Unspoken Dating Rules: Dealing with Crushes
I think relationships are hilarious, and I think it’s a darn shame that I can’t provide much firsthand commentary on them. There is, thankfully, one area in which I may claim some expertise, and that is in the realm of crushes!
Yes, nerds, I am not only an experienced crusher, but also an experienced crushee, so I know how exquisitely humiliating it can be to at once suffer from unrequited love and to suffer from the unwanted affection of another (perfectly lovely, but only as a respected stranger/friend) person.
In addition to being experienced at having crushes and dealing with others’ crushes on me, I am somewhat reckless, meaning that I’ve tried pretty much every bad crush move in the book. Really.
Now, at long last, I can make use of my suffering to share with you the important lessons I have learned. Enjoy.
What have YOU done?
Have you resorted, in moments of insane desperation, to any of the following things?
If You Have a Crush On Someone
If you are in this unfortunate position, and it is pretty clear that you’re not liked back, PLEASE do not:
- Send secret admirer notes: I have both received these from admirers and sent them myself. To be honest, they can be a pretty fun exercise (both on the sending and receiving end), but it SUCKS if you get caught, so if you do do this, be sure to be undetectable (I will not share my methods out of fear that previous crushes may discover my identity).
- Stalk your crush (in real life OR online): You’re crazy if you do this. It’ll only make the crush worse and make you even more miserable. And creepy (though let’s be honest, everyone does this).
- Send long-drawn out emails or letters revealing both your feelings and your identity: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???????????????????
- Tell this person how you feel IN PERSON: Though this might be OK in isolated situations (e.g. you’ll never see this person again), this can mean utter disaster if you reveal your feelings to someone who you shall have to continue to interact with on a daily basis. What a terrible move to make!
- Resort to violence: Even though violence can be very amusing, it is rarely a good idea (Oh heck, it is never a good idea).
Also, try not to be obvious about your drooling. And don’t so careful about pretending to NOT like this person that you make it obvious that you’re head over heels in love with him/her. Neither scenario allows you to suffer this crush privately.
What's Your Cure?
How do you get over a crush?
A Practical Thought
I’m sure that, by now, you have realized that I am basically telling you to crush your crush. Maybe that seems a bit harsh. But hear me out. The person you have a crush on, in all likelihood, is not a real person, but rather a fictional character you’ve made up.
Unless you know this person really well, the subject of all your crushing is likely a fantasy you have constructed combining a couple of random details and surface characteristics belonging to that person with a bunch of your own ideas and fantasies.
Basically, this person in your head is pretty different from the real person you are drooling over. Understanding that you’re more infatuated with a fictional ideal than a real person may help you move on with your life. It sure has helped me!
How have YOU experienced crushes?
If Someone Has a Crush on You
I will be the first to admit that being a “crushee” can be just as uncomfortable as being a “crusher.” The best way to deal with these situations is to...
- Remain calm (and for the love of god, do not vomit)
- Be polite
- Be firm about not returning the crusher’s feelings
- BUT! Be nice and (professionally) friendly
- Do NOT bring up what will henceforth be referred to as “The Incident” EVER again to ANYONE
You also have clearance to secretly feel a little flattered.
Good Luck! (Just kidding. You're doomed.)
I hope these practical tips may be of use to you... though I hope even more that you never find yourself in this sort of situation.
I think the most we can do when either feeling unwanted feelings for other people or having others feeling unwanted feelings about us is to be practical and compassionate. Such situations are not comfortable for anyone,
There is one little consolation that we can take from these scenarios, and that is that crushes result in GREAT stories, so as you bang your head repeatedly against a wall for being such a lovesick idiot or want to vomit at the thought of so-and-so pining over you, just remember... it all makes for GREAT material!
Do YOU have a funny crush-misadventure story? Share it in the comments below! We can all laugh, cringe, and cry together.