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Dear Gabby - built-in victim

Updated on May 3, 2015

Gabby: Hello. How can I help you?

Annie: I feel so confused

Gabby: Aren't we all?

Gabby: What is confusing you?

Annie: I met this guy online he approached me, and my intentions at the time was only to have friends nothing serious

Annie: We talked for about 2-3 weeks, he was always sweet and interested in what's going on with me

Annie: If I was tired or said my feet hurt next morning he'd ask did I rest how my feet felt and how he wish he could rub them for me

Annie: He talked to me everyday...he is an undercover narcotics detective and told me from jump he hardly does any thing for fun, and since he's alone he works a lot , but when he has someone he likes to chill at home

Annie: The 3rd week of talking I had been sick , n missed some work days n was stressed cuz I was short on my rent...

Annie: He sensed I was quiet n something was wrong n asked, told him I was just stressed! he asked y told him cuz I was trying to do double work days the next couple days cuz I was short on my rent

Annie: At that point he said he had to go do a search warrant,but cooled he call me when he got off at 10...he would never contact me late and had been perfect gentlemen...I said ok

Gabby: So far so good ...

Annie: 9:45 he started texting me saying he wasn't getting off at 10, but wanted to know how much $ I was short

Annie: I didn't look at my texts cuz Iw as on the phone, he texted a few more times saying hello? How much are u short baby.?

Annie: Finally I saw his mags n told him I was only $250 short, but I was doing what I haas to do to get it,

Annie: All along since I had been sick he had been saying I need to take time to rest, but I knew I could not I had to get $

Annie: So he asked when I needed $ by told him the 5th, and it was the 3rd at that time

Gabby: I'm afraid I can see where ths is gong.

Annie: I told him I appreciate the offer but didn't want to owe him, he said I didn't say lend you the money I said I would give

Annie: I told him I appreciate the offer but didn't want to owe him, he said I didn't say lend you the money I said I would give We had not met in person at this point yet, and I was little unsure...about taking the money but really was sick and tired

Annie: so I went on and said okay, but being the person i am I still worked because I didn't know if I could count on him

Annie: the next evening he asked what I was doing and said, not working I hope, cause I told you I got that for you tomorrow, you need to rest

Gabby: How was he toget the money to you?

Annie: So at that point I did stop working and went and rest...the next morning at 7:30

Annie: he text me saying he would bring the money to me about 9, at 9 he texted me to ask where he had to bring it

Annie: I had already verified he was who he said he was thru the sheriff's website for county, so I let him bring it to my place

Annie: he came, he gave me the money, we sat and talked for about 10 minutes, he was perfect gentlemen, didn't even try to hug me

Annie: when he left I sent him a text thanking him again, and he said, I just wanted to put you at ease so you could stop stressing and get well

Annie: then I said I hope you weren't disappointed in meeting me in person, (I am super conscious of my size because in the last 3 years I had gained over 150 pounds, but am currently losing it and had always been small)..he said no I like everything I saw, I love a thick red woman...

Annie: (oh and he lives/works in a neighboring town about 45 min away, so he drove a ways to bring me the $)

Annie: we continued to text and he never mentioned the money again...didn't make me feel I owed him anything at all

Annie: but we did say we both wanted to see each other about 10 days later he came by, and visited for about 1.5 hours and...we did get a lil sexual...but he only ate me...he said he did not want to have a quickie with me or make me feel he thought I owed him, so he only wanted to satisfy me

Annie: he did that hugged and kiss me and left,...but we actually talked the first hour...

Annie: we continued to talk just as we had..but we started sexting...and we kept saying we wanted to see each other again

Annie: well all along I knew he was at work almost ALWAYS when we talked...he works like 4 am to 11 pm- 2 am at times...

Annie: there are only 3 narcs in his county and 2 of them are in another state on an assignment, plus he is the head narc with most experience so he works a lot even when they are here

Annie: long story short...we both kept hinting about seeing each other but neither out right saying it

Annie: so finally one day I told him, it seems neither of us wants to be the aggressor

Annie: and I told him, I was a bit old fashion and prefer him take the lead, so then he said okay well, we can see each other Monday if that's good with was

Annie: well Monday came, he ends up texting me he had to do something for work

Annie: we made plans repeatedly and something always came up

Annie: but he would be initiating the plans, and he would assure me it was work, and talk to me all thru those times as he could at work...

