clothes, hair dos or doctor bills or whatever else a child may need. At the most, a single woman with no man or children may ask for from her married boyfriend, is couple of dollars to pay a bill that is overdue. For the married or unavailable man, this is the best of both worlds. For this particular man, it is heaven.

What is an unavailable man? This is a question I get often from friends or family members. I find myself never using the term “husband” or “boyfriend”. A boyfriend is considered to be someone whom we are not married but we are exclusively seeing only each other; we are monogamous. We both work, we both have our own lives, aside from the lives that we share with each other. A husband is the same as a boyfriend except a husband is on a more exclusive level. A husband is someone a woman does not mind tolerating through all his flaws. He is the sole provider for this family. Yes, his wife is working but it’s the man's duty to keep everything together, financially. His life is no longer his life. A married couple is now one person. If the husband makes a decision, the decision will affect the entire family. Either way you prefer to define both terms, these are titles that you have to earn. Then there’s the unavailable man. He is in a league all his own. He is a man that is committed to his lady and his family as a provider and protector for them, however he is not monogamous. In fact, monogamy isn’t in his vocabulary. The unavailable man cheats on a regular and has no remorse for his infidelity. He has sex with other women and can still go home at night and kiss his wife and kids goodnight and sleep light a baby. An unavailable man knows what he is doing is wrong and he is very careful not to let his family find out. Always remember, the unavailable man, is a provider and protector and he will protect his family from whatever danger may come their way, physically and emotionally.

For a single black woman with no kids and on top on that she’s well-grounded and successful or has potential for success, finding a boyfriend and most definitely finding a husband will be extremely difficult and frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, this woman is an excellent catch. Men will practically throw themselves at her but remember she is successful or has potential for success and she has no kids. All these things represent a woman with high standards so any man will not do. He has to be a brother with the same qualities that she has. He has to be on her level or above it. Most women like her prefer a man with no children but if he is on her level or above and if he genuinely wants to make something happen, she will pick her battles and settle for this man. After all, beggars can’t be choosers. Finding a black man with these qualities will be a challenge and to get him to take the biggest step of all, to settle down with her, is even more challenging. There is a good reason why more and more men are choosing not to get married. Men no longer believe in the sanctity of marriage. My generation has been tarnished by the Lil Wayne videos that have strippers making their oily butts clap in front of the camera, Kim Kardashian posing nude on the cover of Playboy and Maxim magazine, and let’s not forget the rising adult film industry. Porn and stripping is becoming the most sought after occupation for little girls in this millennium. The fast money and attention from men can be addictive to many girls with low self- esteem and self-hate issues. So it's not hard to figure out why men’s perception of how a woman should behave is blinded and the worth of a woman is as valuable as a Mexican peso. Men are also afraid of being eternally scarred. It is a known fact that men fall in love faster than women and their hearts are also broken more easily than women. For these reasons, most men will go at extremely slow pace of popping the big question.

A typical side chick has standards; she is typically a good wholesome, God fearing, religious but very rarely will she ever be a church girl or a preacher's daughter. This woman doesn't have difficulty finding a man; she has difficulty finding the right man. She will not mess around with just anybody but a jump off will. A jump off is good for only one thing, a quickie. She has no standards and most of the time a typical jump-off isn't very bright. In fact the most you will have to do is pay her a small fee and she's happy. This seems like prostitution to me and you but to a jump off she's getting hers while he's getting his. It is an even trade; however a side chick does not consider herself to be a whore and her boyfriend doesn’t treat her like one either. A side chick is only having sexual relations with that man and only him. In fact, if the man ever chooses to leave his wife, the side chick would be the one he chooses to be with. She knows him and he trusts her. He molded her into the woman his wife use to be. In fact, most men will choose a side chick based on his wife’s own unique qualities or the qualities she once possessed before she “changed”. After having boyfriends who had side families I quickly realized that choosing a side chick was not a random selection, it’s a process. The unavailable man will be extremely carefully while picking this lucky woman to mess around with. He has to make sure she is not the needy, possessive type or it will leave his family in danger of emotional devastation. Women don’t understand this process; they don’t even know that most men’s infidelity is strategically planned. All they can say and think about is “This woman is taking my husband and tearing my family apart”. So they blame the side chick for their failed relationships. That is a common misconception. If these women knew the truth about their marriages, they would be hurt or even devastated. Women are strong yet emotional creatures, the only way to completely destroy a woman is to attack the one thing we take pride in, which is usually our families. A woman can’t stand knowing that she is so no longer fulfilling her duties as a wife. Our worth is our power, as long as a man feels like she’s worthy of keeping, he’s not going to let her go.

I admit there are a few side chicks that will occasionally step out of line and try to step into his world uninvited. The murder of NFL player Steve McNair is a perfect example, his side chick murdered him because he refused to take their relationship to the next level even though McNair was married with four children. Luckily, women like that are rare. Usually the jump off is the type of chick to pull a crazy stunt like that because she is an ignorant, classless hood rat. A side chick is at least one level below a wife or girlfriend. That means there’s a level of trust between her and her boyfriend. Sex isn’t their only magical connection they have with each other. She is also his confidant. The side chick is the one that keeps the relationship between the man and his wife together. She offers advice as to how he can fix the marriage. She offers little suggestions he can use to make her happy so they can stop arguing about whatever it is they are arguing about. She acts as a psychiatric therapist for her boyfriend. He talks to her about things he can’t openly share with his wife. They talk about his job, his closest friends, his family life and his childhood; they even talk about his wife and his kids. Remember, a side chick isn't just a sex buddy, she is his girlfriend. He cares about her and she cares about him. He does things for her as if he didn't have a wife at home. He gives her money when she needs it. He takes care of little things around her house, like fixing something that might be broken. He gives her unsolicited advice and he takes her out on dates. They are indeed in a real relationship.

Here's a little tip for the wives, once a man’s heart isn't where his home is, he's usually found another place for it. Meaning, the relationship is dead and often times there is no saving it, especially when ever attempt to save it has failed. A side chick is the replacement, she will never be his wife, she will never have his heart the way his wife had it. His wife is the mother of his children; she is the first women that he ever wanted to just keep around for no reason other than he loves her. However, once the divorce is said and done and the man is ready to move on, the side chick resumes role as wifey. In some cases the man is hesitate at moving in with her. Most men are careful about who they let in their homes as well as their hearts. Then there are the lucky females that get their happily ever after. "All is fair in love and war" A side chick knows her role. She finds her marker and when the director yells "lights, camera, & action" her academy award winning performance begins. We stay in our places for one reason and one reason only. We want what his wife already has. We want our boyfriends to make us a wife. So we behave, play the good girl role, we sit and wait for his relationship crumble and when it does we are there to console him and pick up the broken pieces. Can karma come back and bite us in the ass? It sure can. Do we care? Not at all, it’s a chance we are willing to take. So wives do have a reason to worry but she should never be afraid. She can easily save her marriage. How she saves her marriage is up to her.