- Gender and Relationships
Dear Gabby –adventures of an online relationship advisor
The Psychotic Girlfriend
Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?
Larry: psychotic girlfriend/ break u
Larry: I need some advice on my current relationship. I need to end it but don’t know how
Gabby: are you asking how to break up with a psychotic girlfriend?
Larry: yes basically she has beat me up about 5 times like split my eye brows and broke my nose
Gabby: Nasty lady.
Gabby: Did she beat you up because you tried to break up?
Larry: no. this is past experience.
Gabby: What do you think she would do if you just told her you wanted to break up?
Larry: kick the nut out of me.
Gabby: Does she live near you?
Larry: I live with her
Gabby: You're really in deep.
Larry: I know
Gabby: Are there any police records or hospital records of the beatings?
Larry: yes but she played dumb and got me done!
Larry: I’m in the UK and the police aren’t exactly great here
Gabby: "got you done"???
Larry: got me arrested after she hit me! with a wine bottle 6 times
Gabby: on what grounds?
Larry: just because we had both been drinking that night. to keep the peace they placed me in a cell on grounds of being drunk. (she is prone to violence when she has been drinking)
Larry: I was not even drunk
Gabby: They may have done that to protect you.
Larry: yes but did not feel like that.
Gabby: In the US, battered women can 'hide out' in special shelters. Battered men can as well.
Larry: we have them in the UK as well but i am trying to avoid that as she knows where all my family live.
Gabby: Well, you have to get out of there, physically. Then get a restraining order on her. You want to be away from her when the RO is delivered to her.
Larry: yes i agree but i am scared it will make things worse. she will continue on if not at me but my family. She’s a nasty piece of work and has caused me no end of trouble. i got a place to go to out of town. but i fear she will torment or even damage my dad/ dads property
Larry: I’ve had to sneak onto the pc at 5 just so she wouldn’t know. I’m really at end of my options now.
Gabby: Find a women's shelter near you and tell them your tale. They know ways to handle such a mess.
Gabby: Does she work? Do you?
Larry: she does and I do. but I work for her grandad after she forced me to quit my job
Gabby: Is there any time where she is at work but you are free?
Larry: yes there is but we only have one set of keys we have a thob that lets u into our complex
Larry: and can only have one per household
Larry: if i leave with keys she will definitely kill me! :/
Gabby: How does she normally get the keys from you?
Larry: I am in 9/10 times as I’m not allowed to see my friends just work really or shopping
Larry: or when I have to get her drugs
Gabby: Okay, when you are loose, walk into the women's center and talk to them. Be sure you have enough time to get back to the flat if you need to.
Larry: ok thank you for the advice I had nowhere else to turn too so thank you
Gabby: You're very welcome. At least you are aware of the situation. Get out as soon as you can -- there are people who know what you can do and how you can get free safely.
Larry: thanks again have a nice day/evening
Gabby: Try to get some sleep; I hope it works out and soon!
Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?
Amy: :my boyfriend has been going thru financial hard times for some time now and I support him because I know he would do the same for me
Amy: and now it’s like I want to be taken out and not pay for anything and just you know be treated
Gabby: In other words, you're tired of supporting him?
Amy: i know he cannot right now and with the holidays coming he has been asking me for a lot more things he needs and it’s not that i don’t want to i do i feel appreciated but holidays my birthday are coming and I wanna feel special and given something nice
Gabby: A natural desire. Do you get the impression that he's not making any effort to get work as long as he has you for income?
Amy: I don’t make a ton of money but I do for him what I can in his time of need and I don’t wanna put the stress on him about taking me cuz I know like it’s really bothering him
Amy: he does try but I think he can try harder he’s a barber so he has a few of his faithful customers come to him every so often
Gabby: A barber is a fine profession. Still, it seems that this relationship is very one-sided.
Amy: but I’m his girlfriend and I wanna be courted and do things together
Amy: he’s expressed and asked if I’m tired of supporting him but i said no cuz I know everyone faces hard times
Gabby: Your need for a little courting is natural. After all, you're not even his wife; it's not like you two are facing all of life together.
Amy: and I don’t do things for him because I’m expecting a return but it’d be nice if we could like go on date
Gabby: It concerns me that instead of finding even some part-time work to get you something, he is asking for more.
Amy: very true but he has proposed to me and yes I know he ask for things he needs he has only told me one want
Amy: I never really express to him what I need because I do for myself or what I want because I know it bothers him the he can’t do right now
Gabby: The longer a person is out of work, the harder it is to keep in the battle. This is happening all over the world -- but people find new and different paths if one has been blocked off.
Amy: I Agree
Gabby: Tell him you want a diamond ring for Christmas. Let's see how much is just quieting down the worker and how much is sincere.
Amy: it seems like he has kind of lost his motivation and I don’t know if he’s scared to get back out there or what
Amy: and I find myself to be a content person with all that i have and giving all the time is nice to just get back a thank you or a i really appreciate that
Gabby: I think you're right on both counts - motivation is lost, and he is scared. And you are enabling him by supporting him.
Amy: so how do help him with his motivation but not make him feel like I just abandon him but me also not enabling the behavior cuz how I feel is if I love you what’s my own is yours and if I have so will you
Amy: I encourage him and try to help him better his self but the motivation for himself is just not there
Amy: and I think motivation is the most attractive thing in a man and he had that once b4 when he was pursuing me
Gabby: I think it's important that he is not thanking you or appreciating all you do. You know the song R-E-S-P-E-C-T"? . The current situation is too comfortable and safe to get him moving.