Annie: couple times he sent me pics of what he was one of the night he had to cancel, he got stuck doing detail for a festival til 2 am...he sent me pics of what all was happening at the festival that night as he talked to me

Annie: it's a month later now, and we have only seen each other once since he gave me the money

Annie: at one point I told him I felt I should back off because I am going thru a nasty divorce and the restraining order was up on my ex, and I didn't want him in the middle of my issues with the ex cause i had not idea what he might do, and I was denied the extension on my order

Annie: and I told him please don't be mad at me or hate me for pulling awy

Annie: he sent me message that he was not mad and would never hate me, he just hated I was going to let the ex have control over my life, and that he would still be right here for me if and when I needed him, and pushing away is not what he wanted but he respected me

Gabby: I hate to be a wet blanket, but at best he prefers sexting to sex - not unusual; it's like the lure of phone sex. This type of man does not want the insecurity of a real relationship.

Annie: finally after he continued that conversation a lil longer saying he not scared of my ex, with his line of work he used to that kind of thing and had no problem being there for me thru the issues if i let him be

Annie: but I can't say that because before the money or sexting we both had said we don't have multiple sex partners, and we didn't want casual sex we wanted a relationship

Annie: we both have teenage daughters we are rasing alone, and we don't want them seeing people coming and going in our place, we try to set good example for our girls

Annie: he also told me it had been a long time since he had anything but his hand...because he didn't mess with hoochies and tramps

Annie: he wanted more

Gabby: Annie, I think you need some light on the possibilities.

Annie: after a few cancels I asked him, what exactly are you looking for cuz u confuse me

Annie: he said, a woman to me be my friend, my woman, and freak...and I think I have found her

Gabby: For one thing, thanks to the anonymity of the Internet, he could easily have looked up the same county site you did and adopted the name. A real narc wouldn't have a picture there.

Annie: I jokingly said lucky lady, would like to meet her one day, he said look int eh mirror baby

Annie: he does deputy work in his county, and detective, his undercover stuff he does in other cities in the state that are near by....

Gabby: I know narcs - he wouldn't be telling you all this

Annie: but they didn't just have a pic of him on the site...I found on their website a pic of when they were they honored officers who are vets for veterans day, and that where I found his pic

Gabby: Second, he can tell you he's doing anything - and relying on the "job" to keep you from checking up on him.

Annie: I also found another in the annual criminal report for his county of him being given a plaque for DEA for outstanding work

Annie: I fear that at times

Annie: I also went to one those sites you can run a background on a person and paid for one...and have his address

Annie: past work, and everythign he told me added up to the report I paid for

Gabby: The fact that he keeps breaking up meetings suggests he prefers sexting. And with that your size doesn't matter - he's getting off on the words.

Annie: he has sent me pics of his daughter and her first name, which is unique and I knew what town he was in so I found his daughter on facebook and got more info about him thru that

Annie: earlier this week he admitted to me he was concerned about doing more than just eating me right now, because he was afraid since it's been so long he would cum to fast

Annie: and I would be disappointed

Gabby: Keep in mind that you are insecure while carrying the extra weight.

Annie: since that conversation we didn't really make plans, but I had court with the ex yesterday, and he checked on me constantly then right bout the time I got home, he checked in and asked if I was ok, I told him yes, he said damn shame you not home right now I'm passing by your place...I said oh but I am home, got here few minutes ago, then he asked are the kids there

Annie: told him yes, but I didn't mind him just coming say hello while there were home, he said okay, soon as I'm done I will pass by

Annie: abut 2 hours pass, and I start thinking okay, how long he gonna be cause I have things to go I texted him and asked was he gonna be a while, he said yes cause I'm in a meeting...

Gabby: OK, I think we're getting to the crux of the matter now..

Annie: so i went did what I had to do, then about 2 hours after that he text me asking what I was doing, told him just leaving dealership for my truck, he asked if they had been able fix the he knew about it alredy

Annie: told him I had to order the part first...

