Confused Love Life part 2
- Is he thinking about me?
- Will He come home one day?
- Is he in love with me still?
- What the hell is he thinking?
- "oh no vegas = sex"
- He's going to find someone new
- Will he ask me to make the move?
- How can i make him change his mind?
The Post Departure
One whole week went went by when my love Mr. Guitar left to find himself and to better his future. My heart was disintegrating and the long days of sobbing and questioning myself did not seem to want to end. I called and txt daily just to see how the vegas life was working out for him (i was hoping he'd want to come home already) To the beaches and the beauty of Hawaii, his home. He was having a blast, i couldn't blame him he was with his pals, moving into a bachelor pad. I tried to be happy but i couldn't. As much as i wanted him happy i also wanted him to miss me, or at least say it. Just a little something to help ease my heavy head.
Little Talks Was all We Had
My Life Without Him
We had our routine, i'd go out with my friends and end up getting wasted. Even more when he left, and i'd climb into bed and cuddle up, he took care of me when i was sick, he even had to shower me once. Haha very funny story, after the bar i wanted to see my love Mr. Guitar(it was always like that) my friend had to personally push me up the stairs and seeing him at the top of the stairs with his sleepy eyes smiling, "oh no! what the hell happened?" Yes i was very intoxicated.
Back on the subject my days were dark, i'd listen to the saddest music through out the day, i couldn't eat, i did not want to sleep all i tried doing was constantly checking my phone to see if i got anything from him. When i didn't, i'd cry even more. Months later nothing was getting better, i hated myself deeply. "why didn't he want me there?" Still the lingering question to this day.
I went to see a doctor to "talk" instead he prescribed me anti-depressants and anxiety medication… that made me even more zombie like.
I started to go out about 4 months after his departure, and that when I would binge drink, Drink until i couldn't feel, meeting other guys in the bar haha they tried, i hated all men at that point, it never worked, i always ended up called him thinking i could just go to his house so he could take care of my drunken self. I drowned in medication and alcohol not caring if i didn't wake up, i just wanted the pain to end and i didn't know how to fix it.
To Live With The Long Distance
6 months in getting out of the house, trying to be more productive, trying to look for a job, just trying to better myself. The hurt was always there but still i accepted to live with it. We'd talk on the phone every week , Text message almost everyday. Still waiting for the invitation to his heart, still i never heard what i wanted to hear, his voice was almost to confident and made me want to curl up and disappear. I knew he was the love of my life,
the kind of love i could never find.
The kind of love that didn't want me to look elsewhere
The kind of love i missed
The kind of love where i felt safe
The kind of love that helped my sanity
Forever i Wanted
I'd always battle with myself, all of this mess made me self-conscious.
He was never going to want me like he used to.
Yet i start to think he never wanted me at all. just to use me as something that built his ego and something he knew he could control.
I started a new job in January, and started to date a older man, it was known to Mr. Guitar that i found someone that might have replaced him. I finally felt happy. I knew Mr. Guitar messed around in Vegas. We were at least honest with each other about those kinds of things...
I Dated a man for a month then i get a phone call from Mr. Guitar...
The Phone Call
"I miss you" he said
that already sparked up my heart
"i want you to come and live with me, i want to take care of you, I'm ready!"
"when do you want to come up? a month? a week?"
You have no idea how long i waited for this , for him to tell me those simple words that opened up my heart and made me feel as if all my wishes came true! Of course i said yes
So i Stopped dating the guy and was yet again addicted to every word Mr, Guitar said. And played it in my head over and over and over again =)
i Could Breath again
Post Phone Call
Me and Mr. Guitar talked everyday after that, mostly me asking him constantly "are you sure your ready?"
He was very stern on what he said and wanted me there with him, to grow, and, travel, and build "us"
A week went by without talking, and i was worried, "did he change his mind yet again?"
I called and he sounded the same as usual but the conversation had went south when he changed his mind about that phone call, he was just not ready…. again
he told me to come "visit" ha… not funny
I was torn apart, i fell back into depression, he played me like his guitar, he changed like the wind, but that was him and just the way he was.
I was just let down yet again
One Year later
I found myself to become a very bitter person, bitter to love, and other sorts. He didn't do this to me, i let it happen. So for those wondering "what happened" Absolutely nothing. Sweet nothings. Mr. Guitar remains in Nevada, as well as in my thoughts sad to say my heart also. I in paradise Hawaii with none but the memories of the time we loved and no one could stop us.
Im just used to this aching trend we put each other through, for now I'm heading to vegas in october to visit and we'll see how this pans out. thanks for reading hope you enjoyed this wrenching true story