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Dating in Los Angeles- Why Is It So Hard?

Updated on May 14, 2015

No One Moves To LA To Find Love

Ahhhh, Los Angeles. You are sunny and full of great career opportunities. You appealed to me the same way you appeal to ambitious people all over the world. Little did I know that by choosing to move to LA to go after my career goals that I'd be signing up for years of bad dates and worse sex. How can a city that holds some of the worlds most talented, good looking and fascinating people produce such a horrendous dating scene? Let's begin with the simple fact that nobody moves to LA to find love. Most people move to LA to pursue their dreams, and in order to do that successfully, you must be bit selfish. Or a lot selfish. It is good to be selfish in regards to your career. So many people move out to LA with nothing, and the only way to reach their goals is to have tunnel vision towards that goal. Unfortunately, most people that are in that selfish phase of their life don't realize it, and they usually believe that they are much more giving and generous with their time than they actually are. This leads to lots of miscommunication and wasted time for the people who date them.


Driven People Are Insecure

All people are insecure from time to time. This is natural and we all deal with it in different ways. However, I have especially found that the driven, goal oriented transplants here in LA are especially insecure....and with good reason. It is quite humbling to go from being the best at something in the small town you came from, to all of a sudden being barely noticed for the same thing in LA. Unfortunately, when people are feeling insecure and are not getting validation or that much desired instant gratification from their careers, they look for it in other ways. Those other ways tend to include using women (or men) as conquests. I have met a number of men here that love to string women along, as many women as they can, just to feed their egos. This of course happens everywhere, but it happens extremely often in LA, and in a much more obvious way. There is a blatant disregard, almost a sociopathic quality to the way a lot of men treat women here (I'm sure it happens the other way around too, but as a woman I am speaking from my own experience.) I know men that play their cards right and do everything to get a girl to want to have sex with them...but then deny the girl of sex just to feel a sense of power that they aren't getting in other aspects of their life. If I was the only person saying this, I'd have to wonder if it's me. Unfortunately, I hear this story from many people, often.

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Romance is not a right swipe

Oftentimes when I enter a Starbucks and see everyone staring at their smart phones, I wonder how many of these people are on Tinder or another dating app, all while sitting next to members of the opposite sex that they are ignoring. When I lived in NY, approaching, making eye contact, or smiling at a stranger was a common and welcome occurrence. In LA, this seems to be considered "uncool". You must look straight ahead! You must not smile at a passerby! You must act like you are too cool to speak to an attractive person that in actuality you would like to talk to! Instead, looking down and swiping away on your touchscreen is the passive aggressive way to make connections. However, anyone that has tried Tinder knows that it is a pretty horrible way to connect. In my experience, if I wasn't ready to spread my legs after the first hour of a coffee date, my Tinder romance would be over. Pretty crazy. Wouldn't it be so nice if people would just talk to each other? I know many of these "too cool for school" people are actually lonely and want to connect with others. My expert advice on this subject is to start saying hi. What's the worst that can happen?

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Too many choices

Look left, look right, look up, look down....everybody in LA is beautiful. Of course that is a slight exaggeration, but only slight. Here you will find some of the most attractive people in the world, seemingly on every block. Commitment is hard anywhere, but men go cross-eyed here looking at all of the stunning women. I have so many beautiful, amazing, incredible friends, and they should all be treasured by a man. However, men here treasure their choices more than a choice. He will have one eye on you, and one eye on the girl behind you. I have found that even the men on dating sites that say they are looking for a relationship are really just serial daters in disguise. I deleted my profile for years and when I rejoined I saw the same faces popping up, playing the same game as years before. On the opposite spectrum, there are men that have received this treatment from women, and in turn they become desperate for a relationship, as in they want one right NOW. I had a guy wanting me to quit my job and move in with him after our second date, and a guy "so excited to see me that he just might throw up!" (his words). This is not good either. Women don't want desperate men the same way that men don't want desperate women. Where is the happy medium? It does exist...but maybe more so in a place where you need a winter jacket.

How do we increase our odds of finding someone?

It does happen for some people, and a good attitude is key. It is easy to become jaded in LA. It is also easy to sense someone's "jadedness", and that is a huge turn off. Keep in mind that it is better to be alone than with the wrong person. Focus on becoming the best self you can be. Don't obsess about finding someone, instead spend your energy finding yourself. This is easier said than done. We are human, and we all crave connection. I find that it helps to really invest in yourself, work out, eat right, indulge in things you enjoy. Become as fulfilled as possible without someone. That's usually when the "mystery man/woman" comes along. Of course, if all else fails, there are 49 other states to move to ;) Good Luck!!!!!

What about you?

Have you met a good man/woman in LA?

See results

Women, this about sums it up....

Men, here's one for you....

Comments

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    • profile image

      elena 

      3 years ago

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    • MissMeliss123 profile imageAUTHOR

      Miss Melissa 

      3 years ago from Los Angeles/NYC

      Agreed agreed and agreed. Thank you for your comment. Very insightful and well put.

