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D is for Divorce

Updated on January 27, 2012
Heidi Klum and Seal now walking the path of divorce.
Heidi Klum and Seal now walking the path of divorce. | Source

Divorce is a bad word, but it's not the end of the world.

Add Heidi Klum and Seal to the list of broken marriages. People we thought were rock solid, like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, J. Lo and Marc Anthony, all headed to divorce court. Worst of all, they have children involved. Darn it, why can't all couples live happily ever after?

So what is involved with divorce?

I was not a willing participant, but got to know the lessons of the "School of Hard Knocks," regardless of being dragged in by my heels. If someone would have asked me, "do you believe in Divorce?" I would have answered, "no way!" Unfortunately, it takes two people to get married, but only one person to get a divorce. In case you're still wondering, I wasn't the one who quit the marriage.

Here's the low down of why people get divorced:

  1. Irreconcilable differences. I call BS. There are no "irreconcilable differences," only stubborn and insecure individuals. They use this excuse to go find a "soul mate" behind your back, or point fingers at you for everything that goes wrong in a relationship. Look, if you want to fix things, there's always hope to find a therapist to work with you. But, if you've never developed coping skills, well, I guess this excuse is the way to go.
  2. Emotional/mental/verbal/physical/substance abuse. That says it all: If you had to put up with someone who had complete disrespect of you, and had to punish you mentally, physically or with abusing their own body to show you they don't "give a sh*t," then it's high time to pack up and leave. For your own good.
  3. "I'm not in love with you any more." This is a camouflage for cheating. Refer to rule #1. Someone else has taken your place and you are no longer important. They "love you" but are not "in love" with you. Translation: "I'm in love with my lover now, and you are toast." For your own sanity, don't question "why?" Accept that this person just doesn't appreciate your loving qualities, and cut loose the dead weight.
  4. Infidelity. Sharing is not caring when it comes to monogamy. Not cool when you share your privates with some other person. Please refer to rule #1 and #3.
  5. Apathy. That would qualify for rule #1. When you stop caring about someone, and your marriage in general, then what's the point? This can come about from distance, growing apart, or just plain lack of communication. Sad but true. It only takes one person to let the ball drop. And there's nothing you can do about it, no matter how hard you try, or you turn blue in the face trying.

For anyone contemplating a divorce, I urge you to read more about the consequences. Your life will never be the same again when you file for divorce, especially when children are involved. If Demi Moore has taught us anything, it's that life is ever evolving, and no one defines you, but yourself. Keep your focus on your own life and goals, and you'll do fine.

"D" is for divorce, but that doesn't necessarily mean something bad. For some, it's a time of re-awakening, re-discovery. What you think is the worst tragedy in your life could be the best triumph for your goals.

If you have any comments or questions, feel free to message me: I live for feedback. My best wishes to everyone, whether or not they walk the path of divorce.

Demi Moore is a role model for women to show what "not to do" in a relationship.
Demi Moore is a role model for women to show what "not to do" in a relationship. | Source
Time to walk alone.
Time to walk alone. | Source

What would justify a divorce?

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    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Have to agree with you there, fjones. I believed in the "institution of marriage" and all it stood for. It seems my divorce has left me a bit jaded about putting so much trust into someone.

      Two words of advice I give to people considering legal marriage: "pre-nuptual agreement." Add kids to the mix, and if you have different parenting methods, ay, yay, yay.

      Good luck to you, with being a good dad, and having a healthy connection to them. Things would be so much easier if we could all just get along, and make peace with the past, right? Hope your future is one of happy memories with your family.

    • fjones0052 profile image

      fjones0052 5 years ago from Washington State

      Are you talking about marriage as an institution, or marriage as an idea. As an institution, it will continue as long as there are legal benefits attached to it (taxes, etal). As an idea, it will never go away. Both sexes yearn for an exclusive partner where they are free to be themselves and still have sex.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Thank you for the male perspective, fjones. I guess it isn't that different from the female: basically, you either have sympathy for your kids and your ex-spouse or you don't. Divorce also brings out the "differences" in spouses, like who is family-centric, and who is the selfish type. Throughout the marriage, people behave their own way but love often camouflages the truth. Then divorce removes the blinders, and you're like, "oh my God, who is this person I was married to for all these years?" It would be refreshing to know a man who worries about his kids' life. My ex sure doesn't show any sign of empathy.

      Oh, and celebrities are caricatures of real people. I think the only ones who have a good marriage (and stay together) are the ones who don't take their celebrity status too seriously and fall out of the public eye. I have a feeling marriage will soon be a dinosaur. Attitudes about commitment have changed so much over the last few decades, and the cost of divorce is crazy. Only the very brave will continue to "make the trip down the isle."

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

    • fjones0052 profile image

      fjones0052 5 years ago from Washington State

      I definitely agree with you. The only irreconsilable difference is abuse. We, as humans, have the beautiful powere to cause our minds to think a certan way. We control our environment to suit us. I wasn't entirely blind-sided by my divorce, but I was by some of the things my ex did during the divorce (falsly accusing me of molesting my children was the biggest). There was no reconciliation after that. We had gone to councilors, but I was not going to take all the blame for the marriage falling apart, which she tried to tell everyone around us. Divorce sucks for people who actually want a happy family life. To be honost, I don't understand why celebraties get married in the first place. How many people in the entertainment industry actually stay married, or only have 1 divorce? And when kids are involved, it's never a happy time. I watched a good movie, called 'Bye Bye Love', and it had an awesome men's perspective about how fathers relate to their children after the divorce, and the intense fear that how am I screwing up my kids life. Divorce generally doesn't kill you, but there are days I wish it could.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks, and you've got that right, Rick: if just one person reads it and looks at the big picture before filing, then it is worth it. And true also, that when you have a longstanding history with someone, there are far more hurtful memories than with someone you just meet, and newly fall in love with. Maybe forgiveness is easier when your heart hasn't been broken repeatedly by one person.

