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Choosing a Mate: A Guide For Today's Christian

Updated on January 29, 2010

A Guide to Finding a Mate In Modern Times

As this world rapidly changes right before our eyes there is little doubt that we are living in the prophetic "Time of the end". For all intents and purposes basically all the foretold events described by Jesus identifying that time have been or are currently being fulfilled. This would include the: "men marrying and women being given in marriage..." that he spoke of at Matthew 24:36-39.

Don't get me wrong, I am not denouncing marriage. In fact I'd like to discuss finding a mate during these times that we live in. In many cases, choosing a mate is essential as Paul pointed out at 1 Corinthians 7: 8,9 We are human, and as such the flesh as well as human nature tend to be weak. The world is full of temptation(s); after avoiding or escaping the lure of alcohol, drugs, greed etc, we still may succumb to the age-old enemy of our salvation: fornication, It's thrown at us from every angle openly, but often it's attacks are veiled and subtle. Thus Paul said it may be best for some to find a mate thus eliminating that avenue of failing in our endeavor to please God. Too, it may simply be a matter of emotional need. Actually, some may function better having a "life's partner". Some may thrive in the family setting.

So let's talk about it! How do we choose a mate in these times? Here are but a few of the things some people consider: how good they look , or their butt in a pair of jeans, , nice legs,chest, breasts, the type of car they drive, do they own property, their income, their teeth(are they white? Do they have any?). We worry how our friends will think of their looks or age, etc.

Notice that not a single one of the above things listed have anything to do with the following: Can they uplift your spirits or uplift you spiritually?, Do they believe in the two of you praying together? Are they dedicated to God, and actively serving him?, Are they dedicated to you and your happiness? Is seeing you smile one the most important things to them? Can they make you smile even on your worst day(s)? Do they love your children(that are not theirs) as they love you and can you tell? Do they incite you to think? Do they encourage you and inspire you to achieve your goals? Are their goals similar to yours? Are they willing to make concessions and/or compromises in order to assure the success of your relationship? Marinate on that for a minute and come on back...

Don't get me wrong I said! Everyone wants a handsome muscular man or a gorgeous "hot" woman; but God didn't make everyone like that. Hey, dimples, pretty legs and arms make my stomach tickle!(What? you thought I was immune!) In our time everything that is not geared to promote the pursuit of money, power or status, is geared to promote sex or sex appeal. Clothing is styled to accentuate, enhance, or display various body parts. Never before has there been so many products to "improve" one's appearance accompanied by a plethora of reasons to use them (they make me feel better about myself..) Whatever it is that appeals to the basest human attraction(s), someone is surely out there with it grandly on display; pulling at you.

When choosing a mate here are some profound issues to consider: How will you react when your mate no longer has the looks they had previously, or they lose their job? The house? Would you still be so strongly attracted? Do you have WELL-FOUNDED confidence, not in yourself, but in them, that they would stick with you if you lost any of the above? And if so, would they still remain just as loving, attentive and respectfull to you?

Choosing a mate based on superficial 'qualities' like most of the world does usually ends in heartache. If he/she is "fine", don't you think they know it? Don't kid yourself believing there's not someone else that sees it too. Too many times looks, money and sex appeal are the ONLY real interest a person has in another, and that never lasts. There's always going to be someone who has a little more of each than you. There's a lot of single parents reading this right now that know exactly what I mean having been rejected for another who caught your mate's eye.

Men, it may be that she's drop-dead gorgeous and has a body to die for, but how many of the qualities described at Proverbs 31:10-31 apply to her?

Ladies, He may be "all that" and have a large income etc; but is he spirit filled and spirit led? Does he have humility and a willingness to lead you and your family in a fine way as unto the lord?

