Dating in Los Angeles- Why Is It So Hard?
No One Moves To LA To Find Love
Ahhhh, Los Angeles. You are sunny and full of great career opportunities. You appealed to me the same way you appeal to ambitious people all over the world. Little did I know that by choosing to move to LA to go after my career goals that I'd be signing up for years of bad dates and worse sex. How can a city that holds some of the worlds most talented, good looking and fascinating people produce such a horrendous dating scene? Let's begin with the simple fact that nobody moves to LA to find love. Most people move to LA to pursue their dreams, and in order to do that successfully, you must be bit selfish. Or a lot selfish. It is good to be selfish in regards to your career. So many people move out to LA with nothing, and the only way to reach their goals is to have tunnel vision towards that goal. Unfortunately, most people that are in that selfish phase of their life don't realize it, and they usually believe that they are much more giving and generous with their time than they actually are. This leads to lots of miscommunication and wasted time for the people who date them.
Driven People Are Insecure
All people are insecure from time to time. This is natural and we all deal with it in different ways. However, I have especially found that the driven, goal oriented transplants here in LA are especially insecure....and with good reason. It is quite humbling to go from being the best at something in the small town you came from, to all of a sudden being barely noticed for the same thing in LA. Unfortunately, when people are feeling insecure and are not getting validation or that much desired instant gratification from their careers, they look for it in other ways. Those other ways tend to include using women (or men) as conquests. I have met a number of men here that love to string women along, as many women as they can, just to feed their egos. This of course happens everywhere, but it happens extremely often in LA, and in a much more obvious way. There is a blatant disregard, almost a sociopathic quality to the way a lot of men treat women here (I'm sure it happens the other way around too, but as a woman I am speaking from my own experience.) I know men that play their cards right and do everything to get a girl to want to have sex with them...but then deny the girl of sex just to feel a sense of power that they aren't getting in other aspects of their life. If I was the only person saying this, I'd have to wonder if it's me. Unfortunately, I hear this story from many people, often.
Romance is not a right swipe
Oftentimes when I enter a Starbucks and see everyone staring at their smart phones, I wonder how many of these people are on Tinder or another dating app, all while sitting next to members of the opposite sex that they are ignoring. When I lived in NY, approaching, making eye contact, or smiling at a stranger was a common and welcome occurrence. In LA, this seems to be considered "uncool". You must look straight ahead! You must not smile at a passerby! You must act like you are too cool to speak to an attractive person that in actuality you would like to talk to! Instead, looking down and swiping away on your touchscreen is the passive aggressive way to make connections. However, anyone that has tried Tinder knows that it is a pretty horrible way to connect. In my experience, if I wasn't ready to spread my legs after the first hour of a coffee date, my Tinder romance would be over. Pretty crazy. Wouldn't it be so nice if people would just talk to each other? I know many of these "too cool for school" people are actually lonely and want to connect with others. My expert advice on this subject is to start saying hi. What's the worst that can happen?
Too many choices
Look left, look right, look up, look down....everybody in LA is beautiful. Of course that is a slight exaggeration, but only slight. Here you will find some of the most attractive people in the world, seemingly on every block. Commitment is hard anywhere, but men go cross-eyed here looking at all of the stunning women. I have so many beautiful, amazing, incredible friends, and they should all be treasured by a man. However, men here treasure their choices more than a choice. He will have one eye on you, and one eye on the girl behind you. I have found that even the men on dating sites that say they are looking for a relationship are really just serial daters in disguise. I deleted my profile for years and when I rejoined I saw the same faces popping up, playing the same game as years before. On the opposite spectrum, there are men that have received this treatment from women, and in turn they become desperate for a relationship, as in they want one right NOW. I had a guy wanting me to quit my job and move in with him after our second date, and a guy "so excited to see me that he just might throw up!" (his words). This is not good either. Women don't want desperate men the same way that men don't want desperate women. Where is the happy medium? It does exist...but maybe more so in a place where you need a winter jacket.
How do we increase our odds of finding someone?
It does happen for some people, and a good attitude is key. It is easy to become jaded in LA. It is also easy to sense someone's "jadedness", and that is a huge turn off. Keep in mind that it is better to be alone than with the wrong person. Focus on becoming the best self you can be. Don't obsess about finding someone, instead spend your energy finding yourself. This is easier said than done. We are human, and we all crave connection. I find that it helps to really invest in yourself, work out, eat right, indulge in things you enjoy. Become as fulfilled as possible without someone. That's usually when the "mystery man/woman" comes along. Of course, if all else fails, there are 49 other states to move to ;) Good Luck!!!!!