Annie: after that I heard nothing else from him, I was really pissed that he didn't even say he would not make it this time and I sent the message, same shit different day, at least you consistent on not showing up

Annie: haven't heard from him and I haven't said anything

Gabby: It's good that you did your homework and we at least know who he is. But now you need to determine what kind of person he is.

Annie: normally every morning he says good morning baby. how was your night

Annie: a few times when he got tied up with work its been later in the day he talked to me

Annie: I don't know if you look at astrology signs in relationships

Annie: but he is a cancer, and everything he has said and done fits perfect with what I have read n cancers

Annie: they are wrapped in their work, slow to take the first step asking you out, but very loyal and caring, and protective

Annie: and he has been all that...

Annie: it even said that getting his time after hours (after work) may be hard at first but once you do, you probably have them hooked and they love hard, and are faithful

Annie: he also had told me when he came to the house with the money, how tired he was because they can't take any day off hardly between November and New Years, and he only had 2 scheduled days off

Annie: I had hoped to see him those days but he spent them with his daughter as they coincided with the weekend of her mothers death the week before xmas and he said she always gets down then, and depressed and attempted suicide one year so he stays close to her at that time.

Annie: so he texted me constantly saying what he was doing with her, they went xmas shopping, and cooked together for the holiday, opened gifts, and then he had to go back to work xmas eve , then he was off xmas he ws off the eve of the eve, and xmas day, and he spent it with her, but texted me all day

Annie: I told him at one point, I was suspicious that he may have someone at home since he don't talk a lot after he off from work, he said I just be tired as hell, and try to spend a lil time with Danielle (daughter) and get some sleep baby, but its no one in my life but after that he face timed with me at bedtime so I could see he was alone

Annie: he said he wanted me to be comfortable and know that he was being honest

Annie: I got so mad this morning I cause he didn't say anything yesterday, and he did say anything this morning that i went and deleted him as my friend on the site we met on

Annie: I deleted his pics and stuff from my phone and his contact info

Annie: and now I'm feeling like am I over reacting--and then I keep saying he hasn't gotten

anything out of this, he gave me money, he ate me and didn't get any satisfaction for himself....I have not given him anything or done anything for him

Gabby: So let me get this straight - you sent him a mean text, then burned all your bridges just because he hasn't contacted you in 24 hours??

Annie: but on the other hand I feel like am I being foolish cuz I keep wanting to see him and get excited and be wating on him, only not to come thru

Annie: not quite 24 hours, but because I feel he was so cold didn't even say he wasn't coming and that is what he did the last 3 cancellations, didn't say anything

Annie: and both times , i let him know I can be understanding that things come up with work, and I know he is doing a ton of OT, but at least pick up phone and say I won't make it

Gabby: I don't think your request for notification is unreasonable. But like you I find some of his behavior unacceptable and suspicious.

Annie: and I did get a lil mean one of those times, but I went back about an hour later before he replied and apologized and told him I was just hurt...starting for feel like he see me as desperate and just gonna be there whenever he find time for me, and he not care how I feel, told him he confuses me cause while he makes me feel so safe and like I he is sincere and cares so much, he keep standing me up and I feel if he really want to see me, he would make the time, I told I feel like you spitting a good game to me at this point

Annie: his reply was I am sincere and do care a lot, I am tired as hell I am the only narc working right now, and doing deputy work too, I just worked 28 hours, I am not spitting game, I want you and to see you just as much bleve me please

Annie: I do know he hates to disappoint, and a couple times when he has he didn't speak first after I let him know I was disappointed, but then after I went on mid day and said hello to him then he talked and went back to normal

Annie: right now I'm feeling like, I know he not gonna respond cause I'm sure he feels I'm mad at him...but i don't want to text first cuz he stood me up and didn't even tell me anything a 3rd time n a row when I just told him 2 times, I can accept him getting caught up but communicate with me

Gabby: Annie, may I give you some advice?

Annie: please that's why I am here

Gabby: You are very vulnerable now due to going through a divorce. Nice attention from him is exciting - but not enough.

Gabby: If your husband wouldn't give you the money for rent, this makes the narc seem even nicer.

Gabby: But you are aggressive in this relationship - you feel guilty about the money.