What can a nice car and home or looks do for you when you face a serious spiritual dilemma? What purpose can they serve when what you need is to be held, or to have someone that genuinely wants to listen to you and to be there to see you through whatever it is you're going through? Those things can't be sensitive to you or your emotions to the point of knowing there are tears inside even though you may smile on the outside. They don't have the ability to reach inside your pain giving you the assured feeling that everything will be alright. One so-called "evangelist" and relationship 'guru' had the NERVE to say that if a man doesn't have a car, a job, and his own home then he's not suitable for a christian woman to consider as a mate. MANY christian women have lined-up to pour thousands of dollars into her ministry which often encourages the very things that chase very good men away! Well, her own husband publicly beat her so badly she was hospitalized and it made international headlines. Food for thought...

Truth Is...there's only one formula for choosing a mate that has any chance of success, especially in our time when divorce is more common than marriage and "shacking-up" even more so. The answer is to Trust God's guidance (Proverbs 3:5-7), and that requires much prayer(not one prayer and claiming it...mercy! Why do you think he said to "keep on asking..."!) Also look to the fruits of God's spirit and how many of them are present in the person you are considering. These "fruits" can be found at Galatians 5: 22,23: love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness,goodness, faith, mildness, self-control.

Love-often called charity. Do they have a NATURAL love for other people? Do they care about others genuinely and is it evident in the way they interact with others?

Joy- is there joy in their life, manner, behavior(s) and how they see things. is there joy evident in their service to God?

Peace- are they peaceful or promote peaceful resolution of stressful or trying circumstances? Do they have a peaceful nature?

Long-Suffering- Are they patient with you and when it comes to understanding you or trying to get you to understand them? How about when what you think or feel is in contrast to what they do or want you to? Are they patient with your children or other people? Are they willing to work at making the relationship succeed when you just don't seem to do things to their satisfaction? Are they compassionate with others who don't live up to their expectations or are not as capable as they would like them to be?

Kindness- Do they have a gentle and humble nature?

Goodness- do they strive to do what's right at every opportunity even when it's not to their advantage to do so?

Faith- do they demonstrate a firm belief that God is in control of all things and have the assured belief that He will handle all things aright? Do they accept that God's way is the very best/ONLY way?

Self-control- Not only does this apply to matters of controlling one's anger; but also appetite, profanity, flirting,eating habits, spending, resisting drugs and alcohol, attitude and behavior toward people we don't particularly care for,arguing, grudges, selfish desires,wants, and actions.

Just think, you could be sitting in church eyeballing brother "so-fine" and across from you brother "Blessing" is sitting there with his missing two teeth, ill-fitting suit that was all he could afford with his $8.50 and hour job; all wrapped-up in listening to what is being said in order to be better able to apply it to his own self and life. A good man TRYING to happen...

Men, likewise, your eyes just can't stop being drawn to sister "M-m-m" and those pretty legs or "whatever", and sitting in the row in front of you is sister"Loves-God"; all 210lbs of her with either a bad perm or a worse weave(or she's 100lbs and flat-chested)wearing a long dress covering her knees. She has no "outstanding" features, and doesn't overdo the makeup and jewelry. But she's soaking-up God's word like a sponge and not afraid to do as He instructs, knowing He knows what's best. She is the total opposite of her original mother: EVE.

If God's spirit put it to you that brother "Blessing" or sister "Loves-God" was the best opportunity for you ...but the opportunity arose for you to date brother "So-Fine", or sister "M-m-m"; which would you choose?

Chew on that and blow a few bubbles while you wait for the next installment on this issue:

"Choosing a mate: Accepting and Respecting God's Gift to You..."

Truth Is...


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    • Pamela-anne profile image

      Pamela-anne 4 years ago from Miller Lake

      Wonderful advice to us Christians trying to make our relationships work in the fast paced world we live in not an easy task that is for sure. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom take care and God bless!

    • daledad8 profile image

      daledad8 6 years ago from pittsburgh

      Thank God, not me, I'm just a messenger Kelz! B-Blessed!!!

      Truth is...


