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Dating for Introverts

Updated on April 4, 2011

Introverts are known for being shy, aloof loners, so it comes as no surprise that the prospect of dating is, at the very least, daunting. While not all introverts are actually shy and poor with communication, introverts do find socialization to be a draining activity, hence it is difficult for them to venture forth in the world and meet new people.

This does not mean that introverts to not deserve to date, have relationships, fall in love, and get married. They deserve, need, and benefit form love just as much as extroverts do! Dating for introverts is just a bit more difficult than it is for extroverts. Thankfully, it is not impossible, and there are many hacks introverts can employ to make dating less of a stressful, uncomfortable, and exhausting activity.

What follows is a complete guide to dating for introverts, covering not only how to cope with classic introvert 'weaknesses', but also the basics of getting started, going out on dates, and having fun to boot!


Finding Dates

Before introverts can even begin to think of dating, they must find people to date, and seeing as many introverts don't get out much, this can be a real hurtle! Where does one find potential boyfriends or girlfriends if one is not regularly out at bars, clubs, shows, parties, and mixers? And even if an introvert were to force him/herself to go to these places, would they really get along well with those they met?

Though many introverts get along wonderfully with extrovert partners, it might help to look for fellow introverts as well- after all, they might undertand each other better. But again, where does one find these reclusive singles?

Traditionally, introverts found other introverts through one of five major channels: chance, history, proximity, work, and friends.

How Most Introvert Couples Meet

Chance: Two introverts might meet each other just by chance (e.g. at a party, on the street, or in a grocery store), and through serendipitous luck, begin a conversation and get to know each other from that point on.

History: Two introverts may have known each other for a long time - perhaps they grew up in the same neighborhood or attended the same school or summer camp. Years later, one might call up another and a romantic relationship could result.

Proximity: Two introverts may live or work in close proximity and may eventually strike up a conversation that could lead to eventual friendship or romance.

Work: Many introverts meet through the workplace, where their jobs require some level of regular interaction through which they get to know each other.  Alternately, introverts may meet each other introverts while taking a class and doing classwork.

Friends: Finally, introverts may be introduced to each other through meddling and matchmaking friends who think they would make a cute couple.

Clearly most of these channels cannot be controlled - all an introvert can really do to encourage the chances of finding a fellow introvert to date this way is to keep an open mind and be willing to meet new people. If an introvert wants to make a more concerted effort to find another introvert to date, however, he or she may turn to online dating sites.

Online Dating for Introverts

It should come as no surprise that there are online dating sites designed specifically for people with introverted personalities.

Shy Passions, for example, positions itself as a dating site for shy singles. While not all introverts are outwardly shy, chances are that most of the folks on this site have introverted personalities. The upside to Shy Passions is that it is 100% free. The downside is that it is a bit on the low tech side and doesn't have as extensive a userbase (or attractive a design) as larger alternatives.

Other larger dating sites, such as eHarmony and may not be designed specifically for introverts, however they do involve fairly detailed personality assessments that can ensure that you are only introduced to others with introverted tendencies.  Essentially, the top online dating sites enable introverts to find other introverts without going out in public and figuring out who is who the hard way.


Dating for Introverts

When it comes to going out on an actual date, introverts need not stress or do anything particularly unusual- in fact, staying true to oneself is just about the best thing that one can do. The best thing an introvert can do is muster up the gumption to be open-minded and sociable and honest, while maintaining one's true personality.

The gist is this:


  • Be honest
  • Get out there
  • Be as sociable as you can naturally be
  • Be easy going and have fun!


  • Get bombed
  • Isolate yourself
  • Over-think things
  • Try to be someone else
  • Be desperate (Avoid any sense of urgency. There's nothing less attractive)

And if dating is a daunting prospect, introverts can shave away stress by making the first meeting very short - just coffee at a cafe.  If even that daunts one's introvert personality, one need simply think outside the box!

"No sir, I am to be let alone."
"No sir, I am to be let alone." | Source

Think Outside the Box

One reason why introverts may find dating to be daunting is because traditional dating scenarios (e.g. hanging out at a bar, getting dinner, going to a show or party together) revolve around very extroverted activities.  Does these scenarios work for everyone? No! Do they work for introverts? More often than not, no!  Do introverts have to date this way?  Absolutely not.

Instead of putting themselves in situations that make them inherently uncomfortable, introverts can opt instead for alternative dating activities - ones that are less socially stressful and draining.  There are two major types of alternative dating formats to consider in this regard: one-on-one activities and projects.

Opt for One-On-One Activities

Instead of going on dates that involve exposure to large crowds or lots of people, consider opting for dates that are socially toned down.   These include more solitary activies, such as...