Amy: yes I know the song
Amy: we don’t live together he lives with his parents and so do I I’m 21 and he’s 22
Gabby: How about a trial separation, since you don't want to lose respect for him, and you need for him to have more respect for you? I think it's time for some tough love.
Amy: yes but I don’t want him to feel abandoned but yet know he has me in his corner
Gabby: You can be on the pep squad without being the team owner
Amy: lol right I want to be the cheer leader
Gabby: Tell him that.
Amy: yes and that will open up the conversation
Gabby: Aren't his parents putting any pressure on him to help out with expenses?
Amy: definitely and that’s where the little money he does get go to
Amy: and we've been going thru the normal relationship issues as well and I know it’s dawning on him about not being able to court me or whatever because he said he can’t afford a girlfriend right now and he doesn’t just want us to break up
Gabby: Well, young lady, it looks like you have things in perspective now. You certainly don't want to get any deeper into the relationship with this pattern.
Amy: what pattern??
Gabby: Him living off you
Amy: we've been together for about 4 years now and just this last year things got tough
Amy: yes definitely NOT but he was not like this b4
Gabby: Until he gets his situation corrected, only do free things -- walk in the park, listen to music, have dinner at each other's house and so on.
Amy: we do those things and do have lots of fun just in company together
Amy: I don’t know the last time we went on a date
Gabby: So don't break up -- just keep it that your money is yours, and his money (or lack of it) is his problem, not yours.
Gabby: Tell him you want to save money up, maybe for your wedding, and not just throw it down a bottomless well.
Amy: yes i got it I just dread the conversation idk why
Gabby: It sounds like you two were friends. If you take money out of the equation, then at worst you will still have a good friend.
Gabby: I like your idea of opening with the statement that you want to be a cheer leader.
Amy: right and i think that’s the perfect way to put it to him
Gabby: Well have a good night's sleep and tackle this over the weekend.
Amy: Yes and thank you.
The revolving door
Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?
Andy: hello, me and my boyfriend has been dating for a year now and
Andy: we always breaking up, and he came back to me last time we broke up I took him back, everything was going well until he decided to start ignoring my phone calls
Gabby: This does not sound like a healthy relationship.
Andy: I texted him to ask him what was going on he said he needed a break but he still loves me
Andy: he said he doesn't want to break up cause he loves but he just want a break
Gabby: The constant breakups suggest that you two are incompatible. We can love someone and still not be able to live with the person.
Andy: yes I understand. but I feel like this is not right I don't know what to do
Gabby: Take a break yourself -- go out with friends; find someone more suited to you.
Andy: okay ,but what do I tell him?
Gabby: He's on a break - tell him nothing.
Gabby: He can't have it both ways.
Andy: okay. I don't want him to think that I will always be available to him whenever he wants to come back to me
Gabby: Exactly. Don't be a doormat. Take this opportunity to see how you feel.
Andy: okay I will thank you so much.. I think I want to tell him that I’m breaking up with him for good, should I?
Gabby: No - don't burn your bridges. All you are doing is saucing the goose as the gander is sauced
Alex is typing...
Andy: okay well, Thank you
Gabby: You're very welcome.
never quite number one
Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?
Mandy: hello, I would like to ask your advice on what you think I should do about my boyfriend
Gabby: Fire away.
Mandy: well I have been with him for over a year now and he has just informed me that he loves someone else as well as me and I don't know what I should do, do you have any suggestions?
Gabby: He's been seeing this other woman for long?
Mandy: he had dated her before me but not while he has been with me- he's not been cheating
Gabby: Sounds like a man who hedges his bets. How could he have changed his mind about her without seeing her?
Mandy: he sees her around quite a lot and I really don't know
Gabby: My point exactly. I suspect he's trying to let you down easy. Either way, he's untrustworthy. At the very least, deny sex -- no reason he should be drinking from two fountains. And it will give you a clearer view of the relationship.
Mandy: right, ok thank you, and he says he loves her more than me but he still wants to be with me... what should I do about that?
Gabby: Dump him -- it will hurt less, and you will maintain your dignity.
Mandy: fair point, but I think I love him too much to let go!
Gabby: You love him more than he does you. You will only make an ass of yourself trying to hold on.
Gabby: How old are you?
Mandy: well, that's true
Mandy: I am 19
Gabby: Oh, good heavens, girl -- go out there and MINGLE while you're young and pretty.
Gabby: Tell him you want unconditional love and he is incapable of giving you that.
Mandy: but I have never felt like this towards some one before.
Mandy: and he is completely capable of that he has been for the past year anyway!
Gabby: Not true -- he was holding on to feelings for the other woman. And you will feel like that and more if you find the right man.
Mandy: well I guess so but I don't think it is possible to love somebody more than I love him.
Gabby: You'd be surprised. Think about yourself for a bit -- is there some reason you like being a victim?
Mandy: a victim of what?
Gabby: Of his mistreatment of you.
Mandy: I don't like it one bit
Gabby: Then STOP it!
Mandy: but I love him so very much!
Gabby: What do you have to gain by holding on to someone who loves someone else more?
Mandy: fair point
Gabby: It is not attractive to be overemotional and beating on one's breast -- and it closes off better opportunities.
Mandy: I guess so
Gabby: It may not be what you wanted to hear, but remember I have decades of experience and never found a method to make someone un-love another.
Mandy: thank you for your help
Gabby: You could always hold on to the thought that he might return to you -- but not if you are a clinging vine now. Believe me, you have more strength than you realize. And better things are on their way. Flex those muscles; it's always hardest in the beginning. But if you act a particular way it soon becomes real.
© 2015 Bonnie-Jean Rohner