      Caroline: thanks, and always happy to have you stop by. I think divorce is like the flu: a regular cold tenfold. Breakups are bad enough, but divorce is a slow, grinding death of a marriage. You have to grieve the loss like someone close to you has died. I think going through therapy to learn how to break up with love for your partner is the best way to go. You can still "love" your spouse, but realize they are not the right one for you. I didn't know this until I read "Mars and Venus Starting Over." Cheaters, IMO, have not only given up on their vows, but show total disrespect for a person that loves them. The scar of betrayal can never heal completely. Someone on HP wrote in a comment: when you cheat, you put cracks in the foundation, and you can't build on a cracked foundation. Very good analogy.

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 5 years ago

      Great article Sheila. Breakups are always hard to hear about and deal with. Divorce is even harder. I also believe that a lot of the excuses are cop-outs when a person is cheating and has already gave up on the relationship. It was sad to hear of Heidi Klum and Seal's divorce. I wasn't expecting that one. They seemed like a happy couple.

    • profile image

      Poetic Fool 5 years ago

      You're right that most couples give up far too easily and that most differences can be resolved if both are committed to doing so. Sometimes, though, one partner has inflicted so much hurt, shown so much disrespect to the other that they have killed what love the other had. I know this from experience. I think this is what you are saying in #2. It's one thing when it's just the couple. It is especially tragic when there are kids involved.

      This is an good hub because you are trying to get people to really think before they pursue divorce. If only one person reads it and decides to work on their marriage instead of run from it, then you will have done a great thing! Voted up!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Great insight from you as usual, dashingscorpio. The Hub was just a tad bit of my own venting, since during my entire divorce, the term "irreconcilable differences" was used, and it's like a lie: if you never give a marriage a chance to be "reconciled," then how can you claim it to be "irreconcilable?"

      Maybe there should be different categories for divorce, like just "incompatible differences" or "deemed untrustworthy"... there really are so many different reasons to call it quits, but the term "irreconcilable differences" just sounds like a lame excuse.

      And I 100% agree about the thought that staying for the sake of staying is just as bad as marrying for the wrong reasons. Although I didn't believe in divorce while I was married, now I see how soul-crushing it is to stay in a bad marriage. You better believe my ex wasn't "the one," and I see that now. The tables sure turned in my perspective, and I feel blessed to have a second chance to find a real love connection in my life (knowing what qualities to look for in a partner). I sincerely believe that one should only be part of a couple if the other person brings out the best in him or her, and compliments a whole person. No one should make you feel worse or tied down in life-- even for a second. I feel like an advocate of healthy relationships because of my experiences. I joke often (but seriously) that "no one told me these things." Since they don't have courses on relationships and finding a compatible mate in HS, I feel it behooves me to pass along the information I've gathered reading about it over the years.

      The trick now is to follow my own advice. ;)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      I believe your statement,"D" is for divorce, but that doesn't necessarily mean something bad. For some, it's a time of re-awakening, re-discovery" pretty much says it all! :-)

      As for (Irreconcilable differences) I think there is some truth in that term. There are a lot of folks who had no business getting married to one another in the first place! They were too young, a pregnancy happened, all their friends were doing it, the sex was great, it was a matter of taking things to the next step..etc In fact most people don't invest the time to really get to know someone before they give their heart to them. Once they realize they aren't on the same page they end up trying to change each other, seeing a therapist to learn how to compromise, or they come to the realization that they made a mistake. When you get right down to it divorce means someone in the marriage feels they selected the wrong partner to spend their life with. This happens when we merge our life with another person without knowing (who we are) or what we really want or need from a mate. If your ex was the one that wanted out then he/she was not "the one".

      In order for someone to be "the one" they must also see you as being "the one". Staying together for the sake of staying together is just as bad as getting married for the wrong reason in my opinion. Even in our justice systems we eventually let most criminals out of jail at some point. A person shouldn't have to stay in marriage they don't want to be in and I for one would not want someone staying with me who did not want to be with me.

      Also I believe the term "Irreconcilable differences" came about because divorce is a public record. A lot of people did not like having put their dirty laundry out in the open nor did they want to have make up a so call "valid reason"for ending an unhappy marriage. "Irreconcilable differences" just means we no longer want the same things and unless one of us changes our (core being) there is no way we can work it out. If you have to change (who you are) to be loved by someone then you are with the wrong person to begin with.

      As for the "I'm not in love with you" line sometimes people have a way of bending over backwards to impress us at the start of a "new relationship" only to revert to there "natual selves" once there is an emotional investment. A lot of people call it "bait & switch". It's not uncommon to hear someone say, "He/She is not the same person I fell in love with." The truth is that person did not really exist. I wrot a hub about these types of people. Divorce is not the end of the world. In fact every ending is a new beginning!:-)