  • Hikes
  • Boating
  • Picnics
  • (Small, obscure) museum visits
  • Movies
  • In-home meals and movies

By going on dates in environments that are less socially stimulating, introverts will be less likely to feel mentally drained, will be able to enjoy themselves more, and will feel better able to be themselves and really get to know the people they date.

Opt for Projects & Challenges

One great thing to distract introverts, as well as generally shy people, from the awkwardness or stressful nature of social gatherings is to give them something to do. Introverts can apply the principle of distracting activities to dates by turning them into small, albeit fun, projects. Instead of simply wandering aimlessly or seeking passive entertainment, introverts can make a date of...

  • Volunteering
  • Taking a class
  • Building something
  • Teaching something to one's date
  • Learning something from one's date
  • Playing videogames or games in general
  • Helping (or being helped by) one's date with something (e.g. moving, home repairs)

Though some of these actives may seem mundane or even downright unromantic, they can be a real saving grace for introverted personalities, who simply need something to occupy their minds so that they may be themselves and stop worrying about social dynamics.


Good Luck!

Dating does not have to be a scary or draining activity.  It can- and should- be fun!

Extroverts shouldn't be the only people who thrive in the world of dating.  With a bit of perspective and creative thinking, Introverts can do very well indeed!

If you're an introvert, I wish you the very best of luck in the dating world, and hope that you find someone really special.  Do you have an approach to dating that worked particularly well for you? Share it in the comments!


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    • maramerce profile image

      maramerce 3 years ago from United States

      I've only had one major relationship and he was an extravert. It probably would never have happened if he hadn't been so persistent due to my introversion. He actually brought me out of my shell a ton during the time I was with him so I do appreciate him for that. He was my best friend at the time. But the first six months we dated was basically hell for him because I wasn't sure about him and I kept testing him to figure out what his intentions towards me were. He proved to be a very loyal and caring guy so I lucked out in that respect.

    • Kelsey Linker profile image

      Kelsey Linker 3 years ago from North Carolina

      I really enjoyed this! I have a dating blog as well. It's still in its infancy, but any suggestions, tips, etc. would be greatly appreciated!

    • lilcupcake profile image

      lilcupcake 4 years ago

      I have isolated myself. I got to a point where i just couldn't deal with the buzz of a social life. phones going off, people talking too much about nothing, needy people with their constant attention habits. Call me bitter, but i can only handle so much of those things.

    • profile image

      Frank 4 years ago

      I'm a huge introvert and have trouble meeting girls. I've been watching a lot of Ross Jeffries' stuff on youtube and find it very helpful (like this article)

    • theframjak profile image

      theframjak 5 years ago from East Coast

      As an extreme introvert I can relate oh so well to this hub. Thanks for writing it.

    • laurathegentleman profile image

      laurathegentleman 5 years ago from Chapel Hill, NC

      Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES. Amazing hub, with GREAT information!! I'm painfully shy, and I LOVE this. LOVE. THIS. Great work! Rating up and useful!! :)

    • Robert Erich profile image

      Robert Erich 5 years ago from California

      So I just stumbled upon an article with a picture of Audrey Hepburn, and so I had to read it. After opening it I discovered it was from the legendary Simone! Very good article. I will have to share it. However, I find it hard to believe that you are introverted. Of course, the internet does provide a new great venue for expressing yourself if you are not an obnoxiously loud individual. lol. I date an introvert and we ran into each other by chance (with a bit of pushing from me, and a bit of help from Facebook). So yes, I agree with everything you've written! Great article. Thanks for an awesome read.

    • sharonchristy profile image

      Sharon Christy 5 years ago from India

      hehe... interesting hub! :)

    • profile image

      Rhiannon_C_Knight 6 years ago from Southern Colorado

      I really enjoyed this Hub, very interesting and helpful. Thanks!

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 6 years ago from San Francisco

      Hehee, it works!

    • BreakingUp profile image

      BreakingUp 6 years ago

      No wonder I got a classmate for a husband! LOL

    • TurtleDog profile image

      TurtleDog 6 years ago

      Thanks for the hub! Good info

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 6 years ago from San Francisco

      Thank you, brennawelker! And please do!

    • brennawelker profile image

      brennawelker 6 years ago

      Thanks for the advise.I'll tell my friend about this.

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 6 years ago from San Francisco

      Oh, that's so cool!! And I SO know what you mean by 'energy vampires'. That's the perfect way to describe it!