    • realtalk247 profile image

      realtalk247 

      3 years ago

      Dating is difficult in many cities. The use of technology and dating apps are appreciated instead of just saying hello to the attractive guy/women next to you in line at the grocery store.

      "Look left, look right, look up, look down....everybody in LA is beautiful." Interesting observation in LA. Although there are many attractive people in LA, remember, attractiveness alone is not what makes a man want to create a relationship with a woman. What is your comfort or uniqueness that you bring to a relationship?

      If you are seeking someone that seeks a monogamous relationship and create a family then make yourself available at those venues. Charity events, volunteer activities, and attending your little nephews sporting events are great ways to meet men who are more grounded and have a space for family and a good heart.

      On the sex interest, you will weed out those guys quickly if you don't give into delusional behavior and it sounds like you know the difference between the genuine and fakers so kudos to you. Patti Stanger says "No in,in,or in" until monogamy. Timing is everything. Many men (not all) do not grow up until something tragedy happens and/or all the friends start settling down. There are some men that are close with their family so these men see the value of having a wife, being married, and settling down. They may be prepared for that after they have gotten the party thing out of their system.

      Dating is difficult in many cities. People not dealing with their own personal issues, negative perceptions about relationships due to parental examples, insecurities, unrealistic expectations are a few of the issues that seem to prevent people from forming fun/loving/friend/quality relationships now a days.

      As a woman brand yourself. Bring something more than the next pretty body and face because that's a dime a dozen. Measure his character by his actions over time, lip service does not count. Do not give a man more attention than he deserves. While you want a relationship, regardless of the market He has to earn you.

      Good luck. Try different venues. Make sure you frustration doesn't show. Sometimes men can read frustration on a woman rather the the happy go lucky, joking and smiling version of you that gives off great vibes that are inviting. Trust me, men are analyzing your actions and watching you more than you think to determine if they should approach you.

      Good luck! There are some great guys out there, it's just a matter of running into them that is the challenge.

    • MissMeliss123 profile imageAUTHOR

      Miss Melissa 

      3 years ago from Los Angeles/NYC

      Thank you for your insightful comment. You make a lot of great points. My friends and I are making changes as far as the men we choose, and putting additional effort into expanding our social circle, and we have been making these changes for sometime. I do believe timing is everything, and hope to have a better report sometime in the future. Best to you as well!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      3 years ago

      No one moves anywhere to find love period!

      I lived in Southern California for close to 30 years mostly in Orange County but dated women in LA, Burbank, Glendale areas and partied in nightclubs from Beverly Hills down to San Diego.

      What I've learned is it's not about the "city", "online dating" or whatever. If someone is having one bad dating experience after another it's probably time for them to re-examine their "mate selection criteria".

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      We decide whom we're going to exchange our contact information with, go out with, kiss, have sex, and so on.

      According to CA Dept of Public Health April 2013-March 2014 62,565 weddings took place in LA County alone.

      Tender is just for "hooking up". If someone is seriously looking for love they might try eHarmony or a niche dating online site that caters to specific "must haves". There is also Meetup.com which is primarily hundreds of groups of people who have an interest in common. They have everything from wine tasting, horseback riding, yoga, meditation, book clubs, singles mixers and so on. Gradually you get to know people within the group.

      When it is all said and done (timing) is the key difference. The goal is to find someone who wants what you want with (you). For example when I was in my 20s I had no interest in settling down with anyone!

      LA/Orange County is the perfect playground for people who love the ocean, beaches/piers, various entertainment venues, and fun seeking activities. There is no shortage of beautiful people and therefore looks alone is not going to guarantee success in love.

      You're right about the "eye contact" thing. In LA if you make eye contact with someone while walking along a sidewalk don't expect them to smile at you. They most likely look at their watch, cell phone, or in another direction. My brothers and I used to call it "The LA look away."

      Generally speaking in LA people don't want to pick up or be picked up while out and about conducting business or shopping. They also don't want to say hello to 100 strangers everyday or do anything that may give someone the wrong idea of them possibly being interested in them.

      Most people in LA meet one another in bars/lounges, nightclubs, parties/events, the beach, online, or at work/college campus especially if they're in their 20s- mid 30s.. It's also common for people not to be in a rush to "settle down" in LA. People tend to get married at a later age especially if they have something going for them self.

      I saw many New Yorkers come and go in less than a year or two. They couldn't adapt to the lifestyle. Some even hated the 300 days of sunshine! However for those who stick it out and make some solid friendships eventually they learn to navigate the various pockets around the city.

      Unlike a lot of cities where everyone heads to one area for a night out LA is so spread out. You might check out www.laweekly.com to see what happening in the area over the weekend. There are lots of live music venues. The people who find happiness in LA usually do so by building friendships first with single same sex people who can show them the ropes or places/things people flock to. Those who don't develop friendships of the same sex tend to move back home.

      Best wishes!

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