    • profile image

      Kelz 6 years ago

      Thank you so much for that awesome guidance. While I "know" that we all have the ability to move mountains for God wherever we are... I do get caught in the idea that the position is necessary/more effective. Thank you for this excellent insight! And yes I will stay in prayer and continue to mature in my walk so that my steps are ordered. God Bless you. :-)

    • daledad8 profile image

      daledad8 6 years ago from pittsburgh

      Kelz, yes, physical attraction does play a role; but there is a theme to your comments that indicate that you're more concerned with finding or having a man that is a pastor or the like, That may not be what God has for you though. Look at the first century congregation, at people like Priscilla and her husband Aquilla; they were servants, they taught, they ministered, they were not Pastors. pastors, bishops, etc are not of God, that is an invention of man. True there are leaders within the congregation, but everyone is charged with teaching and teaching. It would be equally gratifying to have a husband that is avid about teaching God's word and diligent about it than to end up with a Pastor or church leader that is so caught up in the title or other things to really serve. Find a man who loves Christ and strives to imitate him. Find a man who willingly submits to God's will even when it's not his own and actually listens to God and your life will be in much better stead, and your true purpose will beciome much clearer.

      You and your mate can move mountains as far as serving God and never has a "position". Dont get caught up in power, that is yet anotherlure and trap that satan sets before us. For many people, Power/authority is an aphrodsiac; but for a true Christian, the power of God working thru and around you is a mussch stronger one. Learn the true essence of what Jesus taught, read the Beattitudes(Matthew chapters 5,6,7) or the Sermon on the Mount as it is known, and find someone who knows and lives the essence of what is said there by our lord.

      As always I also encourage much prayer and supplication as it is a source of knowledge, protection, and direction; it also keeps us in God's presence and that's a place satan cant go!


      Truth is...

    • profile image

      Kelz 6 years ago

      Just to clarify... I understand that we are ALL servants. What I was referring to is the capacity in which we serve. I believe my spiritual gifts involve teaching and exhortation and it SEEMS because of that I am drawn to like minded mates more than others. I celebrate anyone who faithfully serves our Lord! But does that mean that just because a man serves the Lord well and takes a liking to me doesn't me that I am supposed to leap? If I am to be a helper... shouldn't I feel compelled to be so? Shouldn't I feel that connection to my "head." (If I felt more connected spiritually, honestly looks would be much less of a concern.) Is that fair/just?

    • profile image

      Kelz 6 years ago

      Pastor... I haven't read the other article yet (I will), but I think that I do understand what you were saying about choosing a mate with Christlike character. I honestly wouldn't want anything else before that. If I am physically attracted to a man but he doesn't have spiritual maturity I know without a doubt that he is wrong for me. God definitely trumps looks. Where I struggle is to understand the balance. While his walk is the most important thing, I lean towards the feelings of one of the other writers... can't we have both? When it comes to romance isn't a certain amount of it physical? We all come in different shapes and sizes and colors, etc... and we all have different preferences. Since God is able to give us both shouldn't we expect that? Wouldn't he want that for us? Isn't it more about what is motivating? A mate that is well suited to me and God's purpose for my life is what motivates me. I think looks have little to do with that but influences who I am drawn to. As far as the superficiality goes, I have tendencies, yes. But I do not dismiss or devalue someone as a "person" based on looks or income etc. In fact I'm often the one defending others in these instances. Actually to be quite honest the men that I find the most "physically" attractive usually have very little character. And I don't even allow anything to develop. But the bigger issue outside of physical attraction is leadership. This man of God has shown himself a true servant, but I feel I am more attracted to those with a calling of shepparship/teaching. Not to say that it is not in his future but I don't feel that spiritual connection... but rather spiritual admiration for his walk. I guess in the order of priorities mine are 1.Christlke Character 2.Spritual Gifts (Sheppard/Teacher, and Merciful) 3.Physical Attractiveness. If this is flawed I genuinely want to know how that I might be in alignment with God and His will for ME. Thank you for your response.