    • The Dirt Farmer profile image

      Jill Spencer 6 years ago from United States

      Your hub's a hoot--and so true! My husband and I are both introverts, especially me. (Other people are energy vampires!) Your list of one-on-one activities is like a catalog of things we did when we were dating. (Just add cycling and it's complete.) Thanks for a fun read!

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 6 years ago from San Francisco

      What a drag, MrsSaySo! All I can say is that you're not alone. Keep your mind and your heart open and you'll find more introverts like yourself who totally get where you're coming from!

    • MrsSaySo profile image

      MrsSaySo 6 years ago from Lookin for Love

      I must be more introverted than I thought,lol. I've tried some of the things talked about here it just seems that I always meet people that just don't understand. Its a rough and hard road to walk especially alone. Not even my family has any clue of the person I really am. Tired is only the begining of how I feel.

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 6 years ago from San Francisco

      Aww!!! What a bummer, ahorseback! I'd DIE if someone made me go on a double date of any sort...

      Many introverts seem outgoing, divacratus - what makes them introverts is that social activity is draining rather than invigorating... just like playing soccer... you can be good at it, but it tires you out! Perhaps that's the sort of introvert you are! :D

    • divacratus profile image

      Kalpana Iyer 6 years ago from India

      I'm an introvert so the moment I saw the hub, I just HAD to read it. Some people argue that I'm not completely an introvert, but what do they know. I strongly believe that I'm in the introverted category. Or is there a specific category for such confused people who are not sure whether they are an introvert or an extrovert ? :|

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 6 years ago

      I could never begin to explain the pure terror of public speaking ,even in school. Once even, after high school I was kind of forced into a double date with a girl much like me . We spent the entire date just totally in silence and in numbness ,mumbling only a couple of things! Oh well, such was the loss...darned , I liked her too!...:-}...

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 6 years ago from San Francisco

      And how frustrating that can be, ahorseback! If only it were easier for introverts to explain their apparently snobbish behavior.

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 6 years ago

      Simone , Speaking as a one time introvert , I can only say most introverts become comfortable with the alone , It is extremely hard to break from that mold. I know most people found me snobby or aloof and I couldn't have been further from either. It's funny isn't it how human nature knows not , the real person standing beside them.

    • profile image

      Kevin 7 years ago

      Great Article

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 7 years ago from San Francisco

      50%! No kidding, huh? That's incredible!!

    • Sarah Connor profile image

      Sarah Connor 7 years ago from Washington, DC

      Haha! Thanks so much for this article! The latest information says that up to 50% of the United States is comprised of introverts, which is much much higher than previously suspected. Extroverts divert all of the attention to themselves so fewer people notice all the introverts hiding all around lol!

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 7 years ago from San Francisco

      Hahaa, I thought about doing that Peggy W! But then, I poked around online and saw there weren't a lot of decent, legit guides, so I thought I'd make one myself XD

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 7 years ago from Houston, Texas

      This is an excellent hub. When I saw the title, I thought that you were going to do something humorous with it but this is just plain good advice...and lots of it. Up and useful ratings!

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 7 years ago from San Francisco

      The shy and the introverted must not be forgotten! They're the COOL ones!!! Thanks for stopping by the Hub, SweetMarie83!!

    • SweetMarie83 profile image

      Marie Landry 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      This is so great. It's hard to find advice like this - people like me who are introverted (as well as painfully shy in real life) are sort of forgotten when it comes to handing out dating advice. Excellent hub, voted up, useful and awesome!

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 7 years ago from San Francisco

      Thanks for reading, y'all! And Ingenira- I really do recommend the distraction element. It makes a world of difference!

    • Ingenira profile image

      Ingenira 7 years ago

      Excellent tips. I like the distraction technique you have recommended, it's a great way to forget about one's insecurity and act bravely.

    • Mrs. Menagerie profile image

      Mrs. Menagerie 7 years ago from The Zoo

      This hub is both funny and usefully accurate. Nice.

    • sarclair profile image

      sarclair 7 years ago

      It is so easy to isolate yourself when you are introverted. These are great tips.

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 7 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Simone, I could have used this when I was out there looking. Great stuff.

    • The Jet profile image

      The Jet 7 years ago from The Bay

      No Problemo.

    • A.A. Zavala profile image

      Augustine A Zavala 7 years ago from Texas

      Thank you for giving us resources to get out of our shells.

    • Simone Smith profile image

      Simone Haruko Smith 7 years ago from San Francisco

      Thanks The Jet!!

    • The Jet profile image

      The Jet 7 years ago from The Bay

      Hah. It's cool you have this for introverts. I'm one and lots of the stuff you said here had merit.

      Great job. Looking forward to more cool articles.