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5 Signs He's Married

Updated on August 20, 2011

In the age of internet dating, it’s amazingly easy to date a married person without realizing it. It’s especially easy if you’re having a long distance romance. I suppose women are guilty of this kind of crap as well, but, let’s face it – it’s mostly men doing it. So today we’re going to look at 5 basic signs that will clue you in on his being married.

Notice I'm not even going to bother with the most obvious one, which would be "You've never been to his house". This is more for women who haven't had the opportunity, whether due to long distance dating or other factors, which makes not having been there yet seem reasonable thus far. Right, here we go:

You only have a cell phone number for him.

Well, yeah – he’s married, not stupid. He knows you’re eventually going to get a whiff of that wedding band, and when you do, he doesn’t want you calling his house in the middle of the night. His seven kids have school in the morning, and the wife looks crap when she doesn’t get a proper night's sleep. Girlfriend, if you don’t have a landline number for him, he’s hiding something (Exception: He's single, but thinks you have stalker potential.)

He puts the toilet seat down and buses his own dishes.

This guy’s trained, and he’s probably married. No, divorced doesn’t count. When they get divorced they revert to their slovenly ways immediately. And usually get worse. If he’s conditioned to do this, someone made him this way. It was either his wife, or his mother – and the latter is even worse. (Exception: He’s anal retentive – be afraid.)

He’s incredibly randy, all of the time.

Married men looking to cheat are usually doing so cos they never get the goods at home. This guy is obsessed with all things kinky, and wants you to do all manner of kinky things to him. Um, things his wife would never do. He’s ready to go the moment he sees you, and ready to go again immediately thereafter (Exception: You’re dating a 19 year old – go on with your bad self.)

He wears tighty whities.

Married men don’t care about underwear, cos their wives go out of their way not to look. Single men care and will likely be wearing something other than tighty whities. The married man will wish he was wearing something sexy, but knows he can't – if the wife caught him in a leopard banana hammock he’d be in court by the end of the week. (Exception: You're dating Robbie Williams, and I hate you for it.)

He pays for everything in cash.

You can figure this one out, right? Credit card statements are easily accessible to the wife. She’d probably get a little upset if she saw “honeymoon suite at the Ritz” show up on there. That’s why he’s gotta be smooth and pay in cash. (Exception: He has horrible credit.)

Obviously some of these can apply to single blokes. However, if you see all 5 with one guy…you'd better check that ring finger one more time, cos the man probably has a wife!


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