    • daledad8 profile image

      daledad8 6 years ago from pittsburgh

      @Kelz, what you're basically saying is that you are superficial but don't want someone that is! If you really take the time to read this article and the following one you will see that I encourage Christians to look for more Christlioke qualities in choosing a mate as these are the ones that better assure a lasting relationship. This also entails relying on and trusting God; work on building that relationship and allow him to guide you in starting the other as well as maintaining it. Often we need God to clear out and work on our personality and attitude before we are worthy of anyone else. I always encourage the use of prayer and application. You may contact me via email to discuss your particular situation with more confidentiality:

      Truth Is...

    • profile image

      Kelz 6 years ago

      ... and let me add that I have been on both ends of the stick. And I find that most men who are attracted to me when I'm "pretty" don't see me when I am not. I can do without them... and actually prefer to be less noticeable to avoid them. I mean if you don't notice me (ME being my spirit) on less flattering days, then you don't see me at all... and thus don't deserve me. And if you are not attracted to me than I'd rather you not pursue me. I'll take grace for weight and bad hair days ... but my boobs will not get any bigger, my nose will not get any thinner, and I'm certainly not going to get any taller than what a stiletto will allow so there is no use in you trying to get comfortable with it. I'd rather have someone that sees and loves me inside out trophied up or raggedy. LOL. I think that was a little self-therapy.

    • profile image

      Kelz 6 years ago

      Okay so... I like to think that I am a person of quality and certainly desire a person of quality, but quite honestly I have moments of superficiality. I know he's a good godly man, but I'm not physically attracted to him. I want him in my circle of friends but not as my man. As I wrong for that. I feel like I am rejecting God... like I'm saying he's not good enough for me. Which I'm NOT! In fact I think I'm not good enough for him. I think because I'm not attracted to him I won't love him the way he deserves to be. Also, in looking at leadership qualities/interest is it wrong to be with someone who is in or aspires to such? Does that make me arrogant? I know that I want to serve God and open to doing it a a vocation and tend to be attracted to those who have those interest. But ALSO I know that I battle with a self-seeking spirit that wants success and power- not just for the sake of it but so that I am in a position to help people... Where is the balance?

    • Eunice Stuhlhofer profile image

      Eunice Stuhlhofer 6 years ago

      Great insight and wisdom not to be taken for granted. I have learnt the hard way but God has had mercy on me. Blessings and thanks for sharing.

    • daledad8 profile image

      daledad8 7 years ago from pittsburgh

      it "gorgeous" women out there that also fit proverbs 31. But there are man more who possess and greater and longer lasting beauty within and when one limits what they feel is acceptable when seeking a mate is when one may lose out on the true blessing God has meant for them. My encouragement is to be more open to the Lord's voice and direction when choosing a mate because there is no mate more GORGEOUS than the one God wants you to be with. Please reafers, be more attentive to what you read in my hubs and get the TRUE meaning and message!

      B-blessed! Truth is...

    • profile image

      Dez 7 years ago

      I'm looking for both. You can't tell me a gorgeous woman with Prov 31 qualities aren't out there. That's what I'm looking for!!!

    • Delsie profile image

      Delsie 8 years ago

      Thank You I never thought I'd read anything thing like that outside of a book published by a Christian Teacher or known

      author GOOD JOB

    • profile image

      sfic77 8 years ago

      Great word but I have a question? I have a finacee that fits these characterics, he's a great guy but I have am troubled inwardly. Don't know if its the change that would occur after i am married, since i've been living on my own for 8yrs and I have cold feet or because God has something else for me. How can I know?

    • fergie9 profile image

      fergie9 8 years ago

      your hubs are very inspiring to me. Thank you so much.

    • jxb7076 profile image

      James Brown 8 years ago from United States of America

      excellent information! Thanks for sharing.

    • profile image

      GeorgeW 9 years ago

      Tremendous writing

    • profile image

      Patricia 9 years ago

      This is very good. We really are in the end times of the bible and not too amny people realize that or evencare.

    • profile image

      Stephanie 9 years ago

      I have grown to expect gripping and thopught provoking things from you and I can't wait to see where this is going.

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      kingB 9 years ago

      I always enjoy your hubs Truth and encourage you to continue to write.

    • profile image

      iireal 9 years ago

      That's what I'm talking about Truth SPEAK!