Annie: crazy thing is i feel like my feeling have gotten involved, I really like him and care for him a lot...and wanted this to work, everything I have seen he is a good country boy

Annie: my ex always tells me no one gonna want my fat ass for anything more than sex, and that is how I feel kinda when he stands me up, but then, I have the reality that we have not had sex, and he keeps saying he wants more than sex with me, and he is going to give me more than that...I been trying to stay patient and see what changes after the New Year, but lost my cool yesterday....I had said since he would start getting off days again after the new year would give him thru Jan to show me differently, but I just don't wanna be a fool and keep being there and he really just playing games

Gabby: I think you should lay back - get on with your life. He will contact you sooner or later. When he does, tell him you can't handle the constant disappointment and will repay the money.

Annie: and he's always asking me if I have what I need, and saying tell him if I need help cuz a closed mouth don't get fed,

Annie: I started to just mail the money to his precinct and not talk to him any more

Annie: but I don't want to throw away what could be good and he is actually sincere

Annie: I think paying him back will anger him at this point...

Gabby: I'm not concerned about him at this point; I'm concerned that you are in a delicate state and are going to get hurt. Don't send money to the precinct -- it could get him in trouble.

Annie: and now I'm feeling like am I over reacting--and then I keep saying he hasn't gotten anything out of this, he gave me money, he ate me and didn't get any satisfaction for himself....I have not given him anything or done anything for him

Annie: I feel crazy cuz all we have is a phone connection, but I feel like I love him to a degree

Annie: I feel stupid when he doesn't keep dates

Annie: he doesn't know I have his home I don't know how else to get it to him

Gabby: Remember he's a rebound - you are not in a position to make such a judement right now.

Annie: I have tried a few times to just not talk to him any more, but he keeps textin me, and I go ahead and answer

Annie: I have always been the one take care of deadbeat guys in relationships and he is first to actually care and do for me

Gabby: You need this time to get your affais in order -- finances, diet, work, even what you want in a relationship. BTW - your husband was saying what he thought would keep you under control; it has nothing t do with reality.

Annie: oh proudly I have lost 76 pounds and counting

Gabby: You can't spin from one pole to another until you get your gyroscope working.


Annie: I knew what you saying to be true and that was y I was only looking for friends to hang out occasionally when I joined the site I met him on, he just drew me in so much with his kindness and caring ways

Annie: now I'm finding it hard to let it go

Annie: feels good having somone ex treated me like shit always cheating and putting me down....

Annie: it's been over year I left ex, just legal proceedings started recently due to money

Gabby: All I'm saying is that you need to create some space between you and the narc, so you can see if this is a good relationship or not. There are a lot of nice guys out there who do want to take care of you and actually BE with you. This is no time to settle.

Annie: narc is Davin

Annie: should I at least apologize for being ugly

Gabby: Be cautious if someone always says the right thing. Don't view it in black and white - sex or no contact. Make friends with him and protect your back.

Gabby: If your behavior was normal for you, don't apologize -- he has to take the good with the bad.

Annie: I feel bad about it, its normal for me furious when I've been really hurt or wronged...but its also norm for me when I calm down and realize how ugly I was to try to make it right, not take back that I felt hurt just that 2 wrongs don't make a right

Gabby: Well, that's something you can work on now, separately -- it's your problem, not Davin’s.

Annie: so don't apologize for being mean?

Annie: just leave it alone and not speak to him ever again at this point

Gabby: If you must apologize, say it's for overreacting, but your actual complaint is still valid.

Annie: if not going to speak to him again, I plan to block him from contacting me, cause I know it will be hard for me to ignore him

Gabby: You're thinking black & white again -- why not keep texting? When he offers to meet, say not at this time - you don't want to be disappointed. Be polite, but avoid sexting, so you can get an idea of what he is really after.

Annie: I already stopped sexting 2 weeks ago, and told him I was not going to any more

Gabby: This way he can devote himself to getting his work done while you can devote time to yourself and your children. Take the hiatus.

Gabby: Keep it friendly

Annie: ok, I know that's gonna be hard for me, that y I felt cut him off so I not give into agreeing to see him

Annie: but I also felt cutting him off with out saying y is mean

Annie: but the angry me...didn't care at the time I was about to block him after the mean message I sent, but the curious me wanted to know if he was going to respond so I didn't block him

Gabby: You've got the backbone, girl - use it. Just keep yourself under control rather than running away.


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