Dealing with "The Monster of Unwanted House Guests Who Over-Stay Their Welcome"

All together now, "we've been there." Thanks for your support and willingness to agree with me before even write the first word of this sensitive piece of work.

How many of you have been faced with "The Monster of Unwanted Guests Who Over-stay Their Welcome"

Sounds like an old black white horror film of the 50's. No, they were easier to deal with. Give me "The Mummy" or his pal, "The Monster from The Black Lagoon," anytime. Any day. Anywhere.

There is not really a gentile way to say this. I am not that good at dealing with unwanted house guests who you are good enough to invite to a get-together, and they stay. And stay. Until the last (considerate) guest has went home to "hit the hay." Yeah, they stay "that" late.

And you are, and I know this without even meeting you, a warm-hearted person who wouldn't hurt a stray dog. You were brought-up to respect people no matter where they are from or what they are. Yeah, I must admit. There aren't many like you in 2012, that is why this story is aimed right at you.

Like me, you need sound advice in helping to not only cope with, but completely rid yourself of this "unusual "species" of people who seemingly thrive on friendly-invitations from nice, big-hearted people like "you," and never invite "you," over to their home for any reason.

Just look, and be honest, at what "you" do for "these unwanted house guests who over-stay their welcome . . .

You provide them with feasts that would make even King Solomon envious.

You listen to their boring stories that you have heard over a hundred times

You (make yourself) laugh at their stale jokes.

You watch in dismay at how "these people" wreck your home for they have no respect for your furniture or furnishings that you worked your tail off just to make the payments to own a couch, love seat, end tables, recliners that you wanted for your own. And this was your "only" thing you ever had for "you."

You bite your tongue as they eat like hungry swine when the food is served and "these" brutes never exercise any manners whatsoever because they haven't any.

You cringe when the menfolk of "selfish brood," (eat like barbarians and) talk with mouthfuls of food and get most of the food on your clean carpet. Sadly, there are times when you wish that a crumb from a chicken leg would get lodged in this man's throat so he will be forced to leave your home and head to the emergency room, but you are a "saint of a person," and continue to clean-up his messes (without one complaint) when he finally goes home sometimes at dawn.

Your husband, "Jeff," is much like you, a "saint of a man," who gives mercy at will. Even gave the shirt off his back last Christmas to a homeless man stationed outside of the mall where you always do your Christmas shopping. You admire "Jeff," because he "gets you," when no one else on your block even dares to find out what makes you tick?

This very-uncomfortable occurrence of the "unwanted house guests who stay too long," is not a one-time event. No. It has happened on a regular basis just about the time you and your husband want to have a "few" friends over to play cards, munch Wheat Thins (made famous by actress Sandy Duncan), and just unwind with a mild glass of wine.

Seemingly, these vulgar-mannered people have a sixth-social-sense that tips them off to when you are having a small get-together. The United States Intelligence Division of the Defense Department could have used these people in World War II to detect oncoming bomber attacks by the Japanese and Germans. They are that sharp. These vulgar-mannered people that only God knows where they come from.

What happens is, you and "Jeff," agree on a Friday morning, before he leaves for work, that you will have this small gathering of friends, say around eight people more or less, come to your home on Saturday night at 7:30. And just like a finely-tuned radar system there they are standing on your front porch with their wide, hungry smiles beaming like New England light houses in a heavy fog. When they ring your doorbell about ten times, you know it's them. You are tempted to just be "quiet as a church mouse," and hope they will take the hint and leave.

But that warm heart of yours whispers, "awww, let them in. It won't hurt for them to eat your food, scour your clean carpet with their filthy shoes and cause you a great amount of mental torture. You know that Jesus walked with and ate with sinners, and "you" certainly want to walk like Him, don't you?"

Long story short. They enter. Eat like hogs. Talk louder than a cattle auctioneer in Waco, Texas and disrupt your party once again. But this time, a few more of your warm-hearted, giving, and caring friends leave. And probably won't be back. Just because you didn't know . . .
"Dealing With The Monster of Unwanted Guests Who Over-stay Their Welcome"
Just read and learn.

1. When having a small get-together, keep it quiet. Do not tell everyone. Only the people of your circle of friends you trust. If you tell a lot of people, the party is bound to leak by someone. Take no chances. Do this like the C.I.A. does an undercover investigation of a foreign dictator. With tact.

2. In the past you have felt a obligatory-compulsion to call these "vulgar" people simply because someone gave you a guilt trip. Enough. You have all but raised their children and fed them all of your food. Wise up. God is not going to send you to Hades for not issuing an urgent need for "these" people to invade your home and never leave.

3. Only invite "these" people "if" they ask you or your husband when they see you in the grocery store or pharmacy. Then be brief. Use the, "party? Well, now, "J.W., I really can't say if there is a party," for you don't. That is the truth. Just look "J.W." straight in the eyes and don't cave-in. It's your home and sanity we are talking about here.

4. If "these" people call you when your small party is going on, just calmly say to them, "well, now, we got to thinking. You and your wife and eight robust kids love exciting things and people. Tonight we four are just being quiet and taking turns reading Early French Poetry to each other as a way to unwind. Oh, be sure that the music is turned off when you are "selling" this to "J.W."

5. If, and I do mean, if, you have no choice but to invite them in because they drove by your house and saw more than one car in the driveway, and at dinner, when "J.W." begins his ritual of shady-joke-telling, eating with a mouthful of food, just lean over and whisper to him, "oh, J.W., I read an article yesterday in a medical magazine that said loud talking, laughing, and over-eating would take at least fifteen years off of your life." See how fast "J.W." and his gang leave.

6. After dinner, and "J.W." starts in begging you for stiff drinks, bring him some gingerale on ice. He will be stunned so bad that your explanation, "on this night, our faith tells us to partake of no alcoholic beverages," that he cannot get to his car keys fast enough.

7. If you have an elderly, windowed aunt, a few years older than the "nuisance," "J.W.," invite her to this get-together with the agreement that she flirt up a storm with "J.W.," and his wife will fume with jealousy and insist that they go home. Now.

8. Turn your television to the most-boring channel you have got and tell "these" annoying people to be extra-quiet for you all want to learn all about "The Mating Habits of The Eastern Amazon Flit Turtle," to expand your knowledge.

Or . . .get all of your friends and your husband's family and friends and "barge-in" on "J.W." and his intrusive family and stay all night.

I guarantee that your next small get-together will be THE BEST party ever.